Saturday, February 22, 2014

Times they are a changing....

Was that the chirp of a spring song bird?  I am sitting here waking up and sipping my coffee, and I believe I just heard the soft chirp of a bird.  It's been so long...

This winter has been brutal.  Over the top, exhausting and simply unpleasant.  The past few days has seen the snow finally melt, the temperatures rise and the tense attitudes of  many (myself included) begin to thaw.
White caps on the Mississippi from the Stan Span
I know that I've been absent, I've had some soul searching I had to do.  I feel that I am truly in a transition stage that has required some in depth attention.  The kind that occurs in the depths of the heart and soul and is not for public consumption.  I feel as if this deeply frozen winter has been helping guide me through some very basic changes and transformations.  Maybe I have been hibernating?

Work has been filled with challenges.  Big ones, things that were out of everyone's control, and they are on-going.  Surviving the destruction and being positive and upbeat for others when you are feeling like you are drifting (that's sort of ironic considering it was a flood) and so uncertain is exhausting! But we have all been pulling together and we are coming out on the other side.

Home has been full of changes and adjustments also.  This year, we truly became empty-nesters.  And while I am not so much sad that my youngest has moved on to start his life, I do miss his close presence and feel a bit lost.  My girl isn't so far, but 40 minutes is far when life is as busy and hectic as it's been.  My kids and I have always been a close knit team, rarely far apart, and even then close enough to include. They are feeling a bit scattered to me.  Trying to figure out when I am going to see my youngest around his life and the distance is a bit frustrating. Also balancing the need to not be a "helicopter" mom. 

The youngest two have always been hit or miss.  Their mom never instilled in them the importance of including Dad in their lives, in fact in the eleven years (tomorrow actually) that I have lived here, Dad usually hears about the wonderful stuff after the fact so there is no chance of him being included. They are adults now, but because of that we rarely see them.  They are busy with their lives, they are seniors, and sadly because of the way things were when they were younger seem to find little time to squeeze in time for their Daddy that loves them more than there are words. He's an amazing Daddy, nothing he would not do or give to his girls and because of forces beyond his control is forced into "a shadow waiting in the wings" roll.  It makes me angry and frustrated.

The empty nest is looming large at home.  Even the critters notice it.  This winter, the time of change has been altering my perspective.

I am looking at changing those spare bedrooms, that is all they are now.  Like I said the girls rarely come to the house and they will be heading to college soon. It seems wasteful somehow.  Just random odds and ends stashed out of the way in their rooms a place to stash the things I have been too busy or lazy to put away.   The fragments of their childhoods waiting to be cleaned out and donated.

It really is a new starting place, a new journey is forming for Hubby and I .  It's odd. 

About a month ago, we decided to make a few changes, those first steps I guess. We stopped eating out.  I love to cook, but rarely have the energy or make the time.  I was looking at expenses and realizing that we were wasting a great deal of money on substandard meals simply because  I perceived myself to be too busy and tired. It's been over a month now, and honestly, I have no desire to go out to eat.  NONE!  I have discovered the joy that cooking at home brings me.  That peace that I had when we went to the country, it was here.  Just like it was in Germany where fast food isn't prevalent and dinner at home was the common theme. 

We went to lunch with the Pastors and their wives last weekend.  The company was amazing the atmosphere and food... blah!  I couldn't wait to get home to cook dinner.

We drive past the packed restaurants on our way home, parking lots over flowing, lines waiting at the door. I think about the noise, the disruptions, the chaos.  The waiting, the inability to have a private peaceful conversation. I don't miss it.

Sure there are nights when I am so tired I want to cry, and Hubby sitting in the living room relaxing while I am cooking drives me to the point of wanting to do bodily harm. The reality of the moment isn't that I am "slaving" over dinner while he is resting... the reality is that I am angry that the rest of my world infringes on my energy (which isn't unlimited) and interrupts what I find joy in. 

Making a nourishing , tasty meal for my family.  Even if my family at home now is just Hubby and I.  My kitchen is far too small to make cooking together a positive experience. And frankly, I am a very selfish cook, I want my space... all of it and I don't want you messing with what I am making.  Period! I want you to sample when I ask and stay out of my way.  And I want the joy that comes from placing a good dinner in front of you.  I want the satisfaction that is older than our lifetimes of providing for my family and my friends.

Hubby and I are making changes, we are changing things up, in a positive way.  We are working on getting back to basics and finding ways to not only survive, but thrive in this challenging economic world that we are living in today.

I keep reading things that make me shake my head.  I keep experiencing things that make me question if people are seriously that disconnected with life.  I think I am ready to start blogging again.   There are many things on the horizon, some will be challenging, some will be easy, I have a feeling at the end of the day all will be rewarding and transformational.

I am learning to set boundaries for myself, I am learning to stand my ground, and I am learning to move life forward... It's all about the journey...

there are bound to be rough waters...

Yep... those were song birds, the season is changing...