the void...

The silence is deafening.

The feeling of not knowing what to do next... almost maddening.

It's the dreaded void.

That first bit of time after.   It doesn't matter what's it's after.  Simply "after".

Right now, it is the after of my sweet boy and his girl boarding their plan back west.  I will feel lost for a few hours at least.  I am anxiously awaiting the text message that tells me he's safely back at his home.  The flight went well and that they have started to unpack and put their Christmas treasures away in their home.

Sitting at the island in the kitchen shivering because it's only hit a balmy 13 degrees here in the Midwest.  I keep looking at the temperatures they will arrive back at... 75... and it will be warmer by the time they land.

There are remnants of our time together everywhere I look.  I'm hesitant to change any of it, it will make it real. I'm not ready for it to be real.  I like seeing the last bite of banana bread that he couldn't fit into his tummy and her Ramen bowl, the mess from cooking schnitzel for him once more before he headed home. 

The snowy deck looks like it's mocking me right now.  Teasing me, reminding me that my little boy (all grown up) had wanted a white Christmas and even though it hasn't happened in 7 years, we got it. 

I am not fond of this period of silence and unrest to my spirit that always happens in an after.

Even something as minor as a completed project leaves me restless.  So you can imagine how it feels when my youngest returns to his home so far away.  I always swear I will not cry and I always make sure to get a picture of he and I long before those ugly tears start to fall.  And fall they will.

I at least made it to the final hug before security check in today!

It's been a wonderful 10 days, and the quickest I can ever remember. We spent time getting to know his lady, she's delightful!  And we can definitely understand why he chose her!  We've played games, eaten amazing dinners together, gone on mini-adventures - hello Arkansas, visited the Botanical Garden Glow and went to see the latest Star Wars. We've laughed, talked, watched movies, you-tube and yawned.  Mostly, we just enjoyed each other's company.

Having grown up kids is so rewarding.  I got to savor time with each of my babies alone and with them together!  I added a new one to my family and enjoyed my morning chats over coffee and breakfast most days with her! One of the greatest Christmases of all time.  When you reach that place in life when the presence of the person is worth more than any gift under the tree, you have truly reached nirvana.

I cherished the hours spent gathered around this kitchen island, in our house we've long since known that the kitchen is the heartbeat of the home. 

I kind of checked out the past 10 days.  I've been quite sick, which for me is a rarity, maybe it was the Lord's way of slowing me down so that I could enjoy each moment. Whatever it was it worked. I've been absent from email, text and Facebook.  I will need to catch up soon, but not now.

The kids and I took a trip to Arkansas to see the family. The boy is rarely home and we hardly ever go visiting.  Hubs wasn't feeling well and chose to stay home with the boys. At first I was really sad, but it ended up being awesome.  For the first time in probably 30 years I had my mom and dad all to myself.  And we had time to visit, reconnect and simply enjoy each other's company.  I had the opportunity to visit with sisters and nieces and nephews and their children.  All slowly, no rushing.

Decorating the tree and putting up snowy village this year had such a sweetness to it.  Making banana bread and wrapping presents.  Cooking breakfast for my dad and chatting with mom while she wrapped.  Snuggling my pups and watching the boy love his cat.  Priceless!

My sweet Hubs and kiddo's bought me the most perfect gifts! 

Things that showed they truly know me and care.  Craft tote (I am over the moon!!!!), Harley sweater and not just one, but THREE German cookbooks!!  Be still my heart!  I don't know what to make first, until I feel better I will probably just day dream. 

Hubs didn't even go crazy this year, he did perfect! Although I know it killed him to not get me every gift on his list.  New trinkets to wear, stuff to cook with (yep it's that kitchen thing...Love!) and a coffee mug that makes sure I know he loves me! Each item thoughtful and appreciated.

I know I often refer to my son as my boy, that he will always be, just like his sister will always be my girl. It was wonderful to enjoy them both as the grown man and woman that they have become!  I am so proud of them both! 

My boy, he's a kind, considerate, smart, handsome, caring, warm and loving gentleman!  The kind his lady deserves.  He's still got that impish smile and his eyes still sparkle, but he is definitely a man to be proud of! 

My girl...beautiful, generous, nurturing, witty and full of love.  She's an amazing mother, raising incredible loving and compassionate children! 

I feel like I won the lottery with those two!

Well the boy has an hour more to fly and I think I'd better check on Hubs.  I am fairly certain he is napping. 

And then I need to move past the void,,,