Monday, January 28, 2013

Fuzzy at the Edges

I am not focused.  My brain is flitting around, my emotions are all mixed up and I am struggling to accomplish anything.  It isn't for lack of trying or not wanting to or anything like that. 

I wonder if it is worry.  Worry tends to paralyze me.  I guess it is a character flaw, and I wish I could make it go away.  Or maybe I don't. 

My worry is about my old dog.  I am not of the school of thought that a dog is a pet.  I am of the school of heart that a dog is just a four legged kid.  And Gator is feeling under the weather.  The rational side of my brain says, stop worrying - he is going to live for years yet and you are wasting time with worry.  But when those big brown sad eyes look up at me I melt!

Admit it... melting...

So while I am trying to focus on that silly to do list, planning ahead and finally getting some stuff done, I keep having an overwhelming urge to walk down the hall and check on him.  Mind you his laying in bed all day snoozing is not something new, in fact if he were running around the house that would be greater cause for concern, because he is the ultimate lazy boy.  Heck even the big dog is crashed out snoozing, this is the norm for them.

I also wonder if it isn't another tactic in my mind, to stall.  I know the things I want to accomplish need me to be organized and goal centered.  I am fairly sure we have already established the fact that I am neither of those things. 

I am not a fan of number crunching, ewww math! And organization screams conformity in my twisted little house on the prairie mind.  And I am really having trouble forcing myself to get with the program. 

Focus... that has to be my mantra for awhile, I can't only focus on the fun, artistic, soul healing things I love or that is going to be where I am stuck.  I need to focus on the nitty gritty... I don't want to spend my life working for someone else, making their goal mine.  I am discovering that really isn't how I function best, and it makes me unhappy.

Hubby and I got the chores done yesterday, so today could be clear to tackle the big projects before going to work.  And worrying about a sleeping old dog (that is doing what he always does, the same thing his younger brother is doing) or wondering if I forgot to take care of other issues is not moving me forward on the path ahead.  They are simply stalling tactics, did I mention I am the queen of procrastinating?

I need to do the taxes, hubby and I have discussed it and we might put a portion of our return towards a long arm machine for me, am I afraid of that next step?  All these things that I am stalling over are the very things that will give me the freedom to chase dreams.  I can't seriously doubt my abilities that much... Can I?

Pencils are sharpened, notebook is ready, calculator is at hand... I guess it is time to gather up those stacks of papers and get busy... The best future is waiting for me to take action... Better brew up another pot of coffee...