clearing my path..

The pouring rain on the chimney cap was the gentle sound that woke me early this morning. As I spent time this morning in prayer and meditation I felt my world balancing.  Something I have long ago given up.  As I had a silent conversation, I reaffirmed my willingness to allow God and all of my guides to help me move forward. 

The past year or so has truly shown a spotlight on the imbalances.  I have neglected my health for too many years.  I have focused on things that truly have done nothing for me as a person.  I have accepted far too many things as okay, that were not.  I've struggled to understand why.

In deep meditation I made the decision to release it all to a higher power. To really start the journey to me.  To commit to letting go of things that do not serve me, that do not serve my highest good and do not feed my soul's journey. 

I've been letting fear lead me in too many areas.  Fear of the unknown is powerful.  It leads us into situations that steal our joy, keep us trapped and takes things from us that if left to run untethered can never be brought back. 

Yesterday was full of odd feelings, odd events and even verification of information that made me feel hollow inside.  It also started a waterfall of why's.  I spent the evening lost in thoughts, questioning my self-worth and conviction.  Slowly I moved out of that funk, into a clear head space.  

I prepared dinner, focusing on all the small steps.  Slicing the onions thin and even.  Slowly warming the avocado oil and using the best ingredients I had available, adding the potato pierogi and slowly tending them to their perfect state.  I added a glass of beautiful red wine and spent time talking with my dear sweet Hubs.  

After feeling confident that we were on the same page, both ready to move forward with plans, hopes and dreams, I felt the start of the scales sliding into balance. I am both stronger and wiser than I often give myself credit for and I am tired. 

Listening to societies messages, the stories that society tells you to control you has a very negative impact on a persons emotional health. The non-stop need to do more, to give more.  The subtle messages that scream you are not good enough, do more.  Or that we as humans do not fit in if we do not meet the check boxes assigned to us. For most of my life I have had people trying to change me.  To draw the narrow lines that I am allowed to walk with in.  I think most of us have experienced that in some way or another.  Too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too smart, too ignorant, too quirky, too different, too... well you can fill in your adjective. Depending on the path you are on, it is always there. 

Yet there I was sitting beside a loving husband, who has spent so much time and energy trying to convince me to follow my dreams. To even dare to do so.  I have fallen back on all of the excuses.  Let fear of failure be a compass I followed. Listened to the world telling why not and not being brave enough to focus on why. 

So last night, even though I was tired.  Even though the day had been filled with more and more of those things that overwhelm me, I chose to head down to the man cave, to my long arm machine and tackle a few of those fears.

Hours worth of time spent researching the problems I have been having with my long arm led me to the confidence to try again.  Sweet Hubs was exhausted after a night of little sleep, yet he semi-slept and watched television in the chair near me. Constantly checking on the progress I was making.  Had we finally discovered all of the quirky little things I was doing wrong?  As I finished the last three rows of design, it went smoothly.  Nothing needed torn out. I guess we discovered the errors. 

As the last stitch went in, I did something I am always loathe to do.  In fact it is one of the reasons I have stalled at moving forward with my dreams.  I went back and started tearing out the errors to restitch.  It will take a fair amount of time today to make those corrections.  

Tearing out and repairing mistakes is much harder than making them. 

Wow, if that isn't a metaphor for life. Or at least mine.  

I have committed to taking these steps, in many ways.  I have released my anxiety and fears to a higher power.  I am committed to focusing on the journey that I wish to be on.  The one that will bring greater joy, a balance that I have longed for, and a peace that has for too long been missing. 

All of it will take longer.  But it won't happen unless I finally choose to make it happen. 

I choose the path I want to follow.  I choose happiness, peace, joy, fulfillment and most importantly, I choose me.  

My true authentic self. 

I choose to no longer push myself into a mold. I choose to not accept when others tell me I am not enough.  I choose to be the human that I was born to be.