in paradise...

Pups are enjoying the big pillow in front of the fire.  Beau takes after my Gator, he loves it!  And will just lie there watching it for hours.  Belle is far too busy, she will lay there for a few moments and then it's off to get into mischief. 

I was a bit surprised to be met by them at the bottom of the stairs in the dark living room as I crept quietly down the stairs hoping not to wake them.  Hubs had closed the door so that I could sleep again, I am super grateful. Belle was super happy to see momma this morning, dancing around and barking, Beau is so much more of a mellow dude so he just wandered over and waited for me to pick him up.  I can't hold both of them any longer, they are simply too big. Together they are almost 30 pounds of puppy joy.  Seems daddy was super tired in the middle of the night and when they went in the kennel to sleep he lay down on the sofa to do the same thing, he just forgot to secure the kennel door.  

This separating them into different kennels at night might seriously be for a much younger set of people.  But we are determined.  They will be just fine, we just have to convince them of that.  Ironically, I was feeling pretty darn successful last night. They each had individual momma time and I held them until they fell asleep and tucked them into their respective kennels after all the loves.  Beau isn't the challenge.  Belle might be small, but boy oh boy is she determined and vocal.  At 8 pm all of us were tucked into bed and finally resting.  

By 949 pm the little wildebeest had discovered that she was in a kennel alone.  She was NOT happy.  I let her cry it out and she finally fell back asleep at 1030, I guess I was too tired to hear her start howling at 1 am.  Even now she isn't wanting to let him simply rest.  And he wants to rest, unbothered. Poor guy.  

It's going to be a busy day.  We are helping the oldest move.  Luckily the snow was a no show for the most part yesterday. So moving day will be pretty darn easy.

There was just enough snow to play in for a bit and then move on with life.  The pups weren't sure what to think of it, but I had a great time playing with the youngest in the snow. Snowball fights and building snowmen.  It was so delightful!  I wish she'd been as bad at aiming as Gramma, because dang that snowball down the back was bitterly cold.  The babies that were supposed to be playing in the snow with her sat nicely in the girls doorway watching us. 

Well, little guy is snoozing on the sofa, time for the little girl to get some one on one time with momma... 

love and peace...

marshmallow world...

I'm struggling to wake up today.  I mean I am physically awake, but had puppy patrol from almost 1 - 3 am.  Hubs woke up at 330 and thankfully let me fall back asleep.  I will admit to struggling a bit this morning.  Not all together sure the separate kennel at night was a great idea. But we'll keep working on it.  We also left them kenneled for a few hours to human yesterday, so they were not at all tired. The only positive thing about that middle of the night puppy party, I actually got to be the first one to wish my boy a happy birthday, twice - because the first time, it was the 15th here, but not yet in his time zone. 

I woke up around 7 am, got morning snuggles from my little fur balls and they put themselves to bed in the same kennel.  So they might sleep for a bit.  Hubs, bless his tired heart, has gone back to sleep for a bit.  So it's just me, my beautiful fire and the snow falling outside the window.  There isn't much accumulation, but enough that it looks beautiful. I'm only feeling a tad like I should do something other than sit here drinking coffee and relaxing.  Not enough that I plan to change my plans, even though my house is more of a wreak than if I had human toddlers on the loose.  I'm just not feeling it. 

I've been looking for the past few days at a Windows based computer, as my Chromebook will not work with my new Cricut.  To say that I am suffering from comparison paralyzation is an absolute understatement. I spent hours chatting with my son about the best investment for what I am actually going to do with it.  He stays up to date on things like that, me... I'm happy with my little Chromebook, it serves my purpose and keeps me doing what I want to do, until now. Switching is going to be tough for me, well, let me clarify, I don't intend to actually switch.  I will still use my Chromebook for most everything I am going to do.  I will use the laptop for other things.  I've used a Chromebook for a really, really long time. I don't spend much time doing things that would require an actual computer with storage. Reality is that I don't intend to either.  

So after many days of reading, learning, doing homework... I have decided I still don't know which one I am going to get. I might just run it from my phone for a little while.  Or I will just put the one's I am considering in a box and draw a name.  Like my boy said, they are all basically the same, using basically the same parts etc, the differences are primarily in the plastics and construction quality.  Especially since I am not buying a gaming computer. I'd loved his thought process (he might take after me a bit) when he said if you are going to buy a cheap computer might as well spend as little as possible. I might add that he is a heavy gamer and dabbles with programming all the time so the ones I am looking at are worthless to him. 

There is definitely something about a snowy day that makes me lazy!  When Hubs and the Pups wake we are going to take our first official walk in the snow - frankly I cannot wait, I love walking in the snow and this is more snow than the Pups have experienced as of yet.  If I'm not walking in the snow, I can literally sit for hours and watch it fall.  It takes me back to one of the few memories I have from childhood at Grammie's, our uncle took us kids to ice skate on the creek near the house and then we walked up to the Dairy Queen for ice cream.  It was absolutely wonderful.  I remember the frozen cat tails along the creek, the snow, the fun.  I couldn't describe it, as it feels more like an emotional memory than one I can picture.  But my heart soars with long walks in the snow.  We haven't had much in the past few years and I am missing it a lot. Honestly, if I was more familiar with my new car I would go off in search of deeper snow, but I'm not and don't want to repeat the experience that happened when Hubs bought my bug.  

I think I am going to put on a podcast and lose myself in some knitting while the fire is crackling, the coffee is hot and it's quiet.  Hubs will wake up shortly and we will have breakfast and start the day... 

love and peace...

who's the boss?

It was crazy busy yesterday, keeping up with puppies, visiting with friends, dealing with medical insurance companies, going to a visitation, and puppies first vet appointment. The whole thing was a combination of fun, frustration and just plain exhausting. 

I'm sitting here finally enjoying a cup of coffee, the babies are napping, I have already mopped the floors for the first time today and cleaned my kitchen.  I am sitting here simply enjoying the moment and trying to sort out my game plan for today.  I still need to get downstairs and unquilt the quilt, I simply cannot stay mad at it too much longer - that will not finish it for darn sure. I have several other projects that I am either working on or I am ready to start working on.  I am just struggling with ordering it all out and moving it forward.  I'm in that insane bubble of overwhelm at the moment I think.  Or it could just be that my projects aren't turning out exactly the way I planned and now I am frustrated and ready to throw in the towel - I have a habit of doing that, which is one of the reasons I have set a goal to clean up, organize and finish all of my started projects this year.  They are never quite as frustrating when I stop and reassess. 

It also doesn't help that I got a Cricut Maker 3 for Christmas - with all the goodies to play and haven't gotten to make anything yet.  I want to play!!  Ugghhh... I know first world spoiled wife problems.  But still. 

Our vet didn't bring it up last night, but I have been noticing that Belle is very protective of her brother the past few days.  She was quite upset that he got shots last night and wasn't pleased.  She finally ended up laying on top of him.  That got me doing some research this morning.  I've had litter mates in the past, my mom and several sisters have also. I've never heard of litter mate syndrome, but now that I am aware, I am going to do everything in my power to stop the behaviors before they become more than can be dealt with. I just always assumed those behaviors were are normal part of puppies. 

Which means... walking them separately, kenneling them separately, and most importantly doing training separately.  They have to respect Hubs and I as their Alpha's and they have to bond with us.  All this boils down to more work, but it will also led to better adjusted happy pups.  I have never been so thankful to not work outside the house now. So thankful. It will be better for them if they are not too closely bonded, they deserve the best.  So some quality time on their own is in the forecast. Still time developing the pack, but also a chance for each of them to shine in their own right.  Beau is the easier one, he's laid back and mellow.  Miss Belle, well she is definitely neither of those things.  He's already doing great on a leash, she is furious. It will definitely be a journey.  We'll see how much time I have for writing, I feel more time is going to be needed to help these babies adjust. 

I said I'm not doing this...

There is snow moving in tonight possibly.  So I am going to get all the errands and running taken care of early today. I don't really feel the need to be out in my new car in the crazy.  I never doubt my own abilities, but I definitely question some of the other people when they are out there.  

I feel it's just best to be home and enjoying my babies in their first real snow experience.  At some point I will get myself back in my groove and work on my projects.  My new car needs a powered by bitch dust sign, and I refuse to pay someone else to do what I can do myself.  I also think I just need to make a to do list and start hustling down it.  Once things are organized I am better able to function, I am seriously cleaning out the excesses in the house.  I need space to breath! 

well folks, twiddle dee and twiddle dum have awoken from their rest... time to keep them busy... and get ready to go get a second kennel... puppy life!

love and peace...

sunrises...

This week is flying past, I cannot believe it is already Wednesday.  It's off to a great start, not even going to kid myself about that one.  Puppies slept through the night for the second night in a row.  They outgrew the kennel that is upstairs so they've been sleeping in the big kennel on the main floor.  Unbelievably, they stopped waking up in the middle of the night when that happened.  I'm now debating if I want a second kennel, or will just allow them to stay in this one until they are trained enough to sleep on their beds all night without destroying the house. I could seriously get used to sleeping at least 8 hours again.  I'm just saying it's a really nice feeling. 

I so enjoyed seeing the sunrise instead of the stars when I woke up.  I also prefer to take them outside in the light, they still don't know what a leash is and we do have a few wild critters out back.  So taking them out in the middle of the night is way more anxiety inducing than I am up for in the wee hours.  Add to that, they aren't able to handle the stairs on their own yet, and they are getting a bit big to carry up and down the stairs in the middle of the night.  I am far more stable than I was even a month ago, but I still get a bit nervous.  I can't believe they are 9 weeks old today.  Time is simply flying past. 

Spent this morning taking care of "business" the stuff that happens when you buy a vehicle, almost feeling I should invest in a lottery ticket or something, that's how smooth it all is going.  Called the insurance company and felt the familiar sinking in the stomach that comes with the automated voice telling me my wait would be 20 minutes, only to be listening to my options and trying to decide what to pick and getting a real person in the middle of it.  Twelve full minutes later, I am done!  I needed the mental victory today!

Heck, I wish I could share the victory.  Hubs and I have so many dear family and friends that are struggling hard right now and we would give anything to be able to make things better for them.  Tomorrow night we will go straight from the puppies first vet appointment to a memorial service for a dear friends sister.  I wish I could be there to support my sister this weekend, but I am not sure I could make it happen.  I also don't want to be more of a burden on her. So much hurt in the world right now. 

I have a ton of errands to take care of maybe today, I can't remember where all I need to go to do things like registering my car and getting my plates after I pay the taxes.  Ya know, the "good stuff".  All I remember is that it is a total pain in the bum and you can't do any of it in the same place. Not going to say I am excited about that adventure.  

So weird had no where to be for seven months get a car and there are errands that need ran.  I guess Hubs was spoiling me pretty good after my car died and I had my knee replaced.  Time to start being an equal partner in this relationship again. I have been so grateful for all of his love and support, I firmly believe that is the true measure of love, when you are simply there.  And to the point the other person doesn't have to worry, stress or even realize that they've done it all until you are ready to step back into the game. We are always there for one another.  I am truly blessed and grateful for that. 

FYI - we are not spoiled!

It's time to try to tidy my house again now that the babies are taking another morning nap (they must be growing - they sure nap a lot lately), I have floors to mop, laundry to finish and I am seriously trying to work on decluttering the house (not making much progress, but I am trying).  

love and peace everyone!

a thing...

The sun breaking over the horizon is so beautiful today.  I'm listening to the birds singing and if I didn't know better I would say it is the start of a breathtaking spring morning.  It's still bitterly cold, but will warm up to almost 50 today, no wonder the birds can't decide what the season is. I'd say Mother Nature is definitely going through something lately.  It's all part of the changes in our world I'm sure. 

Hubs took off to do Hubs things a short bit ago, before he left I started to tell him that tonight we need to go and run an errand, then I remembered that yesterday I did a thing. After 7 months of not having a vehicle, I gave in.  It's a new to me Subaru Forester.  Did I need it?  Probably not, am I thankful for it?  Yep.  It has plenty of space to get my babies and I wherever we want to go comfortably.  Hubs made the decision to not retire in April, just didn't feel the timing was right.  The reason I wasn't getting a vehicle is because there was no need with him retiring as we are always together.  

It was the oddest thing yesterday, I didn't feel trapped or like my freedom was compromised in the least, yet when I realized I could now go further than my own two legs would carry me and do so without asking for a ride or waiting until it was convenient for anyone else, I suddenly felt empowered. It was a strange feeling, one I hadn't expected. 

Although, now that I can go places, I also realize that I really have no where that I want or need to go.  In a few weeks when the babies are vaccinated and it's safe to take them places we might start going for walks at local parks or I can even go visit friends and family that aren't close.  Although the odds of me doing that are fairly low, I generally only go places with Hubs.  This new amount of freedom might be a bit strange to me after the confinement of the past year.  I mean I've only recently started even going in stores on my own.  

It is nice knowing that if my family needs me, I can be flexible now.  It's nice knowing that I can chase after the grands without worry.  So I guess I am okay with being a car owner again, after such a long period of time.  Ironically, I am leaving a lot of my self imposed restrictions this past few months I guess.  Not one but two fur babies after over a year.  New vehicle.  New life.  New knee. 

So many changes.  So many more to come. Definitely spreading my wings in new directions and exploring life from a completely different state of mind.  Life might be bumpy, unstable, maddening, sad, exciting, complex and a million other things, one thing is for certain, it is never boring. 

love and peace... 

holding space...

I didn't write yesterday, I simply couldn't.  In fact, I'm not sure how I feel about today, but I am hoping that it will help some of the restlessness I am struggling with.  I feel out of place and time.  Not happy, not unhappy, the past few days my temper has been a bit shorter than usual, but I am fairly certain that is lack of sleep.  Out of place definitely feels like the perfect description. 

So many that I know are battling things.  Hearts are hurting.  They are losing loved ones, dear friends and family are ill or struggling. I feel helpless, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. 

I know the standard response when someone is in that spot is to reach out to ask how can I help.  What can I do.  My sister is one of those that is on that bus right now.  Everyone is offering help, but what good is that help when you are overwhelmed and simply don't know what to even give to others to do?  

I was able to help write a small sign for their front desk today.  It seemed such a small thing, hardly a help at all, I hope it was bigger than I realize. I pray it was a small bit off her heart. I wish I knew what more to do.

What do you do you do when the pain or battle is bigger than the ability to see through the other side? It feels so shallow to offer help without being able to say what you are offering, but how do you know what the need is?  We automatically offer to cook meals or even clean, but how do we fill that hole that is there in a meaningful manner? If I was closer, I am fairly positive I would offer to go and answer phones, would I have all the answers - heck no, but I am sure most folks will be calling just to talk to hear a voice on the end of the line that can offer comfort.  Those in the thick of it aren't the ones that need to offer that comfort, they need it themselves. 

Another friend recently lost their sister, even though she'd been ill for a long while, it doesn't make it easier or better. When Hubs shared that they were simply thankful for his checking in on him it made my heart feel warm. Thankful that his heart found a meaningful way to fill the gap in his friends heart space. 

So many are struggling.  Maybe our human nature to help simply needs better definition. Maybe it is simply being that person that checks in.  The one that shows up with a coffee and a listening ear. I don't have answers, do any of us?

Last night was a very sleepless night for me.  It wasn't the person or people that I didn't know that were heavy on my heart, it was those that I love, that are a part of my life in a deeply personal way.  I am feeling disconnected, not really feeling a strong pull to be part of anything. Not really wanting to be drifting either. 

I do not care for this helpless feeling.  I tend to be a person of action.  When my sister and I chatted this morning and she told me what her game plan for the morning was, I completely understood.  I would have done the same thing.  There is something about being able to be of service in rough times, although I worry the personal cost, it's that moment in time that helps you through. 

My day will be spent puttering through today.  I will walk puppies and clean up after their multitude of messes.  I will try to find the desire to fight with the quilt that I really want to finish.  I will tidy the house after a weekend of littles playing happily.  I will continue to puppy proof. I will also spend time feeling aimless and lost.  I have friends and family that are dealing with so much and I hate feeling helpless.  "I'm sorry" seems so empty and not helpful at all.  I despise it, but I seem to have nothing better to offer. 

Most importantly I will continue sending love, light and support to those that need it.  Prayers will go up, candles will be lit and I will simply hold space for those that need it.  Maybe that is the only lesson to be learned.  To simply hold space for the healing. 

eyes of a child...

Puppies are finally snoozing, Hubs just went up to try and catch a nap, and I should head downstairs to unquilt the quilt.  Instead, I'm sitting by my roaring fire, drinking my now cold coffee and listening the the winds blow the wind-chimes and move things around on the deck. I know the puppies have been asleep for about 30 minutes, which means maybe another 30 and it will be time to potty, eat and play... their daily routine.

I don't know about you, but yesterday was definitely a struggle day.  All day long.  I was grumpy, out of sorts and out of motivation.  It wasn't until late afternoon that I even remotely decided I would consider participating in the day.  And truthfully, that probably had more to do with my silly text messages from the  4 year old.  When she called to come over the world started to shift. 

I'd spent the day mad at my knitting and was debating on tearing it all apart.  When all of the sudden, I felt strongly about finishing it. I'm also not going to try to match the stripes, because evidently no two balls of this yarn are exactly alike.  As I spent the afternoon searching for another pattern or sweater to make with this yarn I stumbled on a designer Sirdar and every sweater was done in striping yarns and not a single one matched.  Oddly, I found it calming, like it was okay to not be a cookie cutter pattern.  I realized that even if this isn't a beautifully, machine striped, mass produced kind of sweater, it was going to beautiful in it's own right.  

I actually found several designers that didn't worry about that kind of insanity.  It was so freeing, liberating. Once I unblocked that part of my mind, I was able to look at the pattern and the sweater with fresh eyes, I could see the rolling ocean that my mom saw.  I could also see where I was stuck and managed to unstuck myself. 

My problems were pretty trivial yesterday.  I mean, I was throwing a full sized tantrum over a quilt and sweater.  I have loved ones that are dealing with mountains.  With family and friends in the hospital fighting for each day they are alive.  My tantrum was a bit ridiculous. As I sorted through my fit, played with my adorable pups and then had multiple tea parties with the four year old and her stuffed animals I felt calmer, more in-touch with what is really important. 

Her best workout pose/face!

As I was cooking dinner I asked the four year old what she would like to eat, to which I was told she disliked most everything I offered.  I felt I had scored a home run when she decided she would be willing to eat some noodles with butter, salt and pepper.  I wasn't so sure it was a complete meal, but at least we'd come to a conclusion that I had something she liked.  She'd left the food her mom had put together for her at home. I finished cooking the chicken I had prepped for Hubs and I, and even though she informed me that she did not eat that, she was quite interested in it and decided she could eat it as it smelled great! 

As I prepped our plates and she helped me set the table she kept repeating how good it smelled and I am sure she was hungry because she dug in immediately.  Let me tell you when a four year old praises the dinner she wasn't going to eat as delicious and that she loves it so much... well you feel like a chef at a top restaurant catering to royalty.  

Hubs was super tired and went to bed early, but little one wasn't ready to go home, so she and I had so many conversations, tea parties and she helped me with the puppies, she was even planning spending as much time as possible here this weekend.  It fills my heart to overflowing.  A month ago, I couldn't bribe her to come over.  Now she is here and happy so much it's wonderful.  I'm sure her mom doesn't mind a couple of hours of peace, as little one can be a bit busy and with mom, very clinging.  

I think she completely changed my mood when she asked for one more tea party before she went home, I am not sure she expected me to say yes because she actually danced to the kitchen to tell me she loved me and I was the bestest.  That is high praise.  It was the perfect end to a not so awesome day, and selfishly, it was all mine.  I hate that Hubs missed out on that fun, but I am so thankful that it was all mine!

As I laid my head down, my prayers for those in need still echoing in my mind, I honestly felt a bit guilty for the lack of faith I had in life yesterday.  I wasn't the only one, many of my friends and family had the same kind of day.  Yet, I felt guilty for feeling those stupid little challenges were worth the stress and anger they caused me yesterday. 

I'm starting this cloudy, cold day out on a totally different foot.  Hubs stayed awake with the babies so that I could get some rest, I am in a much clearer mindset.  Although I am still not happy that I have to unquilt the quilt (that might wait until tomorrow so I am ready to mentally face that challenge).  Today feels like a gift stretched out before me, it feels like a cozy blanket to dream under.  

I hope this day is better for my loved ones.  I know the strain is heavy at times. 

love and peace...