Disbelief....

I haven't had time to write lately.  This move has sapped everything I have to give.  It all screeched to a halt last night at dinner.

I'm still sitting here surrounded by boxes, there is still a ton of work to do both at home and at work.  But my focus for the immediate future is my girls and my grand sons.

My son-in-law has brought out some incredibly strong emotions in me over the past eleven years.  He's mad me madder than a wet hen, he's terrified me, he's made me feel terror and pure joy. I have loved him and despised him  With him there really has never been any middle ground.  Now is no exception.

At dinner yesterday we got a call that we all expected to get one day, but prayed would never come.  I watched my girl crumple as she paced while talking on the phone.  Scurried around (over protective momma that I am) to get my grand baby safely away before any more words were said.  Grampa whisked her to our house for a night of movies and sillies.

I forgot the pain my body was in from my unceremonious fall down the two steps to the garage.  Still insisting I'd been pushed.  I forgot anything except my girls and grand son's and their immediate needs.

The call was from the oldest, the sheriff was at the house.  Their Daddy had died in a motorcycle accident hours before.  There was no one there to hold and protect them as they came to grip with the horror.  My girl was 40 minutes away.  I rushed her there.

We don't know any details except what was on the news... just that he died instantly, his passenger was fighting for her life in a local hospital.  We now had three kids (four if you count his daughter in Colorado) that were without a father.

There were times I truly, truly wished he'd leave.  I hated when he could bring tears to my girls eyes.  I hated the fear that he might hurt her out of anger one day. But mostly, I simply loved the crazy fool.  He'd been there for my girl when she needed him.  He was my grand baby's daddy and he loved her with as much love as he could give. ...

My heart is breaking for them all.  I know I can't fix it, I know I don't have anyway to protect them from the awfulness that yesterday brought. I am hating today when a beautiful little princess is going to have her whole world tilted upside down.  When the permanence, the finality of it all get's brought to her.  I hate that my girl will have to tell her such a horrid, tragic thing. And that I can protect neither of them.

I only had to tell my boy that his daddy and I were getting divorced and my heart is scarred from his reaction.  I cannot fathom this.  I can't even begin to put myself into her shoes.  I can't even begin to know how to support and love her through all of this.

I am thankful that he insisted on spending last weekend with her, and actually spent serious quality time with her.  My little one will have that to hold on to.

He loved family and family time... Even when he didn't know how to accept or deal with it. I know that he is watching over his babies... and that he will be there to help my daughter to raise them up right...

Despite his rough edges.  Despite his arrogance and bravado.  He was simply a wounded soul searching for the missing pieces.  I pray that at approximately 4:10 pm yesterday that he found those pieces.  That his heart was healed and found beauty waiting for him.  I pray that he finally stopped being tormented.

Now my prayers have to shift to the reality left behind.  Now my focus must be my girls and the boys.  I can't change the course we are on, but I can be a rock for them to anchor to while they weather the storm....

Rest in Peace... 

Softly held in Angels arms...

Dameian J. Daniels

1979 - 2014