Smoothing out the rough edges...

Sitting alone in the silence.  My favorite heating pad on my shoulders (I've been a little tense lately and they are a bit tight). Sipping on some of the best Rooibos tea I have had since leaving Germany (it's Bourbon Vanilla Rooibos and I got it at The Spicery in Kimmswick, if you are local).  I'm simply unwinding.

There are many things on my to do list, in fact it's seems longer than I have the hours to accomplish. This entire month has been absolute insanity! My Gator boy needed emergency surgery. The vet wasn't sure he was going to live, we go back Tuesday, I feel much better about things than I did two weeks ago.  Two weeks ago I was sitting around holding him and sobbing.  Afraid that our time together was coming to an end.  Today walking in the sunshine, with Sir Sniffs-a-lot... well it sure feels like we have a good amount of time left together.

I think that therapy is coming along good, although since we've added in weight bearing exercises, it's been pretty sore.  My mission is still to avoid surgery, praying I will be able to.  Frankly not a fan of anyone cutting me open.  Unfortunately since I have been working so hard on the left leg, the right foot is feeling the need for attention.  Getting old is definitely not for sissy's!

I feel like I have sort of been living at work.  Probably because I sort of have...  Hubs and I driving separate is definitely a double edged sword.  I might not have to go in super early on days I have to work late, but I am finding a whole lot of days its easier to stay later and later. I am not real good at drawing lines. Sometimes I need someone to take out a big crayon and draw them for me.

Tonight marks my third day off.  I feel a bit unaccomplished.  My house is still needing attention, I could vacuum, hang up coats, dust, iron, empty the dish washer, and a few other things.  But... well, I didn't, and if it weren't for knowing that it will be March before I have a day off again... the laundry in the washing machine, well... lets just say I am pretty sure it wouldn't be happening.  Frankly, I'm tired.

God graced us with a beautiful weekend, the kind that are unheard of here in the Midwest in February.  Last week we had snow, this weekend we had a sneak preview of spring.

Very uncharacteristically, I spoiled myself.  I finally had my birthday massage, that was so relaxing - until the next day, note to self... you should never forget that no matter how good you feel you still have fibro.  YIKES!  Had lunch with Hubs and an early afternoon fabulous walk with my girl all before my late afternoon nap, and that was just on Friday!!  It's been a long time since I spent a day like that.

Saturday morning we got up early and took the boys for a walk at the park, after all of Gators trauma we felt he earned a nice stroll in the sunshine before we had a meeting at church. After that the Hubs took me on a mini-adventure.  We went to Historic Washington, Missouri.  He's been dying to take me to a little place called Wimpy's.  Maybe I am just moving out of the phase where I find burgers tasty, but I didn't really like the burger, the fries were awesome though! In all fairness, it could have been the "brain sandwich" on the menu that took my taste for meat away.  Who eats that??  Wimpy's is 81 years old, and it's still in the same place.  From the looks of it, it's probably going to be around another 81, unless a flood carries it away.  Folks were sure packed in there... but seriously... brains?

We then spent the next few hours wandering through little shops, mostly antiques and a few specialty shops. I found a yarn shop, and actually a couple of skeins of yarn that I was seriously coveting (yes, I know thou shalt not covet...) planned to buy them, but after 10 minutes of waiting for the owner to quit talking and wait on me, I left.  Sorry, I don't have time to stand around while you discuss bake sales. Guess she really didn't want to sell any yarn.

We ended yesterday having pie for dinner.  It wasn't the game plan, but 4 different shop owners told us we should have pie at Cowan's.  So... we did.  We weren't expecting such huge slices of pie, so pie and coffee it was. We bought our girl one as a surprise, needless to say it safely fed at 7 or 8 people.

It was an unbelievably early evening after that.  And I slept for 11 hours, I guess I was tired. And it's always easier to sleep after a day of sunshine and warm weather listening to a thunderstorm outside.

Today dawned sunny and warm, I think Hubs could tell by the fact that after a long walk with the boys and soak in a hot tub I wasn't in the mood to do chores.  I simply didn't want to be a grown up. He knows me so well.

So after service, instead of turning right, he went left.  All the way to Historic Kimmswick, I'd never been, and was intrigued. Lunch at the Blue Owl, then a meet up with friend that are part owners in a shop down there led to an afternoon of exploring and laughter.  Just what the doctor ordered.  We browsed through some fantastic little stores.  Found a few odds and ends, bought some tea, wandered through the Christmas Haus (oh MY! haven't enjoyed that so much since Kathe Wohlfahrt in Germany) and finally stopped for a hand made pretzel at the Dough Depot.

Sunshine, laughter and friends.  Does it get any better?

Maybe... except for the fact that Mastodon State Historic Site does not in fact have any mastodon's. But it was a beautiful walk in the sunshine just the same.

Tomorrow will be soon enough, I needed these three days.  I have been neck deep in stress and strain both mental and physical for weeks.  I could feel stress fractures happening in my world. My edges were fraying.

How did you spend your weekend?

I need a break!

It's been a long day...

My little old guy is in pain.  For some reason one of his joints is very swollen.  I will take him to the vet in the morning, pray that it is minor.

I hate seeing him suffer.  It breaks my heart into a million pieces.  He's so low to the ground that lifting it and hobbling on 3 legs isn't really an option.  I know it's aching him, he's sat in my lap all day, wanting it gently rubbed.  I am concerned that he pulled something when he was running around Friday.  You would have thought he was a puppy, not pushing 15.

He'd met me at the door bouncing and wagging everything he could possibly wag!  He's been super playful all week, I even caught him with a toy (this never happens) twice.

But yesterday morning it was a tad swollen, and by the time we came home from Mardi Gras with the girl and her group of friends, it was huge!  Poor baby.

I was up most of the night, worried about him, stressed, looking for him.

He'd finally gotten comfortable on the floor and was sleeping really sound.  I didn't sleep good, worried that I would find him gone, I do that a lot. The way he was laying, stopped my heart.  In the darkness I couldn't see if he was breathing, and when I called his name he didn't respond.  I laid down on the floor beside him. Panic trying to over take me.  Gently placing my hand on his side, praying.  I felt nothing. I am fairly sure I stopped breathing myself.  Then he growled.  Seems he was in a deep sleep and I'd startled him.

I let him go back to sleep.  I tried to do the same.

I know that he's old.  I know that he is sick.  I am simply not ready to let him go.  He's been my baby since 2004, when we rescued him.  Or he rescued us, I'm not sure which way that went.

He's surly and sweet.  There are times that little grouch totally makes me cranky and others that I can't get enough of his sweet little ways.

Today he's needed his mom.  Today, I've sat with him on the couch, snuggled with him on the floor.  I needed the time with him too.

I just wish he wasn't feeling so low.  Neeko ran into him, knocking him over.  It had to be painful, but he didn't yelp.  He just hopped around with it held up looking at me to fix it.  And I can't. He's walking good. Just slow.  Seems to bother him most when he's trying to get up or jump.

This weekend has been such a mix of emotions and almost no sleep.  It's hard to sort it out.

I haven't managed to finish the laundry, but I am working on it.  I am cooking dinner right now and Gator just hobbled in to see if there were any morsels that he was missing out on.

Tomorrow starts a long stretch of work days.  And more worry about the little old guy.

I have therapy in the morning, and I am afraid to jinx myself, but whatever changed on Wednesday, seems to have been a change for the better.  It is barely hurting at all.  Maybe I dodged that surgery bullet after all.  I am hopeful! The therapist has really been working hard to help me avoid it.  I appreciate it more than you can imagine.

Yesterday was full of fun, Mardi Gras with Hubs, my girl and her guy and two of their friends.  I don't normally like crowds and that really wasn't the exception.  We were lucky to be able to be at a private party. We could be inside enjoying the music and not being trampled. I've been the German Octoberfest and never encountered so many over the top drunk folks. YIKES!  But it was about seven hours of revelry in the middle of stress. I needed it.

Well... please say a prayer for my little old guy... I need to go feed the big old guy!

digging down...

Anger, frustration, bewilderment, disbelief, amazement, disappointment and discouraged are all words that describe where my head and heart are today.  And yes I am aware that it is only 5 am.  But when you have been up since 2:38 am trying to rationalize through things that steal your sleep, it is safe to say it's already a day.

Sitting here in the quasi-silence of my home, listening to the hum of the heater, the bubbling of the turtle's filter reminding me that it needs cleaned and refilled today, and the soft thuds of the kitty pouncing around wondering if Mom has become nocturnal, I am pondering.

Hubs is back upstairs trying to find a few more hours of precious sleep.  I am pretty sure that he was surprised to find me in the kitchen at 4 am, cleaning up and scrubbing furiously at things while waiting for my coffee to finish brewing. He'd been awakened just a bit before by unfinished business also, he understood. He knows what rattled my sleep, he can commiserate with me.

Unfortunately, he can't walk the path for me.  He can't give me the words or protect me.

Anyone that truly knows me, knows that I am a very open and honest person.  I don't like everyone, and I don't expect everyone to like me.  I do my level best to treat everyone with respect and empathy.

Life is hard, and NO ONE gets out alive.

It was a long week.  A really long week.  I rarely get sick.  This in itself is a sheer miracle. I work with the public.  Not just the every day public either, I often spend time in close proximity to people that have minimum access even the most basic things that will protect them and others, they often make life choices that set them up for an even tougher road.  Add to that the fact that I live every day with an immune system that has been compromised.  Dang bug...

This week, I got sick. I spent most of Monday night into late Wednesday sort of praying for someone to decide they needed to shoot me.  I actually spent over 24 hours in my jammies, in my bed, curled up with my dogs. And the "nurse cat" lying terribly uncomfortably on top of me, trying to provide comfort, oh the irony! After the toilet and I were able to break up our close personal relationship, I spent another two days boycotting food, willing to eventually sip coffee and nibble on some nut crisps.

I don't much remember Tuesday, the fever was making me hurt so badly that I frankly just slept in tossing and turning fits trying to ignore it.  I remember Hubs trying to convince to go to the hospital.  Um, no thank you!  Do you know what kind of things you catch in one of those places?  I remember my burning eyes trying to focus on the sweet text messages from people that knew I was out sick and were worried.  I remember a few short phone calls.  And I remember pain. Fevers do not mix well with Fibro, ever!

Wednesday was a bit better.  The fever had gone, but the tummy and I were still on the outs! I still had the darn sweats and chills to deal with.  It was rather ironic.  Tuesday I was so dang cold, or so I thought.  I was actually burning up with a fever, but couldn't get enough blankets on me to stop shivering.  By Wednesday my temp had actually dropped below where it should be and my skin felt cold and clammy. I was drenched in sweat.

It was horrid.  I don't often admit to illness or pain.  And I even more rarely give in and let anyone see me down with either.   So between the knee (another source of endless frustration) and then the flu bug, lets just say on the health front its been fail, fail, fail.

None of that is what has me awake at ungodly hours. But it does lead up to it.

I had a full schedule at work this week.  Way too many things to ever consider being ill.  Evidently, a virus fails to check your calendar when planning your demise.  Instead of sleeping Wednesday, instead of being healthy enough to attend an event I was looking forward to, I spent the day working on tying up loose ends. I had brought home a ton of work on Monday, planning to spend the evening catching up, instead of coming down.  Thankfully, I had plenty to keep me occupied and I made the most of the miserable hours on Wednesday in the silence of Hubs man-cave, safely within running (or hobbling if you want to be technical) distance of a bathroom.

I hate to ever feel like I let people down.  Even when I hate a task, and sometimes there are many that I simply cannot abide, if I am asked to accomplish something I will do so.  Be it personal or professional, its important to me.  And on top of being sick, I was worried about not accomplishing all of the things on my list.

The reason I am awake with all that crap eating at me is because I have allowed someone else to get into my head and "live rent free". Someone that doesn't truly know me, but feels they do.  I have allowed someone else to pass judgement based on limited information and facts, and I have accepted it.

I don't like conflict.  I've had enough of it in my life and it doesn't do any good.  No one wins.

I don't like bullies.  I know my weaknesses, I know my strengths.  Just because I don't choose to engage in a battle, doesn't mean it's because I am afraid of the outcome.  It's because I have weighed the pros and cons and determined that battle isn't worth using the limited amounts of energy and strength that I have.  It isn't because you are right and I am wrong.  Maybe neither of us is either of those things.  It's because some battles don't need to be fought.

I don't like being judged. I don't at all mind "constructive criticism", although I find the very words to be harsh and "un"-constructive.  I much prefer to have worthwhile conversations, to explore options and reach mutual decisions and goals. No one is better than I am, no one is worse.  Frankly, we are all equal. Your paycheck might be more or less than mine. Your perceived worth might also be greater or less than mine. The reality is that we all put our pants on one leg at a time.  We are all capable in our own right and way of being great!

I don't have or know all of your life experiences, nor do you know mine.  I don't hold that every person must go to college to achieve greatness, some of the greatest contributors to our world never stepped foot into an "institute of higher learning".  Some career paths require a deeper dive into academia, others not so much, they require life skills and alternate lessons . I don't subscribe to the idea that any one event or experience creates who we are. Reality is we are all created from millions of moments, lessons, thoughts, ideas, actions, and reactions.  Each of us is shaped not by what has happened or been experienced so much as by our reactions to those very things. At least that is what I believe.

Each and everyone one of us has a reason behind the parts of ourselves that we choose to allow others to see.  If I don't let you see all of me, chances are I don't trust you.  If I hold back anything, it is because you have said or done something that has made me feel unsafe around you.  Oh, maybe it is my perception of the "situation", that in my mind and heart has become a reality. Or maybe it isn't my perception.  Maybe it is reality.

This week I had a conversation that has caused great turmoil in my heart and mind. I felt judged, I felt demotivated, I felt discarded. I went in search of support and mentoring, I found metaphors and discouragement.  I discovered that the person I was speaking to didn't know me as a person at all.

Just like most people there are many different layers and facets to me.  I am sometimes a highly cut and deeply defined diamond.  Other times I can appear to be that lump of coal buried deep in the metamorphic rocks, being crushed on my journey to the deepest layers of the earth.  Being shaped, molded, subjected to extreme heat and pressure. Those are all bits and pieces of me.  Just like they are bits and pieces of everyone.

I will always share my strengths for the greater good.  I am willing to allow anyone else to steal my flame to make their own
|}brighter when they need it, I only ask when I need the same benefit it is extended.

My personal life and my professional life at times intersect far too much. At others they overlap and both become blurry and distorted. There are times I fight the devil himself to keep the worlds a million miles apart. I try to never have either half of who I am overwhelm and steal from the other half.  Both of them leave me feeling fulfilled and happy. When they balance.

The me that is content in silence.  Blogging, knitting, gardening, quilting, wood working, painting, spinning, soap making, home making, cooking, riding on the motorcycle with hubs, photographing, creating...  She is a different person than the me that shows up to make a difference for others.  It doesn't mean that I am not passionate about both, it means that both are important for very different reasons. Both are parts of a greater whole. Isn't everyone like that?

That conversation is eating at me... I have to sort it out.  There were interesting things posed in it.  There were challenges made... It is robbing me of sleep and not in a good and powerful way.

Yes... 2016 is going to be an interesting year.  It is going to be a year of surprises, changes and decisions...

happy birthday, my heart!

Good Morning Tuesday!

It's a dreary, cloudy, icky day outside.  Would be perfect for a fire and my coffee and I sit around this morning enjoying my "me" time before I head off to work.  The Hubs even has it ready for me.

One match...

Not happening today.


I am busy cooking up some Sweet and Sour Spareribs for a lunch time celebration!

Today is one of the "B's" birthday!!  I will gladly give up down time to celebrate her always!

This one is my special "B"... She's more than any words that could ever describe her.  I personally feel about her like I feel about the Hubs.  There are people in this life that we are meant to encounter, that make us whole.  She is one of those people for me.

She's been a part of my world far longer than I can remember, even though it hasn't been many years.  I remember the day I met her, clear as a picture on the wall.  I remember falling in love with this amazing soul instantly.  I cannot remember how many years its been, because it feels like she's always been there.

When either of us is on vacation - I miss her.  I can't imagine not having her in my life.  And as I know she is reading this... Don't even think about making me find out!!

She is one of the most genuine, loving, caring, thoughtful, amazing women that the Lord ever put on this planet.  Heck, I even share the Hubs with her!  Although... she does get stuck with the hoodlum side of him. They both share a love of wicked jokes, they are pranksters and always looking for the fun in everything they do.  When he's a poo... I tell her that is her half of the Hubs.

She is one of the very few people I have ever let close.  I tend to keep a bit of a wall up... It's the military brat in me.  She knows my secrets, my stories, my life.  She's dried my tears, comforted me, sat in the hospital with me while I was losing my mind.  She was one of the first I called when my son-in-law died.  I remember sitting up at night with her talking on the phone when her baby brother was sick and she was scared.

This silly, little dynamo has run soothing fingers over my swollen leg, scolded me to the point I expected a switch, ranted and raved with me when life has been just a pain in the... well lets leave it at that.

She is always there for me.  I don't know if I deserve someone in my life that is so amazing, I am not sure that I am worthy.  She is as much a part of my life as my own mother and father.  There are times I feel like she is a mom to me, other times she is my sister, then she is my best friend, or maybe she is simply my heart.

We've spent hours sitting on my deck, talking and enjoying the wild life.  We've laughed over the fact that siren's aren't a typical sound out where I live.  I've worried about her, threatened to kidnap her and force her to live out here in the 'burbs, knowing full well that her city heart would never be able to handle the culture shock.  She only enjoys the deer and critters in small doses.

I have watched her over the years, and been amazed.  She is tough and loving all in one breath.

And my most fieriest protector, supporter, mentor and friend.

There are very few people that I will create for, most don't value and appreciate what it means.  The hours of work and often the very cost.  Too many see those types of gifts as "homemade", as less than.  They don't cherish them.  She does.  She knows that a handmade gift is made with love, that the hours that went into it were many.  She either wears or uses those gifts with love and pride.  I feel bad that this year's gift is store bought.  I think she will like it anyhow.

She is all these things and more, and not just for me.  Just yesterday I watched her spend a few minutes with one of the homeless men.  Life has beaten him up, she is lifting him up.  They were looking on Amazon, he's hurt his back and needs a back support, she is finding a way to help him get it.  She's that kind of person.

This morning when I called to wish her happy birthday, she reminded me that another of our dear friends and his wife both needed a few extra prayers today.

With her for a role model, the sky is the limit! I will never be as good, loving, caring or kind as she is, but I will definitely keep trying to make her proud!

I am so blessed to get to celebrate her!

Nothing I can give will ever be equal to what she means to me.

Although, soon I will drag her back out to the 'burbs, we will spend a wonderful evening sitting on the deck looking up at the stars and maybe even a few hours by the fireplace.  Laughing, talking, sharing, dreaming and sipping a coke with single barrel...

I love you my dear sweet "B"... thank you so much for being a part of my life!!

storm clouds...

Ever have one of those days where you simply can't win?

I seem to be stuck in one of those today.  And the amount of sadness it causes me is unreal.

I don't pretend to be perfect, Lord knows that would cause a lightening bolt or two in my direction.

And I certainly don't always make the right decisions or say all the right things in the heat of a moment. In fact chances are far more likely that I will blow it. I often let my emotions run hog wild with my brain.  I try not to, I truly do, but well... that's just who I am.

And inevitably I end up somewhere in the middle of an emotional mess.   And the part of me that wants everything right, peachy and wonderful.  Well it simply doesn't do well with that.

I never intentionally hurt anyone.  I would never say anything that could cause someone pain.  Because I never want someone to do that to me.

Today started so awesome.  A good night's sleep, the sparkle in Hub's blue eyes, and laughter.  I was sure looking forward to today.

Then a misstep here, a misstep there... And I will be thankful to put my head on my pillow and give up.

I'm sitting here listening to the turtle fountain and the whirring of the washer. The dryer just chimed to let me know it's done and I'm eating a leftover smoothie and a bowl of rice for dinner.  I sure don't like to cook for one.

Hubs is off doing Hubs stuff with the guys.  It's been planned for about a week.  As this isn't a normal thing in our lives it feels awkward and strained.  Drawing out and already too long and bitter day.

Hubs and I are best friends.  I look for him in my day more than anyone else.  And I have often been accused of shutting others out in favor of him.  I was very blessed the day he came into my life.  I honestly felt the other half of me being found.

He and I are often amazed because we think so much alike.  So when we aren't firing on all cylinders, it is miserable.

Every couple has moments.  We aren't the exception. It's rare.  And usually over something incredibly stupid. One of us overly tired, frustrations with work, or ex's... it doesn't make it easier.

I think I am going to wash the dishes, put on my jammies and do a bit of knitting while I watch the X-Files. And wait for this full moon, my smart mouth and hurt feelings to pass away...

sorting through my back pack...

So... last night blog post simply disappeared.  I had been too tired to post it last night, falling asleep while writing.  I had saved it to go back this morning, and then a glitch or something happened and even the saved file simply disappeared.

I wonder if that is the universes way of saying... rethink this...

I have shared that 2016 is all about change and taking charge of my life.  And I am making some incredible steps in that direction.

Someone that I spend a great deal of time with always encourages everyone to empty out our backpacks and re-evaluate if what is in there is something we want to carry with us or just dead weight.  I am not always a big fan of doing things like that.

I won't say it's arrogance, the last thing I would ever think is that I am not carrying around garbage that my life would be better without.  I realize there is a ton of crap in there... it's human nature.

It is more truthful to say that I don't want to face the things that I shoved way down in that back pack (just for the record I don't like to clean out my purse for that very reason either).

I don't like conflict, I don't like facing unpleasantness, I am definitely not a fan of negativity or hurtfulness.  I will avoid a confrontation at all costs.  It's simply not my thing.

I also never put myself first.  (Yes, I am aware that this is a bit of a character flaw).

I like to claim that it is the mom in me, this is probably not a true statement either.  I'm going to say it probably has a whole lot more to do with life is easier in a servant role.  It's less stressful to not stand up for yourself. It's less anxiety inducing when you allow other things to come first.

As I am embarking on this year, leaving 2015 firmly behind, I am having to face things that cause unpleasantness and hurt.

I don't like it. Yet, I am willing and able to do it.

Hubs and I have made serious strides this year into only eating at home or food that we personally have prepared.  Are we perfect? Heck no!  In fact last week included a few meals eaten out.

Life got in the way, it was a bad week.

What we didn't do however is just grab whatever junk was handy.  We made conscious well informed decisions. Inputting it into our Fitbit's before deciding to eat it.  We were mindful. As a result, we are both feeling better, we both saw the scale creep downward.

We both found more energy to deal with the beast that was!

Two weeks ago, my stupid knee roared back to full anger.  I've dealt with serious pain and the inability to use it properly for almost two long years.  Hobbling up and down stairs in an odd gait, an inability to bend it properly, being woken from sleep due to the pain, walking with a profound limp and making sure I wore clothing that could accommodate my "fat leg" are just a few of the unpleasant side effects.

I've dealt with it because there has been too much else on my plate.  Work has had challenges since the flood, Hubs spent almost a full year falling apart on me, I moved... oh I have a whole list of reasons for allowing it to control every aspect of my life.

The Hubs part - is probably the only legitimate one on the list. Both of us, could not be down at the same time.  Who would have taken care of him?  Who would have walked the boys?  Reality... when I returned from Brazil and it stayed swollen for months, I should have pushed harder to find a good doctor.  It might have been healed long before he was down for so very long.

Two weeks ago, the pain and swelling were enough to jolt me out of my stupor.  I was forced to do something to take care of me.  I couldn't think, concentrate, or even rationalize life.  It hurt so much that I, the queen of denial, made a doctor appointment.

I was forced to put it up, I was forced to stop for a few days.  I was forced to use common sense.  I didn't like sitting, I didn't like the need to keep it elevated, and I definitely didn't like waiting endlessly for answers.

Pain and fear are great motivators though.  That and a crazy clever doctor that wasn't going to allow me to work around her orders.  I stressed in the appointment that I had a desk job, that I could modify my day, etc.  All the excuses that I could to avoid letting anyone down.  She told me no. She told me that even at a desk job I wouldn't be able to sit with my leg above my heart for the majority of the day.  Hindsight, she was right.  She waited until the very end of the day on Friday to let me know that there was no blood clot, although there was effusion.

How did this new doc figure me out so quickly.  It was only the second time that she had met me and the first that she had personally examined me.

As fate would have it, the orthopedist was sick the same week and I had to wait until Monday to be seen.

Again I am questioning if the universe or fate is out to teach me a lesson.

Monday was magical.  It was filled to capacity with blessings.  It was long and brutal, but right in the middle was a miracle.  At least to me it was!

Not a fan of needles, even less of a fan of BIG needles.  And I never sign up for any kind of medications, ever.  But after years of pain, a week of steroids and anti-inflammatory medication, and seeing the difference five days of confinement had had, I was was game for just about anything that was promising me success!

The new orthopedist is incredible.  Gentle, understanding, not rushing to cut me up, probing to understand and solution based.  I feel like I found a soul mate.  Someone that had my best interest at heart and not someone focused on a house payment.

As she drained my knee, I could actually feel the pain leaving.  The discomfort of the needle firmly through my knee joint was the only feeling left.  I felt it shrink.  For the first time in years my knees looked like they belonged on the same person.  It wasn't hurting all the way down to my toes.  I could bend it!

I felt ready to take on the world!

I started therapy yesterday, gotta say, not my favorite thing at this point.  My knee was smarting this morning, feeling sort of like it had been smacked hard!

I did my therapy this morning, and I will do it tonight, and I will follow the "torture" religiously! I am craving the feeling that was left after that appointment on Monday.

The week was tough.  Luckily I was physically up to handling it. People out sick, people dealing with family members dying, long hours to make it okay for those people, and then the soul sucking that was left in the emotional wreak that others caused. Emotionally... wow...

Correction... they didn't cause the emotional wreck.  I allowed my own feelings to respond to others in a way that caused it.  I allowed others petty and hurtful words and actions to dictate my own response to them.

This caused me to have some seriously sleepless nights and fight some strong exhaustion.

Thankfully, in the midst of that chaos and maelstrom my girls  (and inadvertently my son from a distance) and my Hubs bailed me out, tossed me a lifeline or two.

One evening in the midst of it all when stress, hurt and anger were threatening to wipe out reason the girls and I spent the evening getting pedi's even including our far away girl on the coast via chat. Pretty sure she did not benefit as much as the three of us did.

The very next evening, Hubs sent me a message that my littlest girl and I were going to get to go see Newsies at the theater!  She and I love to attend shows together and we both put sleep and plans aside for a wonderful evening!

I had friends spend time lifting me up, talking me off of cliffs that I created in my own frail responses to others insensitivity.  I spent serious time re-evaluating my own worth.

Over the holidays in 2015 I emptied my back back.  All the contents were strewn wide for me to sort through. I am still sorting.  As I hold up fragile bits and pieces I am making decisions as to what to repack. It's a slower process than I had hoped.  It has to be handled appropriately.  Because as I am making the decisions needed, there are people and things that will not be going back in.  Some of the decisions are going to be permanent.

I need them to be well thought out.

My goal this year has to be to push aside my own fears and uncertainties.  I have to learn that if I don't take care of myself I am of no value to anyone.  I cannot let hurtful things said or shared about and with me dictate my responses.  I made that mistake this week.  I allowed others to shape me.

Shame on me!

Reality is that this year, I will ruffle a few feathers.  I will disappoint a few folks.  I will not "act" as I have programmed others to expect.  I will be selfish, but not in a mean or spiteful way.

This year, I am chasing my rainbows.  Following my own shooting stars.  I have plans, dreams, hopes and goals.  And for the first time in a LONG time, I get to be the dictator of how they play out.  I am not going to wrap them gently around anyone else, I will align, I will struggle and fight with all those I love and cherish. But this year... I resign my position in support roles, my light needs to burn just as bright.

I will lend my flame to the brightness of others, but I will no longer allow others to steal my flame.  I am going to focus on my health and happiness this year.

And if you can't lend your light to mine without a fear of my success dimming yours, then I'm sorry, I must love you from afar.

As the sun woke me this morning after a second night of almost twelve straight hours of sleep, I simply felt the power to go on...

thoughts on a snowy eve

I should be sleeping.

I have to be up in just 6 short hours.

But... it's been a day and as I am sitting here enjoying watching these large, fluffy, snow flakes that have started to fall... I am having a hard time deciding to head to bed.

I worked this morning for one of my staff that is out ill, so I headed east in the early morning hours to open the building by 5 am.  As I was making the coffee and conversing with our long time members I was reminded of the joy I feel with this mixed group of people.

I enjoy their stories, the conversations are always had in big bold strokes.  Some of them have been members of my Y for over a generation.  We've been around 90 years now, we have the time to savor their stories.  I spent almost 6 months working that shift when I was searching for the right employee to pass the baton to.  I found him.  But in the process I had to give up something that was enjoyable.

I gave up the time with the morning gang. Coffee drinking, story telling, some of them outgoing enough for the entire crowd, other's quiet and reserved more like me.  I hate that my staff member is sick, but I needed that jolt to my system.  They remind me why I do the work I do.

So many of that morning crowd are houseless, I won't say homeless, because I believe after getting to know so many of them that they have a home, it's our Y and our family is their family. With it's lumps and bumps, they are genuine and caring, for the most part they are all trying to get a little further along in life.  I won't say on a bitter cold morning like today that they are not a bit begrudging of a nice warm bed or a fire to sit by. They are supportive of one another, looking out for each other, and so protective.

Some of them are battling demons that we cannot image.  Be it drugs, alcohol, the horrors of mental illness, veterans that haven't quite found their way home from what they have seen and experienced. Some of them have simply made the choice to live unshackled.

Then there are the business men and retirees, some of them are veterans also.  The ones that seek shelter from the fact that we are a predominately adult Y, that the scars of life are not there in the open to prying eyes.  There are doctors, lawyers, soldiers, judges, teachers, college professors, there are men and women that are simply there for health, and others that are there to bond and build a community.

It was so wonderful to renew those friendships, to surprise them by knowing their names after a couple of years without daily contact. It was fun to talk to them about their pets, their hopes, their dreams.  To remind them to bundle up and to take care of their coughs and sniffles.  To ask about their families and how their work outs have been going.

The day was not without hiccups.

But it managed to have many more bright spots in it.

Followed by this beautiful blanket of snow.

I find a snow peaceful.  I love the beauty that is brings to the world.  The tranquility.

 I was not ready for it. It's been so mellow and only recently have we dealt with a bitter snap of cold.

I am concerned it will keep some of my long lost morning friends away tomorrow or worse harm some of them that were unable to find shelter for the night.

My eyes are getting heavy, so I am heading up to bed.  I just wanted to share how very blessed I am.  I didn't find my career, I didn't search it out.  It found me.  There are days and even moments in beautiful days that I hate parts of it with a passion.  And then the beauty that happened many times today, made it so worthwhile!

Look for your blessings in the tiny things.  They are always there you simply have to look. In the midst of storms there is hope and love.   I am blessed for the love I find around me.