too many changes...

Hot coffee, a few stolen minutes... Peace...

I haven't had much time to write lately.  Oh I've composed so many blogs in my head while walking the dogs or driving to work and if by magic I could put them onto paper, I would.  Sadly, I can't.

The seasons have been busy changing, it seems like everything is changing.  2014 has really been a pivotal year.  One that I am sure I will not forget any time soon, the flood at work started it all and it's been a whirlwind of change.  Some good, some bad, some unbelievable in its greatness and some that is horrid to the depths of hell.

Here it is the middle of October and we are just finishing our move.  It's taken far too long and we've allowed it to drag out.  I am tired of boxes and unfinished business.  I am ready to be back to knitting, quilting, soap making and all the other things that fill my soul with positive energy and light.  I want to not feel guilty when I spend a whole weekend painting furniture and creating.

At work we are just now putting out world back together, by the end of October we should have our building back in one piece. Just in time for another winter, the idiots upstairs still own the property, it makes one nervous to know it could all happen again, unlikely, but so was the first one.

I love being closer to my girls, it makes my heart so happy.  I wish the irony of it was lost on it.  I wish that it didn't seem like fate had arranged the entire thing.

It's been over a month since my sweet grand baby lost her daddy.  She puts on a happy smile, but it's so much like her mama's when she is hurting.  A radiant smile that doesn't reach her eyes.  It's when she is allowed quiet moments or it hits her that her Daddy is gone that she melts.

Hubby has managed to injure his back with all the moving going on between work and home.  And being a typical male (yes it is typical - sorry guys) he only semi went to the doctors and only semi followed their directions until he could almost not move.  So he has a long slow healing process ahead of him.

I think the best word to describe this year would have to be tumultuous.  It's tossed and turned.  Been super high and super low.  I function best in a neutral world, a place that isn't so fluctuating.

Add to the internal stress all of the external stress and it's almost unbearable.  The news can't be turned on, a paper picked up or even social media for that matter without something horrible and unfathomable.  We've allowed Ebola to come to our shores, one of the health care workers that cared for the man is now infected. Enterovirus D68 is here, also, paralyzing and killing our children.  Both were brought in from outside.  So much like what happened to the Native American's so long ago.  We have ISIS and are doing nothing really to combat it, we've sent our troops that are qualified to battle ISIS to Liberia instead to battle a virus?  I really can't wrap my brain around that at all.

We've had cities go bankrupt, and racial tensions hit levels that they have not been in decades.  It feels planned and orchestrated.  Is this the fundamental change to America that we were promised in 2008 and 2012?  I am not a fear monger, I do not believe that at this point those viruses have reached a pandemic or panic state.  As much as I feel they were both deliberately introduced to our country.  Do I worry about my grand baby getting sick?  Of course I do... what kind of gramma would I be otherwise?  Am I concerned that my son is going to get on a plane to come home for the holidays... yeah, I really am. What kind of parent wouldn't be?

With all the unrest and hate here in St. Louis, that seems to have captured the country's attention.  Well it's enough to make one crazy.  Just for the record... it is sad that two young men were shot and killed by police officers.  It happens every day around this country, and it isn't about skin color.  And eventually the truth in both cases will come out.  I'm fairly sure that neither of the young men were up for a peace prize nor do I understand all of the details.  I also live in this area and know that there are many, many more truly innocent kids killed each month in those same neighborhoods. The difference in the level of outrage is strictly linked to the pigmentation of the skin. And what outside forces are picking at the sadness and wounds.

The outside world is trying to make Ferguson our Gaza that couldn't be further from the truth.  Pull the microscope back a bit, look around.  The same thing is happening all over the country.  Why focus on one area?  What is there to gain?

I am tired of it.  I am tired of stress and sadness.  It feels planned, it feels orchestrated and it feels like whoever is creating the chaos that is swirling around us has only begun.  I need to search out the good, the power and the light.  I need to pray more and do more good, maybe if I can manage to do that, I can be a small light that encourages others.  We can start our own movement of good.

There is light and positive out there, it's just that no one is talking about it.  Baby Shane brings joy to my heart.  Out of sadness there was a joy and encouragement shared with anyone willing to listen.  Despite all my friends that have had losses of family members and dear friends this year (us included) there has been joy in the new babies that have been born.

I guess it's all perspective.  I have always been a glass half full kind of gal, I think I need to remember that and stop letting the world drain my glass.

I am going to enjoy the kitty purring in my lap and the hot coffee for a few minutes longer as the sun struggles to peek through the clouds into this Autumn sky... and focus on the good changes.

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