it matters...

Hello... Grim Reaper here... that is completely how this week has felt.  The positive factor has been almost non-existent.  In fact the dark dreariness of the weather for most of it was only amplified by my mood. 

This was the longest short week on record. Yet despite all the ugly, there were some soul filling moments. And as I sit here curled up in my space, drinking my coffee and watching the beautiful sunrise, I still feel hope.

Things didn't go great yesterday and one of the end results is that I need to work a fairly decent portion of this weekend.  It's all good, things happen.  Doors close, but better things are often waiting when you step back and take that deep breath. 

If you are able to stop. 

Simply be present.

After two long and painfully brutal days, I changed my plans for last night.  I had already opted out of a going away party for one of my team that I truly adore.  I was not up for driving all the way back to the city, especially after those two days.  My introverted self was needing a hole to hide in and some time to balance everything out in my head.

At about 5 pm, in the midst of chaos and stress I decided it was time to tilt the tables and do something different.  I shifted my own rules. I changed my thoughts.  I took that moment to step back, be present, and instead of letting others draw my energy - as had happened for two days, I absorbed the energy, joy and love of the groups I was with.

After a quick impromptu birthday beverage with a co-worker that I am so thankful has become part of my life, I headed across my new part of town to the farewell celebration for another person that I have come to cherish.

Given where I was mentally, both events should have been painful.  Instead, they were almost life giving.  The laughter, hugs, and genuine warmth, caring and honesty filled my bucket to overflowing. I'm still sad that our friend and co-worker is leaving, but their reason is incredible and envy worthy.  I will keep them close to my thoughts and prayers as they journey and I cannot wait to hear the stories of the grand adventure, even if only second hand.

All of it got me thinking that far too many times we fail to understand the impact even our smallest actions can have on another.

To have the ability to share a moment of someone's special day, when they had somewhere to be, to laugh and giggle over stupidity and the inane.  It was priceless and I am so thankful for it. I look forward to the growth of that friendship. 

Then In the midst of the chaos and laughter at gathering number 2, it really hit me the impact of our daily being.  I was pulled aside for hugs and mini chats so many times.  Those incredible hugs were meaningful, they were honest and pure.  They were exactly what I needed.  I love hugs that are real, I thrive on them. I loved the joy and laughter that was shared around the tables. 

Yet it was the side conversations, the "hey, got a second" chats that impacted me like nothing else. At one point I was pulled aside by the woman that replaced me at my old branch.  She wanted to tell me about an encounter she'd had at church. Oddly, as she started speaking I realized that the person she was speaking of had shared his side of the story earlier in the day.  He'd told me that he tried to talk her into coming back, the part that she shared warmed my heart even more.

The past few months have been challenging, I have often doubted that I have made an impact, or even a small difference. I've struggled to feel connected as there has been no time for the important stuff.  The words that this virtual stranger shared with her felt like the warmest blessing.  Evidently I had managed to touch his life. It was stuff that is truly trivial, yet powerful for that very reason.

I wished Hubs could have been there, as he is always the life of the party to my fringe participation, but he was tired and sound asleep long before I arrived at gathering number 2.  I usually shy away from attending gatherings solo, I need my outgoing side kick for moral support. I missed sharing the joy and love in that room with him, while celebrating being able to be part of that group of people.

Sometimes I think we are so busy rushing through life, that we forget the power, the impact that we make on others.  Most of the people I interacted with last night had no idea the impact they were having on me.  The quiet talks, the hugs, the laughter, the smiles.  The people that were genuinely happy to just be in one another's company. 

I have been so blessed in my life. I am thankful for each silver lining I have found inside some of the darkest clouds.