vegging..

Okay, I'm not gonna lie, we might have been stalking the Bombay Food Junkies and their food truck today.  Okay, maybe not stalking, but close to it.  I had to work this morning, and was thrilled to find out they were going to be at the farmers market near my work until an hour after I got off.  Hubs and I knew we had to grab some lunch before driving to Illinois for the memorial service of a man that we both truly loved and respected. It seemed like it was meant to be.  The farmers market and the food truck were in the direction we were heading.  So... I sweet talked him into meeting me at my Y and we drove together.

Of course we stopped on the way. 

The rain had finally stopped and while we didn't get there in time to really shop, I did manage to squeeze in a few moments while waiting for our lunch.  We will definitely be going back.  I don't know why we have never been, but what a missed opportunity. 

First I browsed a native plant booth, we had an incredible conversation about the perennials that he had, as the only thing I saw that could handle mostly shade was a woody mint.  First question, does this spread like regular mint?  I could tell he was trying to figure out an answer that I might like, before he finally admitted that it would take over.  While I appreciate all that comes with mint, the scent, the uses, etc, I am not a fan of anything I have to control.  I have been fighting with the English Ivy that was here when I moved in.  As a result, I was definitely not interested.  

I described what I was looking for and the areas that needed love.  And before long we'd plotted out a nice collection of plants that would fill the area I needed taken care of and also entice the hummingbirds, butterflies and produce flowers throughout the summer.  We have plans to meet again, as I wasn't sure the plants would survive the journey to Illinois, he'll be back almost every weekend, and I have his card.  This might be the solution I have longed for. 

Quick stop back to Hubs, who was sweetly waiting in line, and it was time to order.  As he handed me our water, my eye was caught by baskets of beautiful fresh veggies. I simply had to go a shop!  My fridge was almost bare and those were fresh, organic veg... I really needed to go. 

Happily I wandered off.  Hubs is aware that I wander, frankly I'm surprised he hasn't felt inclined to put a leash on me like a small child or puppy.  At least I usually give him a clue the direction I am wandering.  I sort of stayed in view.  Well I tried. 

There were baskets and piles of fresh veggies, beautiful fresh veggies. I was instantly homesick for my beloved German farmers markets. As I stood there trying to figure out where to start and wishing I had grabbed my shopping bags from the trunk (wondering did I have enough time to dash over to my car before lunch was ready) I saw the sign "$25 for a box of vegetables".  For $25, cash, I could have a full box of veg and a carton of eggs, which I declined in favor of more veg.  

All of it was fresh.  Harvested the day before, they filled the boxes with some of everything they had, I even got to pick the type of potatoes that I wanted.  I went with sweet, I have plenty of the others, I was out of sweet. 

I think Hubs was a bit surprised as I wandered back with 3 big bags of fresh veggies.  I am fairly certain he figured I would just browse or maybe get a few tomatoes, although he doesn't often underestimate me, he probably knew.  Now I only have a few things left to pick up on my grocery list. 

I was equally thrilled when I found out the farmers market also happens on Tuesday evenings.  I am going to have to plan my Tuesday's better. And I think next Saturday is going to have to include a full trip to the farmers market, as Hubs didn't tell me until we were returning from Illinois that he'd spied a table full of rocks, crystals and gems... WHAT?? I'm not sure how he couldn't remember to mention that when we were there.

I have really been enjoying cooking and finding new flavors and dishes for us to explore.  I am trying to keep Hubs on track, as this was an easy decision for me, a bit harder for my steak and potato guy.  I am finding that I lack a few skills for cooking the way that I want to cook, I'm struggling to make my old ways bend to the new ways.  Besides none of my high school classes taught me to cook whole food plant based meals.  There is a learning curve.

Ironically, because we all know all of our electronic devices don't track us, so it has to be irony... just the same, the online cooking class that I have been pondering and researching, suddenly has a 25% off special going on.  After much pondering and debating with myself and Hubs, after all I barely have time to do the other stuff that keeps grabbing my attention, I decided to go ahead and do it.  Next month I start a three month cooking course. They even grade you?!?  Not sure I am ready to be graded on anything, but I desperately want to make sure that Hubs never feels like he is missing out on anything. 

Fair warning, if you are anywhere near my house, you might become a test tummy.  I mean, I feel like I will be doing a lot of cooking. And Hubs and I are trying to get healthy (it's okay to read that as we both need to lose a bit of weight) and there are only so many meals that are prepped for two. I expect leftovers.

Truthfully, I am excited.  This new path feels like the one we have been meant to be on.  At least for me. It doesn't hurt that I am a learner.  It is what I like to do.  I love to try and experience as much as possible.  

This morning I was watching a class to learn how to make my own incense.  I mean, I guess I could... but there simply aren't enough hours in the day.  Still it was fascinating. 

Where has this day gone?  Time to finish up my chores, go pick up Hubs car (seems I forgot it when we came back from Illinois), and then... who knows... 

doing...

Exhaustion level today... extreme.

As tired as I was last night my brain would not shut up. No matter what I tried between the non-stop chatter in my mind and the pain in my body from helping a friend, there was no rest last night. In fact I don't feel like less than 5 hours really makes it anything more than a long nap.

Some of the inner turmoil is coming from the fact that I know I am going to have to go and finish someone else's work.  I don't want to spend all my time at work either.  I want my weekends off.  I will have spent a good portion of the past two weekends at work, because the person responsible simply isn't doing it. And honestly I am tired of their lack of performance reflecting on me. So in a bit, I will take my tired body and go put in another day doing someone else's job. I'm not doing it for them.  I'm doing it for my members.  Which makes it marginally better, but then I remember that I am on duty next weekend and I feel exhausted all over again.

I get the new buzz phrase.  I know everyone feels that they need work/life balance.  I'm just wondering when people are going to stop and think for a moment about what their actual contribution is during the "work" portion of the day. Because if everyone was working to capacity, instead of planning the "life" portion, I feel more of us might be able to pull off the balance part.

I guess my exhaustion is leading me to feel a great deal of frustration and almost anger.  I don't live well in with that state of mind.  Probably why I didn't sleep.  I probably should have just gotten up, gone and done the work, and would have slept well. Heaven knows I wouldn't want the person responsible to give up any of their balance.

Ugghhh... I think I am getting old.

I'm truly in a weird space right now.  My world feels... tilted? Off?  I'm not sure what it feels, it just doesn't feel right.

I think I need to get back to a happy place for me.  Hubs and I haven't really had much us time this week.  And what we have had, has centered around meals.  Thank goodness they are healthy. I have to admit that I feel a great sense of personal satisfaction when I see him enjoying one of the meals that I have served.  Of the delight on his face when the "vegan" food actually tastes great!!

This has been a huge transition for him.  I was a vegetarian for a long time, the transition hasn't been so big for me.  I am still trying to change his mindset of "it's a diet" to it's a lifestyle choice.  We will get there.  As long as the end goal is the same, I do not really care.

I think part of my current exhaustion, frustration and pain is that I am trying to put a bit of priority on us, something that hasn't happened in a very long time.  It's hard when other's are selfish.  I want to be a bit selfish where Hubs and I are concerned.  I want the time to further explore our journey together. 

I had planned to attend a class on Shamanism yesterday, but a friend needed us, and I wasn't about to say no.  There will always be time for a class, there will not always be time to support a friend in need.  I might have tricked him a bit, we took him to a vegan restaurant for lunch.  Surprisingly he didn't hate it, I'm not sure he loved it, but he didn't hate it.  Hubs and I enjoyed it.  Of the three we've been to so far, I am going to say this is my least favorite, and I am not sure I will feel drawn to fight the traffic in that area to return.  The other two are tucked out of the way, and a bit of a drive, but definitely worth the trip and the time to find!  Treehouse was good, please don't get me wrong.  But Seedz and Bombay Food Junkies were amazing!

I am finding that my happy place lately is centered around cooking and learning to be healthier. As I'm chopping vegetables, trying all sorts of new ingredients, I find that I cannot wait to serve those dishes.  I'm also toying with investing in a cooking course, sometimes I am a bit of a cheapo.  But I am also aware that all of the cooking classes I took in high school and from my folks, never taught me to cook without animal products or processed oils.  When I get frustrated that my dish doesn't look as beautiful or have the same rich flavors I am wondering if I am simply trying to cook a new way with old skills.

I am still weighing options.  But... I really think I might. 

I spent a bit of time reading last night.  I have had "The Four Agreements" sitting on my nightstand for almost a year.  I never seem to have time, or is it make time, to read it.  Last night, I started. I'm also dabbling in meditation.  Because even though I am hating all the additional work hours, I am also very aware that balance is not about actual time.  It's about taking care of yourself and making sure that you are "whole".  I could have hours to do anything, but if I chose to waste that time, it's on me.

I am going to also start finding my 30 minutes a day to go for a walk. If I can find 30 minutes to fuss about laziness, then I definitely can find 30 minutes to take a long walk.  I need it.

Well, it's time to get ready for the day.  Time to go and do the work that is waiting.  It's the right thing to do.

Then a bit more time for us...

solitude and space...

There is absolutely nothing that fills my bucket as much as peace and solitude.  Today it was filled to overflowing!  Exactly what I needed.

Hubs and I got up before the sun, loaded the picnic I prepared last night and lots of water into my sweet little bug and we headed southwest.  We'd wanted to get a float trip in while on vacation and things didn't line up that way, we filled our time with too much relaxing.

So after six crazy work days, I was not going to settle for not getting a float trip.  We both know we despise Saturday floats.  It's crazy crowded and loud.  Definitely no bucket filling happens there. 

So we worked for a few hours on Saturday, helping out with pressure washing and weeding the landscaping. Catching up on little things and hoping to help make a big difference.

After that, we ran our errands, bought groceries for the week and had an incredible lunch at Seedz, I have to say they are going to be responsible for me being broke!  We've eaten there twice, tried a total of 4 different dishes and not one has disappointed.  I enjoyed the vegan donut we tried, Hubs did not.  At all. I am completely nuts about the Mata Mint tea... Again Hubs... big fat NOPE!  He did try the Jasmine Orange Boba tea... I have to admit that his face when the boba came up the straw was hysterical! Sitting in the sun outside on those beautiful sun dappled streets was a calming reset to start the weekend.

I'm determined to hold precious the weekends, the time when we can enjoy each other, spend time with Neeko and just stay focused on reclaiming "us" time.  After all, "us" time doesn't have to be doing something or even not doing something.  For me it has to be about making an effort to hold space for things that bring me joy and balance.  I am finding sheer joy in shopping for the food that I can use to make us nourishing meals.  I have rediscovered the joy of cooking.  I've missed it. It had become a mundane chore.  It wasn't filling my bucket. 

Yet last night, I made us Spring Roll Buddha bowls. Oh my!  I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but I can assure you, we were both very happy with the results. After dinner was finished, I started working on today's picnic.  Pasta salad full of bright colored veggies and then I decided why not give cold peanut noodles a try. Both were a success. 

We'd picked an 8:15 am start for our trip down the Courtois River.  Hopeful to have peace at least for the start of our journey. Meaning we left St. Louis at 6 am.  The moon still high in the sky and the sun just starting to light the morning sky on fire.  It was a gorgeous 90 minute ride to the river.  We checked in and heading to the bus that would take us 6 miles up the road.  Cell phones quit working almost as soon as you leave the highway, over twenty miles away from where we will head out on our raft.

We were starting to wonder if we were in the wrong place, no one had joined us as we sat there waiting.  A few moments later, Hubs and I boarded our bus.  Just us. The driver was delightful and we chatted on the ride, it's odd to have a whole school bus for just three people.  We loaded our raft and shoved off. 

We hadn't been able to take that portion of the river last year, it was simply too low.  We weren't sure what to expect.  It winds through Mark Twain National Forest and very remote.  We'd hoped for a bit of time without friends.

At 1 pm we'd completed our journey, never seeing any other rafters or people for that matter.  It took us about four and a half hours to make our 6 hour journey.  We even found a wonderful stretch of the river wide, deep and still that we floated along without thought or care and enjoyed our lunch.  We listened to birds, bullfrogs, counted fish swimming under us in the crystal clear water.  We even had a brief encounter with a gray and black stripped nope rope (snake) sunning itself on a large tree branch.  There were so many turtles, a few of them snappers. 

In addition to the beauty and silence, the most precious gift was our ability to simply be.  Silently floating, occasionally paddling to keep from hitting both submerged and low hanging trees, pushing ourselves through shallow spots, a couple of times we carried the raft through the shallow rocky beds.

The beauty was breathtaking.  The peace we found priceless. 

On the drive down we'd been listening to Cheryl Crow, one of her songs is so us, but there is a line in there about being able to worship in the great outdoors.  That is where I find myself closest to God.  Where I am at one with the universe.  Today, that was gliding down the river, laughing and talking when we felt like it, sitting in silence and soaking up the energy of the earth around us, and all of this is with was with my best friend.  The person I feel makes me a whole. 

And just us.  No one else until the very end.  Six precious, pristine miles of peaceful co-existence with nature. No connection to anyone else.  No electronic leashes, nothing to break the beauty of this day.

Tomorrow will be a high pressure day, long and busy. I am learning the self-care is deeper than I thought.  It isn't just the food you eat or working out, its about taking care of yourself mentally.  And knowing it is okay to just be.  Having spent this time centering and just holding space has filled my bucket.

I'm ready. 

where is the sun?

The moon hasn't even set yet, and I am sitting here ready for work. Coffee is hot and strong, although I am kind of wishing I had a large glass of the cold brew tea I got yesterday.  Hubs wasn't a fan, but I loved it!  And it had enough caffeine that my sleepy brain was able to function amazingly yesterday afternoon.

Sweet potatoes are finishing in the pressure cooker for breakfast and I am thinking about what lunch should look like.  It is going to be a high pressure day.  With back to back meetings and so much needing to be be accomplished. I won't have time to go out again or Seedz would definitely get another visit.  Both of us enjoyed our lunches so much and the atmosphere was perfect for a brain reset mid-day.

School has started and as usual finding enough people to work sites has been challenging.  I talk to all of my peers and we are all in the same place.  Struggling to find enough people that want to work.  So while we search, it's time for all of us to step up and work sites.  For the next few weeks my days are going to begin super early.  And I still feel like I am not doing enough to support my incredible child care director.  She is the one working even longer hours trying to fill holes. 

That low unemployment rate is definitely a double edged sword.  If they are amazing, there are probably people fighting over them. And those that don't have jobs, don't seem to want to have one.  Ugghhh...

It's okay. We will survive, just like we survive everything. I mean seriously the fact that we wake up every morning, is proof we've survived it all.  I have to admit I am a bit sleepy though.

The rest of vacation seems to rapidly be dwindling.  It isn't that I've forgotten to relax, it's just been a crazy week.  I think we are going to seriously unwind this weekend.  There is a class I am wanting to take on Saturday about the Shamanic journey - yes I know I am different, but I love to learn and explore new ideas, thoughts and processes.  And then if the weather cooperates I really want to sweet talk the Hubs into a float trip on Sunday.  A few hours completely disconnected from today's lifestyle sounds heavenly.

For now, I just have to make it through two more days.... so much to accomplish, I need to lift up people that I can and accomplish my ever expanding to do list. 

Here's to a fantastic and productive day... I sure hope it's mellow and beautiful, but I know that whatever waits I will survive it!  Hope you do too!

taking that moment...

Woke up this morning to the sound of rain falling steadily on the chimney pipe.  Followed immediately by the roar of thunder and the brilliant flash of lightning making the entire room have an eerie glow. It was wonderful!  I am a total rain girl.  I guess it is growing up in Germany.  I'm not sure.  But I will trade a day of sunshine (unless I planned to go cruising in my little beetle with the top down) for a day of storms and rain. 

As I was lying there snuggled in my warm quilt, stretching and contemplating starting the day, the alarm hadn't gone off yet, I hear the rhythmic thump of Neeks tail against the door.  Hubs had woken up early again and was heading upstairs with coffee.  I don't really need an alarm, these two guys can handle it all on their own.  I wasn't ready for the barrage of lights, the switch from monotone news to louder jazz, and I really wasn't ready to converse with the already coffee filled, hour awake Hubs.  But his day was starting super early, so mine was too. 

I was savoring that peaceful moment. 

Although, I definitely don't regret the extra time to chat and spend time with Hubs.  We only went back to work yesterday and already things feel a bit out of control. I made a promise to myself and I fully intend to keep it.  I think Hubs will too, he is just going to have to juggle a bit to balance his week.

As I was up and ready, I mean may as well get the day started at the same time he did, I could have decided to rush into work.  Lord knows I have enough extra stuff staring me in the face right now.

I could have.

I didn't.  I made another cup of coffee, took advantage of the break in the rain and took the Neeko for a longer stroll, those quick dashes out in the rain were not going to suffice for the entire day. Took the time to make my bed, dust my mantle and all the urns that sit there, and now I am writing. 

I don't want to lose the beautiful gift those two weeks gave me. I had so many people yesterday tell me I looked refreshed and rested.  Those words were precious.  Because I feel refreshed and rested. 

I was hoping to get home a bit earlier than I made it, especially as I hadn't really had a lunch break. It didn't happen, but it was definitely earlier than the past year had been.

Bless my sweet Hubs by the way. 

I was pretty darn proud of myself yesterday morning.  Breakfast made, lunches packed, it was going to be the start to an amazingly organized day.  I'd even kept my promise to myself and had not looked at my phone for an hour after waking up. 

I was feeling pretty darn successful.

That came to a screeching halt as I was almost to work, with no time to turn around, and realized I had forgotten my lunch.  Remember we are not eating junk anymore, and I had a delish vegan pasta salad sitting at home. Right where I packed it.  Not with me.  I also knew I had nothing in my office that met the need.  It was going to be a long day!  I might have whined a bit while talking to Hubs.  That is the beauty of marriage, you always have someone to pout with and voice frustration, well among many other things... We had agreed that I would do my best to order something healthy for delivery, but I was definitely bummed. 

Around 11:30 am, just as my yummy breakfast was wearing off and I was just starting to consider who to order from in walks my awesome Hubs, with food!  He'd squeezed in a few extra minutes to make sure I had lunch.  Instead of a beautiful park with soft breezes blowing our hair and sparkling waters near by we had a picnic right there in my office.  The lunch and company were fabulous, I really would have preferred a beautiful park. But I am not trading that little bit of joy for anything.

I'm finding that life is truly about finding those moments and pockets of joy.  It can't be all nose to the grindstone.  It has to have those moments.

When I finally got home last night, I wanted nothing more than for someone else to cook.  The first day back is always tough after a short break, after two weeks, it was a bit daunting. I was mentally tired.  I was also tired of being inside.  I hadn't realized how much time I had spent enjoying being outside, until all I had was the view from my window. I definitely wasn't looking forward to more time inside doing "work". That lunch debacle had derailed my whole "organized" theme.

After a few pouty moments, a bit of playing chase Neeko through the house with toys, I decided I was definitely hungry.  Time to cook.  Nothing appealed to me, I didn't want black bean burgers again.  Even though they were delicious!  And I didn't really want my pasta salad (I mean I still needed lunch for today).  I was really craving some good Asian food, but didn't want to go anywhere and chance not being what I need to keep feeling good.

The struggle was REAL!

Flipping through the cookbook, deciding that sushi was not something I was ready to try while tired and hungry.  I wanted something quick. I happened upon a Pho-inspired Udon bowl.  I had all the ingredients, ironically, I mean if you never cook Asian food at home why would you have Chinese Five Spice in your spice rack... who knows, but I did!  I had recently decided to purchase some baby bok choy, I mean they weren't expensive and they looked adorable and I was simply sure I would find something to use them in. Thirty minutes later, we sat down to a delicious dinner. I was again feeling accomplished.  It's the little things. 

Now I just need to decide if it will be that yummy pasta salad for lunch or the Pho... decisions, decisions.  One thing for certain, I will definitely be taking my lunch today.

Hubs has a long day today, so I will be the one to make adjustments to insure Neeko gets his walk and dinner.  Chances are I will bring work home and catch up in silence. Who knows...

But for now the rain has let up, although I seriously enjoyed walking in the rain with Neeks, it was refreshing and powerful.  Like it was rinsing away the weariness.  And my stolen  planned "me" time is over.  It's time to go and earn my paycheck.  I feel a bit more balanced just for allowing myself time for me.

I'm ready...

count your blessings...

Last night as I got ready to crawl into bed I stared for a long moment at my alarm clock.  I was a bit mournful that it would be the last night for a while that I wouldn't set it.  It's been sitting very silently for 14 days.  I've slept and woken as my body needed.  Ironically, most mornings I was up at my usual time, but found that I stayed up later than usual.

I desperately needed this "staycation".  Hubs is upstairs enjoying one last daytime nap for a moment.  The joy of being able to sleep when your body wants and to decompress is indescribable. We have done random adventures over the past two weeks.  We've wandered and played.  We've woken up and decided to head south, we've explored places we've never been and found beautiful parks.  We found extra time to love on the remaining boy.  To help him through the grieving process and spoil him a bit more in his senior years.  I said goodbye for now to my sweet boy, and even though I miss him with all my heart, I was so very blessed to have him.  I completely understand Neeko's pain. It's been a time of great changes.

We've cleaned out clutter, I've worked on projects and Hubs has caught up on some of his shows.  All in all, we've just been.

That is a powerful feeling.  Just to be.

I've done a great deal of reflecting and mental clearing also.

I'd allowed myself to stray off of paths that were meant for me, by conforming to ones not meant for me. The past month has given me light and been very eye opening.

I've made a lot of adjustments to my path.  Adjustments that have been bringing me back to me, I didn't realize I had strayed so very far from my own path. Little things like unpolishing my nails - that 3 hours every few weeks was precious time that I was resenting.  Sure they looked pretty, professional and well kept.  Funny thing is, as the damage caused is growing out, I am enjoying looking down at my natural nails.  They still look pretty and well kept, yet now they look healthy and completely me. And I have three precious hours, not to mention all the dollars that I was spending on them, back for what I want.

After a couple of trips to the docs it was determined that the pain I was feeling was fairly self induced.  It is not "serious" yet, but it has the potential to get there in a hurry.  Especially if I continued down the path I was on.

I've spent some quality time with myself. Thinking, evaluating, measuring and determining what it is that I need for me.

The first change was the one I thought would be most difficult.  I needed to clean up my body.  I have been eating a very SAD (standard American diet).  It wasn't making me feel great.  I was poisoning myself, creating the problems before me with the very food I was eating. For almost two years I had been studying up on the information put forth in Forks over Knives.  I couldn't bring myself to commit.  It seemed like so much work. Time that I didn't feel I had available to me. I was feeling so much resentment in my life.  So much toxicity.  I am sure on some level I knew that I was harming myself... but change? Change is hard!

I was seriously angry that the nurse practitioner called and scared me.  Gave me enough negative information to terrify me and not enough to provide relief.  That wouldn't come for over a week.  Hindsight being 20/20 that is truly what was meant to happen.  The universe needed my attention.  It was time to stop ignoring what it was trying to tell me.

It's going on a month since I have had meat, dairy, sugars or packaged foods.  I can't even bring myself to eat my triscuits, they aren't appealing to me any longer, they were my favorites.  I also quit drinking soda or alcohol.  I thought this would be hard.  It isn't.  It's taking some planning, on days that I don't plan, it is trickier.  There aren't many whole food plant based options out there at the fast food joints. I thought I would miss it.  I don't.

Sure we've tried a few of the "replacement" options, gotta say, not really impressed.  If I'm not eating meat, why in the world would I want to try to replace it?  Hubs is doing fairly well also.  I won't say he's 100%, but he is definitely on board.  Ironically during one of our longer trips we made he didn't eat WFPB he added some dairy and meats.  He made healthier choices than in the past, but he still ate them.  It didn't take long at all for his body to tell him he'd made a bad choice.  His legs and feet were hurting him so badly.

I know we've made the right choice, this is probably the biggest physical change we've made.  It's only the beginning of the journey.  I cannot wait to have a follow up appointment, I know I am finally doing the right things for my body and health... it just feels really good to see it in black and white.  Reaffirms how much better I feel.

I haven't added any working out to my world yet, I've been busy being busy.  I'm climbing stairs, bending and lifting, cleaning out things and making a life.  But I do feel a growing desire to start walking.  I miss the time that Hubs and I spent together walking in the early morning light.  We have let a sense of duty steal that, I don't think it will be for much longer though.  I haven't been strolling with him and Neeks in the morning, it still hurts my heart a bit much.  Although I have taken the Neeks for a few solo walks myself. I miss the morning sunrises.  The conversations in slightly hushed tones to not wake the neighbors.  As we move towards cooler fall temperatures I can see those walks beginning again.  I'm okay with baby steps.

I'm also exploring starting yoga, I used to try so long ago.  I wasn't mature enough in myself to know that simply buying a video was not going to instruct me.  I now have access to amazing instructors, it might finally be time. As I journey deeper into what I need it keeps appealing to me.

Over these few precious weeks we have worked slowly on clearing out things that don't belong, on completing things that have been shelved, and sorting through bits and pieces.  It felt amazing to finally after 5 years clean out my sewing room.  It is unboxed, stuff is put away or given away.  I found so many projects that weren't finished. I have started to work on them.

Slowly.

Closets being cleaned, life being organized, plans being made.

Fresh herb's are growing in a window garden.  A result of my frustration with paying so much for a bunch of basil only to have it go bad before I had a chance to use it all.  Not to mention all the plastic it was boxed in.

A new batch of crystals started tumbling today.  The last batch is beautiful, although I am sure I rushed them in my hurry to savor the beauty.  To know what would happen.  This batch will go slower.  I want to enjoy the process, not so much the end result.  I am trying to learn to take things slower.

I am trying to learn that the world today is moving far too fast and too much is being missed and far too much is being absorbed by forces that are not good. We seem to be far too consumed by everything and it all needs to happen yesterday.  There is no slow and steady.  No patience.

This journey is cleansing.

My body, my spirit, my mind are in a better place.  I am feeling more balanced than I have in a long time.

When I sit down and pick up a needle, hooks, fabric, paint, yarn, crystals, anything I am not feeling guilty, I am feeling like I am doing something I personally need.  I actually read a book for pleasure last night.  I have stacks of them, things that intrigue me, yet I've felt guilty.  Guilty x2 because I want to do it and it is sitting idly waiting, but knowing there is so much else that I "should" be doing.  I'm tired of "should".   I am trying to focus on the process, the creation, the meaning behind it all.  As yarn wraps around the needle I am focusing on the person/purpose it's intended for.  My dear friend the Yogi once commented that it sounded like mediation to her.  I had to process that for a bit.  Now I realize she is correct, or at least when it is done correctly she is.  That slow and thoughtful process makes it special not rushed. The process is the gift to the creator,  the finished product is the gift for others.

I still love my career.  I still feel that I make a difference.  I'm just changing the lens.  I cannot continue to damage myself, the essence of who I am, and hope to be a positive force for others.  No one can function like that, at least not for long.  And it damages who we are as individuals.

I will still give 100%, but it's a fantasy that giving more makes you better, stronger or more valuable.  It makes you tired, cranky, less productive and unable to function.

My goal is to enjoy more, find time for hot cups of coffee, be more, use less.  I need to listen to what the universe is telling me and know that I am safe in that journey.  I'm going to enjoy slowing things down.

Times are changing for me.  54 is going to be a powerful year, much to accomplish, but it will all happen in it's own time. This will be a year of healing.

I'm so thankful to sweet Hubs for insisting on this break. I was upset, angry actually.  The timing was all wrong.

Nope, the timing was all right. Things didn't work out the way he planned... I think they worked out the way the universe planned.  It was a gift that I truly needed. He is an amazing human, and I am so blessed to have him as my completing half.