Time is never wasted

Sitting here looking at the skyline out of the sixth floor window, definitely is not how I planned the day, but I am grateful for the view.

Here I am 50 years old and I have just been called to my first jury duty.  This room is crazy full, hard to believe that so few will actually be asked to serve on a trial.  I'm kind of ambivalent about it all. I have a crazy amount of work to get accomplished, but by the same token, I would hope that if I ever needed a jury of my peers they would be there for me.

The only true challenge for me is that I do not have the ability to be knitting or even crocheting.  And I feel it is pretty well established that I do not sit still well.  Luckily, I have internet and my chrome book.  So after writing this morning, I am going to spend a bit of time doing the little bit of work I can accomplish from here, and then I guess I will continue to plan my Christmas list if I still have not been called.

This morning as Hubby and I were walking the dog, we were treated to several rare and beautiful celestial happenings.  The moon was breathtaking and huge.  The prequel to tonight's hunters moon, was setting in the west.  It was huge and bright that the entire western sky was luminous, a glow around every home, building and trees.  It was breathtakingly beautiful and me without my camera.  I really need to try to be more organized at 5 am.

Then to the east, was the rarest treat.  We've been watching Jupiter, Venus and Mars do this incredible dance in the early morning sky, some days an almost perfect line, others more curved, with them switching places almost daily.  Today, depending on where we were standing and how little light we were reflecting back Mercury was popping into view at the very tail end closest to the horizon.

Morning walks with the boys are so centering, sure does make you feel small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things.   We were even a bit chilled today.  Okay, maybe a bit more than a bit... It was only in the high 30's.  This year we are slowly drifting into the cold, it isn't rushing up to meet us.  I can honestly say we've only had a few mildly cold days, where the heat was required to take off the morning chill or a small fire in the fireplace - more for ambiance than as a full need.  Although the warmth definitely soothed the soul.

My horoscope this morning warned me that I am on a precipice, that I have a surge of confidence that is going to take me to new and exciting places.  Hmmm... did those stars realize I would spend the majority of my day staring out a window at buildings and the occasional passing plane? I'm sipping, slowly, the last of my coffee and realizing it is not even 10 am.

Wait... it's already 10 am?  This day is flying past, ironically.

After a busy, manually hard weekend, maybe today is my day to be still, to allow my worn muscles to heal. Last night's fitful sleep did nothing to heal them.  Maybe it's a day for me to steal solitude as I wait to be called.  To focus, center and do some of the tasks that the loud busyness that is life rarely allows me to do.

I guess it is all in how you look at it...

Today is not wasted, today is a gift.

While I wait...
I can write
I can plan
I can budget
I can dream
I can focus
I can imagine

What do you do when you wait?

living a life...

Ugghhhh...

I have had it all visualized for the longest time.  I knew exactly how I wanted it to look, the layout was going to be perfect, I was so excited.  Then this happened...

I know, it looks awesome, right!  And it is not at all what I had planned.  Now I am struggling, because what I had planned looks crowded and just wrong. I know I am replacing the sofa this winter, maybe... hubs wants me to, but it also looks so "right".  It's just not very comfortable anymore.

I spent all day yesterday working on painting furniture.  I have two more pieces to start, I just don't know what I am going to do with the one that was supposed to go where the chair is.

In my haste this morning, I managed to mess up one of the drawers for the dresser, so I am waiting on it to finish curing yet again.

Feeling a bit frustrated.

There is so much that keeps getting pushed back, with Hubs being sick, moving, and simply holding our own, I feel like I am light years behind where I want to be.

I am thankful for my home!  I love it!

I am blessed for my career!  Being able to be such a strong part of so many lives and all the blessings I get to be part of daily - totally fills my "bucket".

There simply aren't words for how thankful and blessed I am to finally have the Hubs healing and healthy again.

Maybe that is some of the anxiety.  Some of the push to get so much accomplished.

I haven't quite accepted that he is doing great!  I started to say fine, but when you add up the days and realize it hasn't even been four months, he is doing phenomenal!  Doc said it will be a year or so before he is back to perfect, it's still scary.  They still haven't said the staph won't come back, we won't know that for several years.  Maybe that is why I am so desperate to have everything... I don't know, normal?

For over a year we have lived in our beautiful home, it's been full of half finished tasks and projects needing tackled.

For over a year, it feels that I have forgotten how to cook, how to do anything but rush from one challenge to the next.

I have been in a constant state of "rush".

I am finding that even my knitting projects are part of rushing, I only tackle things I can complete while on the go.  I haven't quilted, used my spinning wheel, or anything in so very long.  My blog has been neglected and I gave up on my garden.  My soap supplies sit gathering dust and so many projects are neglected.

This weekend I feel like I hit a reset button.  I've not gotten dressed to go anywhere, other than the short trip to the store for items we couldn't do without.  I haven't talked to anyone but family.  And I have focused on stuff that is important to me.

I have blogged twice - I know you are probably as shocked as I am.  I have finished two pieces of furniture and even cooked.  It's frightening.  As I am working on laundry I am doubtful that the soap will get made this weekend, I want to, but... the carpets need cleaned and they are a higher priority.

Even Hubs is moving into a routine.  He worked on the Divine Ms. Em (although I sure was the one wrapped around the steering column threading that manual choke cable through) and got even more stuff clean out in the garage.

It feels good.

Slowing down.  We need to do this. As I was out on the deck enjoying the last few stubborn flowers, hanging in the midst of all the falling leaves and dying greenery, I realized that life is far to short to keep rushing.  A year ago we were heading into a terrifying stint of time, I think it's finally time to put it behind us... a full year later, it's like a bad nightmare.

Hubs and I need to get back to us.  We need to remember to live. We are great at earning a living, maybe not so great at living a life.

Now if I could just decide what to do with those pieces of furniture....

drifting...

I think I simply need a minute to rest.  Been working on projects since around 4:30 am.  I have enough to keep me busy for hours, okay maybe months yet.  But for a minute, I want to sip coffee, listen to all the leaf blowers and mowers that are racing to beat the rain that is heading our way.

We've been enjoying a beautiful Indian summer, temperatures have been so mild, a few dips close to freezing, but only a few. Hurricane Patricia slammed into Mexico last night, I am so happy to know it missed major cities, but prayerful for those people in the outlying area's.  It's heading into Texas as a tropical storm, we could see some rain from it. We need it.

Hubs has run up to the store, he needs a simply little part to be able to continue working on cleaning out the garage.  Unbelievably, we managed last weekend to clean out the majority of the garage.  There are two boxes left, they go to my sewing room, I believe we have finally moved into our house!  Hubs is now working on organizing the garage, it's frightening to see so much space!  We have just a few bits and pieces to deal with.  I am actually donating a bunch to Disabled Veterans of America or simply giving it away.  I am tired of being a pack rat.

My fireplace room has three pieces of furniture sitting in it right now.  I am getting ready to start on painting them.  I've only been planning it for a year.  My goal... by Sunday to finish all the furniture, make some soap (yep finally found those supplies too), make some cookies (lunches next week will need help), as well as the usual stuff.

Then it will be time to start planning and working on Christmas presents.  I cannot believe we are a week from November, how did this happen? Our boy won't be home this year, so it will be a quiet morning.  We will have to crowd in on the girl and her family for a bit of fun and excitement.  This is going to be a new experience for us.

Work is a bit crazy right now, so I won't be hand making as much.  I'm torn though.  I am not a "commercial person", so needless to say this will be a challenge for me.

Well, I need to get back to work, my coffee cup is almost empty and as the wind picks up outside I realize the day is drifting away.  

If we still had front porches...

I am dancing down the nostalgia road big time today. Hubby started off my morning with a long hot soak in the tub, listening to "older" country music, the kind that speaks to my very soul. The kind that makes me long for the "good ole days".  Makes me long to slow things down, to have time to linger on the front porch with the neighbors and family. Ironically, none of us have a "front porch" in my neighborhood.  We all have huge decks to hide out behind our homes, but nothing bringing us together.

My Susie Homemaker heart has me making a big pot of turkey, barley and vegetable soup that is simmering on the stove, the aroma is incredible! I have to work late tonight, and frankly, I am incredibly sick of grab and go food!  I long for soup simmering, fresh baked bread that I know the ingredient list of, a sweet treat that I have made myself.  Usually, I go into work super early on my closing days, so that we only make one trip.

Today, I couldn't do it. I love my job, I am blessed to work with amazing people, and I get to touch the lives of so many that probably need that front porch just as much as I do.

But today, I needed to slow down.  They will get at least 8 hours, but not 12 straight.  My fibro is choosing to act up and if I don't play it smart it will kick my tail feathers.

Instead I have spent the morning lost in the early 90's, humming to music that talks about family, friends, and home.  All the things that are precious to me.  I was going to spend it knitting, but that tub... well...

I have been dealing with too many things lately, that needed to be put into perspective.  I am wondering how many others feel that life is moving far to fast.  How many don't take the time to slow down, to breathe.

There is a sweet man from Africa that comes to my Y every day.  He is a quiet man, tall and his eyes hold a world we can't begin to understand.  His English is beautifully accented, he's incredibly intelligent and compassionate.  He lives quietly on the streets of our city.   For a long time before I convinced him to trust us he would come in every other day and pay the guest fee simply for a shower.  His pride is so strong.

He brings out the nurturer in me.  He's shared that he left Africa for a better life, to keep the trouble far from him.  He's got a gentle smile that betrays a bitter past.  The team I work with have managed to get clothing gathered for him, I am in search of a jacket to shield him from the coming cold.  He's so tall and slight.  And I am going to knit him a warm hat.  He will take it, and his eyes will betray the hurt to his pride and the thankfulness all in one glance.

When did we stop being that world, that cared for those in need, those that didn't demand it.  When did we become a country of people that demand things at the point of a gun or knife.  When did we stop being those people that showed love and compassion?  When did that fall out of style?

I need to step back onto my front porch.  I need to be more of the person that I am and less the one that feels... I don't know... disconnected?  I need to reconnect.  With myself, my family, my friends, and more people that are quietly searching for that loving hand of help.

Hubby will be here shortly, and I will be able to have a warm nutritious lunch with him. Then I will head in.

Take a minute, think about it.... are you a front porch or back deck person.  Do you have the love in your heart to heal a nation, our own...

welcome autumn...

A cup of hot spiced tea, from the recipe we've been making since I was in my early teens (has it really been almost 40 years ago?) is sitting beside me.  The smell of fresh baked cookies is filling the air, the our sweet grand baby needed some, so did Grampa! The smell of fire places burning outside fills the night air.

And after a few really long and stressful weeks, I feel peaceful. I didn't get nearly as much done as I'd planned this weekend.  The exhaustion of the past few weeks has been very pervasive. What I did get done though has been a balm to my battered soul.

I've been slightly anti-social when I haven't been at work, and even then it's been a struggle.  I have felt a strong urge to wrap myself tight in a cocoon.  Not letting anyone but the closest family and friends in.  I have felt overwhelmed and trapped.  It has been very unpleasant.  It's hard to smile when you don't want to.  It's hard to battle an invisible illness, that others are making worse, when no one can see it.


Today I sat in my comfy chair in front of the fireplace, my toes warmed and my heart feeling loved.  I did hours worth of work, I would have rather been knitting, but sometimes what we want and what we have to do are at odds with one another.

The fact that my loving hubby made me a fire, a pot of coffee and put my favorite chair close enough to warm my toes, knowing the task at hand was making me grouchy and unhappy, made me feel loved and cherished.  I do not have words to describe the power of pure love to heal a battered and weary mind and body.

That simple action changed my center.  It didn't make the task at hand any more pleasant, but it made it far more palatable.

Tonight the beautiful grand baby called, she needed time with us.  That is equally as powerful.  So while rocking to some old school music we worked together to bake cookies for our loved ones while munching on the chicken that Grampa cooked and chatting away.

These are the things that compose a life.  It's not the mundane, it's not the things that steal our joy, it isn't the stress inducers.  It's the smell that fall brings, it's the love we find ourselves wrapped in, it is cherishing our family and close friends.  Those are the bits that bring it all together.

I am so blessed!

because...

It's been a minute.... a LONG minute.  Life has been on fire for me for months now.  In fact sitting out here on the deck listening to the random bird chirps, the buzz of who knows what bugs as the sun makes an incredibly slow ascent, is a rarity anymore.  But this is twice this week that I have stolen time out here in the mornings.

The leaves are starting to fall, the unsuccessful "garden" I planted is withering and just about to be ready to put away for the year.  I have a whopping single cherry tomato, that will be ripe in the next day or so.  The rest, well... I've been an amazing steward of the animal population out here in the county.

So much has been happening, so much has been going on.  And I am struggling to put those bits all together to form a life.

The hubs is finally on the mend, I am sure that he would love to be further down the path to recovery.  But when we remember it's not even been a year since the first attempt to "heal" him (or that could be kill, depending on your perspective). Every day his gait is straighter and I see him doing things that he has not done in a long time.

I have been blessed with time on the coast with my boy and his sweetie.  I have had stolen moments to enjoy my daughter and grand daughter.  Those have been priceless.  My boy and his sweetie even visited me at home this summer.  It's been so filled with blessings!

My two oldest and dearest friends were here just over a month ago.  I cherished that time.  I realized that time and distance really do not matter at all when you are sisters at heart!  It was a blessing to pick up were we stopped years ago, like the conversation simply never paused. The sadness comes later, when you realize how much distance there is and ache to sit and have a cup of coffee (or soda) and visit yet again. Ironically, out of my far away friends - I'm the only coffee drinker! I know!  Insanity, right?

My summer has been filled with beauty, love, walks on beaches, sitting in hot tubs under the stars, moon light chats, motorcycle rides in the sunshine, lots of beautiful sun rises, and sun sets, family, friends, loved ones, and memories to last a lifetime.  I am truly blessed!

As that fourth blood moon arrives tomorrow, I am a bit apprehensive.  Is it an omen?  Are there things simply waiting to happen that can steal that kind of happiness and joy?  Or... will it just be another of natures beautiful gifts to us?

The hubs is still snoozing.  His heart is heavy with an assortment of things.  I wish more than anything I could make it better.  That I could lighten that load and let him feel all the joy that I do.  He willingly takes all the grief (Lord knows he's listened to me vent a million times), his "safety" net of family and friends is holey at best.  He's that special kind of person that is always there for everyone - he strives to never let you down - yet when he is the one needing the boost... well... people are fickle.

It's odd... He's a far better person than I am.  He is that rare person that always puts others first, he remembers every birthday, he is loving and generous, and yet... he seems to be surrounded with people like me.  People with "good" intentions.  I forget birthday's, I forget to return calls, I am horrible at mailing things (if you are waiting for a card or gift from me... chances are the card is sitting in the basket in my kitchen - my thoughts made it - the card never will)

As the sun continues to rise and he continues to rest, I am hoping I can plan a weekend to lift his spirits, to renew his energy and to lift him up!  There are so many things that we love to do going on this weekend... Strange Folk, Octoberfest, beautiful weather for relaxing in the sunshine.

I hope this next blood moon does bring a change. I hope it ushers in a world full of love.  Where people are less biting (have you noticed that lately?), more kind, more compassionate.  I hope that the "era" that it brings forward is one full of understanding, support, with more givers and fewer takers.  I hope the users in this world finally learn that it's an easier struggle through this life when you lift each other up, not tear each other down.

I feel a strong pull to re-evaluate.  Do you?  Maybe, just maybe that is what will make the difference.

Well, it's time to sit back watch the squirrels fly through the changing leaves, drink another cup of coffee, work on a pair of socks while I watch the day unfurl...

An ending... a beginning!

It's the last eve of my 49th year.  I'm sitting here at the island in my kitchen munching on some sushi from my favorite spot in town. It's fairly quiet in the house, the turtle pump is running, the air conditioner is keeping me from remembering that it's still in the 90's outside, and faintly I hear the television.

I was sitting here surfing the internet... Lord knows I didn't really have time for that either, but I needed a moment to slow down.  Just a final minute or two to savor the moment.

Hubs is at the girl's house. Doing who knows what.  I feel like the greatest conspiracy since who shot Kennedy is unfolding around me.  Strange considering I said I was really great with a simple, quiet, uneventful day.  Something tells me selective hearing has occurred.

It's odd... I don't mind 50.  In fact I think it's kind of cool.  I sure don't feel like I imagined it to be way back when 25 seemed like a death knell and I felt certain that the sands in my hour glass were on warp speed.

50 is far different.  Tomorrow when I wake up I will officially be a half century old.

Guess what, except for the bum knee I have acquired caring for hubs and the beautiful salt and pepper gray of my hair, I feel the same as I did at 25.

Sure I have more battle scars from living life, but what kind of life well lived doesn't give you those?  I have learned many lessons, trust, love, friendship.  Those all have deeper meanings than they did so long ago.

Sitting here eating my sushi (I only like the vegetarian ones - yes you can laugh now) I am realizing that even though I have matured and mellowed.  I am still the closet hippie that I have always been.  Lost somewhere between Little House and a Flower Child.  But the edges are becoming far more refined.  I actually sent back a glass of wine for being "too" sweet.  I have a mild addiction to Brazilian coffee.  And I am now and probably always will be a foodie... treasuring new flavors and experiences. But, I also delight in a fresh grown tomato from my back deck, or that beautiful red pepper that I am hoping to have with some freshly made hummus before the week is out - if I can beat the squirrels to it.

I still love hot pink - well everything! - says the woman with a pink purse, pink wallet, pink nails, and a pink tote.

I have acquired tons of tools of my trades.  Yes Hubby spoils me.  With love.

I will never be sophisticated, that wasn't a gene that was offered up when I was created.  I will always be me.  Most comfortable in a baggy long skirt or dress with my feet covered in Birkenstock's.  In the fall and winter, bring on the jeans, a baggy sweater or sweat-shirt, hand knit socks and of course... my birks. I guess the only thing I could do to more strongly be identified with a crazy little hippie child would be to wear flowers in my hair.

Yeah... NO!  While I love to be surrounded by flowers, I am not wishing to wear them on my body.

Those that truly know and love me, know that I am loyal, honest and loving.  I will always take care of all around me, and I love doing so.

I have finally reached a point in my life that is filled with love, laughter and happiness.  Even life's challenges are just a stone to step over... I am finding myself truly blessed.

I have discovered over the years that the shyness that is part of me, is something I cherish.  It protects me. Gives me the time I need to observe, decide if I want to jump into a situation. My introverted nature allows me to be the light that allows my sweet hubby to shine even brighter with his bold extroverted self.  My odd artistic side is oddly enough treasured by many (don't know how that went from making me a freak to making me a great person to know). I know that I am quirky, I like those things about me!

Nope... 50 isn't seeing too many changes. A few more crinkles at my eyes when I smile, a few more of life's battle scars, but all in all, I... I think I will simply stay me as I get ready to tackle my next quarter of a century!