Red and Yellow, Black and White...

I haven't written.  I haven't been able to.  Too many thoughts are all tangled up in my head and heart.  Not to mention that my body is weary.  Taking care of the Hubby is taxing it as hard as everything else is taxing my mind and heart.

Hubs is doing well, he is still wobbly and in pain, which is to be expected when they move that many muscles and replace joints.  I am sure of it.  He's trying so hard to be independent, hating that he has to rely on me so much.  He's managed the stairs a few times and is standing for brief minutes solely on his own.  He's trying so hard not to be bed ridden and care dependent.  The reality is, that it isn't time for that yet.  Last night was the first time in a week that I have had a full nights sleep.  He didn't need to wake me to change the sheets because the bed was soaked from night sweats or to help him to the bathroom and back in bed.  He's making progress.

He's napping now, when he wakes up we will work on his therapy and then start the process of helping him get cleaned up for the day.  He'd kill for a shower, but that is evidently at least another week away.  A sponge bath just really does not compare, despite what anyone might think.  He wants a shave too, but standing for that long would not be pleasant right now.  Soon...

Thanksgiving was a very tiring and stressful day.  I had much to be thankful for, the nurse, the physical therapist and my eldest for starters.  We hadn't expected the nurse or PT until Friday, and were pleasantly surprised when they called and asked if they could come on Thanksgiving.  We left the hospital woefully unprepared for what waited for us at home.  They gave us a list of don'ts but forgot to give us any do's.... when you've never dealt with a joint replacement, that is hard to work with.

Between the three of them our hearts and home were put in order.  They gave us simple directions and tricks to make things easier, to help us with day to day until the OT could come this coming week.  The girl put her family aside for a bit and came to help me cook and clean to ready our home for Thanksgiving dinner. It was wonderful.

As usual things didn't turn out the way expected, do they ever?  But the girl and the grands were all here and ready to eat on time.  With smiles at the pies they love and happiness at being together, it was wonderful. Hubs even made it down stairs and to the table to join us all.  He'd managed to stay upright for three hours, mostly I think he was waiting for his youngest two, sadly he was wiped out by the time they arrived and only spent minutes with them.  It happens.

Through all of this, I have been cautiously watching the news, listening to hear what is going on.  I'd waiting on Wednesday to go to the hospital, there was a shooter in a car one exit down from mine on the route I had to take.  I wasn't worried about the shooter, more so the traffic jam it no doubt created.  I have been sadly listening to the news since Monday.

I can't say I am proud of what is happening in my adopted city.  Nor can I say it has anything to do with a young man breaking the law being shot by a young cop doing his job. This happens daily all over the country. Too many lives have been changed.  Black Friday was made into a debacle, yesterday another one, and who knows what today is going to hold.

My heart broke when I spoke to my dear B - to hear that the shop that people she loves had created for their community had been looted and vandalized.  I was so hurt and angry for them.  These are good people, people that take care of their neighbors, that give to their community and help build it up.  To strengthen it. To hear her softly say that it is embarrassing, that she is ashamed of her race.  I almost threw up, my stomach was coiling and my heart breaking.

It is nothing for her to feel shame about.  It is nothing for her to bear any embarrassment over.  The reality is we all need to feel that shame for the people that are being so horrible and hurtful.  And we are all part of the human race, the skin tone does not define any of us.

The people that are using this as some type of an excuse, they are inexcusable.  What are you hoping to prove?  Seriously... What?

The media is helping perpetuate a lie, living here the story is different.  What the national and international stage are seeing is not the same.  Just what is your point?  I am tired of hearing about "white privilege", about "not understanding what it's like to be black", about "inequality", about "being held down"... I am really tired of all of it.

Here are a few facts, at least from my point of view...

White privilege = nothing... everyone has the ability to succeed or fail.  It doesn't matter the color of your skin or your nationality.  Will it be harder for some, absolutely.  Will it be worth the fight, absolutely. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.  Generations of my family have worked hard to get where we are. Some successful, some not so much.  We've all had ups and downs.  There have been many times I could have given up, played the government welfare game and probably come out ahead of where I am.  I didn't. Because that isn't how I was raised.  I was raised to hold my head high and respect myself.  Regardless of where I was in life.  No one, and I mean NO ONE, gave me a pass for being white.

Not understanding being black = irrational stupidity!  Sorry, but none of us truly understands what it is like to be anyone but ourselves.  And many of us struggle just understanding that.  This is brain washing in the extreme.  If you look at it a different way, honestly being black comes with so much "guilt" attached to it, that many things are given needlessly.  I assure you that if there were a Ivory channel, a white history month, a national society for white people, a national Caucasian caucus in Congress or anything else or any other "race", i.e. Middle Eastern, Far Eastern, etc... it would cause a bigger mess than there already is.  Was I the only one paying attention in Sunday school?  "Red and Yellow, Black and White, they are precious in his sight..." So I really can't take anymore of this not understanding... seriously... I don't understand myself some times... stop it.

Inequality?  This one completely blows my mind.  I can tell you what I found to be a serious inequality, the fact that I pay hundreds of dollars a month for medical insurance.  And yet when walking back to hubby's room from the pharmacy at the hospital, where I have just paid $50 in co-pays for a months' worth of medication I happen to be walking behind  two young girls (one looking about 15 and VERY pregnant) and a young man talking about medical care.  The young man asked her how much it was all going to cost her and she replied in something that I believe passes for English (?) "not a thing!  I have my Dad's insurance and Medicaid, I don't even have to work".  To me that was inequality.  As they walked off laughing I felt ill.  I work hard to keep my family insured, I am burning my sick leave to care for my hubby and keep my job. My taxes are paying for that.  I don't care what color they were, they were all able bodied and simply didn't want to work.  That's inequality.

And as for being held down... well no one is holding anyone down.  No one except yourself. If you choose to live on government handouts, using your free phone, having child after child knowing that there is no way you can support those children without the money from the government.  Refusing to marry the father's because you will be held accountable for your actions.  Refusing to study in school, finding it more fun to get wrapped up in evil and irresponsibility, then frankly... you are the only one holding you down.

This isn't about race.  This isn't even about those two young men whose lives were tragically changed in August. And yes both of their lives were changed.  This is about someone's agenda.  This is about hatred and ugly.

I have loved reading the few great stories that have come out of this mess.  The artists painting beautiful murals on plywood covering windows to repair their damaged communities, the young people out every morning cleaning up the carnage left of their communities after the idiots have gone to bed for the day.  The go-fund-me accounts that have more than paid to replace what the small business owners have lost in the insanity.  The young men that guarded the gas station that employed so many of them from looters.  I am sure there are just as many of these great stories, the media doesn't care about those....

They want to focus on the "protests" in the malls miles and miles from the community that this all started in. The "affluent" neighborhoods.  Well I live in one of those neighborhoods, and it's because I work hard to be there, and I assure you I am not affluent.  I live pay check to paycheck and do without when I cannot afford what I want or need.  This has nothing to do with those two men, they are the excuse.  Closing down malls has nothing to do with police brutality, with violations of rights, or even with equality.  It's just being bullies and jerks. It has no purpose.  IF it did, people would understand and support the cause. Not to mention that protesting on private property is illegal, and they should be arrested.

This morning I saw they've started burning the American Flag.  To me... this is sacrilege. You don't like what our flag stands for leave. Make room for the people that want to be here.  Go to one of the countries that you view as utopia. But leave here.  Too many American's have fought to protect all that flag stands for. That very flag was fought for to free slaves and unite a country.  That flag has represented so much in this world that people are illegally coming here to be protected by it.  So if it means so little to you, leave.

Now you see why I haven't blogged.  I am frustrated, angry and worn out.  I don't believe that destruction and hatred are ever the path to making a good change.  I believe that energy needs to be channeled into good.  That instead of burning, looting and destroying... clean up your community, give to those less fortunate, build up the youth to feel the pride they should have.  Take all that "power" to enact a positive change.  Make a difference... see what happens....

Miss B's family and friends immediately set about making things right at the store.  I am sure that her son and family and friends were furious, but they turned over the video's of the culprits, cleaned it up and went back to doing good in their community.  Because that is what good, honest, caring people do.  That is how you make a difference and enact change.

This week has held too much.  Too much emotionally, physically and mentally.  This week has been overwhelming.

Today they are marching to the capital of Missouri, to demand change.  Newsflash, change starts at home. We've all seen how well that demanded of the government works out for all concerned.  I wish them well on their journey, that no one is killed or injured.  The NAACP is funding it, maybe they should consider that they are more the cause of it... How about if we simply have a national association for the advancement of all people?

I need to stop... I need to go back to baking cookies, checking on my family and friends, I need to lift up prayers to stop this hurt and heal it... I need to not allow it past my door.

I have friends and family of many races, many creeds, and many lifestyles... I love you because you are you and because you are good.  Not for any other reason...