the battle begins...

Those of you that know me well, know that I am a bit "odd" (yep I'm really okay with that terminology). I have very diverse hobby's and find joy in sometimes very odd things.

Today, there is a battle going on.

My inner alchemist is screaming for release.  I bought all the supplies to make some soaps, my own deodorant, bath soak and I have yet to complete the sunscreen (it's been on the drawing board for almost two years now). The counter is cleared and I have finally found all the supplies and materials.  It's peaceful and I have the time.

My inner seamstress is dying to set her fingers to several projects.  One will resurrect the past for someone, the other will bring precious memories alive forever to another.  All the supplies are there, and I have time.

I have two different pairs of wristers partially completed, a sweater that has been waiting for two winters now, and some beautiful sock yarn that is beckoning me every time I sit down, peeking softly, teasingly from the yarn bin across from where I sit typing.

I "should" take down my Christmas decorations, remove the festivities and return to normal.  I know I "should".  After all it is January, and well... work does get a bit busy with all those resolutions.  I have no commitments today, I have the time.

Then there is that pesky little voice inside my head, the one that struggles all the time to keep me on track, focused, moving forward.  That little voice feels like a kettle drum in my head, it's screaming at me to spend some time making lists, planning things out, getting them written down.  A budget for the year, a monthly menu, my craft goals, my health goals, my home making goals.  I can almost hear the pencil scratching on the paper as I type.  It's reminding me to write down the addresses of everyone so I can remember to send Christmas Cards (like that seriously happens - this years are still in the box with the list and stamps sitting on top of them).  It's nearly bellowing that I need to write down my 2016 goals - to remind me.

I also want to go through the closets for gently used clothes, shoes etc.  Several schools are collecting for the people that have suffered so much from the flooding.  I feel it would be good.  It would make a difference.

The thing is...

I rarely have these days, these moments of silence with nothing pressing on the schedule.  Normally my days off are filled to capacity, the must do's taking priority, followed immediately by the should do's and both always out weighing the wanna do's.

I feel frozen.

I am sitting here, reflecting, relaxing and seriously contemplating the unheard of... a nap!

And it isn't that I haven't already been pampered today, I have.  Hubs and I watched the newest episode of Sherlock - FYI - you really shouldn't have to wait over a year to find out what happens next.

We tidied the kitchen and removed some items for the thrift shop.  And I only got distracted by the cute little squirrel munching on the oats we set out a few times. Of course that is one of the reason that voice is yelling in my brain.  Feels I should also organize the pantry.  Seriously, has it not yet realized that I do NOT suffer from OCD? You would think it had after residing inside my brain for over 50 years.

And then Hubs spoiled me a bit more with a hot soak designed to ease the pains that sometimes builds up (I might still be holding a grudge against that tick - 19 years later). Hot tub, hot tea, the last of the season's carols and a candle burning.  Pretty sure it couldn't get better.

Am I frozen because I am simply one person?  Too many decisions?  Too many wanna's without the must do's to balance it out? Bills paid, laundry done (although I do still need to iron), dinner hours away...

I have a challenge with priorities.  You see all of my wanna's tie into my goals for 2016.  And I have learned that when I don't write things down, I don't achieve things.  As you can tell I am easily distracted.

I have already determined that 2016 is going to be a selfish year for me.  I need to focus on me.  Not that Hubs or the kiddo's aren't going to be important, or thrown to the wayside.  But I really do need to get back to basic's.

This year I am going to try very hard to not let life distract me, but to live it to the fullest.  Put those wanna's at the top of the list, not the if I can squeeze it in.  I have had a bit of a head start on it in 2015.  Hubs and I have been weeding out stuff that was filling up bits.  Things we were holding on to, well... because (doesn't everyone do that?)...

This is the year that things that are important to me, become truly important.  Some are professional, many more are personal.

It sounds so passe' to say that I want to lose weight.  While that is an added benefit, mostly I want to be true to myself.  I don't like to eat things that have a list of ingredients, I want to eat the real ingredients, but often I do just the opposite, time is short and I haven't planned.  In the end, it's an unhealthy, usually over priced, under flavored bit of something and I call it dinner.  Then I wonder why I feel sluggish and run down.  Why too many times I can't find an outfit that is flattering or even tasteful.  Although, truth is, even thin - I am a jeans and t-shirt/sweatshirt kind of gal.

When we moved and I cleaned out my old sewing room, I unearthed a ton of projects, sitting there dejected and unfinished.  Time had gotten away from me, I got busy with the must and should do's.  I am starting to see a theme here.

Without a list, without a plan, something in writing that I can look at I don't function well.   Even my precious blog took a back seat.  I allow life to lift me up and drag me along, like a rudderless ship.

Guess I sort of answered my own questions huh?  I think that I shall start on my soap and deodorant while I type up my list.  I will have time while they cook and who knows... I might even have time to get some of that stitching done too!  It's only 1:25 pm... the day is young...

Who knows what pictures I will share tomorrow... ready, set, GO!

Welcome 2016...

Last sunset 2015

I started to write yesterday, I started to plan an ode to 2015.  I heard it in my head and heart while I was out in the newly bitter cold walking the boys (I'd decided to let the Hubster sleep in - he's been battling bronchitis for a few weeks now and was soundly resting finally).

2015 was definitely a year for the books.  One that I will remember probably forever.  It was at time bleak, rocky, earth shattering, stressful, unrelenting, worrisome, hostile and many other unpleasant things.  But tucked into the edges, or maybe wrapped about the pain was the silver lining.  Things so bright and wonderful that they were almost impossible for me to grasp and hold. Yes, I am an optimist, I strive to see the bright and beautiful in all things.  That doesn't mean I always succeed.

It was a year that tested everything about me.  Former President Nixon once said the strongest steel has been put through the hottest fires.  I am fairly sure that 2015 was a year of fires for me, and that I am now very close to being very hardened.

can you see the bright spot?

I didn't know if mentally or emotionally I could survive it.  I don't know if I would have without prayer, family and friends.  There are a few relationships that fell away during this year, it's hard when you discover that sometimes you have to walk away from things.  It's been a while since I was faced with those types of choices, but once the decision was made, it felt like the weight of the world was lifted.

2015 saw Hubs battle so much.  The hip replacement from late 2014 was bad, very bad.  It would be halfway through 2015 before we found Dr. Leo Whiteside, just before it was too late. I am the first one to admit there is a solid reason that I am not in anyway connected to the medical field.  I simply am not that kind of person, blood, medications, stitches, needles... Heck you barely see me willing to go to my own doctor.

Yet for months I somehow managed to be his nurse, while he battled to live. Just for the record, staph is a nasty thing.  It's insidious and horrid.  I can't imagine what it was doing internally, I know what it was doing externally.  I know, I was there.  Doc wasn't sure he could find a solution, thankfully, he did.

January through July were a blur, filled with doctors, medications, exhaustion, fear.  It wasn't just health worries because it all ties together. It was fear of health, life, death, addictions, career loss, time, juggling, struggling, financial, it was simply so many things...

I allowed myself to get worn down, So much couldn't and didn't happen.  There was nothing left for me to give.  I had injured myself trying to be everything for both of us.  Trying to not let anyone down.  The doctors where wanting to cut open my knee - seriously like that could really happen with all I was already dealing with?

Around April career things at least for me were brightening... I had been awarded the CJ Banks award, I can honestly say that was one of the most surreal and treasured moments of my life.  To say it was unexpected would be one of the biggest understatements ever.  I was so thankful that Hubs was able to be there that night, it was just before the infection tried to finally take him from me.  I was also promoted at work.  Those two things were seriously a professional tipping point for me.

On June 30th, with one of my sweet B's there keeping me sane, Doc worked a miracle.  I could see a huge difference in Hubs almost immediately after that long grueling surgery.  I could see with my own eyes that he was going to heal.  We'd been warned it would be long, arduous, painful, that he would have to go backwards before he could go forward.

We were ready, for the worst.

The worst didn't come.  Hubs is doing wonderful!  In fact I never knew he didn't really walk without a slight limp.  And last night as 2015 was coming to a close and he was being silly and dancing around the house, the sparkle in those blues, the laughter lines totally wiping away the first half of the year, I couldn't have been more thankful! Not only did I not lose him, I was gifted with a new and improved version of him!  It's odd the way we accept things going wrong physically, thinking it is part of aging, when well... that is not really the case.  He jokingly calls it his "franken hip".  I call it a miracle.

He has gifted me with many wonderful things this year...

A 50th birthday bash, that I didn't want, and am so thankful for!  Between him, my kiddo's and my dearest friends.  I finally got to meet my son's girlfriend, my friends that I only got to talk to on Facebook came to me, I was able to reaffirm one of my dearest friendships with my sister by heart.  My entire immediate family with the exception of a few were here.  It was beyond my wildest dreams.  In all of the chaos and fun we never even managed to take a picture.  But I don't need film that will fade, I have them stored forever in my heart where they are safe.

Shortly there after I was able to fly out to the coast and enjoy my boy and his girl for 7 glorious days in the sunshine of southern Cali.  Long walks on the beach, crowds, ocean views, light houses, laughter, and love. It was a perfect salve to start healing my exhaustion.

Back home, stealing minutes with my girl and grand baby, hubby healing... The final months of 2015 are a rapidly moving collage of memories, laughter and life returning to a new normal.  We finally unpacked most of our stuff, finished furniture, and even hung Christmas lights.

We were able to bring the kids (as they are only in their early 20's I can still call them kids) home for the holidays.  We were able to go to Wild Lights and do all the Christmas stuff we missed last year.  We were able to enjoy lights, love and laughter with the boy, the girl and all the loved ones connected to each of them.

My heart has reset.

2016 has a different feeling.  It feels fresh, welcoming, like the spring after a long bitter winter.  I am excited for it, I can't really put it into words.  It just feels... different...

I normally shun resolutions, as for me they are usually simply me setting myself up for failure.  And I am not sure I am willing to call the thoughts and feelings that have been flitting in and out of my brain for a few months now resolutions.

Maybe it is more revelations.  Maybe, after all those fires burned away the cobwebs, I am able to see and feel more clearly.  I feel focused and ready.  This is unusual for me. It is new.

I am not sure I am ready to lay out the changes I have planned for 2016 yet, they may need a bit more time to cook and ferment in my brain.  Heck, I may just need a bit of time to adjust to actually having a solid plan, for most areas of my life.  My gypsy self, is usually less focused.  This is odd.

Today with the sunrise a new book started, a new chapter, full of hopes and dreams.  I know there will be struggles and heart aches.  That is what makes life rich and rewarding.

Welcome 2016... Lets get this started!!

random...

It's been a series of foggy mornings.  It eventually burns off, eventually the sun breaks through and it's been crisp and clear.  At least until the sun sets way too early.  I absolutely hate time changes.  I do not like to spring forward, and I hate falling back.  You just get used to one or the other and boom... it's too dark in the morning and even darker at night.

It simply isn't natural!

And I honestly thought last night was going to send me off the deep end.  My body does not accept changes in routine too readily and I worked until 9, on top of a time change.  Whew that drive home was brutal, living 35 minutes from work makes for quite a drive. It normally wouldn't have affected me so much, but that darn time switch.

This morning started fresh and new.  I felt so much better after a nice long nights sleep.  I had a great time working last night, I met so many great folks and had some incredible conversations.  I am looking forward to tonight, who know's who I will meet or what I will learn.

I started today with a foggy walk with my boys, then some serious loving time with my grand dog - I am dog and kitty sitting while my girl is celebrating the KC Royals... I won't consider her a traitor, because it's not really her thing, it's more for her honey.

Then one of my favorite stores opened in town.  Fresh Thyme is new in town.  It's a nice mix of Whole Foods quality with Trader Joe prices.  I am struggling with all the chemicals being added to so much of the food we buy.  I am a bit freaked out by the fact that when I went to buy milk the other day the expiration date was January 5, 2016.  I doubt it was a typo, as all of the bottles were marked that way.

I was listening to a radio program the other day, I only heard a bit of it.  It was what I heard that keeps sticking in my brain.  It was asking why American's as a whole are heavier today than 30 years ago, when they are eating "healthier" and working out more.  It was the healthier that concerned me.  I keep seeing flashes in my mind of a meme that I saw not too long ago, "the problem with the American diet is that we are eating too many food like products".

maybe I need to be more like him

I am trying really hard to remove the chemicals from our diets and our lives.  I am looking for places to get farm raised eggs and fresh milk.  I have already found that I do best when I only eat breads that I have baked or that have been baked at a local bakery.

Maybe small changes will equal big differences in the future.  I am afraid of how many chemicals we mindlessly consume.  I wonder about so many things anymore.  And I often wonder how much of it is really good for us.

I guess I am evolving.  I hope I am.

Maybe it's all the walks in the fog that are changing my perspective on many things. Or maybe it's just growing up...

We missed the northern lights, it was too foggy.

But a bit of fog might clear the mind.

Time is never wasted

Sitting here looking at the skyline out of the sixth floor window, definitely is not how I planned the day, but I am grateful for the view.

Here I am 50 years old and I have just been called to my first jury duty.  This room is crazy full, hard to believe that so few will actually be asked to serve on a trial.  I'm kind of ambivalent about it all. I have a crazy amount of work to get accomplished, but by the same token, I would hope that if I ever needed a jury of my peers they would be there for me.

The only true challenge for me is that I do not have the ability to be knitting or even crocheting.  And I feel it is pretty well established that I do not sit still well.  Luckily, I have internet and my chrome book.  So after writing this morning, I am going to spend a bit of time doing the little bit of work I can accomplish from here, and then I guess I will continue to plan my Christmas list if I still have not been called.

This morning as Hubby and I were walking the dog, we were treated to several rare and beautiful celestial happenings.  The moon was breathtaking and huge.  The prequel to tonight's hunters moon, was setting in the west.  It was huge and bright that the entire western sky was luminous, a glow around every home, building and trees.  It was breathtakingly beautiful and me without my camera.  I really need to try to be more organized at 5 am.

Then to the east, was the rarest treat.  We've been watching Jupiter, Venus and Mars do this incredible dance in the early morning sky, some days an almost perfect line, others more curved, with them switching places almost daily.  Today, depending on where we were standing and how little light we were reflecting back Mercury was popping into view at the very tail end closest to the horizon.

Morning walks with the boys are so centering, sure does make you feel small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things.   We were even a bit chilled today.  Okay, maybe a bit more than a bit... It was only in the high 30's.  This year we are slowly drifting into the cold, it isn't rushing up to meet us.  I can honestly say we've only had a few mildly cold days, where the heat was required to take off the morning chill or a small fire in the fireplace - more for ambiance than as a full need.  Although the warmth definitely soothed the soul.

My horoscope this morning warned me that I am on a precipice, that I have a surge of confidence that is going to take me to new and exciting places.  Hmmm... did those stars realize I would spend the majority of my day staring out a window at buildings and the occasional passing plane? I'm sipping, slowly, the last of my coffee and realizing it is not even 10 am.

Wait... it's already 10 am?  This day is flying past, ironically.

After a busy, manually hard weekend, maybe today is my day to be still, to allow my worn muscles to heal. Last night's fitful sleep did nothing to heal them.  Maybe it's a day for me to steal solitude as I wait to be called.  To focus, center and do some of the tasks that the loud busyness that is life rarely allows me to do.

I guess it is all in how you look at it...

Today is not wasted, today is a gift.

While I wait...
I can write
I can plan
I can budget
I can dream
I can focus
I can imagine

What do you do when you wait?

living a life...

Ugghhhh...

I have had it all visualized for the longest time.  I knew exactly how I wanted it to look, the layout was going to be perfect, I was so excited.  Then this happened...

I know, it looks awesome, right!  And it is not at all what I had planned.  Now I am struggling, because what I had planned looks crowded and just wrong. I know I am replacing the sofa this winter, maybe... hubs wants me to, but it also looks so "right".  It's just not very comfortable anymore.

I spent all day yesterday working on painting furniture.  I have two more pieces to start, I just don't know what I am going to do with the one that was supposed to go where the chair is.

In my haste this morning, I managed to mess up one of the drawers for the dresser, so I am waiting on it to finish curing yet again.

Feeling a bit frustrated.

There is so much that keeps getting pushed back, with Hubs being sick, moving, and simply holding our own, I feel like I am light years behind where I want to be.

I am thankful for my home!  I love it!

I am blessed for my career!  Being able to be such a strong part of so many lives and all the blessings I get to be part of daily - totally fills my "bucket".

There simply aren't words for how thankful and blessed I am to finally have the Hubs healing and healthy again.

Maybe that is some of the anxiety.  Some of the push to get so much accomplished.

I haven't quite accepted that he is doing great!  I started to say fine, but when you add up the days and realize it hasn't even been four months, he is doing phenomenal!  Doc said it will be a year or so before he is back to perfect, it's still scary.  They still haven't said the staph won't come back, we won't know that for several years.  Maybe that is why I am so desperate to have everything... I don't know, normal?

For over a year we have lived in our beautiful home, it's been full of half finished tasks and projects needing tackled.

For over a year, it feels that I have forgotten how to cook, how to do anything but rush from one challenge to the next.

I have been in a constant state of "rush".

I am finding that even my knitting projects are part of rushing, I only tackle things I can complete while on the go.  I haven't quilted, used my spinning wheel, or anything in so very long.  My blog has been neglected and I gave up on my garden.  My soap supplies sit gathering dust and so many projects are neglected.

This weekend I feel like I hit a reset button.  I've not gotten dressed to go anywhere, other than the short trip to the store for items we couldn't do without.  I haven't talked to anyone but family.  And I have focused on stuff that is important to me.

I have blogged twice - I know you are probably as shocked as I am.  I have finished two pieces of furniture and even cooked.  It's frightening.  As I am working on laundry I am doubtful that the soap will get made this weekend, I want to, but... the carpets need cleaned and they are a higher priority.

Even Hubs is moving into a routine.  He worked on the Divine Ms. Em (although I sure was the one wrapped around the steering column threading that manual choke cable through) and got even more stuff clean out in the garage.

It feels good.

Slowing down.  We need to do this. As I was out on the deck enjoying the last few stubborn flowers, hanging in the midst of all the falling leaves and dying greenery, I realized that life is far to short to keep rushing.  A year ago we were heading into a terrifying stint of time, I think it's finally time to put it behind us... a full year later, it's like a bad nightmare.

Hubs and I need to get back to us.  We need to remember to live. We are great at earning a living, maybe not so great at living a life.

Now if I could just decide what to do with those pieces of furniture....

drifting...

I think I simply need a minute to rest.  Been working on projects since around 4:30 am.  I have enough to keep me busy for hours, okay maybe months yet.  But for a minute, I want to sip coffee, listen to all the leaf blowers and mowers that are racing to beat the rain that is heading our way.

We've been enjoying a beautiful Indian summer, temperatures have been so mild, a few dips close to freezing, but only a few. Hurricane Patricia slammed into Mexico last night, I am so happy to know it missed major cities, but prayerful for those people in the outlying area's.  It's heading into Texas as a tropical storm, we could see some rain from it. We need it.

Hubs has run up to the store, he needs a simply little part to be able to continue working on cleaning out the garage.  Unbelievably, we managed last weekend to clean out the majority of the garage.  There are two boxes left, they go to my sewing room, I believe we have finally moved into our house!  Hubs is now working on organizing the garage, it's frightening to see so much space!  We have just a few bits and pieces to deal with.  I am actually donating a bunch to Disabled Veterans of America or simply giving it away.  I am tired of being a pack rat.

My fireplace room has three pieces of furniture sitting in it right now.  I am getting ready to start on painting them.  I've only been planning it for a year.  My goal... by Sunday to finish all the furniture, make some soap (yep finally found those supplies too), make some cookies (lunches next week will need help), as well as the usual stuff.

Then it will be time to start planning and working on Christmas presents.  I cannot believe we are a week from November, how did this happen? Our boy won't be home this year, so it will be a quiet morning.  We will have to crowd in on the girl and her family for a bit of fun and excitement.  This is going to be a new experience for us.

Work is a bit crazy right now, so I won't be hand making as much.  I'm torn though.  I am not a "commercial person", so needless to say this will be a challenge for me.

Well, I need to get back to work, my coffee cup is almost empty and as the wind picks up outside I realize the day is drifting away.  

If we still had front porches...

I am dancing down the nostalgia road big time today. Hubby started off my morning with a long hot soak in the tub, listening to "older" country music, the kind that speaks to my very soul. The kind that makes me long for the "good ole days".  Makes me long to slow things down, to have time to linger on the front porch with the neighbors and family. Ironically, none of us have a "front porch" in my neighborhood.  We all have huge decks to hide out behind our homes, but nothing bringing us together.

My Susie Homemaker heart has me making a big pot of turkey, barley and vegetable soup that is simmering on the stove, the aroma is incredible! I have to work late tonight, and frankly, I am incredibly sick of grab and go food!  I long for soup simmering, fresh baked bread that I know the ingredient list of, a sweet treat that I have made myself.  Usually, I go into work super early on my closing days, so that we only make one trip.

Today, I couldn't do it. I love my job, I am blessed to work with amazing people, and I get to touch the lives of so many that probably need that front porch just as much as I do.

But today, I needed to slow down.  They will get at least 8 hours, but not 12 straight.  My fibro is choosing to act up and if I don't play it smart it will kick my tail feathers.

Instead I have spent the morning lost in the early 90's, humming to music that talks about family, friends, and home.  All the things that are precious to me.  I was going to spend it knitting, but that tub... well...

I have been dealing with too many things lately, that needed to be put into perspective.  I am wondering how many others feel that life is moving far to fast.  How many don't take the time to slow down, to breathe.

There is a sweet man from Africa that comes to my Y every day.  He is a quiet man, tall and his eyes hold a world we can't begin to understand.  His English is beautifully accented, he's incredibly intelligent and compassionate.  He lives quietly on the streets of our city.   For a long time before I convinced him to trust us he would come in every other day and pay the guest fee simply for a shower.  His pride is so strong.

He brings out the nurturer in me.  He's shared that he left Africa for a better life, to keep the trouble far from him.  He's got a gentle smile that betrays a bitter past.  The team I work with have managed to get clothing gathered for him, I am in search of a jacket to shield him from the coming cold.  He's so tall and slight.  And I am going to knit him a warm hat.  He will take it, and his eyes will betray the hurt to his pride and the thankfulness all in one glance.

When did we stop being that world, that cared for those in need, those that didn't demand it.  When did we become a country of people that demand things at the point of a gun or knife.  When did we stop being those people that showed love and compassion?  When did that fall out of style?

I need to step back onto my front porch.  I need to be more of the person that I am and less the one that feels... I don't know... disconnected?  I need to reconnect.  With myself, my family, my friends, and more people that are quietly searching for that loving hand of help.

Hubby will be here shortly, and I will be able to have a warm nutritious lunch with him. Then I will head in.

Take a minute, think about it.... are you a front porch or back deck person.  Do you have the love in your heart to heal a nation, our own...