Saturday, November 8, 2014

it's about perspective...

What a week it's been...

Actually what a month or year would be better put...

It's quiet in the house right now, the boys and I just got back from walking and I am savoring my coffee before the busy schedule of the day starts.

I'm tired.  Not physically, that isn't what is wearing on me.  I am mentally and emotionally tired.

2014 has really been a year full of challenges and trials.  And they have been balanced out by extreme blessings and prayers answered.  The mix has me so worn out from the emotional roller coaster that I can't even see straight.

Monday was supposed to finally get things back on track.  After literally months of extreme pain and almost helplessness, they were supposed to be able to get Hubby not hurting again.  After so much, the doctor assured him that drawing out fluid and a cortisone shot into that hip would have him moving much easier. Able to fully participate in life and not just be a pain ridden bystander that was existing on pain medication. Feeling useless and refusing to believe that sitting down and resting instead of forcing himself to help was really okay.

All of that was supposed to end.

Monday didn't quite go as planned.  Seems that in the rush to read the MRI's so they could treat the pain, in the initial look they'd missed something.  They'd determined he has severe osteoarthritis but that it was super early and with treatment, physical therapy and some weight loss to take the pressure off his joints he was years away from a hip replacement.  That was Thursday.

Monday... brought a different story.  By Monday they'd had time to really look at those MRI's study them and get second opinions.  The doctor at the pain management center hated telling Hubs that there was very little he could do for him.  Monday they drew the fluid, gave him the shot and hoped for the best. Monday they told him that years away was a pipe dream, that the deterioration is severe.  And the only solution is replacement.

The best didn't happen.  We go this Monday to meet with the surgeon that will ultimately replace his hip. We don't know how soon, or how long.  We do know that the pain he is in is horrible and unrelenting.  There are days that the stairs in this beautiful home are his worst nightmare.

And I'm just tired.

The stress of it all is wearing on me.  No one wants their loved ones hurting.  No one likes feeling helpless. We are still trying to finish getting settled.  I am only one person.  His ability to help right now is minimal at best.

a get well picture for Grampa

I am celebrating the little accomplishments.  Trying to finish one room at a time.  I keep running into road blocks.  I am frustrated.

I know I am not the only person that struggles with life.  I just want a minute to vent, to sort it all out and start over.

Last night, I should have been working on the house.  I have so many things that I need to finish and my exhausting level isn't allowing it.  I am struggling to keep my own health demons at bay.

My heart and soul were filled with joy last night.  I didn't work on my house.  I reveled in the reason I moved.  My grandson has a bad cold, I offered to make chicken noodle soup, you know that cures everything right?  Initially my daughter said no, but asking him, he wanted it.

I'd already made dinner for Hubs, and we'd enjoyed it in our beautiful dining room.  He'd gotten up to come and eat and helped me make the soup before heading back up to bed.

The smile on his face, on all their faces when Gramma showed up with a big pot of chicken noodle soup, it made the world right.  It made me feel fulfilled and happy.

At my very core I am a nurturer.  I want to take care of my family and loved ones.  I want this more than anything else.

As I walked the boys this morning, I got brave and took them both at the same time, I had time to think and enjoy the beautiful early fall morning.  A soft breeze was blowing, wispy clouds were chasing the stars.   I am finding I am adapting how I do things, because I have to.  In the silence I sent up a prayer to God, a soft request.  I am good with challenges, God doesn't give us anything we can't handle, but Lord can 2015 be a bit heavier on the happy times and a bit lighter on the sad, stressful, challenging ones?