Yesterday I'd been deep in a meditation when my dear Hubs turned on the lights and brought me coffee. Usually he is the first one awake, today was definitely the exception. I was enthralled with this meditation, I didn't know what to expect when I chose it, yet it drew me in so deeply. So I was a bit bummed to be jarred out of it. Even if it was for a good morning kiss and the smell of hot coffee, two of my favorite things in the world!
Since I wasn't going back to sleep this morning and I knew that my brain definitely needed to be shut down for a bit... I reset that meditation, stretched out and lost myself for a full 30 minutes. It was heavenly! When it was time to come back to "reality" I was actually reluctant. The space that I'd wandered into mentally was so warm, deep and calming. I felt connected to the heavens above and the power of the earth below. For that space in time I was completely focused elsewhere. I needed that.
I am fairly certain I will be relying on that particular meditation a lot in the coming weeks. I need that grounding. I need as much grounding and centering as I can get. My soul is definitely letting me know that I am entering into a period of time that will test me, force me to grow, a time that will force me to evolve. Mentally, emotionally and physically.
I find it odd and refreshing that so much is occurring at this time. Spring is a time of rebirth. Gaia is renewing herself. Even sitting here now, in the darkness before dawn, I can hear the rain falling steadily, the birds chirping loudly as if they are calling out to make sure each of their family and friends have survived a night of storms. Checking in.
My check in circle is still very small. Not much space to move around in, so to speak. I'm still very much in my own space. My energy and strength reserved. I am not sure when or even if it will expand anytime soon.
They say that change does not occur when you are content and comfortable. It occurs when you encounter strong resistance. It occurs when the current situation, feelings, thoughts, etc become simply too much to take.
I am finding myself at a place that is forcing me to look ahead. To explore, to plan, to experience other things.
As Hubs and I are starting to think about the future ahead, what a life without our current careers could look like it's scary, exciting, invigorating and thought provoking. I worry that we are both seeing things differently and I wonder how it will all come together.
I am less of a risk taker than he is. I also have less belief in myself than he does. For almost 18 years he has had belief in my dreams. He's pushed me, he's encouraged. If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know that he almost bully's me into believing in myself, my talents and definitely my dreams.
I am a person that thrives in the creative world. If money had never been a reason, I would have forever been at home creating. My interests jump and skip around. Depending on the season, the amount of time I have, the needs of my family, and so many other little things. I am not a spreadsheet, meetings, and more meetings person.
Yet, this human experience has often meant little time for the stuff that expands my heart and soul and more time given to the things that give me less fulfillment, more angst and stress. That is the way it is for most of us. Most of us, have bought into a narrative that involves an almost slavish existence. We have allowed outside influences to direct our human experience. Go to work to afford things. Like things, work more for material things because the alternative isn't such a quick "fix". To chase dreams involves sacrifice, time, a willingness to do "without" the things this modern world says we need.
As I am standing toe to toe with some of these realities, I am trying to make smart decisions, I am being my usual cautious self. My precious risk taking soul mate is losing patience. He is starting to be persistent. Starting to force me to that risk taking space that he is comfortable in.
This past weekend we went to Paducah, Kentucky. One of my favorite spaces to be. I get lost in the quilt museum, the history of this wonderful town, and of course the Nice Rock Shop. I found it's owner on YouTube last year as the world was shutting down and in a terrifying place. As we were being forced to accept the dramatic change. (Each of us has our own thoughts, feelings and beliefs around this event - I am not sharing mine).
I was blessed to be able to have a reading, well possibly two. I enjoyed my time and conversation with Rowen so much, I felt encouraged and enlightened.
I enjoyed my brief conversations with Susan even more. I was so grateful to be able to thank her in person for the videos and messages that resonated so strongly with me last summer. I'd excitedly bought her book a bit earlier in the day, I was very drawn to read it, as I carved out time in two days to completely read it I am even more clear as to why I was drawn to it. It took me hours to work up the courage to ask her to sign it.
Some of you don't really know or understand the depth of introvert that I truly am. I have a mask that I wear for life, a persona that I am able to put into place to exist in life. Yet something like that, is enough to make me physically ill. Again my sweet Hubs, my rock and soul mate, encouraged me.
I waited until the store was slower, my daughter had just finished her reading and was gathering the large praying Buddha that she was buying for her home, when I asked Susan if she would sign my book. I knew what it would mean to me, I didn't realize what it would mean to her. Her beautiful smile as she rapidly grabbed her pen told me all I'd missed.
With Hubs standing there we chatted for a moment or two as I spelled out my name for her. She quickly realized that I follow her on Facebook, the spelling gave me away I'm sure. She started to write and stopped. Told me I had gifts, I told her I did not. Her laughter as she pointed to the air around her and said they are definitely disagreeing with you, made me smile. She asked me if I worked with animals. That is when my smart ass kicked in and I said I work with people, so yes the two legged kind. Wrapped up in the moment I didn't see Hubs had stepped away and left me in the conversation alone. Susan seemed wrapped up in her own moment before she wrote in my book.
I can usually read perfectly upside down, but I couldn't make out what she'd written, so when she finished and said I have never gotten that message before I quickly asked her what message.
"Be sure to trust yourself, we do... Arch Angels"...
I have had many readings, I have deep faith in the things that we cannot see. I often know things, I can't tell you why or how, but I know them. So many times I have been told that I have many guides, ascended Masters and even Angels watching over and guiding me. That I am strong, I am a leader and a teacher. That I have many gifts if I would trust in them.
Most of those things are not things I personally feel apply to me. So that simple line felt like a jolt.
All of it is so in line with where my heart is, where my steps are leading me. As I thanked her and accepted my book back, she said I hope you enjoy it, it's a bit weird. Having followed her and met her, I already felt like she was my kind of weird. Having read her book, I know she is! I highly recommend "Voices in My Head: Firsthand account of messages from God" By Susan Edwards.
I have read every page. Between her and Hubs... I'm feeling ready to start taking those next steps. I am weary of not following my own path and beating my own drum. I'm not ready yet to follow the path with wild abandon. There are things to wrap up, finish and learn, but that path is forming in a more solid way. I can see it forming from the mist in my mind. I'm starting to feel the joy and desire to stroll down it, to become familiar with it, to experience more...
No comments:
Post a Comment