silence...

It's quiet. 

Almost too quiet.  Coming from someone that loves the stillness of silence, that is saying something.  I can hear the hum of electricity to the various devices.  An occasional snort or snore from Neeko.  And the clicking of the keyboard.  That's all.

No sounds outside on this dreary, overcast morning.  No shouts, no dogs barking, nothing.

I guess it matches how I feel right now.  It feels empty. It feels hollow and quiet.

Soon the world will spring to life, people will wake up, activities will happen, stuff will begin. But in this small moment in time, it just feels... quiet.  The boy and his girl have returned to the coast, I was going to say sunny coast, but I am fairly sure it is raining there also.  And our girl is wrapped up in being the perfect hostess to other parts of her family.  Hubs and Neeko are sleeping. 

For two weeks I have been blessed to have my youngest home.  It is a rare thing and I cherish each moment.  He came prepared to learn new things, to spend time with me doing things I enjoy.  When he headed out, he left me his first two crochet projects.  One is hanging on the tree, the other is sitting beside me.  My Yoda's went with him, so did a large part of my heart.

I am so proud of all that he is doing in life.  He has grown into a man while I was still looking for my baby boy.  Long gone is the tow headed toddler, with chubby cheeks and sparkling eyes reaching for my hand for security. He's gone on to much greater things, he has an awesome career. He's now one of the first members of Space Force, he leads people, he is part of the future. 

I am so proud of him. 

Yet, I am so sad that he has gone back home.  I was lost last night.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I had gotten into such a rhythm of sitting down at the table each night and helping them learn a new skill.  From about 10p to midnight we worked on the crochet projects each evening.  As they quit hating the magic loop and embraced it.  While my coastal kids flew west, I sat and worked on a pattern for them. He'd found a Yoda cup coozie, simple pattern.  The creator wanted $18 for the pattern or $8 to purchase a pre-made one. I told him, I would create a pattern for them while they flew west.  I completed it, just before they landed. I still need to type up my notes, but they will be able to create it.

I'm unbelievably proud of my girl too.  I hate that she lives so close, yet life keeps us from doing more together.  I am going to work on that in the coming year.  When I left yesterday she was playing hostess to the entire paternal side of her youngest daughter's family.  The baby is only 2, she probably won't even remember what mom is dealing with for her happiness, yet she is doing it anyway. Because she is that kind and loving person.

Hubs and I are left dealing with the silence.  It's hard the first few days.  Soon we will fall back into our routines.  Although we are busy making plans for the coming year (s), setting goals and benchmarks that we want to meet in our personal life.  We're both good at following the goals assigned to make someone else successful, we are not always good at doing things that fill our personal buckets, that help us reach our personal goals. 

I won't speak for Hubs, but I am working on a clear path.  I am a visual person.  Yet, I often fail to focus on things that are important to me.  Having observed our children closely over the past few weeks.  I feel I have things to learn from them. They are both planners, I am too.  But they both write those plans down.  They both develop SMART goals to achieve them.  I develop SMART goals all the time, but they are for work related projects.  I feel like this last shift in the universe has seriously shifted my thought processes. 

Walking Neeko this morning, I normally would scroll through my phone, I didn't.  I was working on my dream book/planner that I got for Christmas from Hubs before I left working through the questions that help you develop your plans and goals. So instead of mindless surfing, I focused on being intentional while walking him.  On thinking and observing.  I took time to chat with the pup.  I doubt he understood the words, I know he understood the love and compassion.

This year of loss has been tough.  First our Snug, then my Gator... Neeko is our last remaining fur baby.  And we are always aware that he is now 15, the years are definitely catching up to him. Hubs and I are very aware that our time left with him is very limited.  We are cherishing it.  And at the same time bracing ourselves, while praying feverishly that the bridge is still a long time away.

As I sat in the silence this morning, thinking, processing, planning.  I felt a peace that I have been missing.  Maybe it is the very act of planning life out.  I love paths, plans, journey's that are thought out, all too often I fly by the seat of my pants because life has gotten too crazy and moving too fast.

I need the slowness of the past few weeks.  I need time to process and to feel, to savor the moments. 

Changes have slowly been occurring, plans have been being laid, I've been executing them in baby steps.  But just like that baby takes staggering steps and falls down a lot as they are growing, they also become that toddler.  They still fall, but they always get back up and they move faster and faster each time.  Those halting, uneven steps become a lopsided gallop, I feel I am at that gallop point.  I'm not ready to run, but I am definitely ready to gallop and skip...

I need to bring my personal life into focus.  It has to stop being the fuzzy outlines, out of focus and hovering.  It's time.  Sitting in the silence, as the world slowly awakens, I feel like I am awakening too, in a new and exciting space.

Guess it's time to buckle up for the journey ahead...

presence...

with a "c"... that is how my daughter described the gifts of this holiday season. 

She's right! Yesterday found us all sitting in a loud mall food court, so the boy could have Sarku one more time before returning to the coast - which is barren of that particular delicacy. It was overly loud, we basically sat in extreme silence, because we couldn't hear each other anyhow. 

Just sitting together.  Me, snuggling the youngest dragon, as she was in that kind of mood.  Soft kisses on the head and on the finger that she cut while painting mommy's carpet and stealing a soda can from one of her older siblings.  Looking around the table at everyone munching, seems so mundane to the outsider, but for me it was pure heaven.

After wandering and returning a gift that wasn't going to be used, we headed to the gaming store.  Where the returned gift became a needed gift.  Double win on that one.

A dog walk later and we headed to St. Louis Union Station, we knew the aquarium did not have any tickets, but that was okay, it's the girl's new favorite hangout. We considered the Ferris Wheel, not too seriously - I'm terrified of heights and those lines!  None of us were game for that kind of madness with a toddler. We enjoyed the Fire and Lights display a couple of times and even found the opportunity for a snack at the Soda Fountain. That place smells overly sweet as soon as you walk in. 

We did decide on the Mirror Maze and Mini-Golf.  It was a blast.  I was a bit sad to see so many thing broken in the maze, when it had only recently opened.  It was crazy fun just the same. I will say that more than once someone, read the baby dragon, ran into the mirrors face first.  She finally got wise and held hands so that someone else hit the glass first. It's worth the few dollars it cost for the price of giggles.  It will be better when they fix the broken items.

Mini-Golf with a toddler.  Interesting.  It was a great evening, we had so much fun.  It was an almost warm night for most of the evening.  I managed to retain my worst golfer ever title!  I was pretty proud of that accomplishment, I simply cannot golf - even the mini version is simply not for me. It was full of giggles, bragging, one-up-manship, it brought out the competitive in sweet Hubs like no tomorrow.  We discovered you could play mini-golf and be the lowest scorer in a dress and heels, and that a mom can swing a mean golf club while carrying a toddler.  She can also use said toddler as a prop to get a two swing hole on a par 3.

As the attractions started closing and the crowds started to thin out we wrapped up our game and headed back to our cars. It was the holiday's of old for me.  Time, the most precious gift of all had been spent.

Walking back, I was asking my girl what color shoes I could replace her Christmas ones with, as she had already bought herself two of the ones I bought her.  That's when she told me I'd been giving her the best presents around, they were present's with a "c".  We've done tons of fun things, visited, talked, shared meals and just enjoyed each other. As the boy is getting ready to head home tomorrow I realized that is what we've been doing also.

The greatest gift of all!

This Christmas has completely been about presence.  And I feel unbelievably blessed because of it. So much time with everyone! 

family...

The day after Christmas, one day closer to the kids heading back to the coast. The clock feels like a betrayer, as time flies more rapidly past. Heck even Mother Nature is in on the act, as it is in the 50's already.  Did we somehow fast forward past winter?  

I cherish this time with my kids, they are spread across the country and technically, I get them all home every two years.  That is a long time.  Too long. 

I cherish the laughter, the smiles, the small things that remind me so much of their childhood's.  I love watching them pick on each other - out of pure love.  The wicked smiles and the sparkling eyes. 

Yesterday was a wondrous day.  From opening presents in the early morning light, to ending the day watching a movie, of all things Forrest Gump, as a day full of love, too much yummy food, and lack of sleep overwhelmed us all.  It was magical.  

There were more than a few moments when emotions almost got the best of me.  A random carol that reminded me of my Dad, the reminders that the kids would be leaving soon - yes they could stay for good and I would be okay with it. 

I could completely have a few dozen acres with a couple of houses on it for all of us to live together.  Where I could see them all whenever my heart needed to. The girl lives within walking distance, I don't see her often, but enough to fill my heart with love. Since that isn't likely to happen ever, I feel it's time to start planning life a bit better.  Make time to go and visit them, make memories somewhere other than home.

I felt like this Christmas was filled with understanding of where people are in their lives, what would bring joy without overwhelming. Of course I spoiled all the kids, but very little of it was fluff.  In fact, 99% was needed and useful.  

I am truly not sure what my favorite gift was, as Hubs keeps asking me. All of my gifts have been so wonderful and each one is super meaningful to where I am in my life.  I think the greatest gift has been the gift of time.  Hanging out with the Hubs, kids, grands.  Hours spent talking.  Sitting in front of the fire.  Laughing and cringing at the youngest one's shenanigans. Everyone having time to rest, do what fills their buckets (yep, Hubs even got a couple of motorcycle rides in).  

For me... this was priceless. 

As we move into the post holiday "stuff"... I will move into more practical thoughts and activities.  But for the next few days, I will cherish this time with my family.  I will soak up the joy that is found in the do nothing days. 

Soon enough, the magic fades, the kids return to their coastal home, we return to every day. But today is to cherish. 

waiting...

t'was the night before Christmas...

Okay, so it's the day before the night before Christmas, but close enough.  My kiddo's are still snoozing and Hubs and I are simply chilling.  At least for the moment.  We've had a busy morning, running to the Doc for my knee (gotta love a needle in the knee for Christmas!), grabbing some last minute ingredient requests for the kids that were still sleeping when we went shopping yesterday, and just doing the things.

I am feeling so rested.  Something I have been seriously lacking in my life for well over a year.  The time to slow and simply be has caused me to feel creative, to dream and to do.  Going to a movie for a few hours was a treat, not a worry, a fear of what I might be failing to get completed.  I won't lie, I've been keeping an eye on work.  Responding when needed.  But absolutely not focusing on it.

I've spent time meditating and enjoying the time with Hubs and Kiddo's.  Christmas lights, wagon rides, hours spent creating and chatting.

I am cherishing these moments.  All of them.  I am guarding them and protecting them. They are priceless. All too quickly things can change, as I was reminded yesterday by the call I got from one of my team.  One of our long time "Y family" member's had passed away.  She'd been ill, we had expected something to happen, just not so soon.  Just not that.  We'd hoped and prayed that treatment would if not cure her at least extend her life. All too soon, it changed.

I know that not everyone celebrates Christmas. I feel that all of us can benefit from the joy, compassion, love and acceptance the season represents. I love to hear the joy in people's voices.  I feel overflowing with love at what I witness all around me.  The random acts of kindness that this time of year seems to magnify are so warming to the soul.  I just wish that it didn't take a special time of the year to encourage that type of goodness and love. 

My Christmas wish this year?  Give love, cherish the ones you have close, honor the memory of those passed on, hold space for those that need it and find a way to simply give in this world filled with hurt and loneliness.  Be that bright and shining light of love!

the moments...

Right now, in this silent moment, my world feels pretty incredible. Everyone is resting, waiting for our pizza to arrive. I am sitting here just being still!

Our son and his lady came home for Christmas, when you wait so long between visits, it's painful.  I spent Thursday night a week ago with our girl and her crew and several plus ones.  Listening to my eldest grand daughter sing.

I had an amazing time with the team I lead, so proud of those amazing people. Then my peer team.  Such a great group of ladies, lead by an awesome guy - sure we can be his Diva's, he supports us, we want to make that support valuable.  It's a win win.

Even with the hurry and scurry of life, it's been good.  Very good!

As we are coming to the end of the year, with Christmas around the corner, I am weary, but it's a good weary. I don't know what it is about my boy coming home.  Maybe it's because it is such a rare thing, that I find joy in simply stopping everything and just being.  I am enjoying all the moments.  I worry less about the have to's and savor each want to.

I am giving myself permission to move at a slower more comfortable pace. In a year that has been marked by loss of fur babies and far too little rest.  This gift of time has been most amazing.

In the days that the boy has been home, we've chatted, shopped, gone out in the snow, worked on crochet projects (because that was his gift to me - teaching him how!), cooking meals for the family and there have been hours filled with simply being.  The kids, the oldest grand and myself went and created our painting masterpieces, Hubs managed to "gift" his seat to the oldest grand.  I had been hoping he would go, but... It's okay, I don't think he would have done well with them telling him what to do.  But I would have loved having him participate just the same.   As it was the grand and her mom had their patience tested by the instructor telling them what to do and when to do it. Hubs has a bit less patience than they do, so it was probably a good thing. 

Am I living in a utopia, nope.  Would I want to? Nope.

Outside there is a world filled with worries, grief and anger. I have been praying for babies sick and fighting for their lives in hospitals here in the city.  Offering prayers to comfort their families as they spend their days in hospitals, instead of decorating for the holiday they are excited to celebrate. 

If I turned on the news or actually read a news feed, I am sure that my world would be darker and less fulfilling.  I am choosing not to.  Yes, I've heard it all.  I am making a choice to ignore it all.  Not because it isn't important nor because I don't care.  It's because I have come to learn that my impact is in searching for truth and honoring those truths with my words, actions and how I spend my dollars. Not by losing sleep or being stressed because of news, social media or things that are made to make me feel some way.

I chose to watch silently from the sidelines, gathering facts and reserving my thoughts for a time when they matter. It's amazing what you see while sitting on the sidelines, enjoying your life, spending quality time with your family and doing what is truly important.

My sweet boy is a planner, he likes his life nice and orderly. I think I also thrive in that environment.  Each day we know what we are eating, what activity is happening, etc.  There is no further thought needed as we move through the structure and enjoy each other's company. 

I have needed this.  It shouldn't take a visit to slow down to a normal human pace.  It simply should not. Yet, I am thankful for the break.

We've connected with family, tried new foods (for all of us), spent time laughing and celebrating.  I am feeling refreshed. 

Christmas is days away, we've started the second week of visiting.  My heart is starting to feel the inevitable hurt that will happen.  My baby will return home, the magical moments will end.  But the memories will keep me smiling.

Time to get back to enjoying this time...