Don't judge...

Taken this morning...

Cozy in my living room.  Sitting here sipping my hot coffee and basking in the glow of my Christmas tree lights (don't judge... yet).  I am soaking up the peace and quiet.  An occasional car goes past outside, the clock is ticking away and every now and then my old boy snores a bit.  I know hubby is awake, the big boy disappeared after morning potty break and I can faintly hear the TV down in the man cave.

Enjoying this moment and feeling guilty because I really haven't had a lucid moment to write in a bit, I am considering all the things that need to be accomplished in these precious two days. Oh I know what my exhausted body wants to do.  But as I already said I am sitting here basking in the glow of my Christmas tree... 

This month has been out of control, I mean seriously out of control.  The exhaustion factor is not only physical, but mental and emotional too.  Pretty much the last three weeks have been go, go, go... don't stop and don't look back. 

Hubby and I used to eat out, a lot, but one of my new years decisions was that had to stop.  It isn't healthy, we really didn't like it and it was killing my budget.  So I have been making all meals at home again.  And while this is awesome, it only adds to my already full schedule.  I am glad it is a decision I made.  Me and my crock pot are becoming the best of friends!

With the insanity at work, the flood and the recovery, all coming at the worst possible time, I have had very little time to simply stop.  Last Sunday was our first day off in fifteen days, fifteen LONG days, and even it didn't go well.  Ended up spending it sitting in the emergency room with Hubby. 

Oh he will be okay, but the bruising from that pulled hamstring is pretty darn ugly. It completely hobbled him for the first two days of the week and limited his ability to do much. 

Ah Mom... I was trying to blend in with the sofa...

So here it is Saturday, the sun isn't up yet, it's still peaceful and magical.  Do I break the spell to get busy on my poor neglected home?  Or do I savor a few more peaceful moments?

I love the Vintage Rose and style of these... not for me...

I will admit I stole a few hours yesterday, it's the first time in weeks that I haven't come home completely wiped out, cooked dinner and gone to bed (or stayed up talking with my West Coast Boy).  In fact I didn't cook or eat dinner last night.  I came home, put on my jammies, hubby ate leftovers and I got out my knitting.  Before work yesterday I completed a pair of socks that had taken far too long due to the insanity, and I was simply dying to cast on the next pair. 

Seeing the picture of my cousin's finished sock in a similar yarn and colorway, I simply had to!  I needed that mental break, I needed to simply be.

Curled up in my chair, with a variety of shows on that I wasn't watching, I made great progress!  At nine, when my eyes were closing and my fingers tired I had already reached the gusset of the first sock.  I am fairly sure if my energy could have lasted I would be almost finished by now. 

Same pattern in Spring Fling... hmmm... is there a theme here?  Tired of snow maybe?

I think... that I am going to take the first hour or two of this quiet day and rest... knit some more...

Soon enough the tree will finally come down, the boxes will go to the basement (not having hubby to help with that will be no fun!) I will sweep, mop, do the dishes, ironing and all those other annoying daily things that I haven't had a minute to tackle... maybe make a loaf of hot homemade bread to go with the Nuremberg sausages and Pirogi's that were to be dinner last night.

January is almost gone... I am hoping that February slows down... I can't keep up...

This relationship isn't working out...

Dear 2014...

I fear that this relationship is off to a very rocky start.  In fact, at this point I simply don't know if I have the will or desire to see it through for another 11 months.

Frankly, I don't feel that you are holding up your end of the bargain!  After a very peaceful and calm start, you have been very trying and challenging for weeks.  You are unrelenting and it's all take, take, take.

I do believe we need to re-evaluate where this relationship is going...

The beautiful, calming "great snow" was beautiful for a minute.  But 13 inches of white fluffy beauty sure made for a rough week.  And we won't even talk about the stress that caused while my children traveled across country in it.

Then just when I thought that maybe your initial tantrum was over and we could go back to the casual dating and getting to know one another in a calmer more rational way.  You decided to test me once again.

A flood through my beautiful building is not a great welcoming gift for a new year.  In fact it is probably one of the lamest I have ever received.

Nine days of battling that beast, a clearing on the horizon, a day to rest my seriously tired body, muscles and mind... Because new challenges await today... and yet another lousy gift.

I am not an ungrateful person, I am not a glass half empty kind of gal, but seriously? Did you not think I was over the top of what I could handle?

Luckily Hubs will be okay, but the next few days are gonna suck!  Thanks again. 

So... 2014... I hate to say this, but I really feel you need to up your game.  I have met all your challenges and tests, I have proven to you that I am strong enough to take what you give to me and meet your challenges.  So I have to ask when are you going to uphold your end of this relationship?  It absolutely cannot be take, take, take...

Sincerely,

a very worn out and tired me...

p.s. because of your non-stop tantrums I still have a Christmas tree to take down... uncool...

exhaustion...

Simply too exhausted for words. 

Got to spend a minute or two with my girls last night on the way home from a meeting.  Then a chat with my son once I got home.

That is pretty much the extent of my life right now.  Living in snippets.

Maybe once we reopen our building we will be able to move forward. Less hours at work, my time at having a life.  I have to work again tomorrow, although the game plan is to have Sunday off.  I hope so, I need a day.  I am tired.

I should say that my tree will come down on Sunday, I should say I will get a ton of other things done. 

I can't say it. 

I have a feeling Sunday will truly be a day of rest.  Maybe. 

It might help my mental state to get a few of these other items off my list.

We'll see....

23 years... what a great journey so far...

all grown up now...

I can't believe it's been 23 years... After waiting and hoping for so long 23 years ago my youngest was born.  I remember the fear when his heart beat kept stopping while he was being born, I remember holding my breath because he didn't breath right away.  I remember the nervous laughter and the relief when he started to cry.  I cherish those memories. 

I remember the middle of the night call to my best friend, an hour and a half away.  She was my coach.  I remember the surreal sight of Landstuhl hospital.  It was the day of the line in the sand.  The military hospital was locked down, barricades, everything had multiple sets of security.  It was so quiet in the hospital that day. 

I always wanted a girl and a boy.  I had been blessed to have my girl almost six years before.  I hadn't ever wanted to know if I was having a boy or girl, I always figured that was part of the surprise. I remember the call to our sweet little girl, a pistolcharacter even then, at home with our neighbors on a base that was securely locked up.  I remember telling her "you have a baby brother" and her answer "of course I have a baby brother, that is what I told God I wanted and he listens to me." I remember laughing. I laugh harder now...

I remember sitting in the television lounge holding my precious baby, having just hung up from talking to my family in the US.  It was late at night, all those sweet babies and mommies should have been sleeping.  Not one baby was sleeping, not one mom, it was like everyone knew.  That line in the sand had been crossed, everything was being prepared for war.  It permeated the air, the babies knew. 

I remember that four am wake up call, snuggling my sweet little boy, so calm and good, waking up to see a doctor (at least I still tell myself that is what it was) in full chemical gear, knowing... Calling home on the payphone in the hallway, shivering, scared, the only comfort was holding that little bitty man. Using all my pfennings trying to get my ex to answer the phone, dreading that he would have to leave our baby girl with someone to come and pick us up. 

I remember the day he was born so clearly.  Like it was yesterday.  Sitting in the cafeteria waiting for the results of his tests while the entire hospital was going into full battle ready status.  Praying for those sweet babies that were in NICU, being readied for the removal to civilian hospitals.  Hearing their parents being told those sweet little ones might not make it down the hill.  Snuggling my sweet tiny guy, crying for them. 

I was blessed for the second time in my life that morning.  He was such a considerate guy, even as a newborn, he'd been kind enough to be born at 9:59 am, insuring we could go home sooner, little did we know sooner meant the next morning at 4 am.

I am so proud of my son!

 Twenty three years ago... it seems like only yesterday.  Now for the first time in those 23 years we live in different time zones, I want to make him a special birthday dinner... I hope he is having one.  I want to tell him how much I love my little man.  How much I have enjoyed the last 23 years, how I am so excited for each one yet to come.  I'd love to make him an Angel Food cake... he really didn't like any other kind growing up. 

He's a grown man now, I am so very proud of him.  I hope he knows that in my minds eye, he is now and forever that tow headed, golden eyed little cherub.  I love the man he's become, I miss the baby days, but have cherished the journey!

Happy Birthday Baby Boy all grown up!

I needed strength stronger than myself...

Sure didn't sleep the night before last.  Spent a lot of hours sitting up in the dark feeling like my world is spinning as out of balance.  Breathing was painful, thinking hurt, and my heart was feeling wrung out.  I sat there in the dark, afraid to breathe. For hours I sat there feeling lost.  I prayed.  I talked to God for hours.  I finally did what I always do when I know everything is bigger than my ability to understand and process it.

After hours, after prayerfully giving it all up to God. I went to bed.  I didn't really fall back to sleep, but I rested.  Yesterday morning, I felt better. This morning, I feel stronger.  I feel like the weight of the world is not resting on me.

I am grateful for my faith today.  Maybe you won't find me in church every Sunday.  And I don't expect everyone to share my faith. I do hope that whatever your belief is in brings you that kind of peace and calming in your soul.

I started this yesterday, but never finished.  I do believe in evil and the devil.  I do believe that his greatest achievement is to make us take our eyes and our heart off God and good. When I was battling all of that the other night, I knew the doubt, stress and hurt were coming from the wrong place.  I could almost envision the little cartoon devil sitting on my shoulder whispering all my deepest fears to life.   I think that is why I was praying so hard.  I knew that little demon on my shoulder was giving life to F.E.A.R (False Evidence Appearing Real), and I was struggling to make him be quiet.

I can't say that I haven't felt those tinges since that night.  I have.  But they weren't as strong. The fear, the worry, that heart wrenching feeling, those are all milder now, not sneaking in and overwhelming me.

I am a realist, I do know that we are facing a huge battle getting our building and lives back to normal.  There are many possibilities that are stressful to me, the person that hates change.  But I know that something far more powerful than you or I is in control and that whatever happens is what was meant to happen.

Yesterday, once I was able to sleep for a few hours and place everything in stronger hands than I will ever have, things were better.

I spent a few hours at my building, got a few things taken care of that needed attention.  Answered a few emails, took care of banking and all those things that a few hours of insanity had shuffled to the background.  While hubby took care of the part of the building that houses his world.  His office is in boxes sitting on the floor in my office.  Everything is either soaking wet or covered in tarps.  His office took a beating.  He's feeling a bit jinxed.  His last office caught fire.  I think the water from the suppression system simply got delayed and the location a bit off.  No... but the poor guy is as beat up as I am.

He is doing better than me, maybe because I am worried about so many others that I am responsible for, or maybe I am simply a wimp?

At any rate... with the sunshine out, the roads dry, and the temperature rising, Hubby set about righting my world.  We headed back east around one and pulled that beautiful Harley out of the shed, it was time to blow some cobwebs out, to put the stress where it belonged... out of our lives. An ice cold single barrel Jack & Coke and we were off (the drink was mine, he was driving).  It's amazing how many back roads you can find never leaving the cities.  We prefer quiet country roads, but this time of year it's warmer to stay in the city.  Hubby finds so many quiet streets, full of history and beauty.

Two hours later, home for a minute, then off to buy groceries for the week.  Needed some crock-pot dinner stuff.  It's going to be a long one.

Hubby never let my J&C go empty, made me laugh, made me feel so much calmer. 


Here it is morning, the alarm is going to be going off soon, I will go and start a nice beef stew to be waiting for us when we get home.  Today... maybe a few answers...

I'm not worried... Jesus took the wheel...

where is my sunrise?

Hello Morning, you didn't wait long to appear did you? You simply rushed the night out of the way.

Hot coffee isn't helping to make the body less sore or bringing much calm to my mind.  Luckily, the bit of sleep I had last night made it easier to think this morning.  I am clearer.  I was able to go through my email and cancel the events that were planned for the next week or so.  I was able to sit and think about the things that need my attention.

In a few minutes I will start getting ready for the meeting this morning.  I am not looking forward to it.  January is so key for us, to suffer this kind of loss is hard. I am not wanting to be strong enough to deal with the week ahead. Right now I want to sit at home in my jammies, nursing my aching muscles and arthritic joints.  I want to get this darn flare that is threatening under control.

So many things are not good for my body, yesterday encompassed so many of them. Today, I need to take it down a notch.  The stress is the hardest part, I can control the external factors to a degree. The internal... not as much.

This morning I will knit on some socks, fix some jerky for my boys and try to deal with the more normal and mundane things.  Get my head in a good place. Reset my internal voice to its usual upbeat and positive self. 

My weekend plans have changed, drastically.  It's okay.  I know the next few weeks or months are going to be outrageous, there is going to be no normal for a bit.  Hubby is going to be based out of another building.  His office was completely destroyed. Mine isn't destroyed, but it is the proud recipient of all the boxes from his office. 

I have a million things running through my mind.  Things needing done, things that could and will happen, how to move forward.  I am concerned for my staff, I am concerned for my members, and the many people that rely on us.

It's going to be an interesting run for a while...

Last night to balance out my thoughts, to make life a bit less crazy, I got the chance to talk to my boy.  Sounds like he is putting all the bits of his life in place.  The I love you's I got from half way across the country from both my babies helped. 

I am hoping Hubby slept well.  Yesterday was brutal on him as well, he spent so much time in cold water, moving things, packing boxes, in serious high stress mode.  In the middle of the night he woke up shivering, I snuggled him up with the warmest blanket I could find.  I hope he fell back asleep.  It's quiet in the man cave this morning, so I am not even going to open the door.  Just in case he fell back asleep watching television when he got up this morning.  If I open the door the boys will rush in and wake him. 

He needs to be at the same meetings I do.  He needs to rest.

Today is a new day... there is always promise with a new sunrise... even when the rain blocks out the beauty...

Why?

Our girl in her youth...

Rain outside, rain inside...

Exhaustion level is off the charts.

A building that I love and have put more than my share of blood, sweat, tears and countless hours into is in really sad shape, through no fault of our own.

It's bad.

And I am reminded once again why I work where I do and with the people that I do.

It's not perfect, it has lumps and bumps... today was brutal.

And the amazing people that make up the fabric of the Y, proved to me once again what is that makes me passionate about what I do.

As water poured down on us, as we struggled to save everything that we could, as we stood in freezing cold water and worked side by side, they showed up. 

Part time staff that traveled through pouring rain, working side by side with those of us that put more hours into that place than our own homes. 

Property Managers left their buildings, some traveling more than 50 miles one way, all bearing buckets, squeegees, mops, extractors and anything else they thought would help. Staff from other buildings, all working side by side.

Members that not only understood, but asked if there was anything we needed. Offering to bring socks, dry towels, anything they could.

We are a community. We are a family.  Right now, our family is hurting. The path ahead is still uncertain and rocky. 

The one thing that is sure, the one thing that is helping me hold it all together is those amazing people.  That pulled together in a time of pure crisis to create a solid front.  A team that is unbreakable!

Now it's time to finish my beer, my popcorn, and then lay my head down on my pillow.  In the daylight of tomorrow I am sure things will be clearer.  In the daylight we will start anew. 

I belong to an amazing group of people and for that I am eternally thankful!