frustration...

Stupid knee.

Started aching last week again.  So much for feeling confident that it was behind me.

Yesterday it decided to do that balloon act. Swelling from the knee all the way to the toes. So uncharacteristically I went to the docs.  I am not a fan, I was/am terribly busy, and frankly I felt like no good could ever come of it.

Well, as I have been sitting her looking at my toes all day.  Following directions (I know, be shocked, we all know I don't listen to doctors - much less follow directions) leg elevated above my heart, did all the tests - gotta admit the one tech concerned me a bit, I am simply waiting for results.

The doc doesn't want me on it at all, I even suggested crutches, she suggested - NO.  She nicely informed me the amount of swelling in my leg was a pretty good indicator that I was pushing it well past it's limits. It was FINE last week, I was even bragging to the hubs that it was looking so good, hadn't swollen at all in months, almost no pain, able to bend it...

I am at a loss right now.  I simply don't have time for this. Besides, I'm bored.

I know, those aren't two words I usually use.

But usually someone isn't telling me that for my own good I need to just sit still, keep my leg elevated and rest it.

Oh I have projects I could be working on.

I have almost completed all the work I can do from home on my little Chromebook.  Some things I need the stuff at work to complete. The folks I work with have been incredible with helping me by scanning stuff and answering my questions, now I am running out of things I can do without documentation and access to stuff not stored in my memory.

I didn't anticipate being stuck sitting for 5 days when I left work.  Seems this is a very busy time for quality, recommended Orthopedists.  Top it off with the fact that evidently even they get sick.  Now I could get a same day with the Ortho that tried to kill Hubs last year... ummm pretty sure I will pass on that one. So I won't be getting a return to work early form.  In fact if it is a full joint effusion (which was my fear to begin with and evidently is not off of the working list) I can't even get it taken care of until Monday.

I'm pretty sure once I stop pouting I will be much happier.  But right now, I feel I should be able to have some cheese and crackers with my pity party. Maybe even some nice olives. And I would be totally remiss if I left out a nice sweet wine (I truly detest dry wine).  Instead I will sip on my water, forgot to chill the wine or buy cheese and crackers (they weren't on the menu that I was so proud of preparing) and pout.

I need to clean my house, iron my laundry and still take down Christmas.  The winter dust is gathering and I didn't get out to purchase my son a birthday card.  Instead, I'm sitting here basking in the multi-colored glow of Christmas cheer, watch the dust bunnies breeding in the cold winter sunshine, luckily the laundry is upstairs instead of mocking me.

I'm still in that I can't decide phase on projects, so honestly I don't want to work on anything that is handy and "needle ready" (and trust me there is a lot).  My book is up stairs, and I don't feel like climbing them for something that is going to make me sleepy.

On the plus side, sitting like this is helping. The swelling is much better when there is no weight baring anything on it.  The fiery pain is greatly reduced and my toes almost look normal. So I guess I shouldn't be whining.

I want that doc to call me with the x-ray results.  The tech concerned me, he asked me about a dozen times if I had ever broken my leg, if I was sure I hadn't fallen, was I positive my leg had never been damaged. I am not sure how many times you have to reassure someone that you would definitely remember something like that.

Well... I am just going to sit here and wait... maybe drift to sleep for a minute or two... tomorrow will be better.

sipping coffee...

It's been a whirlwind 24 hours.  Just one day ago it was chaos, rushing to walk the boys before the snow that was supposed to fall, cleaning up the car in hopes of selling her, and so much on my to do list, I felt like I was stealing the minutes I took to write.

Fast forward 24 hours... I am sitting here listening to what is probably one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.  It's heart wrenching and a blessing all in one. When I'm Gone.  Recorded a few years ago, video done long before the song became the story of their life.  When I read Rory's words yesterday tears rolled done my face, I understood.  God was taking care of them long before it was needed, knowing he will need this song and the ability to replay it for years to come.

My coffee is steamy and the sun is cresting over the city bright and promising.  Not sure what it is promising though.  As it is bitterly cold.  Hard to believe it was 50 on Friday.  It's a sultry 6 degrees out here in the Valley Park/Manchester area.  Even the boys weren't impressed this morning.  Fastest walk of the winter, who knew that old guy could move that fast?

As I have been sipping my coffee, I've been scrolling through Ravelry, searching for the perfect next pattern. I always hit a strange slump in January.  It might be why I am stalling so badly about taking down the Christmas decorations.  I don't know if I am ready to let the real world back in.  I spend months getting ready for Christmas, I plan, I stitch, knit, crochet, make soaps and salts.  I love nothing more than to give a homemade gift. It means I love you enough to take the time to plan and work on a gift that I pray you will treasure.

When January comes, it's like a vacuum.  At least to my artistic side, it takes me a week or two to get back into the groove.  Some of that is that I also look at January as a clean slate, just like I do with September. They have always been my natural reset points.  January is the biggest on the personal side.  It's where I sit down and take account of where I am, and where I want to be on December 31.  It's where I naturally start the things that have been stewing in my brain during all those peaceful hours of thought while my fingers are working on all of the gifts I love making.  I am afraid that I sometimes terrify myself with the goals I set.

September is much more low key, and I am sure it echo's back to when my kids were small and heading back to school.  It's when I always focus in on home and hearth.  I like to do fall cleaning, who cares about spring cleaning?  I just detailed the house in January.  Besides, when they were little there was a lot of summer fun that needed to be removed to get us ready for my favorite stretch of time fall and the holidays! It's also when I get my brain wrapped up in the upcoming gifting season.

So today finds me looking around sadly.  In this bright sunshine today the house will lose it's sparkle and glitter of the holidays.  It will be cleaned and polished for the coming year.  It was the game plan yesterday, I planned to remove all the decorations, make a menu for the week, do my weekly shopping, etc.

Instead, we sold my Emily.  Yep, I cried like a little baby.  Stupid, sure.  But it wasn't just a car, it represented the kind of love my Hubs shows me every day.  He bought it for me, because it made me happy.  It made me smile.  My favorite picture is my sweet Grand baby standing behind the wheel on her first birthday, the day I brought it home. I know it was the best thing we could do, and the young man that took her home is going to love and cherish her and drive her.  Hubs and I went to look at a car, and after a few hiccups (yeah, lets go with that) we found the perfect little second car at an unbelievable price.  Now neither of us will be stranded or forced to work long days sacrificing our quality of life nor having to borrow from my girl and potentially messing up her plans.

We went out to dinner with the girl and kids, it was the perfect ending to a day that didn't go at all as planned.  As I sat soaking in my big old tub filled with steamy water and the  lavender scented body detox I made, trying to get this silly knee to feel better, I felt surrounded with contentment and love.  I felt perfectly happy.

My life isn't perfect, I have the same stresses, worries, fears as everyone else.  There are many days that are too long and many dreams that are sometimes delayed for far too long. I simply choose to live in my silver lining.  I am blessed with a Hubby that I love and cherish, and he loves me back just as much.  Children and Grand children that I could not even imagine my life without.  They are my heart.  Even when far away the hugs when they are close are enough to carry me through until the next one.

Are you living in your silver lining? What is it?

It's the mid-west after all...

9 am yucky rain

Hubsters and I have been busy this morning!  Thought I would slow down for a minute and drink my smoothie and maybe type a bit.

Last weekend we were both fighting the crud, weather forecast said sunny, dry and near 50 today, so no worries we will take it down on the following Saturday.  No worries, no stress, perfect plan. Maybe it is time to remind myself that we live in the mid-west, and a weather forecast of only a day is a crap shoot.

Before day break we were rushing to take the boys for their walk - before they got soaked with some seriously cold rain - yep, we were not successful.  And the Gator does not like his old bones to be cold or wet.

Then rushing around to take down the outside decorations before the possible 2 - 4 inches of snow hits us after noon when the temps decide to drop dramatically. I did not want to be trying to take it all down in that kind of mess.

Soaking wet, freezing cold, and fingers slowly thawing out, the front of the house doesn't look like the holiday ever happened.   Although I did leave the sled and snowman sign up.  After all, they are predicting snow.

Hubs also worked on the Merc, we are selling the Divine Ms. Em... She's beautiful, I love her, but truth is Hubs hasn't been up to working on her for years now, so she sits and gathers dust in between her occasional baths and starts.  Not fair for that beautiful gal to be sitting, rotting.  I'm her second owner, she deserves better than two old ladies owning her.  

Besides we need two functioning cars.  These long days are kicking our bums.  Living so far from work now, it's not even feasible to come home when one of us has to be in early or stay late. It limits opportunities and causes stress we simply don't need or want.

Hubs is outside with the young man and his dad that are interested in buying her.  I've chosen to stay out of it.  I know it's the right decision, but it's still an emotional one.  After all, Hubs bought her for me on the grand baby's first birthday!  The young man looks like he would be a good owner for her.  I am someone that goes on emotion and feelings.  To see his face as he looked at her when I took the keys out there, he wasn't seeing her age and few flaws, he was seeing her potential and beauty.  We'll see... She might have a new home very soon...

I'd just gotten up for a cup of coffee as they arrived.  They were pulling up front as I looked out the back window and realized that yet again the weathermen might possibly need a new crystal ball.  The rain was supposed to go steady until after noon.  It's not even 10 and big fluffy snowflakes are already starting to fall. I am not sure we will get any accumulation, but I am going to enjoy hanging by the fireplace watching them fall.

Okay... so reevaluation of the weather again... Seems the weatherman that said to watch for hamster sized snow flakes was not exaggerating!  These things are huge!  Almost a full snow ball size.  I do believe it might accumulate.  Unbelievable!

It's been a busy week, and I am still trying to find my groove to get back to writing, my goal is to get back to daily.  It might take a bit, but I am working towards that goal.

Butternut Ginger Soup anyone?

I am working towards a lot of goals.  I feel like the first week of any changes are always the hardest. And we made it through week one with most of our new goals intact.  I didn't write everyday, but we didn't eat out once until last night.  When we went out for a delayed Christmas party (December got too busy and crazy). And it was the most amazing seafood I have had in the mid-west, fresh daily, and just downright amazing! A solid week of home cooked meals.  It's been a long time since that has happened.  I have taken steps towards some serious professional goals, and almost completed one wrister.  Need a set of double points in the right size, that magic loop thing seriously does not work on thumbs.

Well the snow is rapidly covering things, so I need to run out for more fruits, veggies and weekly supplies before the snow makes doing that not fun. In the thirty minutes since it started snowing it's already starting to accumulate... And I went for a walk in a windbreaker yesterday... gotta love the mid-west!

Everyone stay safe and warm...

Progress made...

My Friday Flowers... he loves me!

Coffee, check

Puffs, check

Throat lozenges... check...

So... it might appear that the reason I was so sluggish yesterday had more to do with the fact that I might be trying to get a cold, than with me being overwhelmed.

I can base this assumption on two pretty easy to recognize facts.

The first - I feel just plain gross! Watery, burning eyes, stuffy nose, sore throat - lets hope its really just a minor bout with allergies shall we?

The second - yesterday was incredibly productive!  At least until I started feeling like a truck ran me over.

I was all set to get ready for church with Hubs this morning when he pointed out my fellow parishioners might not appreciate the new year gift of a cold as he drew a steamy tub with eucalyptus and menthol in it. So diced up oranges, a big glass of tomato juice (okay so it was really a bloody mary, why suffer needlessly?) and a long soak in the tub and I finally feel semi- human.   Eyes are still blurry and energy level is a tad non-existent.

Talk about rotten timing. Tomorrow I go back to work and need to be at my best.  Might be time to break out the OJ.

Okay, enough whining!  It isn't helping in the least anyhow. I say lets celebrate some victories!

After bemoaning my inability to get anything done yesterday, I decided to buckle down and just do it (anyone else remember when that was Nike's tag line?).  As my kitchen island was covered with supplies for deodorant, bath soaks and some soap supplies it only made sense that was the logical place to start.

Deodorant ingredients

Chromebook open to recipe, ingredients at hand I decided to start with deodorant.  If you have never worked with shea butter (and I haven't) let me warn you now, its not only waxy, it's sticky.  Massive quantities of boiling water were required for clean up.

Melting the fats

Deodorant is surprisingly easy to make, and as Hubs is graciously willing to be a guinea pig for me also, we shall soon see how well it works.  One of our focus areas this year is to eliminate the massive amount of chemicals that seem to be in everything anymore.  If we can't pronounce it, know what it is, or it isn't safe to use in our cooking, it probably does not need to be in or on our bodies.

Cooling

This year is about detoxing! Luckily the lavender scent I selected is very faint so Hub's isn't going to walk around smelling like a flower.  I probably could have gone with a more neutral scent.  Next time.  I also need to start sourcing shea butter. I was lucky enough with all the natural markets around to find all the ingredients I didn't have on hand, but the shea butter was a bit too pricey locally to make this a cost effective endeavor.

Deodorant

Most of the recipes I found are incredibly similar, the one I chose to use was from the Live Simply Blog DIY - Homemade Deodorant with Lavender, just in case anyone wants to try it out.  While that mess in the bowl was melting down I took advantage of the time to whip up a lavender detox bath soak.  Again there area  ton of recipes, all basically the same.  That took minutes.  And if I hadn't needed something to clear my head I surely would have given it a try this morning.

I used a very basic mixture of 4 cups Epsom Salts, 4 cups baking soda, 20 drops of lavender essential oils and a handful of dried lavender flowers.  Mix it up, store it in glass jars and use 1 to 2 cups per bath (1/2 cup for kiddo's).

Salt and Soda

oil and flowers

Lavender Detox Bath

I might be on a bit of lavender kick... nah, truthfully it is a scent that I have always enjoyed.  For me it is calming. I will admit that I have discovered that soaking in epsom salts has made a huge difference in my health and I fully credit it for my knee doing so much better.

As that was all finishing up, I got busy playing with one of my new toys.  Hubs spoiled me rotten for Christmas, he shouldn't have, but I am so not complaining! (He says since he couldn't remember last Christmas he got to make up for it this year.) I am cheap, I completely admit it and own it. Proudly! There might be many things on my wish list, but I will rarely spend money on one.  One of the things that has been on there the longest is a high quality pressure cooker.  And NO I will never buy one used, I have heard too many horror stories.  Well that sweet man bought me one!  A really, really, really nice one.  In fact, there are two of them.

I love to cook.  And I far prefer to eat at home than ever eating out, but that little time factor always gets to me. I come home from work tired, I don't want to wait an hour or more for dinner. And while the crockpot is sometimes a viable option, my work schedule is very fluid, I don't work a set 8 hour day and with a total commute time of more than an hour, it makes it hard to find meals that want to cook for 12 hours.  Beans can only be eaten so much before you hate them.

Orange glazed candied sweet potatoes with our Honey Baked Ham

Close up of those potatoes... 10 minutes well spent!

Asian Chicken with home made root beer

And truth be told, my primary reason for never getting a pressure cooker is because I only wanted it to do my canning, and I haven't been doing much of that lately. Sure seemed like a lot of money to spend on something I rarely would use.

I have to share a secret... I am in LOVE with my new pressure cookers!  I never knew that you could use it for so many things. Or that actually prepping a meal would take longer than cooking it.  Or that it would taste so good!  I am getting ready to cook a butternut ginger soup for lunch.  I can't believe that in less than 30 minutes we will have something so tasty, nutritious and that doesn't have all the added chemicals in it.  I am going to be doing a lot more cooking at home!  Score another point for those 2016 goals.

I am not so sure he got it just for me.  As he's enjoying it as much as I am, he also got me a soda stream - love it!

I ended the day by finishing up the repairs on that one quilt.  I just took it out of the wash, I am actually hoping that is the reason that I am stuffed up and feeling puny (it had been stored for a bit) and I am highly susceptible to the molds and dust of time.  I can't wait to deliver it.  I felt the love the maker had for the one she made it for as I repaired those blocks.  Lots of loving has caused it to be worn and a bit tattered.  I even had to create a piece to fill a hole when on block had been lost along the way.  It is now solid, if a bit thread bare.  Sadly I cannot turn back the hands of time to restore it to brand new, but who would want to?  Who would want to remove the years of love and comfort?

bit by bit, stitch by stitch

Today will be slower, today will involve some resting and lots of fresh fruits and veggies.  I still need to be at the top of my game tomorrow, even if I don't feel up to it.

the battle begins...

Those of you that know me well, know that I am a bit "odd" (yep I'm really okay with that terminology). I have very diverse hobby's and find joy in sometimes very odd things.

Today, there is a battle going on.

My inner alchemist is screaming for release.  I bought all the supplies to make some soaps, my own deodorant, bath soak and I have yet to complete the sunscreen (it's been on the drawing board for almost two years now). The counter is cleared and I have finally found all the supplies and materials.  It's peaceful and I have the time.

My inner seamstress is dying to set her fingers to several projects.  One will resurrect the past for someone, the other will bring precious memories alive forever to another.  All the supplies are there, and I have time.

I have two different pairs of wristers partially completed, a sweater that has been waiting for two winters now, and some beautiful sock yarn that is beckoning me every time I sit down, peeking softly, teasingly from the yarn bin across from where I sit typing.

I "should" take down my Christmas decorations, remove the festivities and return to normal.  I know I "should".  After all it is January, and well... work does get a bit busy with all those resolutions.  I have no commitments today, I have the time.

Then there is that pesky little voice inside my head, the one that struggles all the time to keep me on track, focused, moving forward.  That little voice feels like a kettle drum in my head, it's screaming at me to spend some time making lists, planning things out, getting them written down.  A budget for the year, a monthly menu, my craft goals, my health goals, my home making goals.  I can almost hear the pencil scratching on the paper as I type.  It's reminding me to write down the addresses of everyone so I can remember to send Christmas Cards (like that seriously happens - this years are still in the box with the list and stamps sitting on top of them).  It's nearly bellowing that I need to write down my 2016 goals - to remind me.

I also want to go through the closets for gently used clothes, shoes etc.  Several schools are collecting for the people that have suffered so much from the flooding.  I feel it would be good.  It would make a difference.

The thing is...

I rarely have these days, these moments of silence with nothing pressing on the schedule.  Normally my days off are filled to capacity, the must do's taking priority, followed immediately by the should do's and both always out weighing the wanna do's.

I feel frozen.

I am sitting here, reflecting, relaxing and seriously contemplating the unheard of... a nap!

And it isn't that I haven't already been pampered today, I have.  Hubs and I watched the newest episode of Sherlock - FYI - you really shouldn't have to wait over a year to find out what happens next.

We tidied the kitchen and removed some items for the thrift shop.  And I only got distracted by the cute little squirrel munching on the oats we set out a few times. Of course that is one of the reason that voice is yelling in my brain.  Feels I should also organize the pantry.  Seriously, has it not yet realized that I do NOT suffer from OCD? You would think it had after residing inside my brain for over 50 years.

And then Hubs spoiled me a bit more with a hot soak designed to ease the pains that sometimes builds up (I might still be holding a grudge against that tick - 19 years later). Hot tub, hot tea, the last of the season's carols and a candle burning.  Pretty sure it couldn't get better.

Am I frozen because I am simply one person?  Too many decisions?  Too many wanna's without the must do's to balance it out? Bills paid, laundry done (although I do still need to iron), dinner hours away...

I have a challenge with priorities.  You see all of my wanna's tie into my goals for 2016.  And I have learned that when I don't write things down, I don't achieve things.  As you can tell I am easily distracted.

I have already determined that 2016 is going to be a selfish year for me.  I need to focus on me.  Not that Hubs or the kiddo's aren't going to be important, or thrown to the wayside.  But I really do need to get back to basic's.

This year I am going to try very hard to not let life distract me, but to live it to the fullest.  Put those wanna's at the top of the list, not the if I can squeeze it in.  I have had a bit of a head start on it in 2015.  Hubs and I have been weeding out stuff that was filling up bits.  Things we were holding on to, well... because (doesn't everyone do that?)...

This is the year that things that are important to me, become truly important.  Some are professional, many more are personal.

It sounds so passe' to say that I want to lose weight.  While that is an added benefit, mostly I want to be true to myself.  I don't like to eat things that have a list of ingredients, I want to eat the real ingredients, but often I do just the opposite, time is short and I haven't planned.  In the end, it's an unhealthy, usually over priced, under flavored bit of something and I call it dinner.  Then I wonder why I feel sluggish and run down.  Why too many times I can't find an outfit that is flattering or even tasteful.  Although, truth is, even thin - I am a jeans and t-shirt/sweatshirt kind of gal.

When we moved and I cleaned out my old sewing room, I unearthed a ton of projects, sitting there dejected and unfinished.  Time had gotten away from me, I got busy with the must and should do's.  I am starting to see a theme here.

Without a list, without a plan, something in writing that I can look at I don't function well.   Even my precious blog took a back seat.  I allow life to lift me up and drag me along, like a rudderless ship.

Guess I sort of answered my own questions huh?  I think that I shall start on my soap and deodorant while I type up my list.  I will have time while they cook and who knows... I might even have time to get some of that stitching done too!  It's only 1:25 pm... the day is young...

Who knows what pictures I will share tomorrow... ready, set, GO!

Welcome 2016...

Last sunset 2015

I started to write yesterday, I started to plan an ode to 2015.  I heard it in my head and heart while I was out in the newly bitter cold walking the boys (I'd decided to let the Hubster sleep in - he's been battling bronchitis for a few weeks now and was soundly resting finally).

2015 was definitely a year for the books.  One that I will remember probably forever.  It was at time bleak, rocky, earth shattering, stressful, unrelenting, worrisome, hostile and many other unpleasant things.  But tucked into the edges, or maybe wrapped about the pain was the silver lining.  Things so bright and wonderful that they were almost impossible for me to grasp and hold. Yes, I am an optimist, I strive to see the bright and beautiful in all things.  That doesn't mean I always succeed.

It was a year that tested everything about me.  Former President Nixon once said the strongest steel has been put through the hottest fires.  I am fairly sure that 2015 was a year of fires for me, and that I am now very close to being very hardened.

can you see the bright spot?

I didn't know if mentally or emotionally I could survive it.  I don't know if I would have without prayer, family and friends.  There are a few relationships that fell away during this year, it's hard when you discover that sometimes you have to walk away from things.  It's been a while since I was faced with those types of choices, but once the decision was made, it felt like the weight of the world was lifted.

2015 saw Hubs battle so much.  The hip replacement from late 2014 was bad, very bad.  It would be halfway through 2015 before we found Dr. Leo Whiteside, just before it was too late. I am the first one to admit there is a solid reason that I am not in anyway connected to the medical field.  I simply am not that kind of person, blood, medications, stitches, needles... Heck you barely see me willing to go to my own doctor.

Yet for months I somehow managed to be his nurse, while he battled to live. Just for the record, staph is a nasty thing.  It's insidious and horrid.  I can't imagine what it was doing internally, I know what it was doing externally.  I know, I was there.  Doc wasn't sure he could find a solution, thankfully, he did.

January through July were a blur, filled with doctors, medications, exhaustion, fear.  It wasn't just health worries because it all ties together. It was fear of health, life, death, addictions, career loss, time, juggling, struggling, financial, it was simply so many things...

I allowed myself to get worn down, So much couldn't and didn't happen.  There was nothing left for me to give.  I had injured myself trying to be everything for both of us.  Trying to not let anyone down.  The doctors where wanting to cut open my knee - seriously like that could really happen with all I was already dealing with?

Around April career things at least for me were brightening... I had been awarded the CJ Banks award, I can honestly say that was one of the most surreal and treasured moments of my life.  To say it was unexpected would be one of the biggest understatements ever.  I was so thankful that Hubs was able to be there that night, it was just before the infection tried to finally take him from me.  I was also promoted at work.  Those two things were seriously a professional tipping point for me.

On June 30th, with one of my sweet B's there keeping me sane, Doc worked a miracle.  I could see a huge difference in Hubs almost immediately after that long grueling surgery.  I could see with my own eyes that he was going to heal.  We'd been warned it would be long, arduous, painful, that he would have to go backwards before he could go forward.

We were ready, for the worst.

The worst didn't come.  Hubs is doing wonderful!  In fact I never knew he didn't really walk without a slight limp.  And last night as 2015 was coming to a close and he was being silly and dancing around the house, the sparkle in those blues, the laughter lines totally wiping away the first half of the year, I couldn't have been more thankful! Not only did I not lose him, I was gifted with a new and improved version of him!  It's odd the way we accept things going wrong physically, thinking it is part of aging, when well... that is not really the case.  He jokingly calls it his "franken hip".  I call it a miracle.

He has gifted me with many wonderful things this year...

A 50th birthday bash, that I didn't want, and am so thankful for!  Between him, my kiddo's and my dearest friends.  I finally got to meet my son's girlfriend, my friends that I only got to talk to on Facebook came to me, I was able to reaffirm one of my dearest friendships with my sister by heart.  My entire immediate family with the exception of a few were here.  It was beyond my wildest dreams.  In all of the chaos and fun we never even managed to take a picture.  But I don't need film that will fade, I have them stored forever in my heart where they are safe.

Shortly there after I was able to fly out to the coast and enjoy my boy and his girl for 7 glorious days in the sunshine of southern Cali.  Long walks on the beach, crowds, ocean views, light houses, laughter, and love. It was a perfect salve to start healing my exhaustion.

Back home, stealing minutes with my girl and grand baby, hubby healing... The final months of 2015 are a rapidly moving collage of memories, laughter and life returning to a new normal.  We finally unpacked most of our stuff, finished furniture, and even hung Christmas lights.

We were able to bring the kids (as they are only in their early 20's I can still call them kids) home for the holidays.  We were able to go to Wild Lights and do all the Christmas stuff we missed last year.  We were able to enjoy lights, love and laughter with the boy, the girl and all the loved ones connected to each of them.

My heart has reset.

2016 has a different feeling.  It feels fresh, welcoming, like the spring after a long bitter winter.  I am excited for it, I can't really put it into words.  It just feels... different...

I normally shun resolutions, as for me they are usually simply me setting myself up for failure.  And I am not sure I am willing to call the thoughts and feelings that have been flitting in and out of my brain for a few months now resolutions.

Maybe it is more revelations.  Maybe, after all those fires burned away the cobwebs, I am able to see and feel more clearly.  I feel focused and ready.  This is unusual for me. It is new.

I am not sure I am ready to lay out the changes I have planned for 2016 yet, they may need a bit more time to cook and ferment in my brain.  Heck, I may just need a bit of time to adjust to actually having a solid plan, for most areas of my life.  My gypsy self, is usually less focused.  This is odd.

Today with the sunrise a new book started, a new chapter, full of hopes and dreams.  I know there will be struggles and heart aches.  That is what makes life rich and rewarding.

Welcome 2016... Lets get this started!!

random...

It's been a series of foggy mornings.  It eventually burns off, eventually the sun breaks through and it's been crisp and clear.  At least until the sun sets way too early.  I absolutely hate time changes.  I do not like to spring forward, and I hate falling back.  You just get used to one or the other and boom... it's too dark in the morning and even darker at night.

It simply isn't natural!

And I honestly thought last night was going to send me off the deep end.  My body does not accept changes in routine too readily and I worked until 9, on top of a time change.  Whew that drive home was brutal, living 35 minutes from work makes for quite a drive. It normally wouldn't have affected me so much, but that darn time switch.

This morning started fresh and new.  I felt so much better after a nice long nights sleep.  I had a great time working last night, I met so many great folks and had some incredible conversations.  I am looking forward to tonight, who know's who I will meet or what I will learn.

I started today with a foggy walk with my boys, then some serious loving time with my grand dog - I am dog and kitty sitting while my girl is celebrating the KC Royals... I won't consider her a traitor, because it's not really her thing, it's more for her honey.

Then one of my favorite stores opened in town.  Fresh Thyme is new in town.  It's a nice mix of Whole Foods quality with Trader Joe prices.  I am struggling with all the chemicals being added to so much of the food we buy.  I am a bit freaked out by the fact that when I went to buy milk the other day the expiration date was January 5, 2016.  I doubt it was a typo, as all of the bottles were marked that way.

I was listening to a radio program the other day, I only heard a bit of it.  It was what I heard that keeps sticking in my brain.  It was asking why American's as a whole are heavier today than 30 years ago, when they are eating "healthier" and working out more.  It was the healthier that concerned me.  I keep seeing flashes in my mind of a meme that I saw not too long ago, "the problem with the American diet is that we are eating too many food like products".

maybe I need to be more like him

I am trying really hard to remove the chemicals from our diets and our lives.  I am looking for places to get farm raised eggs and fresh milk.  I have already found that I do best when I only eat breads that I have baked or that have been baked at a local bakery.

Maybe small changes will equal big differences in the future.  I am afraid of how many chemicals we mindlessly consume.  I wonder about so many things anymore.  And I often wonder how much of it is really good for us.

I guess I am evolving.  I hope I am.

Maybe it's all the walks in the fog that are changing my perspective on many things. Or maybe it's just growing up...

We missed the northern lights, it was too foggy.

But a bit of fog might clear the mind.