unbusy...

Dappled sunshine has replaced the rain.  The cooler temperatures the breeze brought are a welcome change.  Hard to believe it is this cool in July.  It's definitely a gift.

This downtime is a blessing.  I have to keep reminding myself not to look at work. To stay focused on this sense of "unbusy".  I've needed it.

Unbusy doesn't mean that I am doing nothing.  Not by a long shot.  It means I am choosing what is important in that moment of time.  It means doing things that have meaning or importance to me.

Puttering in my house is not something I have had the luxury of since, well... since we moved in.  Vacations have been spent going or doing.  Weekends are the same.  Squeezing things in.  This is the first time in 5 years that it's simply about being.

After finishing Hubs' anniversary project, I eyed the bag of baby afghans that had been pushed aside.  My precious free time was not calling out to them.  It was more focused on other things.  The joy found in threads sliding through my fingers was not found in those rushed moments.  They had become a chore.

This morning I finished all three.  The crocheting was completed last night while sitting and visiting with Hubs and a friend that had joined us for dinner. It was so calming and relaxing to sit and chat. Listening to Hub's ever present smooth jazz.  Talking about random things in life.  Children, hopes, dreams, the present and the future.  All while watching more dark clouds roll in.  Waiting to wash away any negative energies that arose.

 Even though this person had a background in the same career, we carefully avoided the topic.  The awkward avoidance was simply caused by the deliberate attempt to not move into that area.  The chance to remember what it was like to have conversations that didn't go there was refreshing.  It was like going to a strange new land and enjoying what was found there. Definitely a habit that needs to continue.

This morning with fresh eyes it was time to weave in loose ends, my least favorite part of any project.  Searching through my tote did not yield the needle I was in search of, so I bravely wandered up to my sewing/creating room.  That requires a deep breath, it is full to the brim and desperately needs attention.

Just not today.

As I pulled out random bags of yarn projects I found what I was looking for.  Still threaded with a bit of yarn from whatever project I had finished last.  Turning to leave, one of the small bags caught my attention, I've really been enjoying needle crafts lately.  For months now my fingers have yearned for one of my first loves.  Probably why I have been finishing so many cross stitch projects that had been gathering dust.

There in the owl bag was a small tablecloth that I had started back in 2002.  It's German, I remember buying it in the small craft store on a small back street during one of the last trips I made to Mainz with a dear friend that has long since passed away.  She was such a blessing to this world. We shared many passions and I think of her often.  Ironically, she is one of the few friends I had from my previous life that ever met my sweet Hubs.  It's been sitting in the bag, untouched for far too long.

I carried it back down with me to work on after finishing those blankets.  It was definitely tempting to avoid doing the job I hated and start again on the tablecloth. I feel quite proud of myself, those blankets are completely finished.  Soft, pretty and destined for some sweet little newborns.  I can officially say they are done.

Only then did I start to finish the final rose stems.  There were only a few still remaining.  It's now time to start the roses.  I really want to finish some of my huge number of unfinished projects.  I want to experience that joyful feeling of completion.

I will take breaks, my eyes need the rest, as do my fingers.  I cannot wait to see it on my beautiful antique table with my Polish pottery sitting in the middle of it. I do intend to savor the journey as much as the finished project.  With the needle gently moving through the fabric I do get lost in my thoughts and the stillness.  It is like therapy.

I think my soul has needed this break from the normal.  I needed to remember what the art of unbusy is, and that it is truly okay to say no.  To take naps, to savor my coffee and relax.  It's a powerful feeling.

morning interrupted?

Woke up to winds swirling the trees surrounding the house and clouds rushing past, in a hurry to get where they were going.  Dark and foreboding.  We knew the rain was coming and that we needed to walk our baby boy before it hit.  Granted, he doesn't mind it overly much, but those clouds were awfully dark.

I haven't gone on many of the walks since Gator left.  I haven't felt it in my heart.  I've missed the nice morning chats with Hubs, but my hands felt empty.  And honestly, not rushing to get dressed in the mornings hasn't been hard to take. Today, I decided to grab my coffee and stroll along.  It felt good.  Fresh air swirling around.  Conversations about my little old man.  It was a great start. 

So great that we decided to sit out back with our coffee.  We kept sitting when the rain started falling, we have a huge umbrella, we weren't quick enough to keep the fabric seats dry, but we still had the nice metal ones. 

With no where to rush off to, no hurrying about needing to happen, we sat and enjoyed the rain. Hubs can't take silence, so of course there was music, luckily it was soft enough to listen to the pounding rain, the critters seeking shelter.  The smell of the rain, petrichor (as Facebook was kind enough to teach me today), surround us and filling our senses. 

At first I was feeling a bit bummed that the beautiful morning was being stolen.  It took a moment to realize that it was a gift.  A chance to slow down even more, to avoid going out and to absorb even more this precious gift of time. 

Yesterday we lazily spent the morning doing a bit of nothingness a few chores, relaxing, puttering about.  I was feeling terribly unproductive at first. I'm so used to my rush around lifestyle that I have forgotten so many things that bring me joy.  And the reason that they do. 

Cooking. 

I have completely gotten away from creating meals, we eat out far too often.  I had relegated it to the status of more work.  Something I simply didn't want to do.  Forgetting that it not only nourishes my body, but also my soul.  I love to create, to follow my heart about what to put together to make a meal. 

While the Hubs took a short morning nap, I tidied the kitchen and allowed my mind to wander.  Rinsing out a container of mustard for recycling got my brain to questioning why I was buying something that people have been making (quite successfully... it's still around isn't it) for thousands of years.  Digging through the pantry, yielded almost all of the ingredients. 

My desire to support local businesses, led to a "field trip" to St. Charles.  I needed a local spice shop.  Besides I was curious to the level of the river.  Hubs and I had a delightful day wandering the historic center, full of small, locally owned shops.  The spice shop not only didn't disappoint, but had everything I was in search of. For far less than a jar of mustard would have cost.

We wandered the river front, in awe of the island where the river front grounds used to be.  Watching the river rushing past, currents strong and circling.  Imagining the changing topography below.  What would the riverfront look like when this current flooding ceased?

We weren't in a particular hurry to get anywhere, so we took the long way home.  We traveled a few back roads, having no idea where we were heading, just knowing that we were close, but far.  A few turns down roads with the fullest cornfields I remember seeing in a long time led us to West Alton.  I forgot to take pictures, I was too immersed in the moment of looking at the utter devastation.

 Home after home, barns, churches, businesses either gone or destroyed.  Glaring yellow and orange stickers on all of them.  We didn't stop to read them.  We didn't need to.  All of these buildings had been either partially or completely submerged. The piles of personal belongings, the bits and pieces that make a home or business piled on the sides of the road.  Debris from yards, trees, garages, mud swept away to allow the road to reappear.  The signs warning of camera's, looters will be shot, etc.  And fires as people burned the trees that had fallen and the items that could not be salvaged. 

My heart hurt.  And then I realized that I could definitely relate to these folks.  They lost everything, yet there they were on a hot summer day cleaning it out, starting over, planting their fields and rebuilding their lives.  I am that kind of person.  I will always roll up my sleeves and start over.  I don't believe in a no  win situation.  Now, in all frankness, I would probably clean it up and sell it.  Moving somewhere less likely to encounter that type of disaster again.

As we slowly meandered back to roads that hadn't been flooded and lives not disrupted it seemed like we were moving between worlds. The untouched lives were so close to those destroyed.  A distance of a few miles.  It was very humbling.

We live nearer the Meramac river and this year we didn't flood as badly as the Mississippi and Missouri, she's high, overflowing banks in many area's.  But for a change not taking homes and businesses with her.  I wonder when we humans will realize that mother nature is going to have her way, it doesn't matter what we want.

The heat and humidity of the day had zapped Hubs and I and hunger was calling us home.  We are trying to not eat out, to enjoy home cooked meals and not rush.  As he relaxed in his recliner, I started dinner.  It's incredible how yummy simple meals at home are. 

I also started that mustard.  It will be ready today. It smelled wonderful, reminding me of the German mustard I grew up with.  I made sure to get a mix of yellow and brown mustard seeds, I didn't want it as tame as the generic yellow mustard, I wanted something with a rich, warm flavor.  I use it in many of my dressings and salads. 

This slower morning has encouraged and enriched me.  It is filling voids I didn't realize were there.  Sunday drives, puttering in the kitchen, prepping my rocks for their final stage, even doing the laundry.  They all feel like gifts right now.  Nothing is rushed.  If I want to sit and finish a baby blanket, I am not stealing time from something else, I am simply living.

This is an incredible feeling!

just being...

Hazy, lazy Sunday morning.

Official start of two weeks of vacation. 

It's so odd to have all these days stretched out before us.  I almost feel overwhelmed.  I'm not used to having what feels like a limitless supply of free time.  I am not even remotely sure what to do.  I'm sitting here drinking my coffee and watching the sun slowly lighten the sky.

I have a list of things that need done.  Not feeling it.  Although I am fairly positive if I tackled a few of them I would be in a much better space mentally.  The clutter and chaos is wearing on me.  It's a list that has been lingering, some of it for years, but just seems so much like... work.

I have a longer list of fun, mentally stimulating, challenging crafting things I want to do.  With these I am more in the space of which one do I start?  I always get this way when I have just finished a project that has been consuming.  And I just finished Hub's anniversary present last week. The list of things I want to make and try is long.  I have the supplies for much of it.  I just get myself tied up in this spinning wheel of what to work on next. 

A part of me almost has the ambition to load the big boy up in the car and go find a nice walking trail for him.  Then the worry wart side of me kicks in and wonders if it's too warm for him, will the distance be too long, I mean after all he is almost 15 years old.  For a big dog that is ancient!  And I have had far too much loss this year of my beloved fur babies.  I'm no where near ready to say goodbye to the last.

Even though I am feeling at a loss of where to begin the fun, I have to admit that I am also very much enjoying the possibilities. Who knows, I might even simply go back to bed for a while.  This sense of freedom is a bit overwhelming when I usually live such a structured life.

I could seriously come to enjoy this.

Everyone has been asking where are you going?  It felt odd and equally as freeing to say no where.  No plans, no destinations.  A few maybe we wills, but nothing concrete.  Life has simply gotten far too complicated and overwhelming.  I am truly longing for simplicity. With the only deadlines, demands and needs being the ones our bodies create.  The need for rest and nourishment. And everything else being simply what we want and need to feel content.

Sadly, I feel I will finally be comfortable with the alarm not going off just about the time it's over.  The last time I had this much "free" time, I was traveling to Germany.  That was back in 2012. Forever ago. And I am a planner.  I like my world planned out for me.  What am I going to do, when, where and how.  I am not good at loose ends.

Am I going to putter with planting my basil plants?  Make soap?  I have about 6 different ones I want to try.  Finish up baby blankets?  Explore the countryside?  Practice cooking and making delicious meals for sweet Hubs?  Work on jewelry made with the beautiful stones?  Finish spinning that mournful bit of roving that has been waiting for years?  Of maybe I will finally go and get an energy healing - it has been on my list forever!  Or maybe we will go and watch a movie at the IMAX - it's about volcano's.  Or find somewhere local to search for stones. Or, or, or....

The possibilities seem endless right now.  On the verge of just being is a pretty exciting place to be.  A place to find time to daydream.  A place for some sunshine and light.  Maybe we will pack a picnic, a blanket and go and find a place to simply enjoy solitude... ah that sounds heavenly... Somewhere without people, I am definitely feeling I cannot people right now. 

Maybe the big dog would like that?

Or maybe just a nap, the mind woke me up at 4:00 am worrying about work.  It simply didn't want to listen when I gently scolded that could wait.

Enjoy the day, spend time doing what makes you whole.  Chase a few rainbows and dreams.  Life is far too short to miss out on those things...

disconnection...

It's a powerful feeling.  I have one more bit of business to take care of today.  An all staff meeting tonight to celebrate my team after a crazy, exhausting summer.  And then, for the most part, I will completely disconnect.  I will approve payroll, I will be available for emergencies.  But it's time to disconnect. 

Recording my voicemail out of office message, felt incredible. Putting my out of office on my email.  Equally powerful. 

I've had my bucket emptied for far too long. 

I have a lot of bits to tie up today.  I will finish them.  Tomorrow I can officially stop thinking for a moment. 

This morning has been calming.  Hubs put on an older movie and we sat and enjoyed it.  I tuned out when he moved on to far too many episodes of old television.  My fingers gleefully wrapped around strands of yarn.  Mindlessly working the stitches that my fingers have memorized.  No thought required.  

A bit of time spent texting with my daughter and one of my sisters.  The desire to start my time off today bubbling up deep inside.  

I've never watched the movie Baby Boom.  As it was playing this morning I was rooting for her to make the choice that she did, at the same time I was feeling an overwhelming understanding that the feelings I have been fighting have been something we've been sliding headlong into for a really long time! That movie is over 30 years old, yet there was today's reality in full color. 

I'm not sure I want to move to a 200 year old farm house, some of those challenges seemed far more overwhelming than I am currently able to process.  Yet the thought of walking away from everything and finding myself, my center, having time for what is truly important.  Yep, those things definitely resonated with me.  

Everywhere I turn I am seeing people important to me struggling.  Between the rat race (those are some huge rats folks), our diets and other things that I'm slowly starting to explore... it feels like we are losing us. 

I woke up to news that one of my oldest friends had checked into the hospital.  I am sending prayer and healing energy to him and his wife.  There are health issues far closer to home.  How much of it is tied to our diets, our stress factors, pushing ourselves to limits that are unfathomable? How much of it is the fact that our society has stopped being okay with people just being people. 

Yep, I am desperately in need of this break.  This chance to simply stop. Hubs and I haven't made plans for this break.  We aren't going to.  There are things that we need to continue to explore.  We will take some close to home adventures.  We will enjoy our home.  Love our pup.  And reconnect with each other. 

After some quality time with my doctors, lots of tests. Hubs having to deal with tests, exams, waiting for results, etc...  I finally decided it was time to reevaluate the damage that we had been doing to ourselves, unintentionally, but doing just the same.  

Dinners out, simply from exhaustion, skipping meals, living on coffee and convenient junk just to keep moving at the pace that we decided was being demanded of us.  Note I said that we decided.  No down time or the bit we found being consumed by consuming.  Weekly shopping, chores, more stuff to do and buy. Finding wineries and numbing ourselves. Rush, rush, hurry, hurry. 

None of that has really been making us happy. In fact, it's been making us miserable. 

Over two years ago I learned of Forks Over Knives.  I've been researching.  I've been occasionally making recipes.  I've been arguing the premise in my own mind as someone's agenda. Refusing to watch the video - I am not interested in seeing slaughter houses thank you very much. 

I also wasn't interested in a vegetarian/vegan diet.  I know far too many vegetarians/vegans that don't eat any healthier than I was and weren't in any better physical shape. And I am not referring to size.  I couldn't care less about that.  I mean health wise. 

Sharp pain, a medical professional's careless statement about surgeries and other things and my stress escalated beyond belief. So did my natural need to learn. 

I don't have to have any surgeries, Hubs, well we will see.  We haven't been doing our poor bodies any favors and some of it I can't undo. But much of it, we can stop any forward progression.  It's completely in our power to do so.  

Fear is a powerful motivator.  And I have an immense fear of medications and the medical profession as a whole.  I am never going to trust them.  It's not my nature.  I feel there is much that we have allowed to happen to us as a society and many of our ills have been placed upon us intentionally.  But that particular bit of conspiracy theory is for another time. 

I was a vegetarian for many years.  A very poor one, but still.  I didn't eat meat.  I replaced it with all kinds of man made, chemical filled substitutes.  And I definitely could live on potato chips and processed junk full of sugar.  After all I wasn't eating meat.  Almost 16 years ago Hubs convinced me to stop.  It didn't take much convincing.  After all, like I said I was not a very good vegetarian, I hadn't given up non-foods. I hadn't studied it nor made an effort to understand the complexities. 

Heck, I have a freezer full of processed, made to taste like meat, chemical laden foods right now.  Things that I convinced myself were a healthy choice. 

After the charming PA scared the living crap out of me two weeks ago, I seriously started processing thoughts.  Not food.  For me it was a case of simply stopping.  Eliminating what wasn't serving me.  That is how I am.  

A doctor stating that if I didn't would mean medication - writing me prescriptions (like I am actually going to take those?), surgeries, needles... nope, sorry.  I don't do those things.  There are times in my life that I seriously do not remember - snippets of memories filter through, but that is all, because I have allowed doctors to prescribe medications and took them.  Not the future I want.  

Hubs is still adjusting a bit.  I think he long ago accepted that I am odd and different.  That I hear a totally different band playing.  Sometimes he might struggle with understanding who I am and where I am going, other's... he just plays along to my beat.  I mean the man gave me a meteorite for an anniversary present!!  Of course he understands me!

I am so excited to be able to prepare amazing foods for him for the next two full weeks.  To not have to reset our taste buds a bit.  Almost a year ago he had a stroke, it was minor in that he was able to recover almost 100%.  For a year he's been dealing with the side effects of the medications that they prescribed.  Those medications have been bringing their own challenges health wise and now he has other things he must deal with.  I need for that kind of stuff to stop. 

I can't change all of it.  

But I am dang sure going to work on changing most of it. I can control the food we eat.  For now he's willing to walk this path with me.  He loves yummy meals.  And he does trust me in crazy ways.  He is willing to try.  I am willing to try.  He's even helping me chop the veggies and prepare the meals.  

These two weeks will also give us some quality down time.  Heck we might even finish unpacking our house.  It's only been 5 years!

It is definitely going to give us time for some experiences.  Maybe we will find some creeks to explore, some back roads to travel, some adventures. A chance to fall in love even deeper than we are.  With each other, our lives, our journey. 

If you read my blog, I guess I should warn you that there might be days of it getting really deep.  I need a chance to explore these thoughts and this journey.  There are things coming that are going to be raw. Thoughts and feelings that are going to need to be dealt with and faced.  There are probably going to be an incredible amount of pictures of healthy foods.  The colors of the rainbow and full of life giving nutrition.  I promise to not become radical, but I know that I need this journey to stay sane, to heal both myself and my dear sweet Hubs.  His journey is harder than mine right now, these medications need to go, I am going to be the stronger one, until he is able to be the strongest one again. 

I am feeling the universe is yelling at me to pay attention.  I feel the things that I used to interpret as distractions are really things I need to pay attention to.  I am growing stronger in that knowledge. I have never known why I chose to write my blog, I still don't.  Nor do I understand why there are times that I am drawn to write with more of an urgency than others.  

Maybe it is all part of this crazy journey, this process to discovery?  Maybe it is simply that I find it healing. 

Anyhow... the journey is continuing, more insanity is sure to follow... after all I now own a meteorite full of the power of the universe!

new paths...

This morning's sunrise was calm.  There were no raging colors, the penetrating ray's of blinding light were strangely absent.  As I sat in my rocker on the deck this morning, enjoying the unusual chill of the past few mornings, I listened silently to the world coming to life. 

It's been a rough few weeks.  The struggles aren't over yet. And I am truly not sure if that light I see ahead is the light at the end of the tunnel or simply an oncoming train.   

Last night I was not in a good spot, neither was Hubs, our solution?  We went chasing the sunset.  Top down beautiful evening miles and miles of back roads. I wasn't so upset, he was calmer, life was more balanced.  We had a chance to enjoy the drive and talk.  No phones, no televisions, no interruptions. We balanced for a moment in time.

I'm trying to look at life and everything going on from a less reactive state of mind.  I'm trying to sit back and process it all.  I'm trying to understand where this journey is taking us and how to follow the path holistically.  I'm trying to look at things from the perspective of what am I to learn from this challenge.

Sitting there in the silence, listening to the birds calling each other from probably miles apart, watching the moon slowly fading as the sky lightened, I felt peaceful.  There is more chaos in our lives than I feel equipped to handle.  Each time I think, okay... we've got this... there is another huge road block that flies up in our faces.  Yesterday, was no exception.  Together we will sort things through.  We will figure out what we are meant to learn from each new "adventure". 

It's been over a week since we lost our Gator.  He's home now.  His box is beautiful, his collar still carries the faint fragrance of him.  He was going to get a bath last weekend, he didn't end up needing it. It's odd.  My heart misses him, I hate looking at his empty beds - which I will put away this weekend,  Neeko isn't interested in them. Yet I feel calm.  I feel he is racing happily with his Amber, running through grasses and chest bumping each other.  I feel he is at peace.  I know that is a strange thought for some people.  For me... he was my baby... I know he's waiting at the Rainbow Bridge.  I know our spirits will be together some day.  

For now, we are simply spoiling the Neeks.  The toys I complain about are littering the floors, of course he needs them all.  Extra snuggles and more space on the bed.  He will never be a snuggle up to sleep boy, even as he gets crazy close.  

I don't feel a need or even desire to welcome any other pups into our home.  It isn't the time.  It's time for something else right now.  I'm not all together sure what, but something.  We can take the Neeks a few places now, his health isn't as precarious as Gator's was.  He's old, not feeble.  When we are on vacation next week we will spend some time with him, find some new places to take some leisurely walks and most likely find him some treats.  A juicy steak would suit him just fine. 

I thought I would be dragging Hubs on this new journey of mine, as I work to regain my own health.  Determined to drag him if I had to.  Ironically, there was no dragging.  No kicking and no screaming.  I might be a bit shocked.  We aren't done studying, learning and gathering information.  We are working to insure that we are both healthy and have many more wonderful years together. 

Some of this journey is still undefined.  Some it is is more of a gradual revelation.  Kind of like the beautiful rocks that I checked on this morning.  I think there are many things moving through my life experience right now that are the universes why of demanding that I pay attention.  Some of them are little jabs, pricks to the consciousness.  

Like yesterday.  

I was helping to clean up at the annual book fair.  The Y has been doing it for 41 years now.  I have only been cleaning up for 16, I forgot the year that I didn't work for the Y as I was remembering each one.  Slowly it has improved.  Very slowly.  We weren't in the blazing sun, nothing involved conveyor belts, and there were very few pinched fingers.  Muscles are aching today, but that is the extent of physical damage.  

More so, the revelation is all that is lingering.  As we moved literally thousands of pounds of books, first into huge gaylord boxes to be resold to a book seller. And finally into the recycling bins, we filled two 40 yard recycling bins to the very tops.  No room left in either.  And a 30 yard dumpster with things that cannot be recycled or sold. I was shaken to my core.  It was depressing to callously through all of that stuff away.  I hope the recycling company actually recycles it, but I don't have much faith in humankind any longer. 

We have become such a wasteful, consumerism driven society.  I put enough duplicate copies of books into bins that I could have easily filled a small book store. What drives this?  As I was processing all of those books I was reflecting on my own home and belongings.  I have tons of books, that at a point in time, I felt strongly about owning.  But why?

It isn't just books.  It's everything around us.  

I am processing a lot right now.  Mentally, I am on overload.  Physically, I feel that I am healing, the process will take time. It will not be an overnight fix.  Which I feel that far too many people are looking for these days.  I saw a meme the other day that really spoke to me.  It was on a friends weight loss motivation site... two lines, one for the quick way, one for the one that takes a lot of work and commitment.  Guess which line was the longest...

I am as guilty as the next one. I think I've become so busy filling my life with stuff, that I have lost some of the most valuable stuff - time with family and friends, adventures, rest and doing things that genuinely matter.  Bike rides with Hubs, adventures with kids and the Neeks.  (I almost wrote the boys - guess my heart isn't there yet.) 

I can't continue to pour from an empty bucket and I am aware of that.  I am aware of the walls I am building to protect my heart and of the damage I am doing to myself to help others.  I think most of us are.  We just don't step back to reflect and learn, society doesn't want us to.  

Tomorrow is our anniversary... 16 years.  We've been through so much together, Hubs still owes me a minimum of 14 more, that was our agreement, he had to promise me at least 30 years.  I'm pushing for 40.  

So much is changing, I'm trying to stay steady and true in the midst of the storms that keep brewing.  On Saturday we are hitting a HUGE reset button.  We are slowing down and stepping back from life for a bit.  Maybe finally doing some things that we want to do.

New journey's are not always good, the challenges are not always bad.  Sometimes they are the portal to a better place to be... 

accepting...

Struggling to sleep. 

I had forgotten this part of the mourning process.  It could be my subconscious is still programmed to wake and listen for his breathing in the middle of the night.  Not sure.  I'm at peace, I'm not tortured that he's gone.  I'm hurting.  I look at his spots and my heart tightens.  It's different than the ones I lost far too young.  Yet it hurts just the same.

I struggled all day yesterday to figure out what I wanted inscribed on his box.  Torn.  Too few words to express his lifetime of love and devotion.  I finally decided late last night.  Over 24 hours of loss had the clearing ability I needed.

As I was driving home from work last night the sky, the air, everything was this strange orange color.  We had a horrible storm roll in around 6 pm.  The sky went from pure beautiful blue with bright sunshine to a deep rolling black/gray color.  You could see it moving in.  For hours  lightning lit the deepness all around us.  When I left a little after 8 pm feeling beat up and incapable of anything, the sky started to lighten.  It as still raining, lightning was flashing all around, but the sky turned orange.  I felt like I was in some strange Hollywood sci fi as I drove home. 


My mind was processing the day, some news I had received, the loss of my sweet boy, worry over how Neeko was doing.  It was surreal. It was overwhelming. I felt like I had somehow become part of the sunset, not just simply watching it.

Maybe all of those things were the reason for the stolen sleep?

Of all our babies, Neeko is the most social.  Either of the other two would have gladly been an only child.  Not Neeks.  He is the eternal puppy at heart.  The house is littered with his toy collection, he is worse than a two year old.  He's bouncy and joyous.  And he thrives on attention and love. 

The journey to this home and now has taken us from a micro zoo... 2 cats, 2 dogs, a lizard and turtle to simply Neeko.  It feels weird to not think in plural terms.  Hubs just took Neeko for his morning walk.  I guess I could have gotten dressed and joined them.  But my heart isn't ready.  I don't want anyone to ask where Gator is.  People get weird when you refer to them passing, some people just don't understand that he is our baby.  Hubs and I never had two legged children together.  Our boys, are just that, our boys.

When I got home last night Neeks didn't greet me with a toy, as he usually does.  He wandered over, head down, eyes looking sad and lonely.  I could see what had worried Hubs all day.  I couldn't have it. I am not ready for him to mourn himself to the Rainbow Bridge, he will get there soon enough.  He will be 15 in November, unheard of for his breeds. 

I grabbed a stuffed bunny from his toy box and told him it was mine!  In typical two year old style the challenge was accepted.  We played for about 15 minutes.  Chasing each other around the main floor, playing with his toys, watching the joy return to his eyes.  He even climbed in bed with me at the end of the night.  Allowing me to comfort him.  He hadn't allowed that the night before. 

I don't know how many more sunrises and sunset we will share with our Neeko.  Our last boy, I hope there are many.  I'm not ready for any more loss right now.  I'm not ready for silence of that level. 

There are other things to occupy my mind, things that will need a lot of my attention.  But for this moment in time.  I am choosing to focus on bringing joy back to a silly old boy, I don't want him to experience any more loneliness than is necessary.

I'm processing the next steps, I'm processing the news I received yesterday.  There is some educating that needs to happen.  I need to learn more.  I need to figure out what all of it means.  For today and this moment, it can wait.

This morning Hubs and I washed off the rocks that have been rolling for most of the month.  Phase 3, pre-polishing has started.  Hubs has fallen in love with one of the most beautiful stones, and I need to start exploring how to create a ring for him with it. It is so very beautiful, the energy of that stone will be perfect for him.  A few more weeks until their true beauty shines through... When do I get to phase 3 for me?

until we meet again...

Fifteen years ago, during what felt like the darkest time.  On what would have been my puppy Fred's first birthday, I brought home my Gator. I can still hear the phone message from that long ago machine playing over in my head.  "This is the vet clinic, we got notice that you had applied to adopt Metro, we know that there were 43 people before you on the list, but wanted to tell you about the Basset-Pit, brindle, male that has been waiting for someone to love him for over three months now.  If you want to go look at him, we will stay open until you decide so you can bring him in for a check up."

 I distinctly remember saying we are just going to look, we are NOT bringing him home.

After waiting for what seemed like hours, probably only 30 minutes, the officer came and had us follow her to the dog handling area.  She let him come running to me.  There I was all squatted down low, arms spread wide expecting that little, big ball of fur to stop short.  Cautious.  Unsure of me.  What I was not expecting was that little fireball lunging straight into my arms, landing me flat on my back with all 60 plus pounds of him on my chest, licking me like I was his favorite flavor of ice cream.

I gently scolded him about licking (it freaks me out) and wrapped my arms tightly around that ball of energy that needed a bath. He never licked my face again.  And I never took my arms from around him. 

Until about half an hour ago. 

Just about four and a half years ago, the vet said, he's got cancer and he's too old to operate on.  Take him home and love him.  Cherish every moment and make it count, to bring him back when it was time.  I remember through teary eyes, sobbing and numb at the same time, asking him how will I know when it is time?   His response... He will let you know.

I was fearful this morning, just the way he'd been acting, the staggered, short walk. The refusal to eat his treats.  The look in those beautiful eyes. 

I got the call about an hour before I planned to leave.  I don't even remember what I left sitting on my desk as I grabbed my keys, phone and bag and told my friend that I had to leave.  The panic hadn't set it, but I could feel it.  I was praying that Hubs was just being over cautious again.  I was praying that it wasn't time.  I knew it was.  I've known it was coming I could feel it.  He woke me up super early this morning, usually I am waking him up.  I could hear him walking around, but something wasn't right.

I think I drove home on auto pilot tonight.  As soon as I cleared the door those sweet eyes gazed up at me.  The look told me all I needed to know.  He was waiting for mommy.  I lifted him over to his bed, loved on him for a moment and told him I would be back down in a few moments. 

I knew it was time.

He was letting me know.  I wrapped my baby in a blanket and snuggled him close.  I sat with him to let Neeko say good bye.  I know I was stalling leaving the house. I also know that as rough of a start as he and Neeko had they truly were brothers that loved each other.  Neeks is going to be lost. 

I took my time saying goodbye.   Those last minutes seemed far too short.  I told him how much I loved him and thanked him for loving me unconditionally. At about 5:45 pm I let my baby cross the rainbow bridge.  He was hurting.  He was tired.  I could have been selfish, and Lord knows I wanted to be selfish.  I wanted as much time as I could gather to my heart.  I could have waited a few more hours, holding him close and petting that sweet head.  Stroking the soft fur and talking softly to him.  He was ready to go.  He was tired.  He was letting me know.

I couldn't... that sweet boy was my heart dog.  He was truly my baby.  I could never allow anything to hurt him. He went to sleep softly in my arms.  His eyes gently closed, his heart slowly stopped. I held him until his little paws got cold. And I carefully laid him in the "pet hearse".  Paws Forever will bring him home again to me soon. 

Tonight a loving heart stopped.  He was almost 19.  I was blessed.  Right now... I feel lost.

metamorphic...

It's been a week. 

Heck it's been a rough 18 months.  There have been highs, there have been bright spots.  It hasn't been all hard.  I would never want to take away the shiny bright spots.

All week I have been thinking about metamorphic rocks. 

I know I am weird.  For years I truly wanted to be a geologist.  I wanted to spend my life engrossed in the study of rocks and how they affect and influence our lives.  I don't know if I wanted to search for oil or beds that would benefit some major company.  I think I am simply fascinated by rocks.  The pressures and situations that cause such massive beauty to exist.

Marble and slate are probably the most commonly known of the metamorphic family.  And look at their beauty.  The usefulness and abundance in our lives.  None of that could exist without an extreme amount of pressure, heat and stress.

People aren't all that different.  I find beauty in the wrinkles, the bright white streaks that we all manage to find a few of.  There is beauty in the creases and scars. The fine lines brought on by hard work, stress and pressure.

I'm finding myself making many changes.  Some just because its time for a change, some for my health, some for my mental health. 

Over the course of the weekend Hubs and I went to the Cahokia Mounds Archaeological site. It was too hot and muggy to climb to the top of Monks Mound - we will go back later in the year and climb those steps.  But we were blessed to meet some incredible Native American artisans.  My favorite couple that I met are from New Mexico.  And that had nothing to do with the fact that my oldest friend lives there.  They are from the Pueblo tribe and live about 5 hours from my sister by heart.  Although they did invite us to a feast day they are having on August 4th, I cannot be there.  If I had the ability I would go, I would love to break bread with them, what an amazing birthday experience that would be. 

Instead... I got a beautiful early anniversary present.  A turquoise and silver ring.  It was the only one they had that didn't need resizing, although that wasn't the reason, Emilio could size it on the spot. It just felt destined to be mine.  It's so unique and one of a kind.  It makes me smile to see it. The wide band has the Zia, Buffalo, Bear and Eagle feathers on the band.  For the circle of life, courage and wisdom.  A single dot resides at the very bottom for me - the owner.  And then six silver beads on the side for the six directions north, south, east, west, heaven and earth. 

It seems to speak to where I am heading as a person, on my journey. It feels comforting where it resides on my right index finger connecting it with my heart.

I fell in love with the mounds.  I have only lived her going on 17 years and it was the first time I have visited.  It won't be the last.  I'm excited for Archaeology Days that will be happening on August 3, I cannot wait to visit some of the sites and participate in the activities.  Hubs also joined us as members for our anniversary gift.  Meaning next year we will actually get to participate in a dig.  I'm beside myself with anticipation of that.  I love that he understands me and the things that I am passionate about. Rocks, archaeology, the past, nature, and the forgotten.

I'm fairly certain the 16th anniversary is about rocks and history... if not it should be.  Do I have time to suggest a change to the guidelines before the 26th? Probably needs to stay on my personal list, not sure other's would quite understand.

It was a different weekend than I usually spend.  I can't say chores got done, although I am fairly sure most of the laundry got washed - clean clothes are a bit essential.  Instead it was focused on being.  I didn't make or keep plans.  I dashed around in the sun in my little blue convertible.  I enjoyed healthy, lovely meals with my sweet Hubs, I talked with my kids and some friends that I have seriously been missing. 

The pressures of my life right now are causing me to change.  The universe is encouraging me to slow down, take care of myself and focus.  I have spent a week mourning last Monday.  It hurt my heart.  I was struggling with my own health and spent energy on someone I held dear instead.  I saw a Facebook post yesterday that made the week less painful.  The pressures in their life seem to have broken free and they are smiling and full of joy.

This morning I am sitting here in the semi-silence.  Getting ready to start the day.  Enjoying my coffee from a beautiful hand-crafted mug.  Made by a kind Cherokee Indian from Oklahoma, his story of his craft filled my soul.  He is so talented, I kept his card too... I might need to make a trip to Oklahoma soon. I'm focused on enjoying the memory of the weekend.  On savoring the giggles with the grand baby last night.

I'm also focused on planning for the week ahead.  Focused on my health. I'm learning that when you neglect you, the price is far too high.  I'm waiting for further directions, but so far what I was told to do is having a good impact.  I will keep it up.  Putting myself last has not helped me one bit.

Change is hard.  If you are a rock it is what makes the beautiful striations that alternate colors and textures.  In people I am guessing it defines where we are and who we become.  We definitely only get one go round. 

I'm trying to avoid adding toxins to my life, those are colors I don't need.  I removed hair color long ago, I was concerned I was poisoning my skin.  I rarely use plastics near my foods. Yesterday, I removed my dip polish.  I am learning what my nails feel like natural, odd stuff after years.  I am working on eliminating soda, and drinking tons of water.   Slowly I am working on the other things.  I want my health back. 

I need to feel alive.

I'm going to try to go with the flow.  To let the pressures and stress mold me into something stronger, a beautiful piece of marble.  Not a brittle, soft mica.  Both are beautiful and have their own place.  I am simply choosing to be stronger.

This beautiful morning is supposed to give way to rain and gloom, but after a weekend of rest and being gentle to myself.  Of sitting quietly and being still. I had to choose to not be part of everything I wanted to do, in exchange,

I almost feel human today.  I feel like maybe I can actually participate in life.  Maybe even do a slow dance in the rain...

transforming...

I've always been fascinated with rocks and crystals.  Ever since I was a little girl.  I remember having one of those rock tumbling kits made for kids... I vaguely remember it, what I remember is that it didn't work well. 

My sisters have a very different memory. Evidently it was loud, annoying and they hated it. How do I not remember that part?  Actually whenever I am with my sisters I am reminded of so many things that I simply cannot remember.

Well Hubs decided that I needed a real tumbler.  So he decided to start giving gifts for the 4th of July. Never thought of Independence day as an opportunity to give gifts, but sweet Hubs has decided that it does.

My cheap heart would sigh, it would be frustrated that he is wasting money on me.  Except... I'm still fascinated with rocks and crystals. I might even be addicted to them.  If we go to a store that has semi-precious stones and crystals, you will always find me running my fingers through them marveling at their beauty and feeling the energy that radiates from them.

Saturday night, we put the first batch into the tumbler, beautiful raw semi-precious stones.  They are rough and raw right now. Full of sharp, jagged edges and dull colors.  An assortment of shapes, sizes, and beautiful colors. Amethyst, Laboradorite, Septatarian, Rose Quartz, Green Opal, Girasol Opals, Desert Jasper, Blue Apatite, Red Jasper and Petrified Wood.  All rough, raw, jagged.

It's going to take weeks.  At least that is what the directions say.  Hubs and I get the joy of opening the tumbler once a day. You have to let naturally occurring gasses out every day.  So each evening we will take a peak at our collection.

I guess I should have waited until the second batch to process some of my favorites, but my patience was not going to wait that long.  I put some of my favorites into the first batch.  They were simply too pretty.  I couldn't wait.

Now that the stones are tumbling, it's time to get the beautiful wires that are going to wrap gently around them as I turn them into beautiful necklaces.  Who knows I might even learn to turn them into bracelets. It's a journey that is just beginning.

Because I simply needed another hobby that I have limited time to pursue.  Ahhh... who cares, it involves beautiful semi-precious stones and crystals.  Just the opportunity to watch them transform.

Transformation.

I feel like everything around me is transforming.  It's an internal and external thing right now.  I spend a lot of time watching.  I'm watching people and things changing all around me.

I'm changing.

Just like I don't know the outcome of those beautiful rocks, although I will treasure peeking through the murky water to see the beauty that is emerging. I don't know what the outcome will be for me either.

We are all transforming and each of us is on a different path. It would incredible if we could do a daily check in and see where we all are.  But sadly, I feel humans change at a much slower rate.  We go through the same poundings.  Life is tossing us around and beating us up.  Just like my beautiful rocks.  We aren't in a tumbler moving at an accelerated speed.  The changes don't happen over night.  And the older we get the slower the changes appear to happen.

There is so much going on right now, everywhere. 

And a large part of me is starting to wonder if we haven't somehow managed to be put in a tumbler.  Like some force that we can see is exerting more pressure.  Pushing harder at the seams. Things that used to take forever and were barely noticeable are now constantly front and center.  We are all running faster and faster.

On the news this morning they were talking about the work force.  Talking about how the young people are delaying longer going to work and the older folks are working basically until they wear themselves out.  How did that happen? It sounds like retirement is being enjoyed before earning. 

It struck me as so bizarre.  Have we taken the art of spoiling our children to a whole new level?  I know so many college grads that are not working.  They are taking time to find themselves (wasn't that the point of college?) and working in the food industries is simply beneath them and their multiple degrees. 

I am not sure how we have reached this point.  The struggles are becoming more pronounced. 

Who knows maybe we truly are in a giant tumbler.  It might not look like a little canister that is designed to simply shake us around with varying amounts of grit.  But then again... it's possible that each level we endure and survive takes us that much closer to the beautiful polished humans that we were meant to be all along.

I don't think it's a physical beauty.  I think it is an internal one.  The wrinkles and wisdom that we acquire as we travel our paths. The silvery white strands of hair and the gentle softness our skin takes on.

I don't know, but I do know I cannot wait to see the outcome of those rocks in the tumbler.  In just one day so many of the jagged edges have smoothed.  There are vibrant bits of color already peeking through.  I can see several of them becoming beautiful necklaces that I will not part with.  My imagination is running wild.

In the meantime, I will continue on, so much like life.  Checking in, making sure things stay balanced and ironically hydrated.

Another week starts....

what is it worth...

I read an article yesterday.  It was talking about astrology and the movement of the planets and the effects on people.  Now I definitely believe it.  But the part that resonated with me, was about the current movements and how the planets of communication and action are in powerful alignment right now.  It said words and thoughts without action are just words.

I don't even remotely have an escape plan from the current status of where I am emotionally, mentally, physically.  It isn't there. But my thoughts are definitely swirling.

Yesterday I decided Hubs and I needed a break.  So we stopped.  Put the world on hold, packed a picnic lunch and bottle of wine and off we went.  After a morning of riding in the beautiful fresh air, we opted for four wheels, a dropped top, and air conditioning!

We went down a road that I think we have missed in our travels.  We won't be missing it again. Found an adorable little winery.  Towering shade trees covering the pavilion and picnic tables. A couple of guys playing some really good music.  More to Hubs liking than mine, but definitely an enjoyable few hours. I loved the landscaping and hidden little garden spots. 

Sweet Hubs and I shared a bottle of wine, sat and soaked up the day.  Or maybe got soaked by the day.  This is the Midwest and it's July.  A couple of hours in we decided it was time for a bit more air conditioning - yes I am spoiled.  Continuing down 94 and passing by a few more wineries, we can save those for another lazy summer drive, we decided to turn right. 

Why not.  Augusta sounded like an amazing little hole in the wall.  I did get a few great pictures, it looks charming, adorable and deserted.  Maybe because it was Sunday, I hope so, but the entire town is made up of Bed and Breakfast buildings - that were completely empty and looked actually a bit haunted. 

This town was so precious or could have been.  It fronts the Katy trail and the river, although the river was currently almost to the trail, well past its bank, it only added to the ominous feeling of this little town that time seems to have forgotten. We are going to explore it on a Saturday or if we get time off during the week.  There has to be something going on in that little town blanketed in For Sale signs.

Further down 94 we found lots of water on the road and more spots to return to later, places to explore and things to see...

I guess it's time to start getting ready for the day.  I am working on actionable steps.  Trying to find that mythical balance.  I want time with Hubs, my kiddo's and to simply enjoy life. My boys are getting older by the moment, I want time with them. 

Words without action... what is my price point? 

Still thinking it through...