exhaustion...

I am bone weary today.  I don't know why.  It's sunny and beautiful, I slept well and I am very relaxed.  But today is simply one of those bone weary, no motivation days. I feel like I could go back to sleep or at least my body could.  My brain on the other hand has totally different plans. 

Hubs tells me all the time to take a day for me.  I want to.  I want to sit and watch video's that interest me, that help me learn new skills or follow different ideas.  I want to sit here in the comfy chair and knit, watching my puppies create messes and playing happily.  

My brain says no way.  My heart says no way. For some reason I feel very drawn to do what I have been doing.  To keep working on the things that I feel are incredibly important.  

My garden needs watered and the plants that grow happily beneath the bird feeders need weeded on a daily basis.  I could move the bird feeders, but then I wouldn't see the birds that bring me so much happiness.  It's a fair trade off I guess. 

I have jars to label and store. I also have things that I want to continue to try.  A couple of days ago I made a few of the "burrito in a jar" meals.  I am fascinated with making full meals that simply need to be opened and warmed. So many folks talk about these and how tasty and easy they are, Hubs and I don't eat grains currently, so I asked my daughter to try them for me.  I'm also going to ask a friend if she would do so.  If they like them, then I am going to try modifying the recipe for us.  If the kids like them, I might make my girl a stash of them, there is something so easy and reassuring about coming home from a hard day of working and simply popping the top off and warming it up, adding a few basic perishables and having a great meal. She works hard, I want to help lighten her load. 

The difference in the things I am canning versus buying the same item in the store is so incredibly noticeable that I am seriously questioning how on earth we ever got convinced that mass produced food was a great idea.  The flavors are so different.  Maybe that is what leads to the nostalgia so many speak of when they remember how granny made it.  Not so sure granny for the most part was opening cans of mass produced food. 

I don't really remember the meals at my grandparents house, mainly because I didn't live close and they were rare.  I remember my grampa's garden, it was large and the strawberries and corn were the best I've ever eaten.  I remember helping him gather strawberries and my grammie making us strawberry shortcake for dinner.  I wish that I could remember more. I wish that I had been around to learn from both of them. I feel like so much knowledge was lost. 

Hubs often talks about his dad's spaghetti sauce and how it had a unique flavor that he is semi-sure was anise. I guess he never thought to ask or simply doesn't remember what it was.  I would love to recreate it for him, but without a bit more knowledge, I can't.  Again, so much is lost. 

My own memories of my maternal grandparents, my great grandma and my paternal grandma are very fuzzy.  There are snippets here and there, things that I held dear are like minor capsules of information that rarely see the light of day any longer. There are many things I wish that I could have asked them, learned from them, explored.  Those memories are not mine to access. 

Last night as I was unwinding from the day I was listening to a video of a homesteader that I am constantly learning from, she posed the question of why do we not listen to the elders anymore.  She is of Cherokee descent and they still honor their elders, those with the knowledge and wisdom learned the hard way.  She was speaking of a questionable habit we seem to be developing as a nation of listening to those that only assume or read a book.  Those that are sharing their own ideas, but have never tried to actually implement it.  My son calls them the theoretical folks (he uses it in terms of science, but it applies in all areas). 

I've been thinking about that, a lot.  I consider myself to fall in the category of "jack of all trades, master of none".  I don't say that at all to be derogatory to myself or any others. In fact, in this day and time, I am so thankful for the plethora of skills I have acquired over my lifetime thus far.  For the longest time it bothered me greatly that I didn't seem to have a set goal in life.  I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I'm not a doctor, lawyer, accountant, educator, or any of those other things that kids dreamed of when they were young.  

Instead, I am a little of all of those things.  I spend time learning natural ways to heal the body, using herbs, foods, exercise, sunshine, positive thoughts and energies, I have bandaged my share of wounds and treated the common illnesses that we all suffer through, but nope I am not a doctor.  I also take care of our pets medical needs and keeping them healthy so I guess I do pet dogtering too when needed. 

I take time to learn to do basic legal things, yet am smart enough to know when to resort to someone that has spent years mastering that craft. I can read a contract and understand it, I can explore statutes and laws, but that is definitely not something I aspire to be in life. 

I loathe accounting and math.  Yet, I am the family bookkeeper, the one responsible for the budget and doing our taxes. I am the accounts receivable and payable departments all in one.  It is my responsibility to insure our bills get paid on time and that we are able to live the life we want to live from a financial perspective. 

I am definitely not a traditional teacher.  I have worked in that field, far more than I am comfortable admitting, but it isn't for me.  I want to expand minds, open them to new ideas and free thoughts.  I sadly have witnessed far more programming in our education system.  Memorize what we tell you, don't think for yourself - as that will be frowned upon.  I will gladly, willingly and with raw openness share any and everything I have learned.  I will teach you the basics of quilting, while in the very next breath telling you to follow your own heart and make it yours.  I will help you learn things like soap and candle making, while encouraging you to break all the rules. I cherish helping people learn.  I am not an educator.  I want to teach things and learn from our joint experiences as we explore new ways and ideas. 

Nope, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I know that I want to continue following the path I'm on.  I want to learn, I want to explore, I want to fail forward.  I don't have any desire to be the master of anything except my own life.  I don't fit in the standard boxes well.  In fact I am probably very much that round peg being shoved into a much too small square hole. I am not ever going to fit.  I am okay with that.  At least now I am. 

I respect those that knew from an early age what their path was meant to be.  I honor it.  I have had a lifetime of being envious of it.  Yet here I am at this point in my life finally respecting those like myself.  The ones that can fill many gaps in life, the ones that hold things together to allow all of those masters the ability to soar in their chosen fields and not have to worry about the other stuff.  We are all needed, we are all important. 

Yep those are my legs
they are laying on

I have definitely rambled on about the strangest assortment of thoughts and ideas today, guess I was right... master of none... but my coffee is getting super cold and sitting here snuggling puppies is not taking care of business. Well, sitting snuggling puppies is very much taking care of business... if it fills your soul (and theirs) it is important business... but eventually today, I have to get busy with doing the things...

current status

love and peace...