As my alarm jarred me awake at 4 am my exhausted groggy mind struggled to understand WHY I had not reset it last night when I came home from work at about 8 pm. What in the world was I thinking or rather not thinking. These six hour nights are kicking my bum. As I slowly awakened, Hubs trying to ease me awake as the BBC was chattering on about all the gloom and doom that seems to the mantra of the media, I remembered that Hubs had to be into work early today. And our schedules haven't really allowed us to have much time together. I wanted to see him, talk with him, have breakfast together....
It has been an incredibly emotionally involved few weeks. Not so much physically draining. And not even really draining at all. More like all emotions, on all sides of the spectrum have been running at full force.
In the past three weeks I have seen people at their worst, people at their best. I have found a higher level of respect for some and lost it for others. I have comforted the heart broken, dried tears, celebrated and rejoiced. I have been able to encourage others while being encouraged myself and I have been discouraged.
It's been a roller coaster. On Wednesday I participated in an event that made me feel frustrated and borderline angry. I had to witness and endure people at their worst, in both my professional and personl lives. Angry, abusive, out of control. People not willing to accept their own role or responsibility in events and situations that were occuring. It was tiresome. Draining. I hadn't had time to prepare for the initial onslaught, having not been able to find time to walk in the morning (my own defense mechanism) so as the day wore on and different things presented themselves each one a bit more off the chart of what to expect from decent human beings. I was feeling worn.
Yesterday presented a totally different view of humanity. It presented polite discussions, heart felt commentary. It wasn't about anger or denial. It was about personal loss. It was about soul bearing and things that cannot be measured. There is not metric to accomplish that.
Probably the worst part for me, was watching someone with passion in their conviction (right or wrong) slowly start to realize that maybe the narrative wasn't what was presented. Maybe facts had been skewed... maybe the conviction was flawed. Still fighting to hold on to that conviction, not ready to back down, but watching them break. I've known them for a long time, I've seen their pride almost destroy them more than once. To watch the arrogant, self confident smile fade, to see the slight quiver in the lip. It ripped my heart out. I don't have to ever agree with anyone to love and respect them, to have an instinctual need to comfort them. It's not how I am.
Yesterday was emotional. Yesterday was powerful. It opened my eyes to a lot of things. Made me question myself, made me question others. It made me sad, nostalgic and angry. Ironic that it made me angry. It made me want to scream. Knowing the darkness that had happened was years in the making. Hearing others voice it. Suddenly realizing that I was not alone in understanding so much.
As I climbed the stairs to go to bed last night, I was feeling that I didn't have any more hugs to give, no more tears to dry, no energy for anything. Thanking God that I had taken time for myself yesterday morning. Time to put on armor, time spent in prayer and reflection. I needed it.
This morning, as my mind was screaming just another hour of sleep, as I woke up to spend a few treasured minutes with Hubs I was slightly more optimistic.
Poor Hubs is dealing with serious building issues and has been busy walking, working, climbing and doing physically draining work. His sense of responsibility might be the death of him some day.
So as he hurried off to work, I dropped the grandson off at home. He's spent the last couple of nights with us and it's been nice having him around. When I got home I was trying to convince myself to go walk (trust me that bed was beaconing, I have to work late again tonight). I fixed my water cup, then sat down with my coffee. I even tried distracting myself painted my nails, surfed the net, sipped SLOWLY on the coffee... yet the guilt factor, that inner voice was scolding me.
As I slowly considered where to walk. Heading outside, inside, picking up my phone, putting it down. I finally grabbed the car keys and forced myself to go.
Hard to believe that it was just July 12, just over a month ago, that I was very firm in my answer at our first YDPP meeting I would not be going for any 30 minute walks in the heat, if at all. I was grouchy I had joined (even if it was to make Hubs happy). I was definitely not feeling any desire to walk.
And yet here I sit, cooling down, hot and sweaty (gross) feet slightly burning, knee not altogether pleased, feeling accomplished and proud. In just over a month I've gone from not gonna happen to not gonna let myself miss it.
I went to a new park this morning, on my never ending quest for peace and beauty while walking. I wasn't sure what to expect, after all this one is tucked into a little valley right off a major highway and busy major road - not the best combination for peace and quiet as is demonstrated by the park I usually walk at and it's only one a busy road.
As I walked down the slight hill to the heart of this new park, I felt I was heading into another world. The noise receeded, just like it does at my house.
There were beautiful gardens, bridges over two ponds stocked with beautiful koi. Trees, flowers, greenery, birds, squirrels, chipmunk and deer were plentiful. The water fall was small and man made, but the soft flowing water only added to the beauty. Gazebos, picnic tables, little tucked away spots for quiet time, benches for sitting peacefully. There were hardly any people, mostly a few older people, walking older dogs, stopping to snap pictures and enjoy the beauty. It isn't a huge park, but multiple walks around the ponds in a figure eight was not exactly hard to take.
As I silently walked, absorbing the beauty, reflecting, thinking. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes, who knows offering comfort to someone might have been one. But I am who I am. God didn't make me perfect. I feel peace knowing that I do my best and will continue to do that. I needed that beauty to steel my heart.
There are a few leaves starting to fall, even though it is only August. There is change in the air every where I turn. I'm okay with change.
I'm ready for what today brings. I'm proud of my accomplishments. And I am thankful that no matter what God has continued to bless me with compassion and love.