Sunday, September 14, 2014

looking for the bright spots...

Hard to believe it was 104 just a week and a half ago.  Hard to believe life was so different.

The past two mornings have been sweatshirt and jeans weather.  Chili and soups.  It's like someone turned the heat off over night.

It was 44 when I woke up this morning.  Snuggled deep in my king size bed with my old pup under that big down comforter.  It was exactly what I needed.

Yesterday I found myself struggling with all that has happened.  I am not so worried about the kids right now, I am worried about my girl.  She has a wonderful sweetie in her life that I know is keeping her sane and grounded.  For that I am unbelievably thankful and happy.  He brought tears to my eyes when I checked my phone this morning and saw the awesome pictures of their evening.  When I see him gently support my girls and goof around with the boys.  I am so thankful that God put a solid rock in her life to anchor to as she navigates this storm.

But she is like her mom and her grandma... she is going to make sure everyone else is okay, before she worries about herself.  I know she is struggling hard internally.  But she's still smiling as much as she can on the outside.

I see the stress and tension in her eyes.  I know that her heart is being torn apart.  The boys are her boys, she's been such a strong part of their lives for so long.  So when they fly out tomorrow for however long it might be another piece of her heart will leave.

I am sad myself too.  I wish that his service was going to be here.  With the people that have known and loved him for the past decade.  I wish that his friends, and he had a bunch, would get to attend.  That wish isn't going to be met. Once my girl can think there will be a celebration of his life, that is what he would have wanted anyhow.  He was always the life of the party, and honestly I have thought over the past few days that he's probably sitting up there watching the hoopla and laughing with that impish smile... he made the news!

Hubby and I are working on getting our house in order. He'd helped us so much over the past few months with moving and such, constantly saying that is what family does.  He was right.  It didn't matter that their marriage had ended, we were still family.  An odd assortment, but always there for each other.

So this is a strange and unwelcome world we are now living in... 2014 has been a rough year since it started. I am so thankful that it is almost over.  So glad that the cool air is blowing in, ushering this year out.  The coming year will be tough, it will be a year of firsts.  Those bittersweet days of remembering and moving on. The finality is so much harder than the end of a marriage.  It changes your perspective.

This is just uncharted territory for me... I am the kid that never dealt with death on a face to face basis until 7th grade.  And that was from across an ocean.  When my great grandma died.  The next time I encountered it, was my grandpa from half a country away.  I was in my thirties when I walked into a funeral home for the first time, and while it tore my heart out and was a horrible experience, she had lived a good life.  I don't know how to deal with this.  I don't know how to help my girls and the boys....

They say time heals all wounds... just have to find the patience to wait...