catching up...

It looks like the rain has passed, the coffee is hot and the air is fresh.  I'm ready to tackle today.  My to do list is super long and distinguished at this point, but... I needed to sit with my emotions yesterday. I needed to find a peaceful spot and give myself the same grace I try to give others. 

I just got off the phone with one of my family members, they have a long road ahead of them, but they will both be okay. I can only send prayers and positive thoughts.  Sadly, the rest of the journey rests in their soul, there is no magic pill to send, no gift that will heal the damage. So I will stand on the sidelines a bit helpless and prayerful. 

The time with my girls yesterday filled my heart and lifted my spirits.  We had so much fun painting rocks.  It wasn't exactly what we expected, but it was fun just the same. The youngest made a friend and had a blast. I honestly think watching her enjoy the time with her new friend more than all of the rest. 

Hubs was under the weather when I returned home, and I was afraid I was going to have to cancel our first camping trip of the year.  In fact I was downright certain of it. He's right as rain this morning, so lunchtime will involve us going out to get the camper and bringing it home.  That way I can spend this afternoon getting it loaded up, making the bed and starting the process to heading out in the morning. 

It's going to be colder and a bit damper than we planned, but it will be wonderful just the same. The pups are going to enjoy it, or at least I hope so.  We'll be doing a lot of walks, because they are absolutely not used to being confined to 21 ft of space.  We also got a portable fence to put up, but as it will be their first time with it, I'm sure they will be confused and not really understand the situation. 

Ms Belle needs pillows

Beau thinks my feet make a great pillow...

The babies got away with sleeping with mom last night.  When I got home dad had them in bed with him, they were not about to leave the upstairs.  And who can refuse puppy eyes?  I mean evidently dad can, because he went to sleep in the guest room, behind a closed door... they were disrupting his rest, I get it, I was a bit worried about him last night myself.  I could not refuse the sweet puppy eyes that I got, so they stayed upstairs in bed with mom.  Both jockeying to be the closest to me.  

Translation... dang I'm tired. But I have two very happy puppies.  I'm not sure that is a fair trade off, but... I do love happy puppies. 

As much as I want to sit here and savor my now cold coffee and relax, today is not the day for it... time to hustle...

love and peace my friends... 

move forward...

I want to write today.  There is so much bubbling in my heart and mind.  But I am struggling.  There is too much going on around me, I feel I overwhelmed with the pain and suffering of others all around me.  I feel like offering prayers alone is simply too little of a gift to give. 

I don't know how to move forward, I don't want to stay still. 

Got news early this morning that has my heart in a twist.  Prayers are being sent.  It's all I can do.  I am now waiting for more news on that front. Sending healing energy and hope in that direction. 

My great nephew seems to be holding his own.  He came through yesterday well, but needs to be sedated while next steps are planned out and information is not to be had at this time.  Because right now, they simply don't have any to share. Again more prayers, healing energy and hope.

I was starting to feel semi better emotionally.  Sitting drinking coffee, enjoying the rain that has steadily been falling, getting a text to spend a bit of time with my girl the world was feeling normal -ish.  I mean what is normal anymore? When I get a call that another friend has passed away, another bright light and bubbly person gone from this realm. 

I am actually emotionally exhausted from it all.  I am holding space for so many and I feel my own bucket leaking as I struggle to keep it all together. 

Yesterday after I ranted (sorry... nope not sorry) I decided I was going to knuckle down and do some of the tasks I'd planned for myself.  Tired or not, I was gonna make progress. I did, sort of. 

My house was filled with the wonderful scent of lavender, as I made the lavender "tea" for the dog shampoo that I have been wanting to make for the babies. I was pretty thrilled to end up with seven bottles of shampoo for them.  I fixed lunch for a friend and cleaned the house, getting item after item off my to do list.  It felt good to make myself busy, to move things forward. 

The weather warmed we went for a long walk with the pups and ate our dinner on the deck in the waning sunshine.  It was marvelous.  This morning we walked the pups in between rain showers, the earth has the most heavenly smell after the rain.  Who knew that things would be so unstable, so uneasy and so stressful just an hour later. 

I was blessed with a face to face call with my youngest this afternoon.  It made the day lighter for a while.  It filled my heart to bursting!  It's been a long moment since I've seen him dressed in his suit and tie (he's a handsome bugger) and it hit me hard that he looks so grown. He's always been that guy that forever looks 12.  He no longer looks 12, he looks like a grown man.  He shared a bit of his life with me for almost 30 minutes he was near, it was absolutely wonderful.  As I lingered over those cherished moments the world didn't feel so rocky, so tattered.  He had to get on with his day and I slid back into mine.  

I've stayed busy.  All day.  It hasn't made any of it calming or easier.  Focusing has been difficult. Forward has been hard. As I wait for news I will head out to an activity with my girls tonight.  Plants and Paint, sounds like a great distraction. Or at least a slightly consuming one for a bit. I don't really expect any news until 7 or later so a bit of playtime couldn't hurt. 

If you have any prayers you could spare, any healing energy to send out to wherever it is needed... the need is great in the world today, at least in my bubble it is.  I'm going to share whatever I have left with those in need.

love and peace dear ones...

make it stop...

Yesterday felt like it was on speed, I never thought about stopping until I crawled into bed, I even stopped to do one final load of laundry and run the dishwasher before I laid down.  I was in an almost frantic mode, I have no idea why. I just got busy and didn't seem to need to stop.  Unfortunately, it carried into the night as I woke up at 1:37 am and struggled to fall back asleep, finally falling to sleep around 4:30 am, and that even involved a long meditation designed to relax and unwind the mind.  Mine definitely didn't want to unwind last night. 

So much is going on, so much insanity in the world.  So much stupidity.  

I couldn't believe that literally every time the radio or television came on or I opened up email or social media there was someone else asking about the stupid slap that occurred on the Oscars.  I was stunned that with everything going on in the world right now, that people seemed to be unable to talk or think about anything else. 

I am still wondering how something so inappropriate and childish could have people so mesmerized.  I don't watch the Oscars, or most anything else you would find on television for that matter.  I find it a useless activity that seems to have the sole purpose of dumbing us down, of making us complacent and easily controlled.  I am not someone that buys into most of that.  So I am seriously struggling here. 

I think the weight of the world was what crept into my brain and soul last night.  I think that is where the overwhelming feeling came in.  I've been praying for a classmate from long ago as they battle for their health.  I'd heard that a former co-worker that I loved and respected was not doing well, but it hadn't been confirmed.  Last night I found out they have been placed on palliative care and is expected to pass fairly soon.  That is another bright flame that is being extinguished far too soon. My little great nephew is undergoing another procedure this morning.  It's overwhelming. 

People are worried about if a slap was real or not and whether or not it was appropriate... in my opinion the answer is no, hitting someone is never appropriate - we spend years teaching our children that very lesson. But are they paying attention to the cost of food, gas or necessities? Or it that just something they have been conditioned to expect? Increase after increase, but hey what's a person to do, suck it up and work more hours. 

For generations our country has been divided over all of the slavery that was used to build this country.  In the earliest years slavery was a common way of running businesses, the wealthy getting wealthier off of the lives of others.  If it wasn't slavery, then it was indentured servitude that sometimes never ended.  I feel like we are definitely still living in those buckets, it's just "prettier" and "nicer" now.  It's dressed up and made palatable. For the most part people are not being whipped or beaten - at least not physically.  Children are no longer physically stolen away to be sold or given away because you can't afford to keep them. 

Instead, people give up their lives working as much as they can for ever increasing expenses and higher taxes. Children are not taught skills that will translate into any form of independence from a system that feeds off their labor for their entire lives. 

Heck, I received yet another message yesterday telling me that I would save $6 per month on trash if I vote yes for adding another tax to stuff I buy online.  Sorry, still no.  I would pay more than $6 per month if I did that. 

I went to the grocery yesterday, two stops, didn't buy anything outrageous, absolutely no luxury items just basic necessities.  At no point did I even fill a cart, several things I was looking for were not even available at either store.  One of them was so cost prohibitive that I decided we didn't need it. By the time I got home and put the food items and laundry detergent away I realized that I had spent almost $400 and had less than 10 bags to show for it.  Buying enough lettuce for four salads cost $8.

When do people wake up?  At what point?  Or is it easier to be distracted by the "slap heard round the world"? Is it less painful to get lost in fantasy played out on television than to stand up and do something. 

Yesterday I watched so many people pick up things at the grocery and put them back down after looking at the prices.  I saw folks walk out of Costco with almost empty carts.  The shelves at Schnucks were fairly bare - that is pretty much the standard there nowadays. 

I have to admit, I am not the kind of person that sits around and lets things happen to me.  I am someone that puts their energy into finding solutions for myself, my family and my closest friends that I know will work alongside me.  I will work very hard to make a difference. 

Last night when I was struggling to rest I read something that someone wrote.  It was so unbelievably powerful to me. "The biggest impact you can make in the world, now and always, is to remain an individual. Avoid falling into group think, be wary of labels used to box you in, and have confidence in your own thinking. Those three things could have prevented a lot of what we're currently seeing." 

Those words echoed in my mind for hours.  We've been so conditioned to fit in, to be part of the "mold", that to speak our minds and use our on voices is considered to be wrong on far too many levels.  We learned it in grade school.  Peer pressure is a strong motivator.  I know all of us had at least one teacher that punished the group when one person dared to think or do differently. 

I never fit in.  It hurt me a lot when I was younger. Now I treasure that about myself.  I don't want to fit a mold, I don't want to conform to other's opinions.  I know I am not alone, even though I spent many years feeling like I was, now I know there are many in my tribe, I just didn't know how to find them. 

All of us were sitting quietly on the sidelines afraid to speak up.  We are still mostly on the sidelines, but we aren't afraid.  We finally realized we didn't need to speak up, we simply needed to move forward. 

Today will probably not be as frantic.  I'm a bit weary.  But it will be filled with doing the things that make a life. Sweet Hubs just called, he'd like to bring a friend over for lunch.  They are going to pick up an old broken ping pong table from the storeroom downstairs, it came with the house and we've never done anything with it. So I need to get with it and start putting together a yummy meal for them and finishing up my chores.  I'm just going to keep moving forward and keeping my eyes on the future.

love and peace... 

catching our breath...

Okay friends... definitely looking for squirrel deterrent ideas. Not only was it crazy cold this morning.  My fingers, toes and cheeks are still semi-frozen and we've been inside for about half an hour, but to add insult to injury I went and checked on my beds and that darn little gray squirrel is already messing with my garden beds.  Fairly certain he ate all of the pea plants there were just sprouting.  And I will give up on the location of the two carrot beds, because if any seedlings survived that massacre it is a miracle.  One of the spinach boxes was absolutely torn up also.  

It's so frustrating.  I plant more than enough to share with the critters, but that dang squirrel doesn't want to even let it grow.  In all fairness, he keeps leaving me random half eaten nuts buried where my vegetables used to be. To make matters worse, I spotted the albino squirrel out in one of our trees, I fear he is bringing in reinforcements.

closest I could zoom in on the new
potential enemy of the garden

No, I am not going to shoot it, but lord was it tempting. I also don't do toxic chemicals.  I need a natural solution.  I even considered cutting down the tree he uses to access the garden, but he would simply find another one and I am very fond of the beauty of that tree. 

I have a ton of chores today, but I am going to squeeze in time for some serious research.  I know for a fact I am not the only one to have to deal with a dang squirrel or any other fuzzy interlopers in my garden. There has to be a solution that isn't toxic to any of us.  So... if you happen to have crazy gardening skills and feel like sharing the info I will definitely be grateful.  Are gardeners like fishermen?  Do they hide the spots or tricks from others?  I sure hope not. 

After a weekend filled with friends, family, feelings and emotions yesterday was a wrap up day.  A day to finish a few odds and ends and to chill.  

Belle approved

I finished that darn quilt.  And even though I was mad as all get out at it for a really long time, I was definitely in love with it as I wrapped it in Christmas wrap and delivered it yesterday. My friends loved it and seemed to forgive the tardiness.  I want to make another one or two just like it.  I was even more excited when they looked at it and saw the same perfection in the colors that I had planned.  They have a precious country cabin and the colors were selected to represent it.  The richness of the land, the grass, the blue sky, the dirt, the colorful flower.  I love their little piece of heaven and wanted to honor it. 

We also went out and checked in on our piece of heaven, our camper!  We haven't been out there in a couple of months, but we are now down to just a few days before the maiden trip of 2022!  I cannot wait to have it here to load and clean up before we head out on Friday.  The weather promises to be cool and possibly raining a bit.  We simply do not care.  We are just looking forward to taking the babies on their first trip to one of our favorite spots. The winery/campground combo awaits.  

I was planning to have a quilt ready for the camper bed, but I am definitely not sure that can happen. I only have four days and a ton of chores to take care of before we go.  I also have a couple of orders to take care of, so the odds of it happening are very slim.  

On our way home we found a park full of walking trails to take the puppies to burn off some energy.  It's not a fancy park, but if you are in the area of Pacific Missouri, I highly recommend doing a bit of stretching and enjoying the beauty on the little trails.  Perfect for walking and chatting.  On top of that they have a huge fenced in area to let your pups run off leash. 

We were blessed to have it all to ourselves, although Beau really wanted to play with the pup that was just getting ready to leave as we walked up.  His owner said he was too unpredictable around other dogs, he was a street rescue, so we stayed on the other side of the fence and let them get acquainted through the fence.  I think my little Beau is going to be the social butterfly that wants to play with all the dogs. 

Belle is more focused on running and playing fetch with Dad, that girl can do some serious running, all day long.  When she would get tired she'd lay down with the ball away from him, until she was ready to play again and off she would run to bring him the ball.  That is definitely her jam.  Other dogs... it's not that she doesn't like them, but she is the one that seriously needs to decide for herself if she is going to engage and freaks out for a moment when pups like Beau come up to her too quickly. Beau has none of those issues, he is right there ready to play instantly. 

recovery time...

It's amazing how much time can fly past when you are simply doing things you enjoy with your loved ones.  I am thankful every minute of every day to be married to my very best friend.  I love taking long walks, chatting with him about everything - large or small.  Making plans and daydreaming.  It heals the soul. I cherish my children, but they are grown and living their own lives.  He's my soulmate, my other half.  He helps me think up most of my insane ideas and then helps me implement them. 

I mean he's offered to off the squirrel for me, that is true love folks! Actually he's trying to figure out how to build me a greenhouse that wouldn't violate HOA rules. 

Well today is packed full of chores, I will admit I haven't done laundry in a good while - I've been busy, and the pups are starting to let me know they are out of the good treats and don't feel like waiting much longer for me to make some, just to name a few.  So I guess I'd better get busy. 

Now don't forget I am looking for those squirrel remedies... 

today's sunrise

love and peace...

sunrises and celebrations...

Walking the babies this morning we stopped for a moment to enjoy a beautiful sunrise.  Beau sat and soaked up the beauty, almost as if he could appreciate it. It was breathtaking.  It reminded me of a couple of poems and songs... all of them include if the sunrises tomorrow without me... All of them celebrate a person that has left this plane and letting you know they had a life worth celebrating and to honor it by continuing on with yours. 

Yesterday we honored our friend.  We celebrated his life with the people locally that he impacted by his mere presence, his essence.  As we pulled up to his Y, I was stunned beyond words.  His Y was his baby, he was and is it's heartbeat. The parking lot was filled to capacity.  At this Y, that translates into hundreds of cars, as fast as a spot opened it was refilled. This is definitely not a normal sight. 

Over the hours we spent there, I kept having the same thought, what a testament to a life well lived. This was the first of two memorials.  The fact that a double gymnasium could barely contain the people there to celebrate him, was a powerful thing.  People brought tokens of their memories to share with his family.  There were pictures everywhere the brought the sternest of people to tears, he was a larger than life person that was simply a humble servant.  

I was blessed to spend hours reconnecting with friends and colleagues from a long career that I have left behind.  It was awesome to reconnect with people around our shared memories and stories.  People that I haven't seen in years came.  I hugged so many dear friends, caught up and enjoyed the time with them, some we made tentative plans to meet up later after the heartache simmers for a bit.  To reconnect and enjoy one another's company once again. 

The sunrise this morning felt like a promise.  A gift.  I will probably not see many of the people again, we no longer travel in the same circles.  Yet each of them is a part of who I have become.  Most of those people impacted me in a very positive manner, they weren't meant to be part of my forever story, but they were part of my growth story. 

There were a few that I did not speak to, they also impacted me, but they represented the lessons I learned but will never repeat.  I learned to trust my instincts about people from them.  That number was very, very small.  Those lessons led to the greatest growth.  I knew that I had to learn those lessons to become a better version of myself, but once learned I no longer had need of those people in my life.  They are not a part of my future, they were simply a tool to become a better me. Tool has been utilized, and is useless now. 

As I walked that gym, shared memories, stories, love and reconnected with people I realized how blessed I was.  But even more, I realized how blessed and thankful I am.  I might have laughed a little when folks asked me what I was doing now.  Their faces when I proudly said "I take care of puppies and Hubs" was priceless.  I guess when you go from appearing to be a highly driven professional that works stupid hours to a puppy mom it appears to those still in the race to be a huge demotion in life.  Instead of the incredible promotion that it is. 

Those friends that have also walked away understood. They know that sometimes the greatest gift in the world is the ability to walk away from what isn't serving you and walk into what is elevating you. 

I'm not just a housewife.  I am not a domestic servant.  I am a homemaker.  I create a life for my husband and family.  I am busier than I've ever been, but in a way that fills the soul, if not the wallet. I wonder which currency is the better choice?

I think that I am quite content collecting sunrises, because some day the sun will rise without me here to acknowledge it's beauty.  And when that day comes, I hope that I will have impacted the lives I was meant to impact in the way that was my journey this lifetime. 

I am holding space with love for all of my dear friends and family that are struggling. I am offering hope, prayers and healing energy... 

Stay strong, savor the sunrises and make the absolute most of the moments until the day comes that the sunrises without you here... make a difference, if only in one life, at one time or in one moment... You may never realize the impact while you are here, but the ripples you leave behind will speak to who you were...

love and peace... 

wandering...

Still cold as sin here in the mid-west, can't wait for the warmer weather to stop by and stay.  I am not looking for hot weather, nope, not this girl.  But I definitely want the temps to slide into the 70's and stay there. Although strangely the cold wind feels welcome today.  I'm enjoying the bite against my face, it feels grounding.  In a few hours we will go and join friends to remember a really great human.  Someone that made a serious impact on not only the community he faithfully served, but on everyone blessed to spend time with him. 

I'm struggling with it.  Hard.  He was almost 7 years younger than I am, I shouldn't be going to memorialize him.  Yet, here we are.  Too many are leaving this earth plane way too young.  I feel like every time I blink someone else in the rich and famous column has died suddenly or unexpectedly.  I have far too many friends battling cancers and other illnesses.  This morning I saw a prayer request pop up in our alumni group, I didn't know which classmate was seriously ill, but I stopped to pray just the same. 

A few hours later a dear friend reached out to let me know who it was.  I am sure that most of my classmates don't remember me.  More than likely they remember the guys I dated, the few gals I hung out with.  I wasn't anymore of an extrovert as a younger person than I am now.  In fact, I was probably far less. I remember most of them, some I have to struggle with, but that's just me.  I have never been someone that can remember things easily.  If you are retained we either had an incredible relationship or a devastating one. You impacted my life strongly in any case. Yet when I see a picture or hear a name snippets of my life start to return. 

My friend shared with me that a couple of friends were rallying around and spending time being there with our friend that is sick.  In an odd way that filled my heart with a sense of peace. To know that regardless of time, there were still long time friends that were willing and able to stop their lives for a moment and be present when needed. 

I reached out to the friend needing prayers.  I sent up a few more before I did.  I am sending loving energy and light. I am praying for so many. I'm weary of the death and illnesses that seem to be running rampant.  I'm weary and pained at the number of people hurting. I feel like this road is getting longer and bumpier by the moment. 

We paused for a moment this afternoon, stepped away from the overwhelming feelings. Hubs and I took our babies for a short hike down the road, it's a sunny day, just bitterly cold.  When you are a puppy those things don't matter.  They are exploring their first spring, full of wonder and curiosity. While we were walking and enjoying their adventures, I was looking around myself.  I try to see things through their little eyes.  Watching them cringe a bit when the hawk screeched, seeing their confusion when the woodpecker was pounding away invisibly in the branches above.  The perplexed little looks as the tiny purple butterfly swept past.  Watching them sniffing at everything in sight. Thankful that they missed the little nope rope that was wiggling along the sidewalk - we don't do sticks that wiggle - questioning what it was doing trying to sun itself in the coldness of the day. 

In the midst of all this pain and heartache it was healing to spend time in the sunshine.  To soak in the wonder and remember how trivial we humans are.  To also have that time to reflect, to offer even more prayers and to question the reason for the suffering. 

I pray my classmate hits a turning point and begins to recover quickly.  I am one of those crazy people that will encourage the power of positive self-thoughts, I am hope he is focusing all his energy on healing his body.  On overcoming the illnesses and challenges that are part of his current reality.  I will light a healing candle and meditate on him before going to sleep tonight.  

I have friends struggling to shake illnesses of all kinds.  Others recovering from major surgeries.  It's just so much lately. 

I'm thankful for the happy smiling pictures of my great nephew, he's having a tough go of it right now.  Can you imagine the heartache for his parents that they are currently unable to lift up their baby and hold and comfort him?  I can't.  Yet every picture I see, his sweet eyes are sparkling and he has a huge smile on his face. He's a little guy in a rough way, but he is spreading hope and light to everyone around him. 

Life is tough lately folks. As we struggle through all of the challenges, I hope that I am able to offer comfort and hope to those around me.

Well... I've got to go and get ready to go and celebrate a life well lived and ended far too soon! 

love and peace...

changes...

I started the day in a state of angst.  I was frantically looking for a new hairstyle.  I know that doesn't seem like something to get worked up about, I mean it's hair, it grows.  A bad hair cut is not the end of the world, right??  I decided almost 10 days ago that it was time for something new.  I booked the appointment for this morning and just like that the anxiety started.  I am a fairly plain and ordinary woman, but I do have pretty hair.  I feel blessed to have thick, naturally highlighted hair (or wisdom highlights if you prefer).  I also hate change, while I sometimes crave it, and hate it at the same time. 

After losing so much of my hair post virus/pneumonia last year I was over the moon happy when it started growing back in.  I was a hot mess losing my hair.  At the time it felt like a large part of my identity. It wasn't until I accepted that I might lose the majority of it and had decided that if that happened I would just rock bright colored head scarves that I felt like I was emotionally healing.  

Until I decided to make a change.  I don't know why I felt compelled to do it. I can't begin to even guess what was going through my head when I made that decision, but once committed... I was like bring it on! And that is about the time I also started questioning what I wanted to do.  I am aware that I am not a youngster, I wanted easy without sloppy, have you seen the suggestions for hairstyles for over 50??  I should also note that I am definitely NOT someone that will commit to much time maintaining a hairstyle or putting on make-up. Just not worth it to me. 

By this morning, I almost decided to cancel my appointment.  My hair turned out this morning (isn't that how it always goes?) and I still hadn't decided on the cut.  I even jokingly told Hubs I was going to shave it all off (that is a total joke, because I am never going to shave all my hair off willingly) he was not remotely amused.  Nor do I believe he was amused by the picture of what was cut off laying on the floor.  I'm fairly certain he was wondering if I'd carried through with my joke. 

I don't have any idea why a simple haircut is enough to make me insane, but it is.  One of the reasons I rarely change my style, my anxiety is simply too much if I do. I will admit to being fairly insecure and wondering if people will judge.  The mature side of my brain says who cares if they do, the little girl quietly says "I do". Truth is I don't ever think about my hair unless I am currently in front of a mirror. 

And then I wonder, I worry and I stress.  

Luckily the young lady that cuts my hair is amazing and after looking at a few possibilities and ruling each of them out for a variety of reasons (mostly knowing I am not going to take the time to fix it) we settled on a change.  It's not huge, but it made me happy.  I felt like she had created enough change for my longing to be satisfied but not so much that I was a basket of regret. Which would have happened if I had shaved it all off.  

I can't be the only person that worries about being judged.  I think all of us do to a certain extent, even those people that come off as super confident or even narcissistic. I am not sure where that comes from.  I can't see dogs worrying about how their hair looks.  Does the collar match my hair color?  What is the poodle down the street going to say if my human put the black leash on with the brown collar?  How will I show my face?  I don't think they notice when the step in mud or have leaves stuck to their coats because they were rolling in the dirt.  Yet us humans... we have such anxiety over it all. It's crazy. 

As I checked to see what magic she had worked, and trust me I am all about the magic factor, I took a deep sigh of relief.  Somehow between twenty or so pictures, a lot of conversation and tension, she'd managed to create what I was hoping for.  All the anxiety was gone.  I was happy with the end result.  Ironically, I also managed to even forget that I'd had it cut a few hours ago, until I happened to walk past a mirror and notice it.  

All that angst and anxiety was a completely internal struggle, a quest to be accepted and to avoid a negative judgement that I made up in my mind.  No one is paying that much attention to me and my life, they are all busy wrapped up in their own angst and anxiety. 

I think we miss that part of the scenario, at least I do.  That little devil is sitting on my shoulder reminding me that I'd better measure up to everyone's expectations, when the reality is that no one else is judging me, it's only me.  Just like I am not wasting precious time and energy judging anyone else. If I can't remember the fact that I chopped a bunch of hair off a few hours ago, why would I think anyone else would remember it? 

it was time...

I'm probably good for at least six weeks of not worrying about that trivial thing.  I wonder what my next anxiety point will be.... Or maybe I am finally going to learn to not worry about silly things... What's your bet?

gotta run and finish a few things up... 

love and peace...

getting lost...

The fire is gently crackling, sweet Hubs built me a beautiful one to enjoy on this cold and rainy morning.  Or maybe he built it for the pups, not sure, but thankful just the same.  I'm a bit behind my normal schedule this morning because I decided to sit and enjoy it and do some of the stitching on the quilt.  I'm almost finished with it.  Just need to finish attaching the binding, I decided to do it by hand, it simply looks so much prettier. 

The silence and the fire feel calming to my soul today.  I decided to take a short nap yesterday and paid dearly for it last night.  I couldn't get to sleep, so we start another day feeling less than rested because of it. I don't care how sleepy I get today, I am definitely not giving in.  That was far too many hours to read and lay in silence with nothing but my thoughts. 

My thoughts have been pretty deep and definitely not a sunshine playground lately. Wandering through them in the darkness of night is a touch too much.  Instead, I ultimately tried to loose myself in meditation instead.  It's hard sometimes to simply close off your thoughts and focus on nothing.  I've been struggling a lot with it lately, which probably means that I need to spend more time doing just that. 

I have never been consistent at simply stopping, and working on clearing my mind.  I can lose myself in a guided meditation, but then wonder when I am done if that was what I needed or simply what I picked.  It's scary to me to release myself to wherever the meditation wants me to go.  Digging around into things that probably need healing is a touch unnerving. The what if's start to rage and rant.  What if I have to face something about myself that I am not ready to heal?  What if it opens up wounds that are long since buried? 

Laying in the darkness last night, not able to sleep, I definitely worked to clear my thoughts. Lately,  I have felt drawn more intensely to my own spirituality and the need for meditation, or rather feeling the lack of practicing both.  I've felt pulled back into making time for the peace and beauty in these things. 

Before the puppies and also before my knee surgery, I would silence myself and meditate every day.  I would light a candle, put on either a guided meditation or simply listen to someone playing crystal bowls while I closed my eyes and simply lost my ego self in the solitude. I can remember Neeko sneaking up on me and planting a big wet kiss while I was lost in that space in time.  

I haven't been good at practicing for a while.  My mind got wrapped up in the fact that I am still not able to sit lotus style (like that is a critical point?? Seriously??) I mean, my yoga pillow is still in the truck as I learned it was the perfect height to rest my leg on when traveling.  I had too much rattling around in my head, sitting quietly had become uncomfortable, not the sweet haven it was during some of my most restless times. Losing myself and simply being was not something I would allow for the past few months. 

Ironically, I drew my card this morning and it basically scolded me for not following "my temple path". I used to take long solitary walks in the Botanical Gardens - it's been two years since I did that. I used to keep the first 30 - 45 minutes of my day sacred for mediation and energy work. I used to refuse to pick up my phone during that time, unwilling to allow my electronic leash to engage me and bring negativity into my space. 

As I have been recovering my body, I have been neglecting my inner self.  Anyone else find they do that?  

I've noticed over the past few weeks that I have been finding quiet time when the babies are sleeping that I am tuning this 3D world out.  I am focusing on that vast nothingness that brings peace.  I am feeling drawn into needing that space more and more.  

I didn't light a candle this morning, instead I sat in extreme silence.  The pups were sleeping on my bed and I definitely did not want to disturb them.  Hubs was outside taking care of the trash and doing Hubs stuff.  So I sat in silence, I thought about what my card was telling me, I thought about the readers that I have seen over the past year.  Each of them encouraging me to spend more time in meditation. 

For over 9 months I have been on a physical journey, all of my energy and focus has been poured into that.  I have focused deeply on ingraining healthy eating habits, on being mindful of what I consume and giving thanks for it.  I have tried (often unsuccessfully) to drink enough water on a daily basis during that time.  I have intensely focused on recovering from my knee replacement, pushing my physical limits and healing my body. 

I feel like I am doing fairly well in that area, still work that needs to happen, but it feels like it is under control. Now it feels like I am ready to add back in a daily meditation practice.  A conscious effort to calm my inner self and to focus on the higher good.  It's time to be still. 

I find I spend more time that I want drifting back into scrolling through social media, I lose precious moments watching videos and snippets that people share.  And I feel dragged into it, mindlessly.  Then I question if that isn't the plan.  Last night I spent hours playing a mindless game on my phone.  I was tired, too tired to function was how I justified it to myself.  I'd seen snippets of the game on my phone for weeks and it lured me in, I love to work on mind puzzles.  So I downloaded it and started playing.  

I felt like it was actually controlling me.  For lack of a better way to explain the feeling, the sensation that lingered on the edges of time. I kept mentally saying I was closing my eyes and going to sleep and then I would complete a level and think "okay just one more level and I will".  At no point did it give me a sense of calmness or accomplishment, it just lingered there begging for more attention.  I've found this to happen more than a few times over the advent of all these electronic devices.  I no longer lose myself in books.  Or even in the physical act of playing a game of solitaire.  Yet hours can be stolen on nonsense. 

In the silence, while I sat stitching this morning, I felt those missing pieces.  I sat listening to the crackle, marveling at the tiny stitches (proud of myself for not being that rusty).  I didn't experience that empty feeling. I need more of that in my life. 

As you can see, my deeper thoughts are leading me to a better place as a human.  To being more fulfilled and having a stronger focus on things that are fulfilling.  I think that is where I find the joy in cooking, baking, gardening, creating (in whatever medium I decide that day) it's that deep sense of accomplishment.  Not only in the action of doing, but in the sense of being deeply engaged and part of the creation. 

Well... puppies are resting, my coffee is hot,  the fire is warm and crackling and I have a lot of tiny stitches to get put into this quilt.  It's time to sit and focus on the friends that I am making it for.  To put lots of love and good vibes into it so they will feel it when they sit beneath it on a similar cool and rainy day. 

love and peace... 

when you calm down...

I'm not as fired up today, well maybe I am, but I am too tired to expend much energy on it.  Today my eyes are as heavy as the rain clouds out back.  Not much uninterrupted sleep and it wasn't even my thoughts keeping me awake. 

It was puppies. 

Evidently just as I feel into a deep sleep last night they decided to sing (BARK) for attention, I didn't hear them but Dad sure did.  He came down and tried to calm them, thinking they wanted to go outside or that there was deer or something outside making noise.  He never figured it out, because he left the gate to the stairs open and they rushed upstairs and climbed into bed on top of Mom.  They absolutely refused to leave and proceeded to snuggle up for the night.  

I hope it was a one night thing.  I enjoy stretching out and sleeping until I feel like waking up.  Not worrying all night that they will wake up and get into something or leave me a surprise to step in when I climb out of bed. Although it was awfully sweet to wake up to puppy paws softly reaching out and a warm ball of fur snuggled up feeling safe and cozy. They quit barking as soon as they were back with Mom. This could be the start of something I wasn't ready for.  

I wanted to wait until after their spay and neuter appointment in May, before allowing them to sleep out of their kennels.  Keeping them calm in their kennels is a whole lot easier, especially since they shouldn't climb stairs.  Oh well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.  

I know they didn't sleep incredibly well either since they are already drifting back to sleep this morning.  I'd like to, but I am a bit behind on my chores and I want to finish the quilt today. Since Hubs has a virtual meeting this morning and I can't be down on my longarm while he's trying to hear, I figure I will use that time to clean up, mop floors (again... puppies), make their food and some treats.  By the time he's finished with his meeting, I should be finished with my chores.  Then... it's play time!

I learned yesterday that when you step away from a challenge for long enough, when you process everything that potentially caused the problems in the first place and you ask the universe for help... well it seems the planets align and magic happens.  

After I ranted and raved yesterday, I felt I needed a serious social media break, I needed to step away from society entirely and loose myself in my own thoughts.  So I headed down to my quilting space and decided I was finally going to tackle unquilting that darn quilt.  It's for special friends and it was really making me frustrated that nothing was working for me. So turned on a podcast for distraction, and to mute out the cuss words I knew were going to spew forth and started to work. I do not for the life of me understand why it was so simple, why the unquilting happened as smoothly as the original quilting had gone in, but suddenly it did. 

After probably 20 hours total of trying to get those darn stitches out, in less than three hours they were all removed.  The loose threads were tidied and it was ready to be quilted.  I have to admit I was in heaven.  The first quarter row showed me that the tension was still wrong and had to be ripped out again.  In my frustration I simply turned the knob - no idea if it was even going the right direction at that point, I just took a darn leap of faith.  Stopped and ripped out stitches and started over. To my utter amazement after trying so hard in January to get the tension right, after pulling out over 24 inches of stitches (width of quilt) my frustration had finally gotten it where it needed to be.  The stitches were perfect!

My babies hung out with me, even suckering me to letting them out back for a minute or two.  Beau wanted to go explore, at least Belle stayed close. I can't wait for the fence to be installed, it will be a total game changer. 

When I finally stopped for the night, I'd been quilting for about four hours, I am so close to being done.  I probably would have finished yesterday, but I literally stopped every foot or so of quilting to check the stitches.  If you have ever unquilted a quilt you will totally understand the fear was real. If not, thank your lucky stars. 

I am finishing that quilt today.  It isn't even up for negotiation.  I want to deliver it before the week is out.  My dear friends have been incredibly patient waiting for their Christmas present.  And I couldn't be more grateful.  Sometimes you simply have to walk away from something that has your heart and mind swirling until you can approach it calmly.  I feel the same way about "that sweater".  I simply had to put it away for a bit.  I will start working on it again when I am calm and ready to deal with the mess that it currently is. Or I will frog it and use the yarn for another project where I will love it, because I am not loving it. 

I guess that is kind of how I felt yesterday, my frustration with our world was off the charts.  I know there is nothing I can do in the current moment in time to impact any of it, so I knew that I needed to step away. I think I will be doing a lot of stepping away for a bit.  I am going to focus on things I can impact at the current moment, I don't do well with feeling helpless - I mean I am a Leo after all.  We do tend to want to be in control of things around us.  

I also feel like Mother Nature is telling me to calm down and cool my jets, it's going to be cool and rainy for at least the next week or so.  Seems March is trying to go out as a lion.  It's perfect for me to focus on my own little space.  And with the new moon coming on April 1, it is the perfect time for me to "get my house in order" before it arrives.  She's encouraging me to get all of my chores done before the camping season begins and I don't want to do any of them. A gal has to have priorities right?

It's time to get started doing life... Maybe tomorrow will include a picture of a quilt...

love and peace... 

deep thoughts...

The treetop garden is loving the rain that fell all night, hopefully I will see things starting to sprout this week.  There is nothing quite like the birth of spring.  Last night we were walking and I saw one of the biggest trees in the neighborhood covered with the soft glow of spring leaves.  It's such a beautiful color, full of hope and promise.  

The tree outside my window is in a hurry this year, the pretty little white flowers have barely burst through and the leaves are already sprouting.  This time of birth is so magical to me, I love experiencing spring,  bursting forth to it's fullest potential.  For years and years I only observed this time of year through a window.  Longing to be outside, praying for a break that I could go sit in the sun.  This is the first time in almost 18 years that I will get to fully enjoy the beauty of the season.  I am beyond excited. 

Today will be a mixture of cloudy skies and rain.  But we all need a bit of that to develop to our fullest. Right now I have a lot of family and friends that are going through that period of cloudy skies and rain in a figurative way.  My sweet little great nephew is struggling hard, they are trying to keep him healthy enough to heal so that he can have the next surgery.  It's tentatively scheduled for the end of the month, we'll see.  Little guy managed to catch the same virus that put him in the hospital less than a month ago, he's fighting to get well again.

I have to tell you, I am amazed at the strength, love and hope that his parents, grand parents and the entire family is showing.  I am only his great aunt, and I don't know that I am as strong as the rest of them.  I firmly believe the saying that you never know how strong you are until you aren't given a choice.  They are a living testament to it.  

I know that all I can do is continue to pray, offer any support needed and send all the positive healing energy I can.  I also ask friends and family to do the same.  

In a way I feel our entire world is going through a period of rebirth and it's painful.  So many things are going on that no longer feel like happenstance. They aren't coincidences and personally I am struggling with so many things that we have been "taught" over time. Slowly but surely, I am coming to feel that far too many things that seemed like national or global tragedies or crisis's were far more likely planned and executed.  So many things have been hidden and glossed over.  We've been told so many stories and lies.  

The more time I spend disconnected and not participating in the media and the social constructs we've all been programmed to accept, the more I feel I see it clearly for what it is.  We can't be here simply to work, sleep and do it all over again.  We are meant for far greater things, to experience life, to be connected to not only the earth but to one another, I do not believe we were ever meant to be so disconnected from each other or our beautiful planet.

Most of us are working strictly to benefit some major corporation or company.  We aren't truly benefitting from any of it. Even those of us that are blessed to work for ourselves end up giving more of what we earn to someone further up the food chain. When we demand higher wages, they simply raise the cost of everything so that we are no further ahead than when we began. Doesn't it strike anyone odd that there was a time a house payment was about $100 a month and people struggled to pay it?  A loaf of bread was a nickle?  And let's not even go into how much a gallon of gas was. I used to own a classic car, she was a beautiful 1963 Mercury Comet, I was the second owner.  I had her original bill of sale, fully loaded with the custom wheels, she was less than $2500.  Can you imagine buying a brand new car for that amount?  Today you'd be lucky if all the parts were included and it ran for that amount. 

Here's the thing slowly but surely wages have risen, in lockstep so have the costs.  While the margin of wealth of the average individual has shrunk.  If they raise the cost of your home, your vehicle etc it isn't because it is something of higher value, nothing has changed much in the value, but because someone needs to make a greater profit off of you the individual they raise the value and then raise the tax amount and interest that you have to pay to own those things. 

We want to believe that we are simply paying a small portion of our income in taxes, when the reality is it is far greater and we are actually only getting a small portion of our wages to do with as we please. It's a giant shell game and we are all the suckers trying to guess where the ball is. 

Someone posed a question the other day about property taxes and personal property taxes.  I've always been very opposed to them and struggle hard to process my thoughts around it.  When reading comments, someone had said... don't you find it odd that you pay sales tax when you buy it, you make monthly payments - if you couldn't buy it outright - and then every year you are paying a tax just to have your own property. Add in to that the taxes that you pay on gas.  I mean, seriously?  As I processed all of that I felt even more disgust at the situation. It's bad enough that every year just in time for Christmas in our state you get a nice hefty bill due by the 31st of December.  It's on any vehicle you owned on January 1 of that year.  And you pay the full year on every vehicle.  Hubs and I lost one and sold one last year in July, yet we still had the awesome opportunity to pay for a full year of personal property taxes on both of them. Talk about rubbing salt into a wound. 

Our Mayor is pushing for people to vote next month for Prop U.  It's to charge additional taxes on your online purchases.  Because people are shopping more online than they are shopping locally.  So they want a piece of that in addition to what you are already paying in taxes for state taxes, and oh yeah the country wants to pass one too. As I listened to him trying to explain the good the money would do for our community, how it would allow us to once again go back to not paying the $6 per month we pay for trash I started to really consider what he was saying. 

In exchange for increasing the cost of every item I buy online, I will save $6 a month.  So that they can have more cash available to pay for city workers salaries (they need to offer higher salaries), healthcare (they don't want to make them pay higher premiums) , etc in addition to allowing everyone in the city to stop paying their $6 a month for trash. And if there is anything left over maybe do some nice things for the city. So wait, you are buying a new city hall and decided that instead of just using the building as is you are now going to do some major renovations because you like nice things, but you are financing that on the backs of the community. 

Lets not forget that when people shop online they are not being fair to the local businesses.  Huh?  Is it possible that people shop online because the local businesses aren't meeting their needs?  That they are nothing but big box companies that tell you what you get to choose from (only allowing you to trade in your tokens for things they deem of need or value), prohibiting you from purchasing things that would provide you better health (yes, I know that is the government), that raise their prices and provide less?  That make you wait in line for an extreme amount of time because they don't have enough employees yet there are always three or four standing around not helping and socializing. 

All of it is messed up.  Think about it from a non-influenced place. When you step away from the mass delusional hysteria that has swept the globe it's easy to see that you are simply being used to generate money.  Because somehow, at some point money became far more important than people, the earth, our spirits, our very lives. 

I don't know where this birthing process will lead.  I am praying that it leads us to a better place.  Where we learn our value and not the dollar amount assigned to us, like we are cattle for some wealthy persons benefit. 

In my personal utopia we are self-sufficient, we look out for one another without the all powerful folks interfering.  Where we stop being so self-righteous and judgmental of our fellow man.  Where the last thing we would ever do is intentionally hurt another for whatever reason, and immediately make amends when we do so unintentionally.  A world where we rally around to lift those up that need it. 

I am not here to simply work, work, work.  None of us are. We are also not here to be controlled.  We've been conditioned to believe that if we don't have gobs and gobs of rules and laws there will be anarchy, chaos and destruction. I am questioning that more and more as days go by. I am beginning to believe that all those rules and laws are to control us, to make us unable to defend, feed and nurture ourselves. To make us dependent little sheep. 

I'm not saying there shouldn't be laws against harming your fellow man. But how different might life be if we hadn't had some of our own moral compass stripped away over the years? Besides, what kind of benefit is it to not allow the sale of raw milk in some states, the inability to raise chickens, the use of natural medicines, etc... That is about control. 

Wow, as you can tell I am in a bit of a mood.  Don't know why?  I just feel like so many things are becoming clearer to me.  So much is making sense that didn't.  I'm not sure if it is a good feeling or a sense of angst and semi-hopelessness at situations that feel beyond control. Beyond the point of no return. 

what a goofy way to enjoy their antlers...

Instead of stressing out about things that at this moment in time I cannot change, I think I am going to focus on sending healing love and light to my great nephew and go work on projects that I can impact while I spend a few moments extra enjoying my babies. It's a time of great changes, it's a time of seeing things with clear vision, it's a time of holding your own value and not letting anyone lessen it. 

love and peace... 

exhausted already...

How is it that I've only been awake an hour and I am ready to crawl back in bed.  I'm worn out already. Our sweet Belle is full of fire and vinegar today.  She has been pushing to have her own way and do what she wants for the past hour.  Almost snagged herself a bird and thought she was big enough to chase down a few deer. She has been on full diva mode since she woke up.  Dad took her toy and threw it back in the house so we could walk, she ran back and grabbed it. Then gave  him the stink eye when he picked it up where she dropped it and took it back in.   She pounced poor Beau non-stop and even managed to over turn the water bowl.  Whew!

Now she is lying all sweet and calm on the sofa acting like she is the queen of the world.  Oops, spoke too soon, she was actually lying in wait to pounce Beau yet again.

She is definitely a stinker. It's going to be a long year to eighteen months while she outgrows her teenage years. And I think she just slid headlong into them. Truth is, it will be just like with our kids and it will fly by in a flash and we will wonder where it went.  I look at their baby pictures and cannot believe those sweet tiny babies are my big babies now. 

Thank goodness that at this point my baby Beau is proving to be very laid back and relaxed.  He is not in the least bit interested in her shenanigans. He's Mr. Mellow.  I am so thankful. I love her high spirits, but Beau is more my spirit animal.  Life is swirling all around him and he's just sitting there taking it in and being him.  

Belle is watching TV with Dad.

All of this has happened in an hour.  I feel it is going to be a long day, oh well... I wouldn't trade them for the world I am so blessed. 

So... how did everyone celebrate Ostara?  Did you get a bit of gardening in (if you are in the warmer areas of the hemisphere)? Maybe started plants inside?  Were you able to walk in the sunshine? Did you take full advantage of the longer daylight?  

We sure did. We skipped a winery in favor of going to lunch with our oldest and sitting out on the patio having margaritas and visiting.  It was absolutely wonderful, we don't usually get time alone with just her. We finally have the chance to really get to know her, to learn about the parts of her life that we missed.

Later in the day we took the babies walking in the neighborhood.  We saw a bunch of our favorite neighbors and had the chance to chat and catch up.  Making plans for the warmer months, there is definitely going to be wine and patios/back decks involved. Several neighbors even mowed their lawns already.  Wow, did I feel like a slacker, because I haven't even cleaned up all the leaves that have blown in since the last time I tidied it in January. Oh well, we'd decided it was a perfect day for kicking back and relaxing and that is absolutely what we did. 

Hubs is having his team over for lunch today.  So I have a bit of cleaning up to do, having two boisterous puppies means that is a never ending cycle.  I also need to get a dessert made, Hubs has a crazy sweet tooth and he loves to have something sweet to end a meal. 

It looks like the rain is going to hold off, so after everyone leaves I will get my doors finished and maybe even tidy the front beds a bit.  We'll see what mother nature decides to do.  It sure would be a blessing. 

I know I mentioned the work I was going to do on the featherweight case, well it has taken a completely different direction.  That wood is unbelievably dry and brittle, it is very evident that it has been very wet and possibly dropped in its 70+ years of life.  I'm not giving up on it, but we are definitely going with a plan B for repairing it.  Removing the hardware was a bust, I have the damaged fingers to prove it, but I have been able to remove all the glue and will sand it once all of the wood glue has dried for 48 hours.  

After that all happens I am going to start applying wood conditioner to it. I think I am ultimately going to paint it, but have a few other ideas bouncing around in my head to make it stronger and possibly usable again. First I need to see if we can put some life back into the wood.  I've decided to leave the hardware attached and work around it.  It will be far more difficult than the original plan, but it's simply too old and damaged to follow that course of action. I've already talked to my sister in law and she is a-okay with whatever and not at all worried.  Thank goodness. 

Well... as much as I want to sit here in the sunshine and sip my coffee I need to get busy. I haven't taught the pups to do housework and Hubs is working, so that leaves me... 

Enjoy this wonderful day that we have been blessed with.  Find a way to do absolute good for one another and savor each moment.  They truly do go by in a flash. 

love and peace...