the ties that bind...

Family time.  A precious gift that I had not been making a priority.  In the past it was a mixed bag of tricks.  Could the boys go?  Did they allow dogs?  Could we get off work?  What was going on at our various locations of employment?  Would we be able to go off the grid long enough to chill by a fire in a spot without cell service?  Were we simply too exhausted to consider running away? Too many chores to squeeze in before the end of the weekend?

Sitting here in my living room wrapped firmly in a blanket, listening to the music that sweet Hubs is playing from all angles and reflecting on the weekend past.  Those reasons all look like excuses.  It was fun, it was crazy, it was definitely full of incredible memories. 

Hubs and I gifted our neat little pickup tent and mattress to the second youngest grandson. In theory it was incredible.  In action, we are simply too damn old and inflexible!! He is going to enjoy it to no end! He loves being outdoors and it will allow him to take off fishing and not worry about where to sleep.  

Hubs and I have a plan b.  And isn't life about the plan b?  We scoped out a few tents and have decided to get two air mattresses instead of one, because it's not fun when one of us either gets jarred from a deep sleep when the other moves or ends up with no covers when the other gets cold and pulls them all tightly around each other. This weekend definitely tested that cold theory out and proved to both of us, that we are blanket hogs when needed. It is no longer a theory, it is a fact!

We didn't end up floating, not a single one of us thought getting on the water in temps that barely reached the low sixties during the "heat" of the day and the low forties at night sounded like fun.  Or for that matter even safe to one's health.  Brrrrrrr... we will save that for later in the summer, if it ever decides to show.  All of us were a bit shocked that the last weekend in May was so bitterly cold. 

Again... plan b... fires and hot coffee make a great time to bond! We didn't plan our trip overly well, we were spread pretty widely across the campground, but discovered that all of us had a great time wandering and chatting as we walked back and forth. Looking for stones, talking and laughing.  Grazing at each site to see what was cooking or sitting around for snacks.  Learned I really love a mimosa with a shot of peach whiskey in it.  Sure takes that to an all new level. 

I got the most amazing ten minute or more hug from my sweet mini-me (although she makes me look so short now - maybe I'm the mini), she just snuggled up to warm her old gramma up.  I am not going to lie that will forever be a highlight for me! I met my nephew's girlfriend and his sweet baby puppy! We were blessed to watch the smaller clans of individual families blend together into a larger clan of the greater hole.  The oldest grandson arrived in the middle of the night, he'd been out west to take care of his dad's mom, I see him so rarely, but cherish it so much.  He's such a copy of his dad, I am so blessed by the winds of fate that have grown my small family of a daughter and son into this huge wonderful blended mass!

We had the opportunity to spend time with the second youngest granddaughter and her cousin. Our family is a bit confusing, and I dare any genealogist down the road to follow it and connect the dots. In most cases there is at least a drop of blood somewhere connecting it all, in others, there is simply the power of love.  We have members of our little clan that arrived there simply out of time and their connection to someone else.  The original bond broken, the permanent bond unbreakable! 

The oldest daughter was under the weather on Saturday, having forgotten to eat while taking care of everyone else, and while we missed her bright smile and laughter for most of the day, it gave Hubs and I a chance to chat with her youngest sister on her mom's side.  Getting to really know her was so much fun, she will definitely be absorbed into the fabric of our clan also, she is such a good person, full of love and amazing energy!

This weekend was our first big blended clan adventure.  Everyone left full of energy, love, and a determination to spend a lot more time at this little camp ground perched on the black river.  While we were not excited about being cold, we were so thankful to have the time together.  Those of us in tents considered a third night, but as the temperature promised to dip even lower, we opted out. Trust and believe me, sleeping in a tent when it is in the low forties takes a lot of fortitude and determination.  

Hubs and I spent a bit of time together, just the two of us walking along the shore in the early dawn looking for hag stones.  He found the first one, it was a double on top of it.  I admit I was a tad jealous.  Although I think I might have ultimately walked away with the most by the end of the day. Including the one with a heart inside that I found when the entire clan was walking along the shoreline later in the day. 

The entire landscape was covered in beautiful druzy quartz that glitters so beautiful in the flashes of sunlight. I found one that was a beautiful deep purplish red while wandering the shoreline.  Hubs and I both found heart shaped stones that we gifted to the girl - she has collected them since she was a child. 

As we start this memorial day, we carry into it incredible memories and feelings of a weekend spent bonding, learning, loving and exploring.  It was an incredible way to spend time digging deeper into this wonderful family that we are blessed to be part of.  

Memorial day is to remember the men and women through time that have given everything to allow us to do silly things like this weekend.  To protect our liberties and freedoms.  In our sitting room there is a family picture of Hubs' Dad and his two brothers.  One of them made the ultimate sacrifice for our country, I've sat by his graveside and listened to Hubs tell me what remains of the family stories.  I know that he died in battle on his birthday.  So many families have these stories.  The losses that have provided for the future.  Take a moment today to remember and cherish those brave souls, to celebrate the gift they so selflessly gave to all of us! The gift that gives us each the opportunities we have. 

And definitely make memories that guarantee there will always be more family stories to be passed down. 

adventures await...

Dreary, wet and cold.  Yep, this clan sure knows when to plan a camping/floating trip.  Last week it was miserable hot, almost unbearable.  I was absolutely dreading camping in that kind of weather.  I do not like to be hot.  Not in the least! So I guess I had better not complain when the temperature drops to around forty tonight.  Gonna be loading up some serious quilts and heavier blankets. Hadn't planned jackets, now I am thankful for the collection of waterproof Trout jackets we have. 

I am looking forward to all the fresh air.  Time in nature fills my bucket. I will admit I am a bit hesitant to float in colder weather, I am sure the view will be breathtaking, the unspoiled view usually is.  But that water is going to be nippy.  I am not sure how these stupid knees are going to handle climbing in and out of the raft.  They aren't very stable right now and moving them takes a great deal of effort.  It will definitely be an experience!

I can't wait to sit outside with the family, to laugh and to carry on.  Sounds like the girls are plotting a good time, I am sure they will sleep well to put it mildly. The whole family won't be together, some extended family is joining us, yet, I will miss the ones not with us.  I am going to seriously celebrate the time we spend with those that will be gathering together.  Cold and wet or not! I am so filled with gratitude for every moment in time that I get with Hubs and the kiddos.

This will be our first family adventure ever with Hubs' oldest daughter, hard to believe we only met her less than a year ago.  She, and her whole branch of the family, fits our puzzle perfectly and we cherish the time with them.  It is the first camping trip in far too long with the girl and the family.  I think the last time we camped together we still had our land in Sullivan, about 9 years ago. Time definitely flies. 

I selected a primitive camp site for us. For a couple of reasons.  Some of my fondest memories of camping where with Hubs and the boy at Crappie Cove in Illinois at Carlyle. Gathering sticks for our little fires, fishing together, fighting the chill as we washed our hair in the cold water, before we got smart enough to warm it.  The crispness of our breath and coffee/cocoa as we sat outside in the morning haze and enjoyed time together.  The boy has always had a sharp wit and he could reduce Hubs to absolutely tears of laughter with just a random comment or quip. 

I could have probably chosen a cabin or a less primitive site, ya know the kind with water and electric.  I just didn't feel compelled to do that. Besides the cabins were going to require me bringing as much stuff as camping and cost me over $50 per night more. I am longing for the closeness that roughing it brings.  The joy of cooking over a grill (yep, I did resort to a gas grill - I'm not completely nuts!).  Sitting by a warm fire and just enjoying the family.  It's going to feel wonderful. 

We probably didn't coordinate as well as we should have, the girls' site is close to ours, but the oldest girls site is further away.  She has a camper, they don't do well in the primitive sites. It's all good, we will get some exercise walking to each other and I am sure sweet Hubs will make at least a dozen friends. He can't help himself. 

yesterday morning

Me... well, I'll be the silent one walking beside him.  I'm not big into making new friends. In fact I am trying to figure out what kind of project to bring with me. For the two hour drive I will finish up my wall hanging, but then what? I don't want to expose my precious block of the month to the elements and I don't really have anything else in the works right now. It's actually been working its way through my brain since yesterday. I don't even have a knitting or crochet project set up, I have babies coming, but don't know if they are boys or girls so don't really want to start sweaters, although I guess I could make one of each so I am ready.  I know that I will go nuts if my hands have to be still for three days!  Yikes! Might have to spend quality time looking for beautiful crystals, rocks... oooh this might be the weekend I finally find my hag stone! Running water and all. 

last night

I guess I'd better get back to work.  I didn't pack yesterday, I'm working on Hubs' family recipe for baked beans, and I need to make some lists.  Honestly, it's been so long since we've camped that I am afraid that I will forget a crucial element. 

I'm looking forward to sitting around with Hubs' and the family, talking about nonsensical stuff, dreaming out loud under the stars. I'm looking forward to roasting marshmallows and laughter. 

Hubs' said the most awesome thing yesterday, he told me that I am happier and less stressed than I have been in so long.  It gave me pause for a moment... but he's right.  Even these stupid knees aren't making me fussy or causing me to be snappy.  It brought me great joy and an equal amount of sadness to realize that I had been reflecting that amount of emotion onto my loved ones.  But here is to happier times in life!

Off to chase some joy.... See you later this weekend... 

distracted...

I planned to write yesterday, I had the best of intentions to do so.  Hubs and I even got up super early to try and see the lunar eclipse and got some great pictures of the early morning sunrise sneaking through the clouds.

But... I made a mistake, I curled up in my favorite chair with a little project I had purchased on our first trip to Paducah.  It's been waiting patiently up in my sewing room, and while I was testing out my machine the other day it caught my eye. 

I finished the two quilts on Monday and was trying to gather the courage to start my block of the month.  I've discovered I don't have as much faith in myself as I should. That block of the month is in a style I love - I absolutely adore working on applique, it's the reason I picked it, I can get completely lost telling a story in fabric. Losing myself in the tiny stitches while "painting" with bits and pieces of fabric and thread. I hadn't taken the time to do that kind of work in forever!  

In fact the last quilt I did that way was a one I made for my boy a lifetime ago.  I was using the Overall Sam pattern to create the story of his youth up to that point when a dear friend of his drowned in a strip pit lake near our homes. The final block was one on he and Jamal shooting hoops. He loves that silly little quilt, it healed my heart a bit to make it.  But I needed to walk away for a bit to heal the rest of the way. I just didn't think it would end up being almost 24 years. 

As the block is going to be part of a year long project, I decided I'd better work on the small project to make sure I remembered how. 

I remember, in fact I remember and love it so much, that I lost almost 7 hours yesterday. Listening to an intriguing and thought provoking YouTube series and stitching away, I was completely oblivious to space and time.  It was incredible!

Until sweet Hubs reminding me that his healing tummy was grumbling for food.  I decided today I'd better address some of the other things in my daily routine before I gathered up the supplies once again to work on my little wall hanging. I should probably even do some housework, I may have reawakened quite an addiction. I didn't even make it to the quilting frames. 

I am not used to having so much time for the things that fill my soul.  It's strange.  I'm starting to think I am like a kid in a candy store.  I need to work on my self-control and focusing on all aspects of life.  I am developing tunnel vision.  Not good!  But oh so much fun!

I am still trying to develop a rhythm to my days.  Some structure and order, I know me.  That kid is the candy shop will go absolutely bonkers if allowed to run amok. Meals will not get cooked, chores will not get done, responsibility will not be my thing.  I need a framework that I have to follow.  Because I can forget about most everything when wrapped up in something I love.  

My mom used to get so mad at me when I was a kid, because I would easily chose to read a good book all day and ignore the world.  "Got your nose in a book again" was a common theme.  

I haven't been in this role long enough without distractions to have developed that theme, the flow or rhythm of life.  Week one was completely wasted, week two Hubs was on a scheduled vacation (his sis was supposed to come visit), week three I was starting to develop my normal - while getting ready for that dreaded yard sale, and this week Hubs has been home sick.  So... everything is haphazard and I might have to go back to being the queen of lists.  

Lists for projects, lists for meals, lists for chores and lists for bills.  Those seem to be my major categories that need focus. Is it ironic they as I typed it... projects was first?

Who knows... 

Sitting here in the midst of the supplies for my block I feel that I need to move away, start working on my chores and fixing the homemade chicken noodle soup I promised hub.  My eyes keep drifting to the threads and block.  My fingers are feeling drawn... I think I'd better get busy.  Because before long, I will find another series to get lost in while I finish up this sweet little picture... 

spilled dirt...

Guess there isn't going to be a beautiful sunrise today, at least not that I can see.  I'm sure that on the other side of those clouds it is breathtaking. We have storms moving in.  Bit of a double sided coin.  I cherish a good storm.  And the energy today seems to need that cleansing relief.  I also love to sit here in the peace of the morning and watch the glorious sunrises.  

When I walked out into the tree top garden this morning I was quite annoyed.  The silly squirrel caused a bit of chaos.  I was pretty darn angry with him at first.  That immediately switched to worry.  With the way the boxes had fallen my twisted little brain fully expected to look down at the bottom on the hill and see his mangled little body.  I would be devastated. I am not at all happy with his carousing through my garden pots, but I definitely didn't wish death on him. 

I must admit, the relief I felt at not finding him was ridiculous. He simply hit a road bump in his quest for food. I understand road bumps.  

I feel like I rested enough last night, the night before was simply too short. I'm not physically weary and worn today.  It just feels that the world feels a bit off.  I have a feeling today is going to need a bit more attention. As we move through this full moon and the mercury retro grade the world always feels a bit off. 

Yesterday I had decided I would finish that little hand quilted piece, I'd had to pull some of the stitches out and rethink the fabric.  It was a bit off, and I was seriously unhappy with it.  I'd hoped to bind it and be done yesterday, but the exhaustion I'd fought all day guaranteed that was not going to happen.  I have a firm rule that I will never do anything I can't undo when tired.  That means cutting fabric also. I will try to get it pinned out this morning before taking Hubs to his follow up appointment. 

I want this to be a productive day, I want to finish both of the bindings that are waiting for my attention.  One will be done on the machine the other will be done by hand.  For some insane reason I feel these need to be completed.  Then I want to put the other two quilts on the frames.  Although, I learned in my class on Sunday that I haven't been reading my batting labels close enough, and now I know I need to wash one of them before I use it.  I have never heard of such a thing.  In fact, I am fairly certain that I am going to be reading labels a lot closer after this experience.  I can also see me switching to a different brand of batting.  

Do you ever find in life that the more you learn, the less you knew? I am feeling that way about a lot of things right now.  Not really in a bad way, but in a "I seriously need to research" way. I was fairly confident in my knowledge of basics.  Now I realize there is a whole different layer of learning waiting for me.  

The class on Sunday was almost overwhelming.  I need to take time to transcribe my notes before I forget all of the information shared with me.  I am not sure how much of it would have made sense to Hubs if he had been able to attend, his sewing level is pretty basic and a bit rusty.  He might have felt far more overwhelmed than I did by the flood of new knowledge.  I am sorry he had to miss it though, I could have used a bit of his memory to help fill the holes.  You can only write so fast when you are balancing your paper in your lap. 

I think this gloomy day, might be a good time to work on that project, after I mow the grass.  

I was hoping Hubs would be feeling up to doing it, he can wipe it out in no time with his riding mower, but he was not looking too hot last night and his man cave is dark - my guess is he had another rough night of sleep and went down there to sleep on the sofa so I could rest.  While I deeply appreciate that he will do that for me, I am going to be the first to say he shouldn't.  The sofa is not comfortable to lay on, I can't imagine sleeping on it and he is simply not going to fight off this virus if he doesn't rest. 

I made a promise that I would not use the riding mower, it was not a hard one to make, I've had misgivings since we bought it.  Our property is simply too steep for my comfort level.  So I will use my trusty push mower.  It might take a bit longer, but at least I won't have to worry about tipping that dang thing over on myself. 

Transitioning from one mindset to another is definitely a big change.  I still find myself getting anxious that I only have so much allotted time. Fearful that I will not have the time needed or wanted to complete projects that are near and dear to me.  Forgetting that I have time to do all of it and I don't have to do things in a rush any longer.  I cherish having space in my life to do what fills my soul. 

My little squirrel friend is dashing through the branches overhead.  I keep catching glimpses of him.  His absolute lack of fear as he leaps from one branch to the next nearest is amazing. And a bit terrifying at the same time.  He is busy getting about his life, he didn't let the spilled flower pots upset him, he just found another source to meet his needs.  All in the space of a morning....

Well, time to sweep up the spilled soil and spend a few moments enjoying the tiny spot of sunshine that is bursting through the clouds. Time to reflect on my resources to my goals.  Might even spend a few more minutes enjoying the antics of the little chickadees that are nesting in the Harley Davidson birdhouse.  

inspiration...

The sun is gently rising here at the tree top garden.  It's a lovely morning, the air is soft and cool.  I decided it was the perfect morning to sit out in the garden, enjoy my coffee and write.  

I love watching the garden come to life.  The tiny sprouts as they break through the rich dark ground, the beautiful buds as they start bursting to life.  From where I am sitting I can see the bright purple flowers that will one day yield the black pod yellow wax beans.  The vibrant color against the green surrounding everything is so inspiring to me. 

It's peaceful out here.  The baby birds are starting to hatch, there has definitely been an increase in my small downy looking friends, they haven't quite learned to be afraid of humans, so they will fly up to the light wires or plant supports and look at me for a few minutes.  Watching them fly is amazing and funny. They are wobbly and unsteady, they haven't yet mastered the skills that will one day have them buzzing past, gracefully sailing from tree to tree.  

These past few weeks have been incredible.  I have so enjoyed the silence and beauty of my tree top garden.  Seeing it throughout the day is something I haven't been able to experience.  If the temperature would stay just like it is now, low 60's I would never leave my sweet little garden.  Unfortunately, this is the Midwest and as soon as the sun breaks firmly over the horizon it will soon be low 80's and I will be miserable.  I will retreat inside once that happens. 

I barely remember a time that I wasn't an early riser.  Seems like it was way back in my early twenties when I started having to be up early to go to work.  I have such a passion for watching the world come to life.  For the sun to break, the birds to start singing, to feel the energy as the world wakes from her slumber.  The critters I listen to in the early morning hours are very different than the night time friends.  

It's a bit more quiet here in the tree top garden than it is down the hill at my girl's house at night.  We share the same woods, our homes are separated by them. Probably less than a football field in length if you don't mind the craggy, slightly steep hill and small forest that is between. Yet at night when the sun goes down, up here it gets quiet, peaceful, still. The canopy life slowly tucks themselves into their snug little nests.  You can hear the steps of the forest animals, the raccoons, deer, opossum, sometimes the small red foxes. Up here, we rarely see them.  Sitting in her yard at night, comes really close to feeling like you are in a horror movie some evenings. It gets dark up here, but not understory of the forest dark. 

I envy her the large flat yard, the spaces that she can fill with all sorts of vegetables and fruits.  I might covet my child's gardening space.  I wouldn't trade her though. My world is filled with bird songs, her's is filled with a wildness that I find a bit disturbing.  I get an occasional skink or turtle visit and we have seen one snake up here since moving in, bless her heart she always has snakes (OK, I understand they are good for keeping pests at a low level - but geeze), lizards, turtles - did I mention snakes? And at least once a year there are several coyote that wander through, her yard is their resting spot sometimes. 

Nope, the tree top garden is more my style, especially as I get older and have a few more struggles with these darn knees. 

Sitting here watching the sun sneak higher into the sky I discovered that I also have a beautiful pea blossom. All of this beauty is making me want to climb the stairs and look for a quilting book I bought many, many years ago.  I can't remember the name right now, but I can picture the quilts so vividly.  If I remember right it is a mother and daughter team one is a photographer the other created quilts based off the photo's of nature. I couldn't help myself... I climbed the stairs... Jean and Valori Wells... and as I have three of their books, you can tell I love them!

Ugghhh... I have a few projects that I need to finish, I need a clean plate. I need to be able to focus on what is important to move forward without being distracted by the left unfinished piles. I simply need no more guilt in my life around unfinished stuff. 

My class yesterday was incredible.  I was sorry Hubs couldn't be there, poor guy ended up with a stomach virus, based on the silence from the man cave, I think he might finally be sleeping. I learned so much.  I am definitely on the right path.  Tons of questions were answered, so many idea seeds were planted that my head actually hurts.  I know the machine I have is not the machine I need and I am working on the plan needed to get the equipment that will make a difference.  

The tricks and tips were "worth the price of admission" as the instructor kept saying and honestly I think I met my spirit animal in her.  She was fun to be around, but her irreverence for the quilt police made my heart soar.  The quilt police alone are one of the main reasons that I refuse to join a guild.  I've had that experience far too many times. 

I am never going to be a quilter that follows the rules.  Art should be personal. Quilts are art. Being told what thread to use, how much and when?  No thank you.  Being told that I have to color inside the lines and if I don't mine isn't good enough.  Nope, that isn't how I roll.  My first grandmother's flower garden is 100% hand pieced and quilted.  It is made from fabrics that I never would have put into a quilt, it didn't matter.  I didn't have a clue how to make it, didn't know it was a very difficult pattern, I simply did it.  It was my great-grandmothers.  It is full of polyester (strange) and a mix of cottons (even some feedsacks) that probably do not belong together.  It is full of love and a rich family history.  I treasure it.  Any quilt guild around would have lost their minds. 

So much is spinning in my head and heart right now, so much research is needed, so much to dig through.  I am setting the intention that I will have the new longarm machine by my birthday month.  I cannot wait for that part of this new journey. 

I think it's time to savor my coffee, enjoy the view and relax for a few minutes.  Hubs is sleeping, the world is silent except for the critters and the random hum of vehicles and air conditioners. 

What kind of joy are you finding in life? Are you taking the moment to soak up the beauty and inspiration around you? How are you going to break the rules and live free and inspired?

dream big

"what if I fall... oh my darling what if you fly?" 

I chose to fly!  Today I set my intention to start the next phase of my life.  As I watched the squirrel eating out of the squirrel-proof feeder (yeah, right) I realized why his accomplishment meant to much to me. That is a huge fall if he makes a mistake.  It's a long, long way down, with no trees to jump over to.  I want to celebrate his accomplishment.  I want to celebrate me overcoming my own fears. 

Today it all begins.  Officially! 

I woke up early, no alarm needed to rouse me from my sleep. My own internal clock is back to functioning perfectly fine.  I showered and got ready to face the day. 

The garage sale shenanigans are over.  Thank goodness. It was a long day, a long week. I still do not like garage sales.  I actually loathe them. I personally do not even like to shop at them.  They are not my thing.  I spent time enjoying my grand daughter and talking to a few people (as few as possible), unfortunately Hubs wasn't feeling great, so I ended up dealing with most of the folks.  I folded stuff, set things up, spent way too many hours on my feet.  

It was such a feeling of freedom to load all the remaining items into the back of the pick up truck and haul them to the resale shop.  To walk through an empty garage, to start cleaning up the inside of my house after a week.  It was incredible. Clutter definitely messes with the mind, it makes you feel overwhelmed and out of control. 

There is still a lot that needs unpacked and cleaned out.  I need a break from it.  

Today is the beginning of something different.  Today is the beginning of belief. 

I've always placed my belief in others.  I've always let them direct my path. Lead my way.  

The only obstacle in my path has always been me and my self-limiting beliefs.  Fear.  As someone that is willing to do anything asked, it has always been a struggle for me to put that same amount of faith and direction into the things I want for myself. 

A few weeks ago when the class popped up, I was uncertain.  I knew it would help me move forward.  I wanted to take the chance, but again there was that fear.  

Today, I start the next steps.  Today, I start putting faith in me and my dreams. 

I am nervous. I am excited.  I am a million things, but unsure isn't one of them. I have spent far too much of my life being unsure.  I'm finally ready.  I'm finally at the point that I am ready to fight for my own dreams.  And today, I start. 

On Tuesday, I took my sweet ole Pfaff in for a tune up, I knew I needed to take that step first.  I needed to believe enough in myself to invest a few dollars on the tools I would need to start sewing, seriously.  Not simply a hobby.  But a way to move my life into the realm that I need it to be.  That machine cost me an entire paycheck back in 2002, but I was determined to have it.  Here it is 19 years later and it's had two tune ups and serves me so well.  I expected it to take the full two weeks to get it back, I was anxiously prepared to wait, as I said. So you better believe I was over the moon surprised and happy when they called on Friday to let me know she was ready and that they'd even noticed the broken needle threader and replaced it.  The repair total was less than the cost of a cheap machine.  So worth it!

I am always afraid to spend the money needed to do the things I want to do, I settle.  I reason with myself that I can do what I want and need to do with something a little less expensive.  I then spend an stupid amount of time frustrated and angry, because I am trying to make something work in a way that it wasn't created for.  Sure it can be done, but it is going to take ten times as long and it will cause me a great deal of angst getting there.  I feel it is time to invest in the things I need.... so much more to come on that topic!

I am a creative person.  I am happiest when I am surrounded by creative activities.  When my fingers are moving... fiber, wood, paint, soil, typing to name a few.  I need to create.  I wasn't put here to do mindless activities, I am here to create, not everything will turn out the way I envision it, some of it will even be a disastrous mess.  That's how life is too.  You only grow and expand by learning and trying. 

I have been trying to write this for almost 2 hours.  I've allowed everything to distract me. When Hubs called me to the garage.... truthfully, I started to get frustrated, it felt like too much. I could feel my own frustration causing tears to form in my eyes, all for stupid things.

I pulled two cards this morning, all tied up and patience. In an instant I felt I understood the reason for them.  I was frustrated... until I walked into the garage to be met by Hubs holding the sweetest little box turtle.  I quickly grabbed her a strawberry, seems she had wandered into our garage.  We sat her down in our garden to give her the strawberry when our neighbor suggested that she looked like the one nesting a couple doors down.  Turtle and strawberry were quickly relocated and my thoughts were cleared. 

Again I was creating my own struggles, my own beast to overcome.  Funny how a little turtle out looking for a snack can reset a person's day!

It's definitely time to take the next steps, it's time to move forward! I think my ego self was seriously trying to undermine the energy and determination I woke up feeling!

Thanks Hubs... I appreciate the fact that without knowing it, you can reset me. Love you! 

move it on...

That simple phrase has been echoing in my mind and heart for days.  Of course it is accompanied to the music Let it Go from the movie Frozen, I mean don't we all need a theme song?  Oddly that song has always had a strong resonance for me. 

It is definitely how I am feeling right now. It's a strong combination of move it on and let it go! I'm ready to start this phase of my life.  A few things are holding me up right now.  This stupid yard sale for one.  Have I mentioned that I hate yard sales?  I am totally that person that will box it all up and donate it to the nearest charity.  In fact anything that is left after the yard sale, is heading to a charity.  If the subdivision doesn't provide a service, the truck will be hauling it all to St. Vincent de Paul thrift store, it's closer than Savers.  But I am good with either. I don't give to Goodwill, too much goes to pay their CEO.  I am done with it.  It all needs to move on. 

I want my house clean again, not piles of random items that we have held on to for far too long.  I didn't realize there was so much stuff hidden. I mean seriously? And truthfully when I walked into the one storage room in the basement, I almost ran out in fear.  I am NOT tackling that one right now.  It is stacked with boxes that never got unpacked when we moved.  My feelings right now... it's been six years, what's another one? 

I'm seriously over it.  I've been cleaning the dust off unused stuff, washing clothes and linens that are leaving one way or another.  I've been up and down stairs to the point that I had to take back my statement yesterday that my knees are feeling a bit better.  Um... that was a lie. 

The other challenge for me right now isn't really a challenge, so much as a mental one.  My sewing machine is in the shop.  It's needed a tune up forever, I think the last time it was even serviced was almost 18 years ago.  Mind you, I have no projects ready to actually sew.  And I should take this time of having a completely clear sewing table to cut out a few.  But honestly, I walk in and see the empty space and feel a minor panic attack start to happen. 

Lets also be clear - it isn't my only machine.  In fact, I have two beautiful ones within 10 feet of me as I type this.  I will admit I can't use the 1926 treadle, I am sadly unable to work it. Yet I can spin with a treadle spinning wheel - yep let that sink in too.  I know I am a special kind of crazy, it is what it is. The 1946 is literally in arms reach, as in my coffee is sitting on it right now. It works beautifully, Hubs and I refinished the stand and I tuned it up myself.  So why the stress?  I don't know.  It is because they are old, nope, not a sufficient reason, given that my Juki is downstairs and can easily be removed from the quilting frame if I truly needed to use it. I think it is simply a mental excuse. 

Most of my projects right now, require handwork before I start machine work.  I think I am simply afraid. 

What if I fail?  What if I can't live up to my sweet Hubs' belief in me? 

I spent yesterday in a tailspin of those feelings.  I prayed, I meditated, I sat in silence with my feelings. I wrote long pages worth of thoughts on the topic in my personal journal, I sat and listened to the birds and I prayed and meditated some more. 

Today, well today I am strong.  

I had agreed to watch the dragon today so her mom could go do a job.  Couple of reasons, mom needs a break and for the first time in dragon's life gramma can say I will be there!  It filled my heart with joy.  I'd even packed my bag to spend the day with her.  

I woke up to a message from my girl, she is staying with dragon today. Our sweet little dragon has been under the weather since Sunday and now she has a horrible cough and congestion.  I will still go over with a moment's notice if she changes her mind.  I am worried, but know she is in capable loving arms.  My girl is an incredible mom!  Honestly, I'm more worried about her than dragon.  You can only run on empty for so long...

I guess the universe was giving me a message.  Put on your big girl pants, stop fussing about all the stuff you don't want to do.  And DO it!  I guess I am like most humans, when something seems to big, I get overwhelmed and push it aside.  

I want the stuff gone, I want the space and organization that I have longed for.  I hate clutter for the sake of clutter.  I read a quote this morning regarding getting rid of stuff, that after you dealt with it, it was gone and done.  If you don't you deal with it daily.  WOW, yep that is how I've felt.  Tripping over piles, waiting for tomorrow to come so I could officially deal with it all. 

I am so working on clarity. Tomorrow finishes a chapter in this book called life.  Tomorrow I will be a bit closer to less clutter, more freedom. 

Sunday... simply starts the new beginning.  

wild side...

Curled up in my chair, hot coffee in my cup, a million thoughts running through my mind.  I am in a good place.  Mentally and physically. 

Yesterday when Hubs got home from work he suggested "let's drop the top and take a ride", what kind of girl says no to that?  We decided it was a perfect day to head to Lone Elk Park, I don't know why it took us so long to go, but I am so thankful that we finally discovered it.  If it hadn't been so late in the day, we would probably have gone across the road to the Wild Bird Sanctuary also.  We are so blessed to have these sanctuaries so close to our home.  Less than six miles away and it took us years to go, figures.  

All of the roads were opened at the park, so we went in search of the elk, they were quite evasive yesterday, we'd only seen two for about the first forty-five minutes or so and we almost gave up on seeing them.  Both of us a little concerned that the sink hole had threatened them too much.  The lake is just about gone, just a remnant of it's former self.  

Sadly water is still running into the hole.  It's fairly significant in size.  I understand that happens with man-made lakes, I am just very concerned about the elk, deer and fowl that have come to depend on that water source.  The bison have multiple water sources.  Hubs and I counted 2 ponds and a small lake, not bad for a herd their size. I am sure the rangers are monitoring it and doing everything they can to come up with a remedy.  I just worry about them.  It's a blessing and a curse for them to live at the park.  They are protected, have acreage to spare, veterinarians to take care of them, etc... but... what about when something like this happens?  They can't move on to another area that can support them. 

water still flowing in

such a sad view

People are pretty arrogant and ignorant also.  There are signs everywhere that ask you to leave the wild life alone - especially the elk, they can be most unfriendly, not to bring any dogs and not to feed the animals. As we were driving around very slowly enjoying all the park has to offer we came across two young adults harassing the geese. The geese were simply protecting their nests and being well geese in an area that is currently closed, so no reason for them to be anywhere near them.  Yet there they were, chasing and stomping at them.  Why?

This guy... ❤❤❤

hello little one

So muddy... I'd love to have that fleece to spin

When we finished observing the bison, they are so beautiful, and enjoying the new baby way out in the field we slowly drove through the rest of their portion.  I was hoping to see a wild turkey or two, but it wasn't to be. Instead, we saw the most adorable raccoon making a feast out of what appeared to be potato salad someone had thrown on the road.  Several problems with that one, first potato salad is probably not on any of their natural diets and secondly - the road?  It's narrow and barely wide enough for the vehicles and the animals in the park are used to people and cars.  They don't move, nor are they aware that vehicles are dangerous.  I can't tell you how frustrated it made me. 

People. 

I am also sure there is a reason they do not want dogs in the park, probably for the same reasons we didn't want them in our cow pastures when I lived on the farm in Washington.  If you are asked to not, then be respectful and don't. Seems pretty simple to me.  So I was a bit shocked when the minivan that had been following us through the bison area, pulled over just after we got back to the elk area and someone got out to walk their dog. 

I just don't understand people. 

We took another drive past the lake, still looking for those elusive elk.  Caught a better view of the sink hole and felt the devastation it was causing.  You could see the fish that remain swirling, there were no turtles, and massive areas of mud filled with prints.  It was so very sad to see. I worry about the animals and fear for the fate of the ones that were near the hole when it opened up. 

As we headed out we made the usual conversations about the huge burl that is on one of the trees on the exit drive, what could have caused it, how very large it is for such a thin tree, etc.  Wondering what it would look like inside the outer layer of bark.

Then just like magic three of the most beautiful elk appeared, they'd found a cozy spot right near the exit.  Lying there in all their glory, soaking up the late afternoon warmth.  It was beautiful. They were beautiful. I'm not stupid, but my fingers longed to touch those downy soft antlers. They are so beautiful!  I have to admit I was quite mesmerized by the one guy.  I also have a favorite bison.  I guess I'm drawn to the strong, brawny type. 

❤ this guy!

We paused for quite awhile, enjoying the moment, they were calm and we were non-threatening.  I don't think they were even ten feet away from my car.  I definitely stayed very alert to that fact.  As long as they were going to sit there, I was going to soak it all in.  Those beautiful brown eyes looking straight into my soul made the world feel calm and normal. 

As we headed across the cattle bridge I was thankful.  Hubs had no way of knowing that I had longed to go for the past few days.  I love being able to simply observe, surrounded by the trees and wild life.  I'm not sure I will ever be brave enough to have a picnic there, although there are picnic benches scattered throughout the elk area. I have a healthy respect for those fabulous beasts of the wild.  I am so blessed to be married to someone that randomly suggests we go somewhere that I wanted without my having to ask him.

Even the not so fabulous beasts will hold my attention, as definitely evidenced by my fascination with our crafty little squirrel out back. We should move the feeder back up, but I can't bring myself to do it.  He's discovered that he can sit on the clay pot - far sturdier and lean against the marigolds to reach the feeder easily and eat to his heart and bellies content. The birds have two other feeders and they really don't seem to like the red one at all.  So why shouldn't that crafty little bugger enjoy his moment?

I played a lot yesterday, so today and tomorrow will definitely have to involve a lot of preparation for Saturday, unless I want to give up sleep Friday night, and well... that is not a thing. It's time for me to get with it.   Even if I do long to go sit out back, or take another trip to the park to see if that one bison that appeared to be in labor delivered a calf. 

Nope... it's focus time!