defining yourself...

Oh no... she's back!  I officially put my sticker on my SUV.  Watch out world, feeling more and more like myself lately.  Actually feeling far better than my old self.  As I stood outside and applied my sticker I felt so empowered and more and more like the person that I know I am.  It's a feeling I've been experiencing a lot lately.  I don't feel strongly about bending to meet anyone else, either accept me for who I am or don't. It isn't meant to be mean or ugly, it isn't meant to be really anything at all.  It is simply me. 

It has been a crazy couple of days.  Full of activities, chores, just living life.  I am sitting here unwinding, praying my babies will go to bed early as last night had an interruption due to the batteries in the carbon monoxide detector deciding 2:22 am is a great time to fail. Nothing makes a night of sleep short quicker than an unknown alarm chirping in the dark of the night. The puppies agreed and the three of us spent the next couple of hours hanging out.  

We were all super tired last night, we'd found several trails all within three miles of our house.  They were fantastic for hiking and for the pups to explore without encountering too many other people or dogs.  The whole weekend was beautiful and semi-temperate, I mean if you consider 40 a beautiful day. For late January, I feel it is a perfectly wonderful day!  Today was even better.  And Hubs took them back for a walk on the shorter of the two again today.  

The longer one is definitely my type of trail, Hubs - not so much, although he was a super good sport about powering through it with us.  I had no idea there were two fabulous parks with hiking trails so close to our home.  They have definitely moved to the must walk often list. The babies even made a friend in a four year old Golden Retriever named Sonny.  

I feel so much more energized, my cup fills full and my spirit soars when we are able to spend time outside.  I have extra to give when I feel like that. Anyone else find time to get outside?  Soaking up the vitamin D, looking into the sunshine, feeling it's warm kisses on your face?  Or maybe just outside shivering in the cold and snow? 

Looks like we might have a storm moving in tomorrow night, should be interesting.  The watch changes every time we look.  It's very possible we will end up with at least 5 - 6 inches of snow, although the latest report says up to 16 inches.  Honestly, here in the mid-west that is not a normal winter and doesn't sound great. My sweet babies are going to lose their minds.  

We went and picked up a full load of wood and got it stacked.  We all know I can't go without a fire when there is snow outside.  We are probably going to have to dig a small puppy potty path.  I mean they are growing like crazy but 5 inches of snow will be firmly against their little bellies. 

I figure trapped at home I might actually get some work done on a few projects and even a few chores that I have been slacking on.  I assure you, nothing at home got done today.  I cooked, I helped haul wood, I walked puppies and I went to the post office.  I mean, that felt pretty successful, and filled all of my available hours.  

Well, it's time to sip my sleepytime tea, watch my babies start slowing down for the night and do a bit of knitting.  I hope they get tired soon... momma's weary!

walking in sunshine...

The best way to tackle a day of anxiety?  Get out in the sunshine.  Even if it is cold sunshine, just get out there. After Hubs and the babies had their early morning nap we headed up the river road.  Hubs had initially said we weren't going to go because he was so very tired.  He felt refreshed after getting a few more hours of sleep so we loaded our terror tots and headed out the door.  

Both of us love the River Road and were hoping to see some eagles as this is prime eagle watching time.  If I needed a reminder that it is bitter cold outside most days the river definitely provided it.  It is so frozen leading up the the locks.  We didn't go past there to see if it was also frozen further south of the locks, we didn't have a great deal of time.  It was so hauntingly beautiful, you could see where it was broken and frozen a few times over.  And there was a single spot in a miles long stretch that wasn't frozen. It was a like a mosaic of different thicknesses of blues and bright white tiles laid out and glistening in the radiance of the sunshine.  Oddly the river just a couple miles west wasn't frozen at all. 

We had originally planned to go to Pere Marquette Park and take the babies walking there, there are so many walking trails and it is one of my absolutely favorite happy places. A friend text just as we were heading out to join him and his wife for dinner, as we so enjoy time with them we modified our plans and only went just past Alton.  We stopped at a little park along the river and took them walking.  

scavenging for treasures, a stick, a leaf
they don't care. 

I think we only saw a single eagle, so we will go again.  It's breathtaking to watch when the skies are filled with them, swooping off the bluffs and down to the river in search of a tasty snack to feed their families. I don't think we will go next weekend as the weather is projected to turn a bit on the beyond bitter cold by Friday and on the river that is magnified so much.  I can't believe we are already heading straight into February.  It feels like we just started January, I tell you time is definitely flying past at an almost obscene speed. 

All tuckered out after their walk

Are we there yet Mom?

The time spent walking in the sunshine definitely shifted my mood for the better.  I felt alive and vibrant, I needed it.  I spent time looking at the beautiful sun and enjoying the rays on my face.  The pups spent time exploring the new surroundings.  Belle snagged a tuft of fur and was proud of herself, until we made her drop it.  She wasn't pleased at all with that outcome.  I will admit to being very repulsed by the hollowed out carcasses of two deer in a very short stretch.  Pretty sure that was were the beautiful white fur Belle found had come from.  

I was deeply saddened by the amount of trash on the trail and sides of the road.  Talk about being dragged back into that dark place from earlier.  Fast food wrappers, alcohol bottles, all kinds of random garbage, no doubt thrown from the passing cars.  As that stretch of path is right alongside the river road, and people are pure idiots on that road. Instead of savoring the beauty that surrounds them they are drag racing, revving their motors and practicing burn outs.  It's really sad. I would have picked a lot of it up if I wasn't trying to make sure my puppies weren't in harms way and I'd have had gloves and a bag to put it in.  

If you need an emotional pick me up, a way to beat away the blahs, I highly recommend getting out into nature, connecting with the earth.  It is such an incredible anti-depressant.  You forget everything that is bringing you spirit down and your bucket is filled with joy. We will probably find time to take a nice long walk or two today as the weather will be similar to yesterday, we won't go as far away because I am going to run a long errand with my girl today.  I have a couple of places closer to home that I am considering for our adventures.  Places devoid of much human interaction and plenty of connection to mother nature.  

Can you believe how big they have gotten?

Tomorrow will definitely involve an adventure for me and the babies as it is going to be almost 50 degrees. A chance to enjoy all the good stuff before the cold moves in the next few days.  There won't be much walking outside then. As wintry mix usually means ice and this girl is still a bit too terrified of ice to be okay with long walks on it. We'll save that experience for next year. 

Well babies are napping and I am ready for another cup of coffee and maybe a few moments of knitting before this day gets rolling... love and peace everyone

weary...

An early morning walk has Pups and Hubs all tucked in for a mid-morning nap.  I am seriously debating on joining the party.  It sure seemed like a crazy short night.  Truth is I am going to sit here and enjoy the quiet for a bit, do a few chores and do some knitting.  I plan to get a few more walks in with these sweet babies, I am determined to be successful with potty training and training in general.   Other than that, it feels like it is going to be a lazy day.  I'm good with that. 

I wonder if the weariness is truly a lack of sleep or something deeper.  I am deliberately keeping myself out of the fray that is the world right now, I don't have the time or energy to participate in the insanity that is swirling around. But even keeping myself out of it, doesn't mean that I am not aware of it, nor does it mean that it doesn't impact me on different levels.  

I can't help but hear my own words that I typed in March of 2020, when I said that we would never go back to the way it was.  I don't believe we can, nor do I believe we should. So much has changed.  People have changed on a level that is deep, sadly not all the changes have been for the good.  Too many people are just plain ugly to one another now.  Each time I go out into the public forum, I find myself disliking it more and more, I find myself longing for wide open spaces and time with my own tribe.  People that I can have deep, probing conversations with.  The ones that I can bounce all the insanity of the world off of and sift through this craziness that is in ever breath of air we are taking.  To question right, wrongs, meanings, hopes and dreams. 

My dear friend came over yesterday and even though we spent almost five hours together it felt like time simply flew past and was only moments long.  We talked about so many things and both wondered about where things are going and if any sense of normal would ever return. I then got to go on a long errand with my girl and we had similar conversations again delving deep into why people are the way they are and how they treat one another the way they do.  How selecting a place to live and a life that is fulfilling and rich is so very difficult.  You never know what kind of an environment you are unintentionally walking into and the impact it will have on you. 

I am celebrating the truckers in Canada right now, they feel strongly about an issue and they are peacefully doing something about it.  I agree with them.  I am loving even more watching so many rally behind them, supporting, cheering and encouraging.  I wonder often what it will take to heal the damage that has been and is still being inflicted on us.  

It's happening everyday, I'm weary of it.  I'm tired of all of the divisiveness.  I'm tired of rules for thee and rules for me.  I'm tired of the absolute insanity and almost brain-washing methods being used.  I'm tired of people being driven to the point of no return.  I just heard of a young father choosing to end his own life.  I knew him.  I'm sad for his children. I wonder what was the breaking point, that point of no return? How many others are in that same boat?

I watched a bit of a video series yesterday that had me shaking my head in complete disbelief.  It was blatant in it's messaging and attempt to control thoughts and emotions.  So much of that is happening now. 

It's odd, as I have been writing this out, pulling these feelings out of my head and laying them down, my sleepy exhaustion is lifting.  I am feeling more energetic and alive.  When I pulled my card today, asking what I needed to know as I went into this day the one I pulled was Patience the irony was not lost on me. I am struggling to have patience.  I'm struggling to understand were humanity has been lead and how they are processing things at this point. I'm struggling to sit quietly on the sidelines and observe. 

Yet, her I am still sitting here watching it all play out, holding thoughts and prayers that in the end we will all come together.  That there will be opportunities for us to form strong communities, to lift one another up in a condemnation free way, that we will stop creating silos and stuffing people into them, like the sorting games we are taught as children.  Some day I firmly believe that we will undo the damage that has been beaten into us and be the kind, loving, compassionate people we were born to be.  Sadly, I also firmly believe that there will be more hatred, pain and loss before we get there. 

Wow, this definitely came out of no where.  I was simply going to blather on about puppies and hobbies, my heart led this another direction.  

Well... I think I will go and enjoy some peace, have a cup of tea and listen to a few podcasts while knitting.  I will let this day unfold around me with grace and joy. 

love and peace... 

comparisons...

My babies are snuggled up to one another sound asleep on the pillow, they are both a bit traumatized this morning.  They had their first bath/shower. Truthfully, they both did excellent.  Poor Beau has a denser coat, so he doesn't dry nearly as quickly as Belle, but he did humor me and let me try to blow dry him.  We finally gave up, he was so stressed.  Luckily neither is worse for the wear, although Mom might be sporting a few scratches from those little nails as they tried to figure out how to escape. 

I will admit to feeling so guilty for traumatizing them that we had a little bit of snuggle time on mom & dad's bed.  My sweet girl is a bit of a grudge holder and only leaned into my hand.  My boy came rushing over, and snuggled up cheek to cheek with his little paw in my hand.  I guess all was forgiven. He was definitely not ready to come downstairs, even for a treat. 

It's been an eventful puppy morning as sweet chunky Beau finally climbed up and down the stairs repeatedly, he was not happy that sister had run up to momma and was getting all the snuggles while he was stuck at the bottom scared to try.  Moments later, my little guy was at my feet wagging his whole body with pride.  While I am excited for the milestone, I am apprehensive as to what new level of watchfulness this will entail. 

I have really knuckled down on the potty training business and yesterday the little buggers and I logged over 5 miles of active walking.  It was a fairly moderate day, just a bit of chill in the air.  If we can manage 5 miles in one day and they are only 11 weeks old, I feel I am really glad that Hubs insisted that I have such a large stash of walking shoes, because something tells me this is only the beginning of a lot of super long walks. 

Last night they finally encountered a lot of other pups on the final walk of the day.  Even though Miss Belle's sass game is super strong, she is my timid one.  I was a bit surprised.  Beau managed to get brave enough to be within 6 inches of one sweet pup, Belle was no where close, in fact she was hiding behind mom's legs shaking every time a furry new potential friend came within 5 feet.  

After a few moments while we were chatting, they both thought the Golden Retriever that laid down and gently watched them was intriguing and edged a bit closer to him.  Beau was definitely wanting to be friends, Belle was actually considering it, well until he rolled over and sent them running. Such a sweet baby with the pups, they will meet again. 

Holly the little Yorkie at the end of the road scares them to death, she is all of six pounds, smaller than they were at six weeks, but she insists on showing them that she is bigger and badder than the meanest rottweiler they will ever meet.  She barks and growls and isn't the least bit friendly.  They simply don't know what to do with her and unfortunately it scared them away from another neighbors Yorkie that was willing to be friends.  

They are learning to communicate with us and definitely understand when spoken to.  Are they a lot of work absolutely, are they an even greater return on investment in the love and joy department?  ABSOLUTELY!

I read a statement yesterday that said raising puppies was a thousand times harder than raising children.  I am fairly certain that statement was written by someone that has never had children. Because the truth is, it's not even in the same ballpark.  In many ways it is similar, my children made just as many if not more messes, although I have never had a child eat my shoes or tear up a sofa (yep, I've had dogs do both)  I have had them create far greater messes in other ways.  Pups eventually grow up to be little loves that simply want to spend their entire lives with you.  

Your children grow up, have their own families, lives and challenges, they move on and leave you standing there full of love and worry.  You are so proud of them, you celebrate their victories and you mourn their losses with them.  Often from a distance. You will do anything in this world for your child, even after they are long grown and don't want to be babied.  There is still a burning need to right the wrongs, to chase away the demons and monsters of life.  And it is horrible to sit on the sidelines praying and watching.  

There are times your children will pull away, needing to grow into their own person.  On an emotional level you feel like you have lost them forever, reality is that you haven't, they are just becoming the person you raised them to be.  A puppy just sits by your side and gives you loves and kisses and wants treats and belly rubs. 

The hardest part with a pup is when they cross the rainbow bridge, they are simply too much love to be here for very long.  You will mourn, your heart will feel like it will never heal and you will have a huge hole inside of you. Until the day your pup sends a new one into your heart, and they always do. 

Your children on the other hand... there are conflicts, miscommunications, growing pains, hurts, pushing away and pulling back close. There are times they will need you with every fiber of their being, and there are times in that needing that they resent the fact that they do.  There will be selfish moments, there will be giving moments.  There are times that you have boundless joy and others where you have deep dark sorrow.  Sometimes all you can do is step back, let them fly.  Sometimes they simply chose to never return.  It isn't your fault, but you can't unwind things and change them either. In any case as the parent you are always there with open arms and an even stronger loving heart waiting for whatever is needed.  Sometimes you have to deal with deep hurt in the process, sometimes you have to put up an emotional wall, but you always love unconditionally. 

Nope, I definitely believe the author of that statement has no idea what she is talking about.  I cherish my puppies, they bring me love, joy, frustration, laughter and chores.  They require a lot of attention and monitoring, but they are on no level as complex, intense or emotionally charged as raising a child. 

Of course that is just my humble opinion... those are my life learned experiences. 

In either case, I wouldn't trade a minute with my children, grand children or my sweet precious puppies. 

love and peace...

flowing along...

I have always felt I am pretty darn flexible and open to change.  My sweet terror twins are definitely making me realize that I am nothing if not flexible.  Get up from a chair, only to find that there are two adorable babies sitting in it looking so proud of themselves, when I return to sit in it.  Clean a floor, rinse, repeat.  Pick up toys - they multiply.  Plan to sew, nope change it to sit and cuddle.  Come downstairs in jammies because you didn't hear them and assumed Hubs had taken them outside... nope head back upstairs and change - they were just sleeping in. 

That's life. And it's wonderful! I can't believe it is already our 5 week anniversary together.  Each day gets a bit more routine, they are slowly learning not to mouth you and puncture the skin, potty training is not going terrific - but I have faith.  They are sweeties and I am over the moon in love.  

Eventually, I will be able to go to my sewing room and they will follow and lay on a pillow up there, they are too young yet.  They got to explore it for the first time last night, it went good. Nothing was chewed up and they just sniffed around. I was doing some sewing for the oldest, so they visited with us while I worked. I was a bit nervous, because honestly I need about 5 hours or more in there to clean up and organize, so there were piles of yarn and stuff strewn everywhere.  My heart was pounding, luckily Dad was keeping a close eye, the yarn up there isn't the inexpensive Red Heart stuff, it's the pure wool and alpaca.  The good stuff.  They were really unhappy when Hubs took them back downstairs, sitting at the bottom of the stairs on the other side of the gate crying and wanting to be with me. 

They are so sweet. 

I am trying to decide if I am going to take them for a walk in a park today or just stay close to home.  I'm a bit on the lazy side today.  I feel like I am a-okay just lingering in the neighborhood.  I didn't get a chance to finish the scarf yesterday, and now I have a bigger issue because the pups took off with the yellow yarn again and I need to get it untangled.  I also need to finish the pillows that I am working on. It might just be the perfect day to linger and create. 

The snowflakes that are gently falling aren't going to amount to much of anything, but I could make a pot of soup and some crackers and we could enjoy the warmth here in the house. Puttering around and just being.  

I don't know.  

Hubs has a busy day and left a bit ago.  Pups ran out of steam and are both sleeping.  The world has a strange silence to it, which is healing.  

I will admit the world feels a bit overwhelming right now.  So much is going on, everyday there is something else that makes you scratch your head or want to pull a puppy head tilt was you sit and watch it in awe.  I am enjoying my isolated bubble, my own fortress of solitude. Maybe a bit too much.  I don't even feel guilty about it any longer.  I simply feel grateful. 

Is anyone else finding the world has just got a bit nuts? Even a simple trip to the grocery store isn't simple any longer.  If you aren't navigating the labels on your groceries to see what actually has well ya know food in it, you are navigating the people. Some days the shelves are brimming with everything imaginable others I have flashbacks of living on military bases waiting for the ships with supplies to come in. 

People are starting to just be so very, very fussy.  Everywhere I turn I am finding so much anger and almost dislike of our fellow man.  The thought process that I am the only one that matters and my needs are far greater than yours seems to be running rampant.  I am struggling hard with it. I am finding that the people I would consider my tribe are far more open and caring.  They are the ones that meet you where you are with open arms and hearts.  They aren't fussing and being ugly. 

What tribe are you looking for? I want to be a part of a community, a group that is willing to work together and have empathy for one another. And honestly, if I can't be part of that, then I am happy in my bubble. 

I think I am in a spot mentally.  A deep need to sort through thoughts and feelings.  To try to understand... Hmm... the walk with my Pups in the lightly falling snow, might just be what I need this morning. 

love and peace... 

interruption...

I'm trying to find my rhythm again, it was going pretty strong this morning, but I had to stop for what I thought would be a moment or two to take care of a request from someone.  That moment or two spread into a full hour and now I feel off balance. I hate when that happens.  I feel like I am making progress on my day and then boom I feel derailed.  

It's all good, I will get back into the flow here in a few moments.  The pups are currently snoozing, they had their playtime while I was online with tech support.  I felt terrible when they wanted their morning snuggles and I was still working on the problem, they definitely know how to make me feel guilty as they climbed on the sofa and lay there with their sad eye looks drifting to sleep staring me down. I will snuggle them when they wake up.  

I'm almost finished with the scarf my great nephew called and asked me for on Sunday.  He feels quite strongly about it, if he's going to call and ask.  I only need about another hour or so and off it will go heading to Alabama.  I hope he likes it.  I have an absolute inability to say no when asked for something, and when it's a cute little guy, well... there is zero restraint on my part. 

While I was sitting on hold with tech support I decided to start browsing the seed catalog.  Always dangerous.  Because, frankly, I want it all!  Every last one of the seeds and a yard big enough plant them all.  I definitely miss my garden at my old house.  I loved working the soil and growing my own veggies.  I'd originally planned to not really plant this year as Hubs was going to be retiring and I wasn't sure how much we would be home.  But things have shifted, again, and I know that I will be home more than I thought.  As a result, I have started to day dream again.  Planning out how to make the most use of the space I have available. 

We are considering fencing a small part of our yard for the Pups, it can't be much due to HOA rules and the fact that our property goes straight down a hill, but it will be enough if we decide to do it. Unfortunately I don't know that it will leave me any additional space to put planters, although, I could potentially put some on the lower patio. Theoretically the deer will not be able to get to them, although I often see deer in my neighbors fenced yards, so I realize that is only a theoretical thought. Nothing keeps deer out of anywhere they want to be. I also do not want Pups to be eating stuff that could possibly harm them. 

I'm actually sitting here amused, because I already have so much that needs attention and here I am thinking of ordering my garden.  I need to be focusing on completing some of my current tasks. Geez. 

The Pups are starting to fall into a calmer routine, at all of 11 weeks old today they follow me around the house, they watch while I work, they play close by.  Life is starting to be less hectic and to flow more. Now if we could just master potty training that would be amazing! 

Well... my distraction is wearing off, my to do list is starting to nag at my mind, so I need to get with it. 

love and peace...  

satisfying...

I haven't felt like writing, I have felt like cleaning and organizing.  I know a lot of folks seem to be spring cleaning kind of people.  I am not.  For some reason, I love to clean and organize at the beginning of the year and in September.  I'm truly not sure why, but it is huge for me on a basic level.  The weekend involved completely emptying the kitchen pantry, doing repairs to the shelves, scrubbing everything down and organizing the crap out of it.  I have little boxes and lazy Susan type holders through out.  I got rid of so much stuff!  Things we can't/won't eat now got donated.  Extra appliances got donated to family or thrift stores and if it hasn't been out of the cabinet in a year or more it is gone. The level of clean is absolutely therapeutic!

Yesterday was spent cooking for Hubs work team one last time, at least for the five day stretch.  Realized I will be cooking for them again on Thursday for their monthly lunch and learn (as I semi-encouraged this I am not about to whine).  After that, I decided to finally get the ironing done and more cleaning out of closets and clothing.  It seems like I have been doing that task forever!  But I have to try it all on and then move it on.  It's a bit time consuming.  I am also finding that some of it has emotional attachments so I am slowly working through that.  I hate parting with something I love, even if it is way to big now. Silly, I know, but... it's me. 

It felt amazing to wake up this morning to a clean bedroom, where I could see the sofa, the shoes were all put away and all that was left was to vacuum and change the bed clothes this morning.  

I simply need my space clean. Something about starting the new year with everything fresh and organized makes my spirit feel energized and renewed.  And honestly the more I clear out, the more energized I am feeling.  My daughter looked at the pictures of my pantry and said it had to feel so satisfying.  I loved that phrase, because it completely describes how it feels.  

Satisfying.  I am fairly certain that should be one of my words for 2022.  

It feels so empowering, I don't feel like a victim to my possessions.  I am ready to tackle the next unorganized space.  My soap/candle making closet.  It's all just kind of piled in many locations and I don't exactly know what I have in there.  Each time I try to work on a project I realize I either don't have a key supply or I don't remember what I bought it for.  Before the weekend, that task will be complete.  

This organization thing is powerful. It gives me a feeling of being in control of my life, in control of everything around me in a world that is completely out of control.  I completely understand why my daughter is so uber organized, and if I was envious before now it is downright jealousy that she is so far ahead in this organization game.  

The babies were sleeping, the chaos surrounding them is not something that I am going to be able to skirt around, they aren't even 11 weeks yet.  But their chaos is not bad when the rest of it is in control.  There will still be accidents to clean up, puppy toys to pick up and lots of puppy breaks for loves, but all in all those are the bits and pieces that bring the love and joy. Right now they are zipping around, sitting on my feet bringing their treasure to my lap.  They are definitely bringing me much joy. 

My great nephew called and requested I make him a royal blue and yellow scarf so I want to get that done around puppies and chores today.  My youngest grand daughter has requested some "French Fry Soap" her term for a batch that didn't stay together correctly - as she has finally used all of hers and Hubs let me know he had to reschedule Thursday's lunch and learn, so some of the stuff I was frantic about finishing can be done more leisurely.  I've been practicing stopping and slowing down.  Going to parks and laughing in the midst of the "work", it's made it all so much smoother and easier to navigate. Time to enjoy the little things that make life beautiful!

love and peace...

welcome home, I love you!

The sunrise is beautiful this morning.  Reds, oranges, deep blues and bits of purple are tinting the skyline.  It's actually breathtaking.  I've finally stopped for a moment and thought I would sit here and enjoy it with a cup of hot coffee.  It's taken almost two and a half hours to drink the first one, cold, while chasing puppies and working around the house. 

I wish Hubs was up here to enjoy it with me, but he's deeply engrossed in a movie.  I want to call him up, but I guess he needs the time alone lost in his movie.  Today is an interesting day for him, fifty years ago he returned home from Vietnam, landing in Washington State, thankful to be back on US soil.  Never anticipating the "welcome" that he received.  That was the day he took off his uniform, his medals and his military persona and threw them in a trash can.  He was just a kid, just twenty years old.  Returning from war.  He was fighting for his country, with all of his heart.  Little did he know how disrespected he would be when he left the plane. 

That is his story to tell.  I've heard him share it.  I've heard many veterans of his generation share a very similar tale.  I am friends and family with veterans from many different battles and wars all in the name of protecting the American people.  They all served proudly, whether they volunteered or were drafted, they have given so much for our nation.  I have never felt the excruciating pain of losing a family member to those battles, but I have sat silently by and comforted the ones that are battle damaged.  Mentally and emotionally they are never the same person. It doesn't matter what conflict it was.  They are simply never the same. 

I have listened to Hubs tell me stories of Junior (his older brother) and his Uncle Ted (who died on his birthday fighting for this country long before I was born).  He tells me that Junior never smoked or drank until he returned from WWII, and after that moment, he was never completely sober again.  The scars of all that he saw eating at him for the rest of his life. 

When I first moved here, Hubs might acknowledge that he'd served, but he was always very silent and reserved about it.  I held him tight the first time he visited the traveling wall and found his friend's name.  Those wounds don't heal, you just learn to deal with life moving forward. 

Being a veteran doesn't make that exclusive on dealing with horror, there are many things in life that lead to pain and scars, battle scars as they are often referred to, I have more than a few of my own due to things life has thrown at me.  Yet I can't compare life's bruises, cuts and scars to those that are suffered by our veterans. 

I can't undue the damage that selfish people did.  And no matter how many people thank them for their service, we can never erase that so many of our veterans suffered being called baby killers and were spit on.  Funny, it wasn't the jerk politicians that were causing all of it that suffered, only those that did their duty for country. 

I get twisted inside thinking of some of this.  I get super angry.  I was quite young during that time frame.  I can't say I truly witnessed it.  Maybe it is one of the reasons I fail to rally to the side of all the virtue signalers, the people that refuse to treat others in a fair and equitable manner, the ones that only see their perspective as the right one.  Those that demand things for themselves, while denying it to others. 

I'm proud of my Vietnam Veteran!  He stepped up to the plate when his country needed him. I'm sorry for the jackasses that greeted his plane when it landed.  I regret that he didn't have a hero's welcome home, he should have. All of them should.  I am so proud of how he has dealt with the hurt and what could have been bitterness.  Instead you will always finding him thanking every service member for their service, he will buy their meals, he works with groups to help them find their way in life, he raises money for the veterans programs and he finally proudly wears his own veteran's status for the world to see. 

Fifty years ago today my sweet Hubs came back to the US, I joke around and tell him that he came back because he was supposed to be with me (even though that was a rocky, bumpy detoured filled road).  I don't know what the universe had in mind for him, but I am forever grateful that road led him to me. 

Next time you meet a veteran and they seem closed off, grumpy or even a touch surly, stop for a moment and look beyond.  Look in their eyes, are their shoulders back a bit too much, do they seem standoffish?  Maybe, just maybe they are still waiting to be welcomed home with open arms and pure gratitude.  Those selfish people that were simply tired of war and had no clue where to direct their anger harmed as many people as the war did.  A little love and gratitude can make a world of difference. 

Say thank you, listen to their stories, and for pities sake be there to hold them when they finally break through!

love and peace...

moments...

Anyone else have a headache that simply doesn't want to go away?  Or is it just puppies... seriously, it's not my sweet puppies, but I have had a lingering headache for about a week, I am totally over it.  I am wondering if I need more electrolytes or if its the fact that mother nature seems to be totally off her rocker this past week.  It's been everywhere from 50 degrees down to 6 degrees and today it is edging back up.  Seriously?  The world has totally gone nuts! Weather - check, politics - check, economy - check, people - rapidly hitting that point. 

I finished my special project yesterday and I am so excited about it.  I don't know if it is a surprise, so I can't show you a picture of it, just in case. I felt so unbelievably blessed making it.  I haven't done a project like that for literally years, it filled my heart to overflowing.   I needed that blessing yesterday.  My mood had been a bit dark and weary. I can't wait to show you it.  I am hoping I get to do more of them for other people.  It was so much fun. I'll show you next week. 

Today, I have got to knuckle down and start streamlining my chores around puppy messes.  The house feels like a non-stop disaster and I simply cannot take it anymore.  I think it is strongly contributing to my current fussy state.  I had gotten quite content to have my house clean and organized, I had a method to my madness, now I feel like I am back in the scramble to survive place that I was when I worked full time.  Because training and raising two beautiful babies is definitely a full time job. I think the only thing I have consistently managed to do is vacuum, sweep and mop floors.  

It's definitely time to organize my world. My day to day routine needs revisited, when am I going to do chores, when am I going to complete projects, blog, get my inventory going for my business?  I mean... seriously when? I haven't even updated my to do list in a couple of weeks.  By the time I remember my calendar I am off on another puppy chase or squeezing in something I have forgotten. 

I'm sleeping on mommy's lap, even if I don't fit!

I am still working on cleaning out closets, cupboards and all the other little spaces that I have been stashing stuff.  I am going to be making another delivery to my sister.  Anything she doesn't use, I know that someone in her church will. She belongs to a small congregation, they all look out for one another. Hubs is working on his closets too, it's simply time.  We've both lost too much weight to keep the clothing we have and frankly, I think out of sheer consumerism and desperation to survive life, we simply bought too much.  I have wanted a pocket wardrobe for a long time now, and I am working on creating just that very thing.  

I am working on cleaning out so much stuff, throughout our home and garage.  I prefer to actually give it to someone that needs it, but I am struggling with finding homes for so much of it, I think we have all just consumered ourselves to extremes.  Each time another bag of stuff leaves I feel a sense of relief.  I feel lighter. It's strange and I don't know how else to explain it. Definitely helps when keeping up with the puppies.  Now my crafting space - that one is going to be challenging.  I never want to part with stuff up there.  Instead of giving that away, the goal is going to be to use it up!  We'll see how that goes around the puppies schedules.   

Well, puppies have drifted back to sleep so it is time for me to tackle another project, I might even get some knitting done today.  I really want to finish this sweater. I also need to book the first comping trip of the year - Hannibal here we come!

love and peace...

no rest...

So very tired... Already 9 hours into this day, I am not so sure I will be up for another 9 hours, or heck even 7 at this point in time feels excessive.  The Pups went to sleep at 7 pm last night, momma was not that smart and didn't.  So when the wildebeests called at 3 am, it was a super short night, not for them, but for momma.  

Add to that like the unintelligent person that I am, after freezing to walk them, I didn't go back to sleep when they did, I started working on a special project.  I'm bouncing between naps trying to get the project finished.  I think I only need one more nap or Dad to come home and entertain babies to be able to finish it today, I'm crazy excited about it. Sitting in my sewing room creating is one of my happy places. 

The babies are definitely figuring out that they love their humans to spend lots of quality time playing with them.  They make me laugh, they each have their own toys, but just like babies want the same exact ones, doesn't matter that theirs is the exact same one.  I have spent several hours sitting on the floor with puppies laying over my legs gnawing on their teething bones.  Every so often one will roll over and give me their belly to rub, even my little girl is getting used to that.  Guess she's decided dominance isn't the only thing she has going for her. 

Yesterday we went for several walks, they loved it.  Today, it's so cold that none of us wants to wander out for long.  The wind is blowing something crazy also.  It's strange and lovely at the same time.  My wind-chimes are playing beautiful music.  The kind that soothes the soul, the trees out back are dancing like crazy and everything is sparkling in the sunshine. We don't often get winds as strong as the past two days though, so it's odd. 

As tired as I am, today was probably not the ideal day for my new laptop to come in, I knew I wouldn't have the patience to wait for a better day.  For the first time in close to a decade I purchased a true laptop, needed it for my Cricut, I have used a Chromebook forever in my personal life.  I don't believe I have ever made it a secret that I despise new technology.  I don't have the patience to deal with it, I like the tried and true, I want simple.  Again, I am simply not using my head today and sure enough I set that thing up.  I am struggling to adjust to the keyboard, can't find a darn thing, and well... not having fun.  I set it aside, Hubs can do whatever with it when he gets home.  That's his thing, not mine. Yes I totally want to play with my Cricut, no I don't want to set up a new computer.  YUCK!

My babies are asleep on the sofa again, so I am going to shift them to their kennels and go work on my special project again.  I can't wait to see it completed. When Dad get's home we are going to take our week 4 picture, although I can't really hold both of the babies at the same time now.  They are simply too big. Soon I am not sure I will be able to hold them at all.  They might be a tad bigger than we thought, his feet are getting awfully big and her legs are getting longer by the day. It cracks me up, definitely not identical twins, but definitely siblings. 

love and peace... 

patience...

Is it bad that I am creeping through my house like a burglar?  Silently moving from space to space to allow the babies undisturbed rest? I mean if I was smart I would have gone to sleep when they did, because 3:45 am is simply so very early.  But I had to weigh out the options.  Sleep while they did?  Or get a much coveted uninterrupted shower and a bit of time to work on the closets?  I mean... That hot water was heavenly!  And I have now completed 2/3 of the closet clean out, so... you can guess what I did.

Hubs was my hero this morning and took my suvie in to get the tires replaced.  I wasn't feeling overly excited about going into the heart of downtown St. Louis at 6:30 am, granted it's in the heart of the industrial area, but still, it's a bit more deserted and dark than I am comfortable with at that time of the day.  

In exchange I have not only been on full paw patrol, but also making lunch for his team again today.  In a few moments I will whip up his favorite dessert for him to share with his gang, one blueberry lemon cheesecake coming up, I'm not sure I feel that pairs wonderfully with chili, but it's not my stomach.

It's hard to believe that it is already the latter half of January, time is simply flying past.  I also feel a touch guilty that we haven't really had winter yet.  I mean not enough that I am going to whine that I don't have snow all over the ground and I'm freezing my tushie off when I take the babies outside.  But it feels odd to have so little snow or ice.  For the record, I am certainly okay with a mild winter this year.  My knee appreciates the opportunity to heal. 

Darn... wasn't quick or quiet enough.  My baby boy can see me from his kennel and is letting me know that he would like to be liberated.  I guess it's time to bundle up and take them walking... 

love and peace all... 

grateful...

Driving home from an early morning errand for the Hubs, I was overcome with gratitude for the past year.  I was enjoying the beautiful sunshine on my face, the remnant of the full moon still slightly visible in the soft blue sky.  My babies were snoozing in their carrier and I was listening to some old school country.  One can never go wrong with classic Judds - Grampa, tell me bout the good ole days.... Loving the fact that I was wearing my favorite "uniform" of blue jeans and a sweatshirt and breathing in the fresh clean morning air.  

As I was driving along I was debating on taking the Pups for a walk at our favorite park for dog walking, but decided that was something I needed to save for a time when Hubs was with us.  Besides, they were snoozing pretty darn good. 

A year ago I was fresh out of the most upsetting hospital stay in my life.  I was struggling to breathe thanks to the mask induced pneumonia that I was trying to recover from. My fever had finally dropped to a manageable 100, and I wasn't coughing nearly as much.  Now, I also couldn't take a deep breath, nor was I awake or coherent for more than a couple hours total per day. I don't remember much about the time immediately a year ago.  I remember talking on the phone with my kids in the emergency room, burning up with fever and recycled air.  I remember my sweet Hubs looking terrified as he was told he couldn't stay with my and me being barely able to make any decisions on my own.  I remember being angry. 

I remember the struggle back to me. Using that stupid breathing contraption that hurt like sin as it made me take deeper and deeper breaths, wanting to refuse, wanting to be better without the work. 

It was a long couple of weeks.  Little did I know at the time that it would lead to me losing large amounts of my hair, struggles with my memory (not as bad as the fibromyalgia - but still annoying), I didn't know it would zap my energy and strength for months and I didn't know that it was the first part of a completely different and wonderful life.

Sitting here in the sunshine with my puppies playing I am so grateful and blessed in my life. In a different time I would have volunteered to help my sweet Hubs with the task he is working on this week.  It's in my wheelhouse and it is doing things that I love to do.  In this space and time, I will run errands and make a hot lunch to deliver in a few hours. I am not willing to do the work.  I walked away from that. I will put that energy into our home and our life. 

A year ago I was miserable.  I hated the day to day.  I was simply worn and tired, no longer wishing to be part of something my heart was no longer in and not brave enough to walk away. 

Our life is different now.  I am happier.  I have energy for my family and friends.  I am in a place that allows me to pursue things that fill my soul and to have time to raise two rambunctious puppies.  To take care of my sweet Hubs so that he can continue to do the things that he is exceptional at. 

Last year was full of things I wasn't ready for.  Things that I "didn't have time for".  As I was sitting there in my SUV, listening to the music and savoring the moments I realized that my knee didn't hurt at all, heck neither of them did.  If the tire light hadn't popped on, I would have been tempted to load up an overnight bag and take my babies south to visit everyone.  It has been so very long since I could say I am pain-free.  Between our diet changes and my new knee, I actually spend the majority of my time in that beautiful pain-free bubble. 

We don't have all the "play" money that we used to have, but we have what we longed for... balance.  Hubs has his 50's wife.  I am in a much better mental state.  Stress doesn't really play into things any longer.  We both enjoy the world we live in now.  

I am so very grateful for the lessons and experiences of 2021, they gave me far more than they took away. 

What are you grateful for?

love and peace... 

shhhhhhh....

That's the feeling right now.  The Pups slept until 4:00 am, amazing considering the number of hours they spent in their kennels yesterday while we helped the eldest move.  I was simply hoping to get a couple of hours rest, so I am deeply thankful for a full night. 

Needless to say they were full of "piss and vinegar", as my Dad so famously used to say, when they woke up.  For almost 3 solid hours I have been chasing, cleaning, removing, playing, feeding, walking and snuggling these two.  I'm not going to lie, them falling asleep and quiet in their kennels right this moment feels like a blessing from heaven. 

The past few days have found me "walking" into opportunities to help others.  Some of it was super small, at least to me, yet the tears in that young mom's eyes when I paid for the fresh food she'd put back because she didn't have the money made me realize that if we have blessings in our lives, it is our responsibility to share those blessings. It's like the universe is placing them in my path to see if I will rise to the challenge.

I am still kicking myself for not paying more attention to my surroundings.  I was simply waiting in line, not really listening to the cashier rambling on, nor really noticing the mom and her little girl as he sent them over to the bank to replace the torn bill.  I was simply lost in my own thoughts, scrolling through social media killing time.  I'm still upset with myself and have decided I will not do that when I am out and about.  I want to be more present. 

If I had been more present, I would have gladly paid for her meager cart of groceries, there was so little there in the first place.  It wasn't until I saw the cashier remove the fruit, meat and cheese packages that she and her little girl were going to enjoy for their lunch that I became "present".  I paused her exit for just a moment while I quickly had the cashier add it to my bill.  Her words were so soft and powerful as she thanked me.  She's a single mom, going through a really tough time. 

I still feel selfish.  I could have easily taken care of her entire bill.  I had the money in the bank and could have easily shared.

If only I had been present. 

Then there was the senior that fell in his dark driveway as we were leaving the girls house.  Time is all it cost, but we were so worried about him.  I just happened to look to the side to see where all of the trash was coming from and saw him struggling, trying to stand, unable to get his feet under him.  Hubs rushed out the door, helped him, cleaned up the trash and glass and together we made sure he was okay before heading home.  What if I hadn't been curious?  What if we had left just a few moments earlier or I had decided to turn around in the road like I usually do?  How long would he have laid there in the cold?

Those are just a couple of the things that have appeared in my path.  I wasn't looking, they were just there.  I wonder how many more chances we might have had to make a difference if we'd have been paying attention?  

Yesterday we were able to help the eldest move into her new place.  It felt amazing to be able to provide support and love.  But it's natural and normal to do for family and close friends.  It still felt amazing to have the family gathered in a loving net around her as she starts this new phase of her life.  The girl is a master at organization and she put those skills to heavy use helping her sister yesterday.  Watching Dad put together furniture while I was washing dishes to put away filled my heart with love.  The laughter, the smiles listening to the youngest as she cleaned all of the doorknobs declaring them to be "disgusting" was hysterical, they weren't FYI, but to her she was providing a very valuable service. 

The youngest and I came home early to walk the Pups and play with them for a bit.  We also decided to make a batch of cookies, as one can never have too many treats when you are a four year old.  Especially ones that you can roll and mash with your bare hands. 

Hubs feeds a little possum that lives under our porch.  Doesn't seem like much, some folks think he's absolutely nuts for doing it, but that little possum takes care of us as well.  He also feeds the birds, never letting their feeders go empty even in a snow storm.  We even prepared a plate of nuts and grains for the squirrel, yes he's my nemesis during the summer months, but it's one of God's creatures.  We both firmly believe in doing whatever we can.  

It made me realize that if we all took just a few more minutes or hours to do things for others, to help one another, we could seriously make an impact on this world of ours.  If the goal simply became to see how many people each and everyone of us could impact in a day, the power, the energy would be incredible!  And think about it, if everyone is doing it, then everyone is benefiting from it. 

It makes me think of that sweet woman offering up extra food.  She was determined to make a difference in her own community.  Instead of worrying about whatever crap the news is currently trying to brainwash us with, what if we used our collective skills and energy for good?  I was surfing through a few sites that fill my heart with joy and came across a story about a group of quilters making pillow cases to donate.  They made 128 of them in a day.  I never really thought about people needing pillow cases, it seems so basic.  But is it?

Is any of it basic? 

I want to be more present.  I want to be less connected to that which doesn't serve my highest good and more connected to those around me. 

Anyone else what to take on the challenge?  Do a bit more good in the world? My deepest hope is that those random acts of kindness will inspire more and more in all of us.  I want to live in that world.  I want to manifest that world. 

love and peace...