Making Progress!

I am sitting here listening to a combination of the cicada's winding down (they have been really bad this year) and Kirk Cameron subbing for Glenn Beck.  Wow... that is pretty much all I can say about this man.  Hard to see the old sit com star behind the man he's become.

I have been working on hats all day long, seems God had a chat with Mother Nature and she arranged for lots of rain and thunderstorms.  I didn't have to feel guilty about needing to work on things for the craft show.  I was given a pass. 

It's been a very productive day!  In fact it is scary how productive it has been.  My fingers are a bit tired, but my stress has gone down so much. Hubby sweet talked me into going out with him for lunch. I was hesitant... That three hour tour from yesterday kept popping into my mind.  But I decided I could throw my yarn and needles in my purse and head out.  Thanks to the rain I would be able to work on my projects between travels.

We had a great lunch, with lots of time to visit and chat, and decided to run to JoAnn's on the way home.  As we were heading over Hubby decided he needed to go into Savers.  He loves that store.  I do too... but I could hear the clock... tick, tick, tick...

He was so determined and willing to walk over in the rain just to browse.  It seemed so important to him that I couldn't tell him no.  That silly needle and yarn could wait.  It seemed important.  Whatever was drawing him there was strong!

I'm so glad we did! Hubby found a perfect leather motorcycle jacket.  His size, style and in almost new condition and at an eighth of the cost of the one almost identical that I had been looking at the day before! I would have been a happy camper if that was the only treasure we managed to find.  It seems destiny was on our side today, because as we were walking over to get in line, there on display were Styrofoam heads. I have been searching everywhere for those silly things.  I wanted them for my booth, as most of the stuff I will have at the craft fair will be beanies.  I have not been able to find them anywhere, and here I find six.  Well they had more, but the other two were simply too beat up to make me happy.

As it is well established that I am the queen of cheap, you can bet it made my penny pinching heart squeal with joy to get all of that for less than $65!  In fact I am still excited by it all! The beanies look so awesome on the heads and Hubby looks so handsome in his new leather jacket! Bring on the fall weather my baby will be toasty cruising around on the bike looking at the beautiful foliage.

 

My sweet grand baby called me a few times today.  Seems everyone was sleeping at her house and she was lonely.  I wish she lived closer, she wanted to come over, but it is too far for me to steal her for an hour or so now.  She asked what I was doing and I told her I was working on beanies... that I needed at least 100 before the craft show, she was so funny... She informed me no, I needed 101, as she wants one of them too!  Silly girl, Gramma will always have lots of hats for you, whatever makes you happy!

I feel okay now, I am up to 22 beanies.  I feel comfortable with my planning now... Thank you Lord for the rain, for the time to refocus, for the opportunity to listen Kirk's message.  It's been a great day!

A three hour tour...

Are you ready sweetie?

A three hour tour... Anyone else remember the theme song to Gilligan's Island?  It's pretty much sums up how yesterday started...

Just as the sun was rising hubby and I set out on a mini-adventure.  Breakfast at White Knight in St. Louis, and if you have never been... well you simply have to! It's an original greasy spoon, a small little piece of days gone by (it even played a role in the movie The White Palace with Susan Sarandon - but I have never seen it).  We had an amazing breakfast, lots of interesting conversations with the folks around us. How can you not when you can reach out and touch all of them?

Market Street at Sunrise

Then we were off... Wentzville here we come.  The folks that traded us the bike for the property discovered that in all the chaos (caused by she who will remain nameless) that I had forgotten to sign the title on the trailer.  So we agreed to meet in the middle... All together the entire trip should have taken us about three hours.

Note I said should have...

By the time we made it through all the construction zone's, the fake detour and me not being able to follow the GPS instructions we were a tad late getting there. And decided to take a different route home.  About a five hour different route. 

I was feeling a bit stressed, as I had a lot of work to do, hats to make, etc... but how can you feel stressed or regretful when stealing a bit of paradise?

Hubby and I stopped by to visit with the eldest and to get a hug and kiss from the grand-baby.  They were not home.  Since we were in the neighborhood, we decided to see if the youngest two were home.  On the way we took a detour or two through some neighborhoods.  In Kirkwood we went through their historic district.  Such beautiful homes from the 1800's... It was so peaceful!

Twin One was home, the Twin Two was working.  So we took Twin One out to lunch.  At the Applebee's her sister works at.  We got to spend quality time with both, they were slow at the restaurant - so both girls got to spend a minute or thirty with us.  All too soon, Twin Two had tables to seat, Twin One had to rush off to get ready for work and it was simply back to hubby and I and our blue bike.

Hubby loves thrift stores and noted one nearby, off we went.  It was a very nice store and we will be visiting again, but having found nothing that we could carry on the bike... 

After a quick stop to fuel up we started following a network of back roads.  I am not a fan of the highway,  especially when there are back roads to follow, highways bore me.  So sweet Hubby had a plan!  Zigzagging through St. Louis and the burbs was so much fun, the things you discover when you are putt, putting around....

At one intersection I saw a Merb's.  It's a local chocolate shop. I am always in search of the local equivalent of Sponge Candy (yep everyone at home knows what I am talking about) so in we went.  The molasses puffs are close, real close.  But definitely not the same!!

While we were shopping I was reminded in full why I cherish hubby and love him so much!  I am blessed to be married to a man with a heart like his.  We were goofing around and chatting with the young girl at the counter.  Hubby had just given her a piece of his peanut brittle to try (she'd never had it - WHAT??) when a woman with three small boys came in.

 Now hubby has never met a stranger and as we quickly found out, Gramma's money was tight, but her and those three boys had walked over to get some candy.  Hubby was surprised that here surrounded by all the wonderful fresh made treats, Gramma was buying generic supermarket kind of candy.  And he asked about it, that was how we knew. Being the big, sweet wonderful kid that he is, he asked if he could offer the kids a piece of candy.  The youngest two (they looked about 3 and 4) eagerly reached in.  Their smiles could not be contained! The older child probably 8 or 9, politely shook his head no.  Hubby asked him if he did not like chocolate and the little boy replied so sweetly no he did, but he didn't want to eat all hubby's candy.  That almost made me cry.  Being hubby, he rubbed his belly and assured the little guy that he was not missing any candy opportunities.  After being reassured that he was not taking away hubby's candy, he also took a piece and the look on his face was priceless.  We left them in the candy store and headed off.  As we were pulling out there were three little guys in flip flops and a gramma, getting ready to walk back to houses that looked a bit far to be a quick walk, waving and yelling thank you.  It was so amazing to witness. 

A short while later, I finally figured out where we were. Not being a St. Louis native and rarely traveling around in St. Louis, I often find myself turned around and not knowing where I am heading.

As we were pulling in front of the twins old middle school we were dumb struck.  Literally amazed by what we witnessed!  A family in South St. Louis had suffered horrific losses last week in a fire.  Only two members had survived. And here was an entire community gathering at a BBQ and walking along with buckets and M&M's to raise money for them.   The slow progression of the traffic was a blessing, it was caused by so many wanting to help.

They weren't even simply asking for money, they were giving something in exchange.  Didn't take a second for hubby and I to look through our pockets and make a donation to that young lady hurrying up and down the middle of the street.  We gave our donation and declined the M&M's (they are a bit anti-climatic after eating a piece of fresh made chocolate - and messy on the bike).  The next words... ah they were beautiful!  That bouncing young lady, with a bright big smile looked us straight in the eyes and said "God Bless You!" As we made our way past the school, regretting that we had eaten earlier in the day, we were blessed to see a line about a mile long waiting to buy some BBQ to support the two family members left.

It is so powerful to witness a community taking care of it's own.  I am not a fan of government handouts, never have been never will be.  So seeing a community and then some all lined up to help one of their own, standing in the hot sun on the even hotter asphalt for the opportunity to lend a helping hand.  To me that was beyond powerful! It made me feel that despite the horrible stuff that happens every day, that there is much good in this world and it is happening daily without fan fare and media coverage.  It is the silent, word of mouth kind of goodness that is holding our world together.

The Jefferson Barracks Bridge

A few more hours later we had shared candy with our neighbors and spent a few minutes or so visiting.  Then off to the Harley dealership so Hubby could drool over the 2014's and try to convince me to learn to ride (is he trying to kick me off his bike??)

The Mighty Mississippi is looking a bit low...

We finally made it home a full nine hours later (see what I mean about that three hour tour??)!  I had started to feel I wouldn't get what I needed to accomplished and my stress was starting to rise.  I wouldn't trade the day for anything, I loved every minute, I was just trying to figure out how to make the day last a bit longer.  I needed a 28 hour day.

I finally accomplished my goal.  Had time to spend with my son.  And even started my blog last night, but at one in the morning, I realized I was drifting to sleep more than I was writing.  And I gave up.  Today is a new day, today I will make more hats, tidy up and do laundry and of course find time to ride with hubby... there is a storm supposed to be heading in tonight, and I don't want to miss a minute...

It's a start...

It's a start!

Struggling to wake up this morning... Last night was short.  Hubby and I went into St. Louis at midnight to pick up the traveling man.  The train station is in a slightly iffy neighborhood, it isn't bad, but as it's in a semi-remote area in the center of downtown and near the metro link.  It has the potential for hoodlums to act up.

Luckily his train was early and we had just pulled into the parking spot when he arrived.

As I am not a nighttime person... today is going to be a struggle. And I would do it again tonight.

Sipping my coffee, watching hubby play with the boys, and planning ahead, I have a lot to do this weekend.

And fun I want to squeeze in around it all.

I finally committed to the craft fair.  I have a lot to get done in the next month! My goal is to have at least 100 hats, soaps, dish cloths, and maybe even a quilt ready for demo.  I also have a quilt that needs to be quilted, I have got to find time to get that done this weekend.  Then I have two hats to get finished, they were pre-ordered.  I won't be spending much time online.  I will be squeezing in a few scooter rides too.  I am not sure what prompted me to be so sure I could make this work, but I am going to give it my best and see what happens.

Gotta talk hubby into doing some yard work, and he has a few things he is going to do for the craft fair.

Gonna be hard to do with that awesome weather out there beckoning....

learning to let go...

St. Louis Amtrak Station

It's so hard to watch your children grow up.  It's hard to stop being mommy.  Wanting to protect them.  I just watched my youngest board a train.  He's heading up to Chicago for an interview.  I struggled with it. 

I am so excited for him.  I am a bit of a Polly Anna and I am very optimistic for him. I want the best and I want him happy.  I know in my heart that he is going to do just fine.  Whether this ends up being the career path he follows or not it is an awesome journey to watch. He is still searching for that place that feels right, wow I hope he doesn't take after me and still be searching in his forty's....

I don't know why it was so hard to watch him walk down that hallway.  It's something I personally need to work on.  I felt guilty that he didn't have breakfast, worried that he'd had enough sleep, I was fretting about a million things.  I am extremely proud of him! I don't know why I worry.  I don't need to.

He's a grown man, he is stepping out into a bright future.  He's lived on his own for years.  He doesn't need his mom to be a mommy.  He needs a mom that has accepted that he has grown up. When I realize that at his age, I was a mom, had lived on two different continents as an adult, was struggling to pay bills and doing all those boring things, I feel like I am living in an alternate universe.  It is probably because in my mind I am still that woman... I haven't grown older...

I struggle with accepting he is grown.  It isn't his thing, it's mine.  He doesn't need me to nurture and coddle him, that is my "baggage".  I feel like I need it, I feel compelled to take care of him. I know that I am not going to stop mothering him, any more than I am ever going to be willing to stop mothering my oldest and she is a mom herself and has had more life experiences than I have.

Is it something that is genetically programmed?  I know I am not the only mom on the planet that is like this.  I just wonder. 

Here's the thing... I am very happy in my own life.  I love being my husband's wife and I really don't dwell in that world of being just a parent.  I enjoy being a grown up with grown up kids.  I love going off and doing fun stuff with hubby.  Having my own hobbies or career.  Yet I struggle the minute I feel they might need me. 

I am pretty sure that it is simply my need to be needed.  It was so painful when my girl started not needing me.  I felt lost to not speak to her daily.  To not be the one she called or leaned on.  And slowly I realized it felt great!  Not that I don't want her to call me (I still miss that).  But because she was in that place where she didn't need it, she was simply calling because she wanted to.  When the calls and visits were simply laughter and fun.  I felt needed, but in a completely different way.

With my youngest, I still haven't turned that corner.  I know I have a lot of guilt where he is concerned.  I need to let it go.  I know that I eventually will.  It felt a bit like I am starting to this morning.  I was so worried that he would be late for that train.  He doesn't know it, but I stood outside looking at the line of trains until I was sure he hadn't missed it.  Worried sick that I had caused him to be late.

I sent him a quick text from both hubby's and my phone (I had left mine at home).  At first I felt that familiar panic that I always feel when one of my kids doesn't respond right away.  And then... I felt that shift... I felt that change inside.  I heard the words coming out of my mouth, like they were some foreign entity, "he's a grown man, if he needed me he would have called"...

He doesn't need me to kiss his booboo's anymore, he doesn't need me to take care of him anymore.  He needs me to be supportive, to listen, to care about him, and to always be on his side.  I can do that! 

I am very proud of the wonderful, strong, and amazing adults my kids have become.  I love being their sideline team and support.  And I am okay with moving into this role...

but dang it sure is hard letting go...

A Coffee toast to Post 200!

Another sunrise, another beautiful day!

I cannot believe this is the 200th blog entry... Wow... I am a little overwhelmed by that.  I am maybe more overwhelmed when I see the places and number of people reading it. 

I wish I could put faces or names to all those reading, but I guess most folks are truly like me.  I am the ghost reading some of my favorite blogs.  I love to dance in the shadows and be the quiet person in the back ground.  It is my natural state and it feels safe and comfortable to me.

I still don't have an answer to the question my cousin asked me when I first started... She'd asked if I was going to be instructional, informational, or simply writing... If I had to guess I would say simply writing. 

I love teaching, my new quilt class will start next week.  I am also working on a few new ideas for the fall and winter months. But I am fairly certain no one is reading this for tutorials, because I don't write them.   Informational... okay that one is a possibility, although I don't think that I am particularly informative.

I am fairly certain, I simply write to write.  It feels good.  I was always that journal writer.  The person that needed to get my thoughts out of my head before they drove me crazy.  My journals got me through some really dark times and some really bright ones.  I still have them all boxed up somewhere.  This blog has helped me focus and is guiding me. 

Granted the path is a bit meandering and exploring.  I have spent a lot of time while we were riding thinking about b'longa'b... The name, the meaning, where it is guiding me to go... I have never written a blurb about me on my blog... about my purpose... I feel I am ready. 

b'longa'b simply put is my exploration into who I am and what I want from my life... simply because it belongs to me (b). 

Sometimes it is about my obsession with creating things.  I need my hands busy, and purposeful.  I think I take that old adage "idle hands are the devils playground" far too close to heart. 

Not only that, but I need to feel like I am doing something creative, I need to know that it will also be useful.  I can paint, I rarely do, simply because I need it to be useful.  I often do not feel that something for decoration is useful.  I understand that it is, but I don't always feel it.  I quilt for something to warm a bed or sofa on a cool night.  I crochet and knit, because of a love of creating something that is needed.  I spin simply for the love of creating my own fibers for the simple beauty and strength.  I garden to feed my family and friends.  I make soaps so that I can eliminate man made chemicals from my life.  If I can't pronounce it I don't want to use it. 

b'longa'b is all those things and yet it is also an exploration into my heart and feelings.  A scooter ride with hubby, a sunrise or sunset, dinner with my kiddo's, texting with my grand baby, staying up late talking with the boy.  Chasing dreams and searching for answers to the past.  Putting all the pieces together like a jig saw puzzle.  It is a chance for me to rationalize the changes and happenings around me, to vent my anger at people that care so little for their fellow man. 

Ummm... Gramma... I think your phone just said you have a text...

It is quite simply.... me... I am a blessed person.  I have many people in my life that I love and cherish.  Not just my immediate family but all of my framily (friends/family) too!  I am a military brat, we create family from the dear people around us, because far too often our own families are too far away.  I have made some of the greatest friends in the world, from all over the world.  There are people that I couldn't imagine my life without.  Correction, I wouldn't imagine my life without... Michelle, Debbie, Betty, Tiffany, Brenda, Maria, Evelyn and John... just to name a few of the wonderful people that have graced my life and decorated it for the better.  None of these people had to become framily, but they all did!

I am blessed.  I won't say my life hasn't had ups, downs, snags, snarls, celebrations and sadness.  It is a normal life.  But thanks to my framily, family and most importantly hubby and kids I feel that I am living a life worth living. I have love, laughter, faith and dreams to help me face the other stuff...

To everyone that reads... thank you!  I feel like my framily circle is a bit bigger even though you are still in the shadows, it's nice to know you are out there, like an invisible support system.

So... here's a coffee toast to post 200... it's sort of overwhelming... it's equally enriching...

Take me back to yesterday...

"Grampa tell me 'bout the good old days"... that was running through my head this morning when Hubby and I went riding.  We used to always go down the road just a mile, it was into the country.  We would find a nice spot of the road, usually near the intersection.  It was always so peaceful there watching the sun rise over the fields. If we were lucky we would see some deer prancing around the fields.

This morning... I felt such strong sadness.  Hubby and I kept looking for a peaceful spot.  A spot without the harshness of lights, no traffic, just a quiet spot to sip our coffee and enjoy the sunrise. 

Sadly, they are all gone.  We will have to ride much further out to escape the spread of houses, to not see the beautiful fields and farms up for sale, now zoned commercial. A non-stop blur of houses and traffic.  Street lights everywhere. 

We spent the whole weekend simply riding and enjoying each others company.  We found nooks and crannies that seemed left behind.  We took a road simply based on it's name... Hog Hill... We came across horse and buggy warning signs.  Ate at a Mexican restaurant that had a great mural of Popeye and Olive Oil, actually ran across our nieces' grandparents while we were there.  Funny!  We never run across them in town, but 70 miles away... there they were. 

Today, I simply felt sad.  So many empty houses, shops and store fronts.  Instead of using those, they just keep tearing up more farm land.  More of the precious peace we all truly need just disappearing.  It was heart breaking!

It really made it hard to enjoy our coffee... but we sure tried!

We needed it.  Our five days were over.  We were needing to be grounded, it was time to go back to work, to put play time behind us. 

There is so much stress in the world.  I am torn with all the stuff going on around the world.  I am distressed that our President wants to commit us to war.  I don't believe it is a war we should be involved in.  Yes it's an atrocity, but it isn't our atrocity.  I have too many young men and women that I know and love that are serving this country.  I don't want them in harms way for something we shouldn't put our nose in. 

There are still so many people that are hurting financially, and it breaks my heart.  Yesterday when we stopped in this small town for water, Hubby struck up a conversation with this young couple and their kids.  The husband was so sweet and the woman smiled so much.  My heart broke to watch him go in to pay for that gas with a ziplock bag of change.  They were going to a family event, and had to pay for their gas with change.  I went to go inside and "pay it forward", as the cashier had made him wait until all the other customers had left as he was paying with change.  This upset me, I wanted to give them a gift.  Hubby completely backed me up on this, but sadly I didn't get in there soon enough.  I would be so happy to hear they won the lottery today... so deserving...

I need the peace that hubby finds while we ride together.  I love that restfulness... I want the good old days... I want a few less bright lights, a bit more moonlight.  Less congestion and more open spaces... I want more peace, less conflict. 

I need the good ole days...

Around the corner and down the lane...

Sunrise over Silver Creek

My eyes are getting heavy and the day is gently winding down.  Soon I will join hubby and the boys and settle in to sleep.  I had some hats to finish before sleeping.  Our scooter riding has greatly cut into my "budgeted" hat making time.  It's ok though, I would not trade the hours for anything in the world.

Driving past the orphanage where hubby was raised.

Hubby and I had great dreams for our property in Southern Missouri, it was beautiful, peaceful and we seriously were envisioning a future there.  He'd invested a pay out from one of his retirement accounts into purchasing and starting the future there.  Always telling everyone it was my place.  Through the changes the community made, the people that bought around us, the severe allergies I was experiencing there, so many things went from amazing to rotten. 

Sunrise is peaking through....

This morning as the sun was just breaking through the darkness of night, we took off.  We had several ideas of where we wanted to go. I was day dreaming of Garden of the Gods, it looks so beautiful in all the pictures I have seen. Hubby was thinking Springfield sounded promising.  Together we decided on neither, we just headed out.  Neither of us knowing or caring.  Our favorite way to ride and explore.  The weather had us concerned, we had thunder storms last night and the forecast was not too promising for today.

Something must have been pulling on both of us to head towards Carlyle, because that is what we did.  Past Silver Creek, rolling fields shimmering in fog, listening to the world slowly waking up.  Deer darting past, birds taking flight, the fish breaking the water as they start to wake up.

The mist was refreshing, the breeze was so cool I was almost regretting not bringing a light jacket.  By the time we hit Carlyle, picked up a coffee at McDonald's for my girl, I was so thankful to have forgotten.  She was camping and didn't have coffee, we were sort of in the area, ya know what is 50 miles when you are on the motorcycle enjoying a wonderful morning. 

The girls at Carlyle looking up at Blue in the tree

After hugs and kisses from our grand baby, watching the dog pull one of her brothers and their friend on a skateboard, and seeing the surprised smile on my girl's face when we arrived with coffee (I even got the flavor right!  Yes score one for the mom!!) we were off again.

What is at the end of this road?

Still not knowing where or why, we set off to experience the wonder south central Illinois.  And oh did we find some wonderful things!  As we went through those small farm towns we found so many wonderful things. Our favorite was the Washington County State Park.  A beautiful lake, tucked into the rolling hills and trees.  It was so breath taking.  We stopped and had coffee (we brought a thermos - unlike silly daughter!) watched the fish splashing, the squirrels darting up the trees, day dreamed and talked.  We will be going back there to fish.  It is a bit further than Carlyle, but such a quiet and precious spot that we simply fell in love.

Coffee break at the Washington County Park

Such a serene lake

We explored Pickneyville, Coulterville, Nashville... hmmm... starting to see a reoccurring theme there. In Pickneyville we decided it was time to head back north.  We stumbled across some beautiful old cemeteries, homes and and buildings from the 1800's, once beautiful buildings left to be reclaimed by time.  We found a yard sale out in the middle of nowhere, we stopped and stretched across the street so hubby could go and socialize.  He is so kind and loves to meet new people and explore yard sales.  Me... well... not so much!

Parked in front of an old shop being reclaimed by time...

The round square in Belleville

After a nice lunch and picking up something for our boy, we realized it was getting a bit dark and overcast.  Once the lightening started coming down we were thankful to be just over a mile from home.  Our journey of over 170 miles came to an end just in time.  We'd no sooner put the scooter up, locked the doors and went inside when the world started getting really crazy outside.  We had a few errands to run so jumped into our Escape and barely left the driveway when HUGE raindrops decided to fall.  By the time we hit the Harley store, looking for boots for hubby it was raining so hard that we were drenched to the bone from car to the door. 

The storm clouds are moving in...

Storms are starting now...

A slow evening spent enjoying life, relaxing and savoring this weekend.  The rain kept us from going to the Missouri Botanical Gardens as planned.  But it did allow me to finish up 10 complete hats and only 3 more waiting for flowers. 

I might not have that small place in Sullivan any longer, but I have something far more precious!  Quality time with hubby to simply unwind and enjoy each other.  This is perfect! One more day... before we head out, I need to tidy the house... the Neeko fur balls are chasing the dust bunnies, and Neeko's recycling effort (that's another story) has the living room looking like a plastic explosion! I am not sure what we will do tomorrow, but I can assure you it will involve a last long ride for the weekend, before we cook some nice dinner for us and the boy. 

Time to go put my head on the pillow... how are you spending your holiday weekend?