it's blowing in...

Was an early start today, long before the sun had considered waking up I had already helped Hubs walk the boys, made a smoothie, done a load of laundry and given Hubs a haircut.  He was seriously needing it! We were in a hurry to find out new polling place.  It's voting day after all. 

Hubs and I found it.  We made our mark.  I hope enough people care to do the same.  Right, wrong or indifferent, I have very little patience for folks that don't vote.  It is a right that has been earned for each of us with much blood shed and many battle scars.  And not only the kind earned on the battle field.  So many have sacrificed so much for us to have the right to make that little mark or push that little button.  

So many won't make the effort, feeling their vote doesn't make a difference.  I saw a meme the other day that completely demonstrated the reality of that mistake.  It showed the Washington Mall, surrounded by all of our monuments to the people that gave so much to shape our country.  It was filled to capacity with people, pouring over the edges.  It represented all of the people that didn't feel their little vote mattered. 

Powerful. 

I am not an overly political person.  I have my beliefs, which happen to be a pretty good mix of things.  I will not hate or belittle you for yours, I expect the same from others.  I feel it is one of the things that makes this country of ours so amazing!  Many thoughts, beliefs and concerns are represented.  And each of us has a vote.  If we don't use it, shame on us. 

Do I expect my choice to win... well I have no idea.  Some years I am in the majority, some the minority. But as I made the effort to vote, I feel I have the right to voice my opinions!  To complain when what is going on is something that makes us weaker, or to lose our rights.  I also feel I have the right to celebrate when we as a country have shone brightly.  

I am thankful for the brave men and women who over the course of time have fought, protested, marched and petitioned for each of us to have the right to vote.  

I proudly displayed my ID and my voters registration card this morning.  I am new to my state, this was my first opportunity to be engaged as a citizen and resident. As I looked at all the forms of identification that they would accept, I was puzzled about all of the commercials and news stories that I have seen concerning how hard it was to prove who you were.   How it was making it hard for people to vote.  The list was very long and I personally could provide about six of the forms accepted.  Some I had never heard of, and I was completely shocked to see they would even accept an ID from another state.  

I personally feel that if you have to have an ID to cash a check, accept benefits of any kind, see a doctor, fill a prescription, get a library card, or anything else then it is truly not asking for much to prove you are a legally authorized voter.  It is far too important to all of us!  And honestly, when people have sacrificed their lives to give us the right to vote, is it asking too much to go and get a state ID?  Or evidently bring your power or sewer bill?

Wow, did I get off on a bit of a rant?  Didn't mean to... 

I was happy to see so many people coming into the little church that serves as our polling place, many of my neighbors.  I am hopeful that we do not waste this opportunity.  So many other countries are jealous of our freedoms.   We shouldn't waste them. 

It will be a busy day at the polls, and a busy day for me.  I am getting ready to spend a quiet morning in Hubby's man cave.  Typing furiously on the main computer.  I am so far behind with so many things and that means that for a minute I am going to fore-sake things that are important to me.  Things as simple as a walk in the sunshine, coffee on a sunny morning with my girl, time with my Hubs or even a trip to see my boy or my parents. 

Although I feel like the universe is trying to give me a message.  Too many things are popping up in my world that are screaming at me to slow it down.  To step back.  To re-evaluate. I am willing at this point to spend the next few weeks crazy... I am okay with what I have to do right now.  

But I feel quite strongly that April is going to signal a huge shift in my world.

This is a time of monumental change... in our world, our country and in each of our lives... I feel I can have the most impact in my immediate world... where will you make change?

almost...

I almost did...

Yesterday walking the boys in the late afternoon, I saw the dandelions.

I almost picked them.  I almost did.

For years Hubs and I have been picking them carefully from non-treated fields.  They were a favorite treat of our little lizard Yuri.

At the grocery earlier in the day I noticed the kale was particularly crispy and deep green.  As I reach to pick up a batch Hubs halted my hand.  Reminding me that Yuri was gone.  I was buying it for us, but it definitely crossed my mind that he would love it.

There are so many times lately that I feel like I live in "almost land".

Looking at the delicate blades of spring grass.  I almost reached out and ran my fingers through it.  It was too delicate to be touched, so I pulled back.  Longing to feel it's soft, tender newness.

The buds are popping everywhere. I feel an overwhelming need to wander for hours in the beauty!

Instead... I find myself eating a late slightly well done dinner at my sitting desk, it was probably fabulous a few hours ago, but at least I am able to eat a home cooked dinner. I sure wasn't expecting to be home so late. I managed to miss being able to eat every meal with Hubs today.

He let me sleep in until almost too late this morning, he knows the time change plays havoc with me.  Rushing around like a crazed woman I got his pants ironed (nope, never got to all of my weekend chores), made him a smoothie for the road and managed to get a kiss before pushing my own day into high gear.

The boys and I took a leisurely (is there any other kind where Gator is involved?) stroll.  It was foggy, damp and basically the perfect spring morning! I could have spent the day out there, wandering slowly with them. The smell of the earth waking up after it's winter slumber really changes my perspective.

Sadly, it wasn't meant to be. Meetings filled the day.  I'd packed a wonderful lunch, that I was looking forward to sharing with my sweet Hubs.  Needing just a scrap of time with him.  My meeting ran late, almost straight into the next, Hubs meeting ran late which led me to handing him his lunch in the stairwell.

Dinner... knew that wasn't going to happen.  I made it for him in the crock-pot.  It's not the same when you eat alone in a quiet house, instead of spending the time with your loved one.

I'm almost ready to go to sleep, but I wanted a few minutes.  I want to wake my sweet Hubs, I want to have time to chat with him, laugh and snuggle.  Seems like there is less and less time for that.  I'm not okay with it.

I don't want a day to come where I almost do something for him only to realize that it's too late.  I don't want to regret those missed lunches and dinners.

I don't want to feel like I almost did...

the dawn of spring...

The star magnolia and cherry blossom's are starting to pop open, there are daffodils, crocus and jonquils popping up in random gardens. Our Rose of Sharon is starting to put forth buds and so is the lilac.  It's that time in early spring when everything is starting to consider budding out.  In a few weeks it will be a riot of color and life returning.  A welcome respite from the dreary, dank, bland winter.  

This morning

I love winter.  Don't get me wrong.  There is nothing that makes my heart sing like a deep, bright, white blanket of snow.  The kind that instills a deep silence, that makes everything have a heavenly glow. Unfortunately... we simply didn't get much of that.  The trees only bowed briefly, the ground soft and fluffy. The world frozen for a moment in time.  Instead... we got a lot of cold, blustery winds and a ton of dreary, lifeless browns.  Persephone was truly resting in Hades. The only brightness or beauty were the few stolen days with a beautiful blue sky and sunshine, the blue birds, blue jays and cardinals brought a brief respite also. 

Three weeks ago...

My favorite seasons are spring and fall, by a long shot.  I don't believe I have SADD, but I do believe the dreariness causes me to feel very sad.  

This morning it took a bit longer for "morning" to arrive, thanks to daylight savings time, and the fact that the fog was so thick London and Seattle would be so proud! There is a constant rain. Tiny and almost invisible, the kind that doesn't really drench you, but makes you damp to the bone. Falling gently, persistently.

It appears to affect Hubs and I a bit differently. He's bundled in a fleece jacket, jeans and hat sitting in the garage smoking a cigar.  Almost seems to be hibernating.  He's a tad on the grumpy side and sort of growling at the world.  Internet is being squirrely (ironically it is no doubt due to the squirrels) and he gets bored easily. 

Me on the other hand... well after a long week of work, an unexpected day spent outside on the parking lot and a ton of stuff to actually get done (both work and home)... I am sitting here sipping my smoothie (got my new blender Friday!)  trying to "talk" myself into doing those chores.  

But... I really just want to plant my flower boxes full of peas and radishes in this soggy wet fog.  I am imagining their sweet goodness, if the squirrels are able to be kept at bay. 

I want to go out front and ravish those ugly long neglected box woods.  Tear them out at their roots.  Expose the earth in front of the house for beautiful flowers that love the partial shade it seems to always be bathed in. The norfolk pine, also long neglected and abused really needs to go.  I loved it initially, but seeing it daily, with the majority of it chopped away carelessly to accommodate the fact that it was planted far too close to the house, it looks awkward and odd.  Almost half dead.

Do you see me hiding?

I would love to spend the day walking in the drizzly rain.  It reminds me so much of the time I spent in Germany as a teen and adult.  I saw many of Europe's great wonders through this type of misty rain.  I long to go to the zoo, walk without the crowds.  Not caring if my hair gets wet, my glasses spotted or the cuffs of my pants get damp.  Just to enjoy the walk.  

This type of early spring rain feels like it cleanses away the stress the winter puts on me.  It makes me feel alive and vibrant.  Even the ache in my knee isn't making me as gloomy.  As I prepared our smoothies this morning, I was tempted to leave out the greens.  To simply make it a fruit smooth, bright and cheery.  

The dawn of spring is so life giving. The smell of the earth, getting my hands dirty in soil.  Preparing for the beauty. I even have more energy.  Which is darn good, because I have not been hitting my 10,000 steps a day.  Some of that is this stupid knee, some of it is exhaustion, some... well let's be honest, some is simply laziness!

I have a lot going on at work right now, so my mornings are spent rushing around between therapy (not even accomplished every day consistently), getting dogs walked, lunches packed, smoothies made, and honestly I am usually trying to iron work clothes at the last minute. All before I have to leave for a 40 minute commute. Not gonna lie, that kills me!  I hate to drive, and hate it even more that it is so long, but I don't want to give up what I am doing in the city nor do I want to move from my beautiful home (my castle).  So I'm still stuck in the middle for a bit. 

By the time I remember that I really should go home, it's time to start the cycle in reverse again.  Walk the boys, cook dinner, clean up, and here is where I really should get more exercise or do something I enjoy, but what I usually do is crash.  I sit brain dead beside Hubs, willing myself to stay awake for another hour or two. 

I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.  I have nothing left to offer.  Heck way too often dinner isn't even cooked.  We either go out or don't eat (nice options - NOT). And when I have to be at work until 9, chances are Hubs is either grazing on unhealthy, grabbing a sandwich, or something else even worse for his waistline. 

Between his hip replacements and the moderate/severe arthritis diagnosis for this stupid knee, both of us seriously need to be healthier.  I am not doing well with the instruction to take medicine twice a day (I HATE medicine!).  Maybe this additional hour of sunlight will help! Time to start considering replacing our bikes, time for longer walks, time to even squeeze in some water aerobics at the Y. As the days get longer and warmer maybe I will tackle a bit of a garden again (except for those poacher squirrels).

Hmmm... I might just plant a few radishes and peas today...

Lessons from Gator...

Early this morning, long before I'm normally awake, I simply ran out of sleep.  Usually I drift back off, usually it's simply a momentary rustling around in the blanket cocoon that I have somehow created in my sleep.  The warmth temporarily stealing my sleep with I search for the coolness of the air in the room.

Today, that didn't happen.  Today I was wide awake.  A million things running through my mind, some work, some personal, some hopes, some aspirations, some crazy thoughts.  Didn't matter, it completely robbed my sleep. And 3:30 am is rarely a time that I actually see, much less register alertness on any scale.

Tonight, well I tonight when I start driving home at around 9:00 pm, I am fairly certain I will be seriously regretting that slip in my routine.

My mind was flipping through things so fast that it felt like someone was spinning one of those old fashioned Rolodex, like we used to do when we were younger and one presented itself to our inquiring fingers.

This year has felt like it is one full of change, since the moment the clock struck midnight.  It's felt exciting, frightening, challenging, comforting, and out of the ordinary to me.  Two months have already slipped by, today starts a new month.  Although they are starting to feel like they are simply melding together and the calendar is as meaningless as anything else.

I wonder if all this is caused by the fact that I am now in my 50's, that my brain is starting to force me to think differently.  I actually caught myself at the doctor's office yesterday saying the words "I'm 50, I don't want to waste the rest of my life wishing I had done something sooner." Yikes!  Where did that come from?

Maybe it was still playing in my head when I woke up suddenly this morning.  Not sure.

That stupid knee was bothering me, so I took a long soak in Epsom salts, detox and hot water, elixir of the Gods if you ask me!  And spent a few long minutes reading "Tribes".  It was assigned through work, initially I was bummed, wondering where time was going to come from to squeeze that into my schedule.

Reading it has altered my thoughts in a lot of ways.  I will probably read it again.  There are lines in there, that I am finding stuck in my brain.  They are causing me to feel tossed and turned, the are mixing up with my already altered mind set.

After reading my brain starts turning things around even faster, spinning almost out of control. I am questioning so much more.  The food we eat, the quality time we spend together, the changes that are important for our health, how to avoid surgery (yeah this one is rapidly looking less likely...), work, life, home, balance... so many things that are completely mixed, mashed and tossed around.

Truth is... I am 50.  Realistically more than half way through my life. I am questioning.  Am I doing things that at the end I will regret?  I have always tried to live my life where I have few regrets, I am not sure I am doing that now. Hubs spent the majority of the past month alone.

Gator and I were walking a bit slower than Hubs and Neeko this morning, I didn't rush him.  It was a fairly warm morning, almost 50 degrees out there.  An early spring morning, perfection at it's best. Normally, I am prodding him to walk a bit faster, to not take time to sniff every blade of grass, to do his business and move along.

Today... I didn't.  Hubs and Neeko started walking faster when the rain drops started to fall.  Big ones, the kind that actually leave the "splat" marks and sound when they hit the pavement.  You could smell that heavy, dusky, earthy smell of rain moving in.  There were no clouds visible in that pitch colored sky, no moon to lighten the sky even though it was almost six.  Normally, Gator would have flipped out being that far from home and getting... gasp... wet!  This is a boy that definitely needs all the creature comforts of life.

As Hubs disappeared around the curve, Gator and I meandered. Nope that walk isn't counting for "active" anything on my Fit-bit.  Hub's offered me his ball cap as he and Neeko headed off, I declined.  So what if I'd already done my hair, the drops felt refreshing, I could do my hair again.  I think my little old guy was feeling the same.

We wandered slowly back towards the house, simply enjoying the moment.  He sniffed every blade of grass, climbed up the little hills, and bounced around with mom.  The drops weren't bothering him.  I saw a meme the other day of a dog with his person walking, it said "who's walk is this anyway?"  Solid question.  

Gator's been through so much.  He's an old guy.  Who am I to deprive him of a leisurely stroll simply because I can't slow down myself.  The slowness of the walk made me stop and think.  I need to do the same myself.  I need to slow down, I need to let a few raindrops bounce on the top of my head.  I need to really look at my priorities and evaluate who is setting them.  Is it me?  Am I sniffing every blade of grass? Or am I running along mindlessly hoping I will come back to it later?

I have an unnerving feeling that I am chasing dreams for other people, rushing through life and forgetting to live it.  I desperately wanted to enjoy the part of the beautiful Sunday that I wasn't working.  I was so exhausted from the LONG Saturday the day before, that I muddled sleepily through a sweet late lunch with Hubs - not even remembering what we talked about, totally skipped the desire to walk at the zoo, and wasn't even able to buy a new pair of sneakers because my stupid left leg was so swollen from the day before that I couldn't accurately judge how they fit.  I finally gave up, ran the few remaining errands, skipped dinner and just sat mindlessly on the sofa at the end of the day waiting out the clock so I could lay my head down on my pillow.

I need to learn a few lessons from Gator.

Love unconditionally.
Be loyal to my family.
Patience.  Good things come when you are willing to wait.
Be picky about my food.
Enjoy the beauty of a long leisurely stroll, soaking up the sunshine or the rain as both are fabulous!
Be willing to take a nice long nap when I need it.
Ignore anything that doesn't make me happy.

Anyone else questioning?

Smoothing out the rough edges...

Sitting alone in the silence.  My favorite heating pad on my shoulders (I've been a little tense lately and they are a bit tight). Sipping on some of the best Rooibos tea I have had since leaving Germany (it's Bourbon Vanilla Rooibos and I got it at The Spicery in Kimmswick, if you are local).  I'm simply unwinding.

There are many things on my to do list, in fact it's seems longer than I have the hours to accomplish. This entire month has been absolute insanity! My Gator boy needed emergency surgery. The vet wasn't sure he was going to live, we go back Tuesday, I feel much better about things than I did two weeks ago.  Two weeks ago I was sitting around holding him and sobbing.  Afraid that our time together was coming to an end.  Today walking in the sunshine, with Sir Sniffs-a-lot... well it sure feels like we have a good amount of time left together.

I think that therapy is coming along good, although since we've added in weight bearing exercises, it's been pretty sore.  My mission is still to avoid surgery, praying I will be able to.  Frankly not a fan of anyone cutting me open.  Unfortunately since I have been working so hard on the left leg, the right foot is feeling the need for attention.  Getting old is definitely not for sissy's!

I feel like I have sort of been living at work.  Probably because I sort of have...  Hubs and I driving separate is definitely a double edged sword.  I might not have to go in super early on days I have to work late, but I am finding a whole lot of days its easier to stay later and later. I am not real good at drawing lines. Sometimes I need someone to take out a big crayon and draw them for me.

Tonight marks my third day off.  I feel a bit unaccomplished.  My house is still needing attention, I could vacuum, hang up coats, dust, iron, empty the dish washer, and a few other things.  But... well, I didn't, and if it weren't for knowing that it will be March before I have a day off again... the laundry in the washing machine, well... lets just say I am pretty sure it wouldn't be happening.  Frankly, I'm tired.

God graced us with a beautiful weekend, the kind that are unheard of here in the Midwest in February.  Last week we had snow, this weekend we had a sneak preview of spring.

Very uncharacteristically, I spoiled myself.  I finally had my birthday massage, that was so relaxing - until the next day, note to self... you should never forget that no matter how good you feel you still have fibro.  YIKES!  Had lunch with Hubs and an early afternoon fabulous walk with my girl all before my late afternoon nap, and that was just on Friday!!  It's been a long time since I spent a day like that.

Saturday morning we got up early and took the boys for a walk at the park, after all of Gators trauma we felt he earned a nice stroll in the sunshine before we had a meeting at church. After that the Hubs took me on a mini-adventure.  We went to Historic Washington, Missouri.  He's been dying to take me to a little place called Wimpy's.  Maybe I am just moving out of the phase where I find burgers tasty, but I didn't really like the burger, the fries were awesome though! In all fairness, it could have been the "brain sandwich" on the menu that took my taste for meat away.  Who eats that??  Wimpy's is 81 years old, and it's still in the same place.  From the looks of it, it's probably going to be around another 81, unless a flood carries it away.  Folks were sure packed in there... but seriously... brains?

We then spent the next few hours wandering through little shops, mostly antiques and a few specialty shops. I found a yarn shop, and actually a couple of skeins of yarn that I was seriously coveting (yes, I know thou shalt not covet...) planned to buy them, but after 10 minutes of waiting for the owner to quit talking and wait on me, I left.  Sorry, I don't have time to stand around while you discuss bake sales. Guess she really didn't want to sell any yarn.

We ended yesterday having pie for dinner.  It wasn't the game plan, but 4 different shop owners told us we should have pie at Cowan's.  So... we did.  We weren't expecting such huge slices of pie, so pie and coffee it was. We bought our girl one as a surprise, needless to say it safely fed at 7 or 8 people.

It was an unbelievably early evening after that.  And I slept for 11 hours, I guess I was tired. And it's always easier to sleep after a day of sunshine and warm weather listening to a thunderstorm outside.

Today dawned sunny and warm, I think Hubs could tell by the fact that after a long walk with the boys and soak in a hot tub I wasn't in the mood to do chores.  I simply didn't want to be a grown up. He knows me so well.

So after service, instead of turning right, he went left.  All the way to Historic Kimmswick, I'd never been, and was intrigued. Lunch at the Blue Owl, then a meet up with friend that are part owners in a shop down there led to an afternoon of exploring and laughter.  Just what the doctor ordered.  We browsed through some fantastic little stores.  Found a few odds and ends, bought some tea, wandered through the Christmas Haus (oh MY! haven't enjoyed that so much since Kathe Wohlfahrt in Germany) and finally stopped for a hand made pretzel at the Dough Depot.

Sunshine, laughter and friends.  Does it get any better?

Maybe... except for the fact that Mastodon State Historic Site does not in fact have any mastodon's. But it was a beautiful walk in the sunshine just the same.

Tomorrow will be soon enough, I needed these three days.  I have been neck deep in stress and strain both mental and physical for weeks.  I could feel stress fractures happening in my world. My edges were fraying.

How did you spend your weekend?

I need a break!

It's been a long day...

My little old guy is in pain.  For some reason one of his joints is very swollen.  I will take him to the vet in the morning, pray that it is minor.

I hate seeing him suffer.  It breaks my heart into a million pieces.  He's so low to the ground that lifting it and hobbling on 3 legs isn't really an option.  I know it's aching him, he's sat in my lap all day, wanting it gently rubbed.  I am concerned that he pulled something when he was running around Friday.  You would have thought he was a puppy, not pushing 15.

He'd met me at the door bouncing and wagging everything he could possibly wag!  He's been super playful all week, I even caught him with a toy (this never happens) twice.

But yesterday morning it was a tad swollen, and by the time we came home from Mardi Gras with the girl and her group of friends, it was huge!  Poor baby.

I was up most of the night, worried about him, stressed, looking for him.

He'd finally gotten comfortable on the floor and was sleeping really sound.  I didn't sleep good, worried that I would find him gone, I do that a lot. The way he was laying, stopped my heart.  In the darkness I couldn't see if he was breathing, and when I called his name he didn't respond.  I laid down on the floor beside him. Panic trying to over take me.  Gently placing my hand on his side, praying.  I felt nothing. I am fairly sure I stopped breathing myself.  Then he growled.  Seems he was in a deep sleep and I'd startled him.

I let him go back to sleep.  I tried to do the same.

I know that he's old.  I know that he is sick.  I am simply not ready to let him go.  He's been my baby since 2004, when we rescued him.  Or he rescued us, I'm not sure which way that went.

He's surly and sweet.  There are times that little grouch totally makes me cranky and others that I can't get enough of his sweet little ways.

Today he's needed his mom.  Today, I've sat with him on the couch, snuggled with him on the floor.  I needed the time with him too.

I just wish he wasn't feeling so low.  Neeko ran into him, knocking him over.  It had to be painful, but he didn't yelp.  He just hopped around with it held up looking at me to fix it.  And I can't. He's walking good. Just slow.  Seems to bother him most when he's trying to get up or jump.

This weekend has been such a mix of emotions and almost no sleep.  It's hard to sort it out.

I haven't managed to finish the laundry, but I am working on it.  I am cooking dinner right now and Gator just hobbled in to see if there were any morsels that he was missing out on.

Tomorrow starts a long stretch of work days.  And more worry about the little old guy.

I have therapy in the morning, and I am afraid to jinx myself, but whatever changed on Wednesday, seems to have been a change for the better.  It is barely hurting at all.  Maybe I dodged that surgery bullet after all.  I am hopeful! The therapist has really been working hard to help me avoid it.  I appreciate it more than you can imagine.

Yesterday was full of fun, Mardi Gras with Hubs, my girl and her guy and two of their friends.  I don't normally like crowds and that really wasn't the exception.  We were lucky to be able to be at a private party. We could be inside enjoying the music and not being trampled. I've been the German Octoberfest and never encountered so many over the top drunk folks. YIKES!  But it was about seven hours of revelry in the middle of stress. I needed it.

Well... please say a prayer for my little old guy... I need to go feed the big old guy!

digging down...

Anger, frustration, bewilderment, disbelief, amazement, disappointment and discouraged are all words that describe where my head and heart are today.  And yes I am aware that it is only 5 am.  But when you have been up since 2:38 am trying to rationalize through things that steal your sleep, it is safe to say it's already a day.

Sitting here in the quasi-silence of my home, listening to the hum of the heater, the bubbling of the turtle's filter reminding me that it needs cleaned and refilled today, and the soft thuds of the kitty pouncing around wondering if Mom has become nocturnal, I am pondering.

Hubs is back upstairs trying to find a few more hours of precious sleep.  I am pretty sure that he was surprised to find me in the kitchen at 4 am, cleaning up and scrubbing furiously at things while waiting for my coffee to finish brewing. He'd been awakened just a bit before by unfinished business also, he understood. He knows what rattled my sleep, he can commiserate with me.

Unfortunately, he can't walk the path for me.  He can't give me the words or protect me.

Anyone that truly knows me, knows that I am a very open and honest person.  I don't like everyone, and I don't expect everyone to like me.  I do my level best to treat everyone with respect and empathy.

Life is hard, and NO ONE gets out alive.

It was a long week.  A really long week.  I rarely get sick.  This in itself is a sheer miracle. I work with the public.  Not just the every day public either, I often spend time in close proximity to people that have minimum access even the most basic things that will protect them and others, they often make life choices that set them up for an even tougher road.  Add to that the fact that I live every day with an immune system that has been compromised.  Dang bug...

This week, I got sick. I spent most of Monday night into late Wednesday sort of praying for someone to decide they needed to shoot me.  I actually spent over 24 hours in my jammies, in my bed, curled up with my dogs. And the "nurse cat" lying terribly uncomfortably on top of me, trying to provide comfort, oh the irony! After the toilet and I were able to break up our close personal relationship, I spent another two days boycotting food, willing to eventually sip coffee and nibble on some nut crisps.

I don't much remember Tuesday, the fever was making me hurt so badly that I frankly just slept in tossing and turning fits trying to ignore it.  I remember Hubs trying to convince to go to the hospital.  Um, no thank you!  Do you know what kind of things you catch in one of those places?  I remember my burning eyes trying to focus on the sweet text messages from people that knew I was out sick and were worried.  I remember a few short phone calls.  And I remember pain. Fevers do not mix well with Fibro, ever!

Wednesday was a bit better.  The fever had gone, but the tummy and I were still on the outs! I still had the darn sweats and chills to deal with.  It was rather ironic.  Tuesday I was so dang cold, or so I thought.  I was actually burning up with a fever, but couldn't get enough blankets on me to stop shivering.  By Wednesday my temp had actually dropped below where it should be and my skin felt cold and clammy. I was drenched in sweat.

It was horrid.  I don't often admit to illness or pain.  And I even more rarely give in and let anyone see me down with either.   So between the knee (another source of endless frustration) and then the flu bug, lets just say on the health front its been fail, fail, fail.

None of that is what has me awake at ungodly hours. But it does lead up to it.

I had a full schedule at work this week.  Way too many things to ever consider being ill.  Evidently, a virus fails to check your calendar when planning your demise.  Instead of sleeping Wednesday, instead of being healthy enough to attend an event I was looking forward to, I spent the day working on tying up loose ends. I had brought home a ton of work on Monday, planning to spend the evening catching up, instead of coming down.  Thankfully, I had plenty to keep me occupied and I made the most of the miserable hours on Wednesday in the silence of Hubs man-cave, safely within running (or hobbling if you want to be technical) distance of a bathroom.

I hate to ever feel like I let people down.  Even when I hate a task, and sometimes there are many that I simply cannot abide, if I am asked to accomplish something I will do so.  Be it personal or professional, its important to me.  And on top of being sick, I was worried about not accomplishing all of the things on my list.

The reason I am awake with all that crap eating at me is because I have allowed someone else to get into my head and "live rent free". Someone that doesn't truly know me, but feels they do.  I have allowed someone else to pass judgement based on limited information and facts, and I have accepted it.

I don't like conflict.  I've had enough of it in my life and it doesn't do any good.  No one wins.

I don't like bullies.  I know my weaknesses, I know my strengths.  Just because I don't choose to engage in a battle, doesn't mean it's because I am afraid of the outcome.  It's because I have weighed the pros and cons and determined that battle isn't worth using the limited amounts of energy and strength that I have.  It isn't because you are right and I am wrong.  Maybe neither of us is either of those things.  It's because some battles don't need to be fought.

I don't like being judged. I don't at all mind "constructive criticism", although I find the very words to be harsh and "un"-constructive.  I much prefer to have worthwhile conversations, to explore options and reach mutual decisions and goals. No one is better than I am, no one is worse.  Frankly, we are all equal. Your paycheck might be more or less than mine. Your perceived worth might also be greater or less than mine. The reality is that we all put our pants on one leg at a time.  We are all capable in our own right and way of being great!

I don't have or know all of your life experiences, nor do you know mine.  I don't hold that every person must go to college to achieve greatness, some of the greatest contributors to our world never stepped foot into an "institute of higher learning".  Some career paths require a deeper dive into academia, others not so much, they require life skills and alternate lessons . I don't subscribe to the idea that any one event or experience creates who we are. Reality is we are all created from millions of moments, lessons, thoughts, ideas, actions, and reactions.  Each of us is shaped not by what has happened or been experienced so much as by our reactions to those very things. At least that is what I believe.

Each and everyone one of us has a reason behind the parts of ourselves that we choose to allow others to see.  If I don't let you see all of me, chances are I don't trust you.  If I hold back anything, it is because you have said or done something that has made me feel unsafe around you.  Oh, maybe it is my perception of the "situation", that in my mind and heart has become a reality. Or maybe it isn't my perception.  Maybe it is reality.

This week I had a conversation that has caused great turmoil in my heart and mind. I felt judged, I felt demotivated, I felt discarded. I went in search of support and mentoring, I found metaphors and discouragement.  I discovered that the person I was speaking to didn't know me as a person at all.

Just like most people there are many different layers and facets to me.  I am sometimes a highly cut and deeply defined diamond.  Other times I can appear to be that lump of coal buried deep in the metamorphic rocks, being crushed on my journey to the deepest layers of the earth.  Being shaped, molded, subjected to extreme heat and pressure. Those are all bits and pieces of me.  Just like they are bits and pieces of everyone.

I will always share my strengths for the greater good.  I am willing to allow anyone else to steal my flame to make their own
|}brighter when they need it, I only ask when I need the same benefit it is extended.

My personal life and my professional life at times intersect far too much. At others they overlap and both become blurry and distorted. There are times I fight the devil himself to keep the worlds a million miles apart. I try to never have either half of who I am overwhelm and steal from the other half.  Both of them leave me feeling fulfilled and happy. When they balance.

The me that is content in silence.  Blogging, knitting, gardening, quilting, wood working, painting, spinning, soap making, home making, cooking, riding on the motorcycle with hubs, photographing, creating...  She is a different person than the me that shows up to make a difference for others.  It doesn't mean that I am not passionate about both, it means that both are important for very different reasons. Both are parts of a greater whole. Isn't everyone like that?

That conversation is eating at me... I have to sort it out.  There were interesting things posed in it.  There were challenges made... It is robbing me of sleep and not in a good and powerful way.

Yes... 2016 is going to be an interesting year.  It is going to be a year of surprises, changes and decisions...