damaged goods

While chatting with Hubs this morning at breakfast a ghost of my past came roaring back to life.  The event had absolutely nothing to do with Hubs, it was long before him.  The conversation was innocent and bland - perfect breakfast conversation - I mean after all who wants to solve world peace before their third cup of coffee.

I don't know what made it snap to the forefront of my mind.  Honestly, it was something that I thought was dead and buried almost 20 years ago now (Did I seriously just say 20?  Wow time flies).  It was another lifetime.  It left a lot of scars, most of which I thought had healed.

Needless to say, as I clumsily tried to explain to Hubs why it was bothering me, I in turn ripped off a long scabbed over wound of his.  Also inflicted by someone else more than 20 years ago. As I watched the red rim his eyes and his jaw lock, I knew I'd hit that wound dead on.

Now, as I said, I also had wounds, and for a bit, I was stubborn.  I didn't apologize.  My feelings matter also. He didn't apologize, because so do his.  And for a brief moment in time, we were both trapped in a time warp.  Both struggling to make the past go away, to not feel it's bitter sting.

As he left for his drive down to Potosi, he was still feeling a bit snarky I am guessing, because he made a rather snippy comment before a quick I love you and a kiss.

It got me thinking.

We're all made up of the life experiences that we've had.  And they come in all shapes and sizes.  Some carry no pain and are simply joyous.  The birth of a child, a first kiss, saying your vows, walking hand in hand, Christmas mornings, birthday's... you get my drift.

Then there are those minor painful ones learning to ride a bike, speaking in front of a crowd, tripping, being embarrassed.

And then there are those ones that you aren't sure you can survive.  The ones where the loss cuts so deep you are sure that no one else can understand. Death of a loved one, betrayal, lies - not a little white lie - a life altering lie. A cheating partner, an abusive relationship.  Someone bent on destroying you because they aren't happy with themselves.

Each of us has all of these things to varying degrees in us.  Each of us has "survived".

Or have we?  Are we all just one dreary day, in the same season of time, where those ugly ghosts rear their nasty heads and time becomes irrelevant as we strive to make sense of something that isn't getting mixed up with something that was?

I love my sweet Hubs, I know that he would never do the things that I've "survived".  And the fact that I dragged his ghost into my mess this morning, it hurts my heart. Because I would never summon that up intentionally.   He's "survived" his previous hurts too.

If we can inflict unintentional pain on another just by remembering our own pasts, I wonder what kind of pain we inflict by accidentally bringing up a collective past repeatedly.  Maybe if we all step back, and really look at not only our own pasts, but our collective pasts, we can finally move forward.

It's painful when we rip off scabs.  When we have to face things square on and when it takes that minute (or more) to realize that was then, it definitely doesn't belong in the now... maybe that is when healing finally begins.

Thoughts?