roads not traveled...

Another Monday.  A promise of rain.  A promise of lower temperatures.  And always the promise of better things to come. 

I haven't felt like writing for a variety of reasons.  I'm angry, I'm actually flat out pissed off and I am afraid that I will violate my own rules for my blog.  So I've been sitting silently and stewing on my thoughts and feelings. Trying to decide if speaking my truth will do the very things I have avoided doing for a long time. 

I've also been trying to be busy and helpful around the house.  I am able to move so much better and I am looking forward to my appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. Each day I am able to walk more like a human and less robotic, I am able to stand for longer periods of time, I am able to do more and more around the house.  I have actually been cooking at least 50% of our meals again.  Talk about feeling accomplished.  I'm still struggling with how much longer it takes me to do things right now, the slowness, the need to rethink everyday tasks.  But each day, I feel far more empowered and capable. 

I ran out of sleep around 3 am today, I tried diligently for an hour to fall back asleep, but the world and life were insistent that they were taking over my thoughts. At 4 am I gave up.  Hubs was awake, there was no reason to lie there and pretend that my mind wasn't moving at the speed of sound, finding more and more to ponder when I was pleading with it to hush. But I had slept for 7 hours, the exhaustion from yesterday had me sound asleep by 8. 

So much was accomplished over the course of the weekend, that if felt like far more than 2 short days.  Sweet Hubs got to take his boat out for his maiden fishing trip.  He had wanted to wait for me, but that hardly seemed fair or reasonable.  Instead he spent the wee hours of Saturday down at Trout Lodge with his buddy "slaying them".  The change in his attitude was evident immediately.  I hated not being able to join them, even to just sit on the dock and enjoy the beauty around me, but I knew it was asking too much from a leg that I had already been pushing the limits on. 

I took advantage of the time to finish up one of my hand worked blocks and let my leg rest.  It needed it. It's odd how sometimes being here at the house alone feels like a prison sentence.  I want nothing more than to be able to leave, to go and be part of the life I feel is happening outside my door.  And other times, it feels like a precious gift.  A sanctuary that feels protective, warm and safe. 

I guess I am moving firmly into that chop wood and carry water phase of life.  

I've had to turn off all news and television.  My heart is aching too much.  I am angry.  Thirteen young lives are over.  Most of those young troops that lost their lives weren't even old enough to have their first legal drink.  Funny, we can ask you to shed blood for our country, but our country doesn't feel you are old enough to have a cold one after work - I mean come on you can't possibly be mature enough to handle that before 21. 

There are many times that I get way in my feelings where our government is concerned.  I get so pissed off that people will trade "security" for freedoms.  I become numb when I start to consider it. I would rather be a free human, making my own life choices (good, bad or indifferent) than be a part of a society that marches in lock step at our leaders commands.  For years, I have quietly watched (well unless you are one of my very dear friends that knows my heart).  For years, I have played the game.  I'm getting damn tired of playing the game. 

I am a military brat, former spouse and wife of a veteran.  To me the blood spilled in Afghanistan is family blood.  There are far too many unanswered questions that people are closing their eyes and minds to that make this far less a tragic "accident" and far more likely a planned or assisted event.  

Thirteen families are altered forever.  Thirteen brave young people are gone.  Because of what?  Stupid decisions.  I'm sorry when you are the leader of the country you don't get to make stupid decisions. 

I still am not at a point that I can clearly process any of this.  The fact that it is even happening is surreal.  The fact that people are not opening their eyes, questioning what is before them, boldly asking what the hell is going on?  I am stunned.  I am in shock.  I am mute. 

Each time I see a table set and reserved for those thirteen individuals my eyes fill with tears, my heart breaks a bit more. And yet we continue to let our leaders - the people that should be speaking for us, but aren't even remotely doing it, talk over the hurt and sadness. 

August 26, a mere 4 days ago.  With credible intelligence that it was going to happen.  Oddly enough the current leader of our country had mentioned that ISIS would be a threat very soon, just days before they were. Yet we couldn't even respectfully ask for flags to be lowered in their honor for a full 24 hours.  How hard is that?  We seem to lower them non-stop anymore, for anyone. There is simply too much that fails to remotely make sense. 

I can't change any of it right now. I can pray for the families affected by this.  I can fuss and fidget over the stupidity that is swirling around me.  I can wonder at the level of disconnection that people are displaying.  We've become so caught up in the everyday world, in the sleep, work, eat, sleep world that we somehow feel is what we are here for that we are missing so much of what is going on around us. 

I have strong feelings regarding so much of what is going on in this crazy world right now, but at the same time, I feel my voice is powerless. 

So again back to chopping wood and carrying water. 

I will continue to stand strong in the things that matter to me, I will continue to push where I can, and walk away from things that do NOT serve me and my family. I will continue to pray, because God is far more powerful than all of this. And I will continue to have hope for mankind.  I don't believe any of what is going on is just an American problem, I firmly believe it is a global problem.  We are being led somewhere that we will one day wake up in shock and wonder how we got there. Or maybe so many have already given up their God given freedoms to the point that they will be happy with where they are headed. 

Just like a frog in a slowly warming pot of water, he will eventually die from it, but because it is so gradual he never notices. 

I know this is disjointed.  I know it is rambling.  I am truly trying to wrap my head around a world and country that I do not recognize. 

Thank you for reading, if you are a prayerful person - the world needs you now more than ever.  

I think I am going back to cleaning... I don't have the heart to stay where my mind is right now.... 

in the void...

As the sun started to break over the horizon this morning Hubs and I sat silently in the treetop garden.  Watching all of our beautiful little feathered friends starting their day. The hummingbirds were the star attraction this morning.  When I had walked out on the deck to water the garden, I stood silently and watched mama hummingbird for a few minutes.  She wasn't afraid of me, nor was she concerned that I was so close to her food.  She was happily flitting back and forth, fussing at the bee that had discovered their feeder, and definitely not wanting to share with him. 

She rushed away as I got my camera, isn't that always the way, so I took advantage of that time to water and fuss with my garden.  It looks so much better now that I have had the time and energy to work on it a bit. Hubs was a sweetie and took care of the front plants.  The high temperatures have definitely been testing their fortitude these past two weeks.  

Having finished the chores it was time to relax, to enjoy our little paradise and watch our friends.  Today, the hummingbirds are definitely in rare form.  Mama enjoyed quite a bit of solo time, eating to her hearts delight.  She even sat on the string of lights several times.  I find her humorous.  Papa hummingbird on the other hand is definitely in a grouchy mood today, he keeps chasing her away from the feeder, quite aggressively.  I've never seen two hummingbirds fight, but let me tell you those two are definitely quarreling today.

As the bees have located the feeder, I think we are going to have to get another feeder for the hummers.  I don't want to chase away the bees, they need the support also, but I do so enjoy the hummers and I don't want the bees to chase them away either.  I've noticed on almost all of the social media sites that people all over our community are struggling with the same thing.  

Sitting in the silence watching them, catching glimpses of the beautiful pink sunrise peaking through the trees, promising another super hot and humid day, I felt such peace. 

The peacefulness is a bit shocking for me.  So much is going on that it feels like life is coming at us all hard and fast.  It feels like there is never time to catch your breath from one thing to another.  If it isn't happening to me personally, it is happening to the people that I care about. The world feels like it is flying from one crisis to another, and we are all kind of sitting in the middle of this storm just doing our best to stay centered and calm. 

Every time I have taken a breath lately, it feels as though something else pops up.  Filling up my calendar with things that don't fill my heart.  For the second time since living in Missouri, I've been called for jury duty.  It won't be until the end of September, but I am not excited about it.  I get civic duty and all, I just know those types of situations stress me out.  And since I haven't had to wear my "people" face for a long time, I feel it will be one of those "I can't people" situations.  I'm not going to focus on it, but I am not excited.

Yet the fact that I am finding such peacefulness in life is a blessing. When I had my last reading a bit ago, she told me the one message I should take from it all was to go with the flow, to be calm.  It must have really struck a cord, because even when I find myself starting to feel overwhelmed, I draw myself back.  I stop, I process and I have faith. 

In so many areas of life right now I feel that many of the people I love are being called to simply have faith.  I think the thing that amazes me, is that almost to the person, they are.  They aren't sitting in the rocking chair of worry.  They are focusing more on that chop wood and carry water mentality.  I'm right there with them. 

I'm excited to dive in and really kick start my quilting business.  I want to get my new longarm and really get moving.  And yet inside is the quiet voice that is telling me have patience.  Everything comes in it's own time.  The more I listen to that voice, the more the world feels right.  I don't feel stressed.  I'm not anxious.  I am peaceful.  I am enjoying this slower pace.  The wonder that comes with slowing down and spending a quiet morning watching hummingbirds.  While speaking in whispered tones to my sweet Hubs as we enjoy the moment and try not to disturb them.  

I pray each day that everyone, not just my loved ones, is finding a way to that peace.  There is simply too much hurt, betrayal and ugly in the world right now. That so much of the fear, worry, hatred that is popping up is being forced on us, to create those feelings, the very opposite of peace. But if everyone could step back, take a deep breath and try to look at things from all angles we might just find that we are all hoping for the same exact thing.  

For peace, love, respect, joy, community, hope, calm... oh this list is endless... I think I'm going to go see if my hummingbird couple are over their spat and just take a bit more time to slide back into peaceful oblivion. 

Love and peace all...

normal on deck...

Poof! Just like that the "recovery room" returned to the guest/ice box room.  Hubs LOVES that air conditioning unit in there and when he gets overheated that is his go to hideout.  Frankly, it's a tad too cold for me.  My toes are still freezing from my stay in there. 

I had intended to put the guest room back together last night.  I had a bit of a rough day yesterday, due to lack of sleep and pushing a bit hard over the previous days.  So instead, I lounged in my bed.  Not the guest room, mine!  It was pure heaven! And it sealed the deal for me, I was moving back across the hall.  I was sleeping in my own spot last night.  

One of the dearest young men I know came for dinner last night.  I will always cherish his entrance into my life and the joy of working with him for almost a year and a half.  He is getting ready to leave back home and Hubs and I were honored to spend many hours talking with him last night, sharing a meal (which I was so excited to help with and harvest some veg from the garden for) and day dreaming.  It was wonderful.  

We shared shots of the most amazing hazelnut liquor that his mom sends him from home and talked about places that we love to travel to and visit.  We made plans for Hubs and I to someday (when the world returns to normal) travel back to Germany to visit with him.  We talked about his hopes for the future and our future plans.  

It was incredible! We also started plans for a going away party before he leaves the country.  All our treasured friends together again for one night. As soon as I have the date we will definitely start planning.  I miss them all so very much! They are scattering to the winds like beautiful dandelion seeds, off to spread to other areas and other dreams. 

It was late when he left, so I never quite got around to the room, I just moved my pillows back to my bed and snuggled in.  Even if my ceiling fan died while I was recovering, it was pure paradise to be back in my space. 

As I stretched awake this morning I felt energized and rested, something that I hadn't realized I was missing. I felt like tackling the world.  And from the ache in my knee right now I might have.

It felt so empowering to disassemble the "recovery room"  to vacuum out the tracks left from the walker, to tidy all the medications and gather up the piles of things sitting around to entertain me.  I didn't do a great job at making the bed, but flexibility isn't my strong suit right now. We still need to center the bed again, as it had to be moved to a strange angle to accommodate the walker.  If felt wonderful to put all of the tools of the last few weeks away.  I'm not willing to part with them, the reality of age is that we may need them again.  But for now they are stored away, wrapped in prayers of never needing them again. 

After completing the guest room and while enjoying coffee in the darkness before dawn in the treetop garden I started to look at my poor neglected garden.  It took me roughly 3 hours with all the breaks needed, but every pot has been weeded, the plants that have finished their life cycle have been removed, down the hill to compost and provide shelter for the winter hibernation of critters. Next year's garden will be very different and I am working on determining what deck based herbs will move into rail based beds.  

I also spent a bit of time talking to the birds, the little hummingbirds are definitely showing up and making their presence known.  I wish they didn't move so fast, I would love to have a picture.  And as I was cleaning out the lettuce bed I noticed two small brown feathers with bright red tips, super fluffy and soft.  I am guess one of our babies that frequent the feeders was molting his baby feathers getting prepared to soar in the skies with his siblings and friends. 

It was a bit tiring, but it is so amazing to actually feel like a contributing part of our family again.  Not so needy, only a little bit.  As Hubs fixed my watering system for the garden, I was able to hose down some of the debris that falls out of the garden (usually with the help of our local neighborhood squirrel) and start the end of summer clean up. 

Sweet Hubs is following me around with my cane, he's so afraid still that I might fall.  I am actually far steadier without it.  I think it provides me with a false sense of security, and I find myself leaning into it instead of my leg.  He has taken his job as caregiver so very seriously. 

I've already decided the treetop garden will morph next year into less of a vegetable garden and more of an English garden filled with herbs and useful flowers.  I will spend the winter exploring the most hardy versions of everything and where I want to plant them.  Now that we have our camper, I want to be able to leave without the worry of who will water the veggies.  It will still be beautiful and useful, just not so needy. 

I am so looking forward to camping again.  I would love to go this weekend, we haven't got any plans and it's supposed to be pretty lovely out.  I just don't think I am quite ready to climb in and out and handle the various parts of being out in the camper.   It's a bit soon. I haven't even been in the truck for longer than 30 minutes, I guess I should tackle that first. 

So instead of enjoying the tail end of summer we are going to focus on chores around the house.  I have a couple of quilts to work on and Hubs has some house cleaning chores (pressure washing the house) that have been lingering.  I have to admit, that I love pressure washing and wish I felt strong enough to attempt it for him.  Although with us you never know and we might find ourselves doing something different all together!

It's time to snuggle in my blanket and sit peacefully doing some needlework.  My knee needs the rest, like I said I might have pushed too hard, and my hands need to be busy.  As does my mind. 

Peace and love!

accept the help...

Three weeks... almost on the dot.  I had just hit the recovery room exactly three weeks ago.  As I was standing up working on a small pile of ironing just now, I was marveling at how far I've come in three very short weeks. 

I am far from independent.  There are moments that my cane is my friend and my bed is an even better friend.  But most days I am able to walk independently of Hubs or the cane.  I can manage to navigate spaces and each day I am standing for longer periods of time.  

I can't say I sleep great, but I am sure that is a combination of several things.  I am one of those people that go to sleep in one position and rarely shift in the night, FYI - a leg recovering from major surgery is not a fan of staying in one position for more than 4 - 5 hours.  At which point it will wake me and force me to reconsider my sleeping choices.  Additionally, I miss my bed, each day I practice climbing in and out of it, I am hopeful by this weekend I can return to my personal nest.  I need my calming blues, my fans - not air conditioners, and the deeper darkness the back of the house provides. I also think that my new found habit of napping whenever the mood hits me is definitely not helping my ability to sleep more than 6 hours a night.  

Sweet Hubs is a very early riser, so we have had some great opportunities to enjoy each other's company.  Sitting in the treetop garden watching the world wake up.  Strolling for my walk in the wee hours of the morning, looking for shooting stars and admiring the beauty around us. And just talking.  I cherish time with this guy!

But most importantly, I am returning to feeling like a contributing human.  I am even slightly able to assist with meal prep and the like. 

Oh don't get me wrong, I still have massive fussy moments.  Where the frustration of wanting to do something completely overwhelms my rational mind and forces me into a pretty dark funk. I hit that spot a few times this past weekend.  It was beautiful out.  Hubs was doing yard work, and puttering around the house.  I was feeling useless. 

That sweet man does not believe in a no win situation.  Instead of telling me to simply enjoy resting, to sit a bit more and look longingly out the window, each day he found things that I could navigate, I could participate in and enjoy.  

He took me with him on errands and I figured out how to use the silly carts at the various shops we needed things from.  I can't say all of them instilled confidence and as someone that will only need them temporarily, I worry for those people that need to rely on them long term.  Maintenance people, geez.  

Instead of going into Michaels to pick up the few threads that I needed for my quilt block (which truthfully would have been much faster for him) he took me to pick it myself.  I knew I wouldn't be in there long and that I didn't need to go far, so my hardheadedness led me to simply walk slowly with my cane to my threads.  I did concede and let Hubs bend over for them, but let me assure you it was a difficult concession.  

I am not sure why it is so hard to ask for and accept help.  I used to get so mad at him for not allowing me to give him assistance as he dealt with both hip replacements and the battle with staph that came between.  I would be infuriated with his refusal for help when he desperately needed it.  Yet, here I am being the same ornery brat. In fact most folks I know will not ask for nor willingly accept help. Why do we do that?

I suffered a bit for my determination, but it was worth it, each day that I push through and push just a bit more I gain more movement and more independence.  I was only able to manage 100 yards the first walk down the road and back.  The last walk was 300 yards.  Each day a bit more opens up to me. 

I am a total outdoors freak if you haven't figured it out yet.  Not a fan of the extreme heat, but any chance I have to be outside fills my very life force.  Until yesterday I still wasn't strong enough to spend much time in my gardens and the tiny view from my assortment of chairs was definitely not fitting the bill.  So my sweet Hubs took me to Lone Elk Park.  I love to travel through and enjoy the beauty and solitude.  Searching through the vast openings in search of the deer, elk and bison can entertain me for hours. 

And this time it almost did.  As hot as it was you would not have anticipated so much activity from the occupants, but they were super busy!  The deer, elk and raccoons felt it was a great day to slowly parade up and down the roads, stopping traffic to admire their independence and pray that they didn't decide to ram your vehicle instead of pleasurably strolling past.  

The lake hasn't really recovered, but seems to be holding it's own, which is so important for those sweet animals and their survival.  We watched quite a few swirls, so at least some occupants of the lake survived the sink hole.  

The bison never cease to amaze me and we found most of them all gathered together in a deep shaded valley, not at all looking bothered by the 95+ temperatures.  The babies were so adorable, alternating between lying and standing, a couple were even rolling in the dust, trying to get rid of those pesky flies. 

The elk are something else all together.  There are often groups of them scattered randomly throughout the park.  We didn't see any of the really big guys with their full rack of antlers, who knows how deep into the stillness they had gone in search of relief.  We found a small group of ladies cooling in the shade overlooking the lake and a couple of other's off on their own adventures.  The little youngster just growing into his legs and antlers was hysterical and definitely had me sliding back into my seat a little further as he considered sticking his head in the window for a moment. 

I will probably never be brave enough to go to Lone Elk Park and have a picnic or hike.  I have a healthy respect for wild animals in their own space, I also don't do ticks, and the plethora of signs warning of heavy tick infestation is enough to insure I don't leave our truck. 

It's silly how something so simple as enjoying animals and nature can bring one back to center, but as usual it did.  I enjoyed spending time with Hubs enjoying the wildlife, the beauty of the surroundings and simply time together.  I know he had a ton of stuff he wanted to get done, so the fact that he went out of his way to make my weekend less confined was deeply appreciated. 

Shortly today I am going to head into my studio (I like how that sounds), I have several projects that need my attention and I am finally feeling mobile enough to start. I have to modify the way I will handle some of it, as I can't stand for very long, and ironing large pieces often requires that.  I'm pretty clever and I am sure I will figure out the way to modify it, I'm nothing if not creative and persistent. 

Lessons learned lately... accept the help... 

blessings...

My oh my what a week it's been!  I am so blessed in this lifetime by wonderful family and friends.  Last week when I was at my lowest, the strain of being isolated, alone and unable to do much for myself was wearing me down, I'd shared that. It was insane how quickly my calendar filled up.  

This week has involved a call to a far away friend, too far to grab even a cup of coffee with at this point and time, but filled with promise and hope.  Seems they might be driving right past me in the not too far distant future and I might be able to see them and grab a hug if nothing else.  Something to fill the void until we are able to spend a bit longer together. I am definitely hoping this comes to pass and working on my strength so that even if it involves a drive of any distance, I will be able to make it happen.  I miss my sister by heart. 

Another dear friend came and spent an entire day entertaining me.  At least that was how I saw it, I am sure that she had so much to do, but she unselfishly gave me five glorious hours of her life.  We hadn't spent time physically together in a very long time, between my previous work schedule, shutdowns and well life... we'd only managed to promise lunch or some time together and chat online or on the phone.  In those beautiful hours we caught up, we laughed, we worked through so shared memories that held a bit of pain and sadness and agreed that it was okay to walk away from that pain - allowing it to heal. We talked about the future, about fears, about hopes and dreams. She even ran to acquire lunch for us, since Hubs got tied up and I was still only 2 weeks out of surgery.  It was wonderful.  She's checking her schedule (mine is pretty darn clear) to see when she might be able to come hang out again, maybe work on a project.  I'm excited about the possibilities. 

I have a very dear friend, that lives fairly close, who I miss seeing on the daily.  We used to work together, now I am chasing other dreams and she is still navigating the current stream of life that she is in.  I miss our morning coffee and catch up.  I hate calling her, because I do know what her life is like the chaos and confusion of each day.  Yet she checks in on me all the time.  We chat electronically throughout the day, although it is when she is able to call or come over that I cherish the most.  We are sort of evil twins, we live in a world filled with similar thoughts and ideas.  I cherish this woman!

Wednesday found us swarmed with love!  

My girls all showed up, it always fills my heart to over-flowing, I cannot believe that my sweet mini-me is getting ready to start the tenth grade.  I'm still stunned by that.  Shouldn't she still be that adorable little cherub that I have spent many hours enjoying silly songs, conversations, sewing and cooking with? Our tiny dragon spent time playing grandma's singing bowls, I wish I had gotten a picture of her so deeply engrossed in making beautiful music. Her mom did, I should have asked for a picture.  I was enjoying the moment and didn't grab the camera.

As the day moved forward it found us sitting in the treetop garden enjoying wine and charcuterie with the girls for a moment and one of my absolute favorite people!  We'd long been promising a catch up in the garden, and it was perfect!

He's such a dear person, full of love, life and joy.  I will forever be thankful that he wandered into the old Downtown Y over four years ago.  Fate brought this wonderful friend to my life, and I am so thankful for it. He is that rock when you need one, confidant and friend, he is someone that shares hope, laughter, love, joy, sadness and a zillion other feelings as naturally as some will share the time of day or weather.  He is someone that naturally reaches out to help all around him and shares his knowledge and gifts freely.

We chatted for hours, even after the girls decided it was time to head home, we talked of plants, birds, art, friends and what felt like a million other fascinating topics.  Hubs gave him a tour of my studio and the collection of messes that need my attention - or maybe my ability to address the chaos.  

Only through his eyes ❤

This morning he shared a photo with me that he took.  It was one of my thread holders, it completely cracked me up.  Only he would look at my chaos and find something worth recording and sharing.  I love seeing the mundane through his eyes.  I am still laughing and finding joy in the simple picture about.  

I have spoken with my sister several times, she is one of the strongest women I know.  In fact, I gotta say she probably gets the family prize for strength and unconditional love.  I admire that about her.  She's holding the line for so many right now, I wish I could give her more of my strength, somehow provide a transfusion.  As that is impossible, I hope that I am helping fill her reserves and that she knows she can always lean into me to boost her up!

It has been an inspiring week. 

Yesterday I made a conscious decision to stop living in bed.  I got up and refused to go back until I was too weary to go on.  I sat up, I walked, I stitched, I migrated from room to room.  I finished our ironing and even managed to stand long enough to fold a load of clothing.  

I am ready to be human again. 

Today I crossed another bridge in my process of recovery.  

Today I decided it was time to start transitioning to the cane.  I couldn't sleep in the wee hours of the day, and heard Hubs moving around - he'd slept almost 9 hours, so I wasn't surprised. As I sat with him sipping coffee, he first suggested the treetop garden would be a beautiful spot to finish our morning coffee.  I couldn't have agreed more.  Watching me moving about he asked if I wanted my cane instead of the walker. 

I was scared.  Warning bells seemed to scream for about a nano-second and then I joyfully said yes.  I was ready. Truth be told I'd hardly used my walker the day before, I'd kept it close at hand, but hadn't relied on it to move around. 

I cannot begin to describe the powerful feeling of independence that comes with trading in two wheels and two additional legs to become a tripod.

I had no problem navigating the house with him standing near by, the walker still readily available if I started to feel overwhelmed. I was antsy sitting there drinking coffee, anxious to step out on my own.  I puttered easily in my garden.  I walked in and out of the house, eager to feel my own power. 

I don't know if Hubs could read my mind, but he asked if I wanted to try a short walk outside.  It was dark, the sky was a breathtaking deep blanket covered with sparkling starts. Of course I wanted to.  I was absolutely aching inside to attempt it. 

As I walked along, he stayed within reach, often allowing me to grasp his fingers with my free hand.  It wasn't for support, it was out of love and joy.  We walked along in the beautiful morning silence, softly talking and marveling at the beauty above us.  As we strolled down the middle of the street, to avoid all of the sprinkler systems, I marveled at it all. 

My blessings overflow.  I am surrounded by people I love and they are willing to spend time out of their busy lives with me.  I am able to walk without pain for the first time in so very long, I was able to stroll in the early morning hours on an almost moonless morning with the love of my life. 

I firmly believe that our lives are how we choose to see them. I choose to live in gratitude and love, I choose to look for the blessings. 

becoming me again...

Thank you family and friends for being my lifeline through these strange healing times.  Much love!

tangents...

I am really enjoying this mild bit of morning weather we are having.  The cooler temps mean coffee in the treetop garden each morning.  Sweet Hubs has it down to a science, including what footstool and pillow to bring so that I can spend the most time possible out there. 

I might have slept in a bit this morning, so I missed the sunrise, although sleeping for the majority of almost 10 hours was a true blessing.  I feel rested and energized today. Which is good news I have company coming today. I can't wait!

I even managed to navigate the edges of the garden this morning and care for a few of my plants.  I am going to have Hubs help me string up one of the red peppers to dry by this weekend.  It's the only one truly ready to pick, so it will air dry.  The rest might dry in the dehydrator. There are about 6 of them that will all be ready in the same window of time. 

It felt good to be able to do some of my "normal" stuff this morning.  I will even admit to doing a bit of my normal stuff yesterday, now that Hubs knows and I won't get into trouble.  I managed to figure out how to do a lot of my ironing, and he was such a sweetie about putting it away.  It felt so calming to sit there and gently coax weeks worth of wrinkles out of the fabric.  To feel like I was nurturing and caring for sweet Hubs, giving and not just receiving.  My guilt about not getting it done before surgery was evidently stronger than I realized. I might try to finish up today, we'll see.  Like I said, I have company coming and I am quite excited about that. 

I had gone almost 24 hours without doing the intense part of my therapy when I did it yesterday.  Note to self, don't do that!  I am now committed to making sure I don't miss a single one. Because 12 hours is a long time, even if it doesn't seem like it and 24 is an eternity when you are trying to reeducate your muscles. Last night's therapy was brutal and the aftermath felt like day one again.  I need to keep that first and foremost in my mind.  It wasn't that I didn't want to do it, frankly it feels amazing while I am doing it (afterwards - well... that's a bit of another story). I was exhausted the night before and fell asleep before doing my therapy and then Sweet Hubs had to leave so early and I wanted a shower more than I wanted therapy.  Frankly, I figured it wasn't a huge issue to push it off.  Lesson learned. 

I also discovered yesterday, that no matter how tired I start to feel while sitting here, if I just get up and move around I find energy.  Armed with my hand-stitching beside me, I spent the day pleasantly forcing myself to stay awake.  And I made it until almost 8 pm.  The big girl lessons helped me sleep good last night.  Although, I never realized that my upstairs simply isn't that large.  It always felt HUGE, but when you are walking in circles, it isn't. 

Patience... two weeks ago I was a quarter of the way through my surgery. Today, I was in my garden having coffee.  I am learning to be calmer and to have more patience.  Not sure I am there yet, but I sure as heck am trying!

I caught a glimpse of the news yesterday.  My heart ached.  So much is going crazy and wonky in our world.  So much is the fault of people not giving respect, compassion and understanding.  I feel we have a few too many powerful people that simply want to play God.  They want to decide, force, create what works best for them and the rest of the world is expected to play a supporting role to their grandiose visions. 

My heart is breaking for the situation in Afghanistan.  And maybe not in the way one would think.  I am not an Afghan, I don't know what their hearts want.  Maybe they feel comforted being "ruled", be it by a government supported by outside troops or by the Taliban.  I don't know. The fact that little resistance has been mounted to prevent what has occurred leads me to believe their hearts were not in it. 

That is neither here, nor there.  My heart is breaking for the thousands, upon thousands of lives that have spent the better part of 20 years fighting for and protecting a space of land so far from our own country.  For the young men and women that have given unselfishly, at the request of their country, far too many paying the ultimate price and even more that live with the scars of it all every day. 

I am angry. 

I'm angry because the more I learn, the more I am opposed to our intervention in any wars. Did it keep us safe?  Who knows, I am inclined to believe there are deeper questions that need to be answered before we will ever know. 

I know far too many of the people that bravely defended this country's wars too many times when it seems to be nothing more than a political game.  This feels no different. 

Sitting here in bed, I have far too much time to think, to ponder, to question.  Too look deeper than the media talking points (have you noticed that all of the channels say the same things at almost the same time?).  I am questioning the value of so much loss. 

Honestly, I am probably not the type of person that should have this much time.  At any rate, I have been praying extra hard for those that unselfishly have served our country in this latest political game.  I have been sending them tons of healing love and light.  They are true heroes.  Our troops have always been our pawns in a global game of chess. They are the ones that give all, we lose them daily to suicide because what we as a country selfishly asked is more than they can stand. 

Sorry, guess I getting off on a tangent here.  I just get so angry. And I fear for them.  Too much feels like echo's of the past.  Too many fragments of history are peaking through this current situation. 

Too many times as a military brat I have witnessed what is happening now.  To the older generations, to my own generation and to the younger ones.  I have classmates that perished defending what our politicians decided was important, stirring people into a fever pitch of patriotism for their desires.  I have watched my children's classmates leave for parts unknown, they came back, but as different people. Sweet Hubs and my ex both stepped up to the call, both experienced things that altered and changed them. For what end? Or better yet, for whose end?

We are sneaking up on the twentieth anniversary of 9/11.  Are the current world events setting the stage for another crisis?  Another rallying call for young American's to rush to the world stage and lay down their lives? My faith is getting thin, my trust of the selfishness of politicians is wearying. 

I am trying to focus on the mundane right now.  Trying to deliberately draw inward.  Because I cannot impact the world.  I can impact myself, my family, my dearest and closest friends and family.  I can give love and understanding unconditionally.  I can encourage them to do the same. 

Can you imagine the impact if we all focused on doing good?  Doing things that impacted the here and now? Not globally, not something the media is telling us to look at and do, but what our own hearts and eyes are telling us needs done. 

Think about the impact. 

Instead of fussing at a neighbor for their lawn being too deep, maybe offer to mow it, who knows they might be dealing with a huge issue at work, in health, or it might be as simple as their mower broke and they haven't been able to get it fixed. If we notice a neighbor not around much, maybe checking in. 

I miss the world of the front porch.  I miss knowing when someone needed help.  I miss using our own skills, time and talent to help each other, not hurt each other.

I personally do not believe our world is in as bad of shape as the media wants us to believe.  As politicians push the narrative to make us believe.  When you turn off access to those things, you find yourself thinking far more locally.  You notice things. 

The Afghan people will decide for themselves what world they want.  As it should be.  If it is important to them, they will rise up and push back.  If it is not important, if they are comfortable in the world that is theirs than it is not our issue. 

What is our issue, is caring for those nearest to us. 

I remember when my girl was in fifth grade and she noticed one of her classmates never seemed to have clean or well fitting clothing.  She found out what the issue was (single mom, living in a tiny trailer with no washer/dryer and very few resources) and she took it upon herself to solve the problem. Each day she would take another outfit from her closet and take them to the young lady to wear.  She was always careful to take things that she'd outgrown, so I wouldn't notice them gone, and she'd meet her in the bathroom before class so that she could change unnoticed. 

I remember being so proud of her.  She wasn't doing it for attention, just the opposite, she was doing it in secret.  But she cared.  She's grown into a crazy, lovingly insane woman that still does those very things.  Her family is a collection of those she's birthed, those she's rescued and those she's absorbed.  The one thing I will always say, is it is full of love, compassion and joy. 

Especially right now, be aware of those around you.  Take notice.  Are they hurting?  Are they lost?  Are they living in fear?  I've been sharing some amazing ideas that keep popping up on Facebook (yeah I know ironic) that focus on caring and love for those around us.  Spend a few extra minutes being present for those that are sharing the same story for the hundredth time, they have a need that they might not know how to voice.  Listen with your heart.  For our troops current and past, be that calming space where they can process what they are going through. Far too many of them are probably feeling a bit used right now.

I recall working the USO in the evenings after work, just about 19 years ago.  When those few precious hours were the only time they were able to call home, to connect with family.  I remember sitting and talking with men and women, who willingly stepped up for those first steps into the middle east and Afghanistan.  

I have two head scarfs tucked away in a closet, they were gifts from a news crew that was passing through returning from Afghanistan.  They'd arrived unexpectedly and my ex called and asked if I could fix dinner for them.  I don't remember much about the visit, but every now and then I come across those scarves and remember the feelings. 

Please be that comfortable space.  Not just for our troops, but for everyone.  The energy feels hard and divisive right now.  We alone can make it soft and accepting. 

We really do need to bring back our "front porch".  We need to gather again, not tucked away in our backyards, but out in the open.  We need to invite people back together.  Our children need to feel comfortable hanging out in our neighborhoods, we need to feel comfortable together.  We need to enjoy spontaneous fire pits and sunsets.

We need to come together.   

wakey, wakey...

The struggle is real! I am trying so hard to not give into the weariness that is settling over me like this warm quilt.  Drawing me into a deep cozy cocoon, to sleep the day away.  I have to stop being the baby that has their days and nights confused.  

I think I have let myself give in far too much, I sleep most of the day away, tired of my own company and feeling like I am not productive.  I am productive, I am productively healing!  Yet, I still give in, close my eyes, curl up in a ball and sleep. 

The challenge with that, is that when it is time to actually sleep, I can't.  I lie awake and stare at the clock on the ceiling, watching it count off the minutes of a slow moving night. It simply has to stop. 

That being said, I am focusing on being a human today.  Showered, wearing clothing (no, not clean pajama's - real clothes!), I did my hair (yes a pony tail counts when it is clean and dried) and I am forcing myself to be upright.  

I've been doing research on some recumbent bikes, my PT says they will greatly improve my leg strength and I will be able to start using one probably after my follow up.  I have an awesome bike, one that I dearly love rolling around the countryside on, although I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not going to be brave enough to ride for a bit.  Doc warned me that recovery is not going to be overnight, that Hubs struggles recovering from two hip replacements were actually easier than my knee will be.  I am trying to keep that in mind, but also retain a positive mental attitude. 

I don't know a lot of people that have purchased and used recumbent bikes so I am going to have to rely on strangers I do believe. I definitely want on that both Hubs and I will benefit from. I want him to stay strong and healthy also.  He's kinda, sorta, super important to me!

I'm working on getting my brain back on track to stay focused.  I still feel scattered, but not like I was.  I am feeling a bit more like I can stay focused and plan out an activity or start working on a plan without going off on tangents.  Discomfort seems to be all that is slowing me down at this point, the wiggling around to not ache is a bit distracting. 

I am actually planning to try sitting in my sewing studio for a bit today.  I know I can't handle more than 20 or 30 minutes, but a lot can happen in those chunks of time.  I have two quilts to prep, one a gift, the other commissioned.  I can get a lot of cutting done in those small windows of time.  And instead of mourning the fact that I can't spend hours just getting it done, I've decided to focus on those bits of time.  I have to wait until Hubs gets home to help me move a few things, I am not sure I can manage moving things and using a walker - at least not safely.  And I am no where ready to move things with the cane, that still requires my full attention. 

I might even manage to iron a few things today.  I can't tackle the whole pile, but I can practice standing with my full weight on my leg while ironing a few items at a time.  I see that as a win/win although my sweet Hubs looked pretty annoyed when I suggested it this morning. 

It isn't that I am trying to be a pain, or suggesting he can't do it all, far from it.  It is a deep seated need to feel like a productive human being.  I like doing things, I like feeling like I contribute.  I can't stand long enough to cook yet, or I would totally be making our meals.  I love to cook.  I need to find the small things that I can do, the small things that give me the sense of being a contributor - not just a taker - for the time being. 

I picked up the master bedroom a bit this morning, while waiting for him to bring up breakfast.  I felt so much a part of a team.  I've always believed life works best in a teamwork scenario.  I was going to dust the mantle where all our fur-babies ashes rest, but ran out of time before Hubs came up.  I'll save that for tomorrow, or maybe before dinner.

I guess it's time to do a bit of quilting, update some book keeping, and ya know, start doing life.  Coffee is way iced at this point and sitting here is making my eyes heavy. 

Peace and love ❤

join me...

I am probably going to be regretting the deep sleeping I did for most of today in a few hours.  I had a really fitful night, and inadvertently caught up this morning, and a large chunk of this afternoon.  So tonight when I can't sleep, I will only have myself to blame. 

The shower, medication and quality time sitting up yesterday did wonders for my mood.  Talking to my sister by heart for an hour sure didn't hurt things either.  We've been friends for over 34 years now - holy Moses - and it doesn't matter how long the moments are between talking, it's like it was just an hour ago.  I'm so blessed that the universe brought her into my world.  I have a small handful of true friends like that.  I guard them jealously.  I am so grateful to the universe for each.  Several are terrifyingly just like me, my no nonsense know me better than I know myself sisterhood.  She is the leader of that pack!

Sadly, pain meds wear off and restlessness and pain are poor bedfellows.  So needless to say it was a long short night. 

Today is better, I feel happier and more whole.  It might have a lot to do with quality time with those I love.  My Hubs has been hanging out, I really feel for him, I am sure he'd rather have a full day of Netflix, but he graciously hangs out, even in the middle of the night.  

This morning when I finally decided I'd had enough of pretending to sleep, he'd somehow slipped out quietly in the last hour of fitful sleeping, so I figured it was safe to text him good morning, I wasn't expecting the pure love that came next.  He came up without coffee, I was STUNNED, I am very spoiled where my coffee is concerned and he never forgets it and was fussing around putting on a t-shirt.  Not usual at all. 

I was over the moon when his next words were "coffee and fire in the treetop garden?" Yep, you better believe I turned that walker around and assumed my impatient stance to go downstairs, immediately!  There is nothing I love more than drinking hot coffee by a fire in the morning when the air is cool and the sun hasn't decided to awaken.  

He gets me!  He helped me putter with my garden, be comfy as I sat beside the fire and enjoyed a wonderful morning with him.  Before we knew it the sun had risen, the birds were busy dining and I was getting tired.  We worked together on breakfast and I finished up my therapy in a much happier mood. 

After sleeping way too much, yes I did intend to quilt, my body evidently had different plans, after a deep five hour nap... I was aware in the middle of it that Hubs was mowing, I could hear the mower, I finally felt rested enough to start the day. 

So question, how do you a start a day that really has very little substance to it? Delicious late lunch with Hubs. A surprise visit by my girls, completely filled my heart with love and joy!! A long phone call with mom. And then what?  

I guess my lesson that I need to learn from all of this is patience.  I admittedly do not have any.  I never thought I was a busy, busy person, just someone that enjoys being busy.  Now?  I am questioning the level of needing to be busy. 

I have my quilting sitting beside me in a box. I am not making as much progress as one would think.  Mostly because I can't stay focused on it.  I realized this morning that I can move my leg without pain to be able to use my spinning wheel - Hubs offered to bring it up, who knows I might let him, another level of distraction!  And I have literally pounds of fiber I can spin into yarn, and the movement is one of my therapy moves. 

I am feeling the frustration that comes with not being able to do the things I need to do, to the point it is tainting my ability to do the things I can do. I am working on my attitude around that, but it is slow going. Even my blogging is a struggle right now.  I find myself drifting and easily distracted - if you can't tell. 

I just needed to say, thank you to those that have reached out! Phone calls, texts, plans for wine in the garden... these things mean so much to me.  I have so much that I am thankful for, so many joys and so much happiness.  

Well... it's time to go back to distractionville, before the battery dies in my laptop - I can't reach the power for it.  Much love!

hero...

Do you ever find yourself "reasoning" with yourself?  I do it often.  More so lately.  Today is definitely one of those days. I pushed too hard yesterday, patience isn't my strong suit, I believe I have mentioned that a time or two.  So today is a bit miserable. 

I want to take a pain pill to make the aching a bit more tolerable.  I don't want to take a pain pill, because, well I hate pain pills.  I hate the foggy, lack of energy feeling that wells up deep inside. The inability to function feeling is absolutely not one of my favorites. 

I am also struggling hard.  I love being alone, I cherish time to create, to explore things that fill my soul.  Being alone to follow those dreams, ideas and activities is incredible.  Being alone, simply because I have the inability to leave the floor on my home where I currently reside without assistance, is ugly. I have found that no matter how nicely I speak to my home, she simply isn't a great conversationalist. And that even though I adore the colors that I have painted, after staring at them for hours on end, I question my sanity. 

Sweet Hubs is going above and beyond taking care of career and home.  He's currently sitting at the DMV, a task that normally I could have taken care of for him. Can't pay taxes electronically, and today is the only day he has left to take care of it.  He's been too tied up with taking care of me and everything else. 

I long to assist.  I want to be productive and a part of life.  I'm tired of sleeping non-stop.  

This is where those heart to heart conversations with one's self have to come in.  As I was lying her having a massive pity party, I'm in discomfort (my own fault), I'm lonely, I'm bored, I'm tired of being bed bound kind of pity party, I told myself I needed to stop. 

I wasn't practicing any form of gratitude or grace. 

still beautiful, 10 days later
thank you baby sister!

I had to remind my bull-headed self that it hasn't even been two weeks.  That I am climbing stairs, walking, showering, successfully doing most of my therapy without any assistance.  I can use my cane for short distances and providing there is someone home to move the walker I can navigate my home. Instead of feeling down and bordering on depression, I need to be thanking the heavens that my surgery has been without incident.  That my surgeon skillfully reattached my long detached ACL and tendon.  That short of not being able to execute a perfect 90 degree bend or straighten it to 120 degrees, I am making incredible progress. 

I am not skilled at taking care of me.  That is a huge shift in consciousness for me. I am trying to remind myself that my current job of care-giver is for me.  It is a full time job to work on my therapy.  It is a full time job to practice my life skills and regain full use of this wonderful gift I have received. 

Even with the current discomfort it is far better than it has been in years.  I need to be grateful for that.  

I think it is just the loneliness. In a normal time, I would be so busy I wouldn't have time to stop.  Just like everyone else.  I don't like television or movies, so I end up with a lot of dead space and time.  So many have offered to come help me.  I don't need help.  I need companionship.  Someone to sit and stitch with while chatting about all things great and small.  I am not used to endless hours of my brain making lists.  I usually provide my brain with my want to's and then move forward. 

Tuesday will be two weeks.  That is not a lot of time.  I needed to remind myself of that. I needed to stop being a small child in my emotions.  I can completely understand a two year old right now.  I know what I want, I know what I need.  But in many ways a lot of it is out of my ability to make happen. 

That is where my knight in shining armor steps in and he is definitely that.  

After fussing with getting the travel trailer registered, taxes paid, picking up our license plates, getting answers regarding my bug and everything else, he still listened to me with tears in my voice wanting to be heard and longing for relief to my self induced distress. 

He hurried home so that we could order a pizza... cauliflower crust isn't half bad... and still found time to allow me to safely shower before going to pick it up.

When your world feels overwhelming and out of control, a steamy hot shower controlled by you, is amazing!   Add some salts to soothe a tired and worn spirit and aura and boom, instant new person. 

He even found me a slightly yummy coke zero (not allowed sugar anymore).  Wouldn't want to live on it, but pizza and coke is one of my most favorite combinations. 

So while I am taking care of redirecting my inner child, my sweet Hubs is taking care of the tantrum throwing two year old that is threatening to make a grand appearance.  I agreed to take my pain pill.  I hate it, but I need to be able to do my therapy this afternoon. It also helped that all the steri-strips officially fell off and I can finally see what my knee looks like.  Dang my Doc is good!  

Pizza, cola, shower and meds.  I'm back to semi reasonable.  I'm back to being mostly in control. 

I don't know that I personally could have calmed the tantrum my inner child was working itself into.  I don't know that I could have managed to bring it all the way back to calm.  The tears were starting to break through to the outer layer. 

I hope each of you has a knight to help fight your battles, I also hope that each of you will be that knight for someone else.  Laying here has given me a lot of time to think, you simply never know what others are going through.  What they might need, who they might want to be near, what battles are raging inside.  

By the way... if anyone is bored and wants to come and stitch with me, let me know, I'll have Hubs leave the door open. Or if you even just want some help with a stitching project (most any kind) I've got ya.  Plenty of time on my hands right now....

healing...

I long to be down in my favorite chair, poised to watch the sunrise as I type.  Instead, I am celebrating the fact that not only am I awake and doing fantastic, but I was able to navigate the entire upstairs, multiple times without really leaning on the walker at all.  I was able to carry my own laptop to one of my other favorite chairs and I am well on the way back to being me. 

I'm afraid my nightly restlessness is starting to affect sweet Hubs' sleep.  I try to be quiet, I'm currently the resident of the guest room.  But when you are "resting" about 75% of the day (probably more...) it's hard to sleep all night.  And my body gets sore from lying there.  I am a busy person.  Even when still, I am not still.  So this non-stop stillness is wearing on my body and my mind.  I never come into the master bedroom, but I am sure he must see all the on on off's of the sensor light in the hallway that he insists on.  The reason I know it has to be bothering him, is that I am sitting in the master bedroom. Have been for about an hour, and he is not here. 

I can see the weariness in his eyes.  My sweet Hubs is not usually the caregiver.  He is the cared for.  He has been responsible for everything, and I know my antsy mindset has not made it easier.  He's still got his own day to day life responsibilities and then to take on caring for me completely.  He wasn't about to let anyone help, I understand.  I was almost the same way when I took care of him all those years ago.  Yet I am worrying about him. 

This heat wave is making life fairly miserable also.  It's just plain muggy and uncomfortable. The air conditioners and fans are working overtime trying to keep things comfortable. I'm sure that is adding to the restlessness in the air.  I can't wait for the weather to break.  This sweatshirt and jeans girl is ready for some evening fires and cool breezes. 

Last night as I tossed and turned so many different dreams and thoughts rolled through my mind.  I'd wake up slightly chilled and snuggle down into the tattered blue star quilt that covered me.  Most of the night, that silly old quilt covered me softly.  It's age and the fabrics it was from allow it to be a soft comforting cloud, smooth and retaining the chill in the air.  

I can't exactly place the year I made it.  I am fairly positive I made it for my parent's 25th wedding anniversary back around 1987.  I was so new to quilting and very much self taught.  But I was the only daughter that wouldn't be there to celebrate that special anniversary, I had just moved to Germany and a trip to the US was more money than we even hoped to be able to have. 

We didn't have much.  And lived in a fairly large, attic apartment where my sweet little girl and I spent all our days.  We couldn't afford a second car and there really wasn't anywhere we had to go.  So during the times she was awake we would explore the German countryside and during quiet times and naps, I would pull out my treasured Morse sewing machine, sit down at the government issued table and work on that quilt. 

The quilter that I am now, can't decide whether to be horrified or honored that it still exists.  Every time it is pulled out I am stunned by the number of seams that need to be put back together.  Shocked that I ever thought those fabrics could be used in a quilt that would stand the test of time.  It isn't quilted, it's tied, I was a long way from learning to quilt back then.  The super soft cotton is worn through in places and tattered beyond repair in others.  

It's a beast of a quilt.  I remember it laying out on the giant living area floor, covering it almost completely.  I am fairly sure it is close to a king size, as that was the size bed I had at the time and I remember making it sure it would fit it. The seams don't match right, the fabrics do not remotely belong on the same quilt.  It is stained, tattered, and torn and full of love!

I am not sure how much my parents used it, I lived an ocean away.  I don't know if my sister's snuggled up in it to watch television.  I know little of it's history with them.  Around 2009 it came back to our home.  Mom thought our boy would like to take it to college with him, a tiny dorm twin room didn't need such a huge quilt, so it stayed with me.  It's graced sick beds, it's been snuggled in on cold winter nights.  It's covered weary guests and it's spent it share of time curled up in a closet or two.  

 

My first day home I was chilled, my body was still adjusting to the surgery and I was running a low grade fever.  My sweet girl grabbed it from the closet to warm my body.  Little did she know how much she warmed my soul. 

I truly don't know if my parents treasured the blue beast.  I definitely know that I do.  I could take her apart and mend her seams, I could replace the tattered fabric. Some day I might. As I've snuggled under her, healing and becoming strong again, my fingers have traced her battle wounds. She's done what she was made to do.  She's blanketed family and friends in love, provided comfort, been a constant. I'm not sad that she was far too old fashioned for a young man spreading his wings. 

As I have slept caressed by the softness of her fabric, cooled when too warm, warmed when chilled I have enjoyed memories of times long past.  I have actually had my Dad visit me in my dreams for the second time since he passed.  I have felt comforted. 

Yesterday I was finally strong enough to sit in bed, awake and fully functioning for the majority of the day.  I was able to leave the house for a short while (further than I did on Monday when I went down to the girls house) and remembered how to be human.  I even started work on one of my blocks of the month.  It was incredible!

I was hoping to move to my cane today, but Hubs hasn't had a chance to get to the store and my PT scheduled my appointment for 9 am today.  So I guess it will be next week.  It's okay.  I know I am progressing super well, and it is simply a mental desire to prove I am doing as good as I am to others.  I know what I am and am not able to do.  

I also know what I could do, but would freak my husband out so I won't do.  Like going downstairs for coffee.  I know I can navigate the stairs without issue, but I am not sure I can carry the walker with me.  If I had another walker downstairs, this girl would already be down there. 

I am bored!  

Well therapy is in a few short hours, so I think I am going to go and start working on my stretches.  I want that last 6 degrees until full straightening. 

I am ready to be me 100% again!