Thursday, February 5, 2015

a slap...

How many of you have ever felt that defining moment.  The one that urges you to step back, take a look around and take a flying leap of faith?  How many have ever felt shoved to take a leap of faith? I've really been struggling with some decisions, I've been dealing with mountains, trying to figure out how to scale them and not create big changes.  Anyone that knows me, and knows me well, knows that change is really hard for me.

Sitting in the Walgreen's parking lot waiting for hubby's prescription to be ready, while he was at home suffering in pain because he'd done a bit too much on his first day back to work, I had my moment.  Surfing the net, kicking back and just unwinding from several really high stress days.  (Yeah, that is another no-no for me - I know.) Scrolling Facebook, checking emails, just your every day stuff you can do in a car while waiting.  I should have been finishing my socks, then I might not have been quite so... so... well, I don't even know if there are words for it.

It was like a splash of ice water on a cold day.  It was raw and biting. One simple message, one string of words.  It was enough.  It was my push.

Walking my boys tonight, after I got home and took care of hubby, I had a whole bunch of words that I yelled into the cold evening air.  I am not a confrontational person, I will usually take the road that doesn't contain those obstacles.  It's easier on me.  So I tend to spend my alone time saying things that I can't bring myself to say out loud to another person.

Hubby understood, he could definitely empathize, he greeted me at the door with a Jack and Coke.  The girl and her little family was coming over for dinner and I needed to dry my tears, stop being an infant, and realize that not all people have the ability to be decent humans. I get it, I really do. Besides the Jack and Coke was calming.  Almost as calming as the hugs and love from my family.

Tomorrow is another day, and I will face it head on.  Knowing that at some point the high road isn't the one to take.  That allowing others to crawl into and under your skin is not the way to proceed with life.  It tears you up in little pieces, shreds your heart and soul.  I am not willing to allow anyone to destroy me.  Especially not someone that I have given so much time and energy to.

Ironic end to a day that was escorted in with the most beautiful sunrise over a snow dusted landscape.... right now, my heart feels as cold and frozen as the ground outside.  That biting bitter cold is defining me, I don't like it.  It's not me.  I will rise above it, sadly, I fear it will be like the phoenix.  And dang I hate drama...