Saturday, February 8, 2014
dreams... drifting away...
It's a good thing I have no where to be this weekend. That my plans all revolve around my home. Around the chores that I haven't had time to do, and a bit of knitting and crochet. I also need to find my Bible. I misplaced it somewhere, and it's driving me crazy. I've uploaded one on my Nook, and I have several others, but that is the one that I like. Hubby bought it for me years ago, I got to pick it based on me. I miss it.
Lately I am missing a lot of things. My mind might be at the top of the list. It's been such a crazy year, I guess you can tell that from reading my blog... okay, so what I really meant was from not being able to because I haven't had time to sit and write.
I feel like I haven't had time to do most everything.
Hubby and I don't even really have time to have a life it seems. The average day goes like this... wake up at 5, fix breakfast, pack lunch, take care of the animals, iron work clothes (because I haven't had time to squeeze it in), hurry and shower and get ready for work (usually leaving with wet hair because I haven't had time to dry it), make the 20 minute drive to work that really takes almost an hour. Arrive at work as close to 8 as is humanly possible... plan to be able to leave as close to 5/530 as possible, hope to have at least thirty minutes for lunch, reality is... I am thankful for almost 20 minutes that was only interrupted three times. Then watch the clock tick past 5/530 as one thing after another comes up for one or the other of us. Maybe head out by 630 for that 20 minute drive that inevitably is closer to 40. Get home, let the dogs out, unpack left over lunch that we never got to eat, fix dinner and feel like dropping from sheer exhaustion by 800 pm.
Everything seems to get the lion's share of our life, except us. I know that a lot of it is our fault. Hubby and I are both people that if we tell you we will get something done, we will get it done. We don't walk away and leave simply because we are tired. End result is that whenever something needs done... it gets handed to us. We aren't the ones that say... well it's 5:00 and I've been here since 8:00 am, let me stack everything up and go, it will be here tomorrow. If we did, we might have more time to have a life.
Lately my frustration level is growing. I want to finally haul all the boxes down the stairs and put Christmas away. They have lost their charm. I want time to spend doing silly things with Hubby. I miss it. I would have loved to have woken him up for a walk in that beautiful snow this morning, it was my favorite kind, big fluffy flakes. I thought about it while I was making coffee before cleaning the kitchen that had been neglected the last few days. And then I thought about the bags that are always under his eyes lately, and how tired he's been. And I let him sleep.
Down in his peaceful cocoon all toasty in his man cave. Hubby, has not been sleeping well. He simply has too much on his mind. So every night he wanders down there sometime during the night and snuggles up and watches t.v. until his mind settles back down. I can hear the faint sound drifting up through the vent.
I am at a loss as to how to turn this all around. I really truly am. I feel like the faster I run, the faster this darn treadmill goes. I can't keep up. I am getting to where I don't want to. It's bad, really bad, when leaving work after another physically and emotionally draining day walking past a group of homeless folks laughing, that you seriously wonder if maybe they aren't better off.
Each day, there is another news story about more taxes, raising taxes, etc. Every time I sit down to pay my bills there is an increase. At some point in the last couple of years they managed to pass a new "law" that allows them to increase the cost of water/sewer by 15% each year in October. I wonder if the folks that bought into the line "it will only be a fifteen cent increase"... realized that the 15% increase would be greater and greater each year. Our water bill, when there where five of us in the house was $25 per month. Now it's just Hubby and I, I only do laundry once a week and three loads at that, you would think it would be less... nope... now it's $40 per month. Someone should have done some math.
I feel like we are working so hard to simply fund someone other than ourselves. It was a "slap me in the face" moment explaining a pay statement to someone recently. They asked what value do Medicare, Social Security and a few other things have to me. And knowing how young they were and how unlikely either of those were of existing when they needed them, having to answer that question was hard. They did research on another $55 coming out of their check, finding out that it didn't matter how much they paid into that fund they would still only get a certain maximum, and that money was funding other people's retirements that had been promised but not budgeted for, was another eye opener.
I am tired, I am grouchy, I feel like I don't even have time to have a life. Simply to work for someone else, squeeze in the bare necessities for Hubby and I around the rest of it, and dream of a better day some other time. I am getting really tired of dreaming, really tired of hoping and wishing. I want to enjoy my husband, I want to have time to love on my pets, spend time with my kids and grand daughter and not when I am simply too worn out to do it. As for having dreams of any other kind... right now it feels hopeless...