As I started walking the boys this morning, the stars were still high in the sky, I was surrounded by what felt like millions of little pin points from heaven. The deep velvet of an autumn sky, so much depth and beauty, pretty much the only time to view stars in my opinion. It was so dark.
The old guy loves this time of the year, he could walk for days. So I try to make his morning walk as long as my legs and time can handle. I usually take him first, leaving the big guy to stew, but age has it's privileges. As I was walking I was thinking, I tend to get a bit lost in thought out there. I ponder, I problem solve and I day dream. I actually compose a lot of blogs that I then end up out of time to write.
So many things crossed my mind on the first walk. I have been walking them a lot by myself, the hubsters has managed to hurt his back and now possibly his hip muscles and isn't really up to many walks. So while the Gator boy and I were walking it first crossed my mind that I do believe I am jealous.
It's so quiet that early, no one else is awake. There are only random cars rushing past in the background and I am so jealous. I feel that I don't sleep, I saw all those dark houses, those people still dreaming and seemingly carefree. I was definitely feeling pretty jealous. I hadn't slept well last night, too much on my mind. So many unresolved issues kept interrupting my peaceful dreams.
The further we walked, the more those thoughts clarified in my mind. I didn't know, maybe those folks had gone to bed just before I climbed out of bed. Maybe they had been up with a sick child, problems at home or work, struggles of their own. I was after all only operating on an assumption.
Coaxing the old guy to turn around and come home is never an easy task on these mild mornings. He never seems to have any sympathy or empathy for his brother, waiting not so patiently at home.
The stars were fewer by the time we started to walk back. My thoughts still rambling left and right, my head and heart full.
A quick treat for the old guy, a quicker treat for the big guy (he got his pre-walk) and we were off again. Walking the big guy isn't quite a relaxing. He's still young enough his energy level is high, and he's just German enough that he is a stubborn guy. Today he was actually a joy, no pulling or jerking. He didn't get to enjoy the stars, but what a pre-sunrise he and I found.
The first part of our walk always leads us east, west takes me to a major road long before they are ready to return home. And having lost two babies to cars, I am one paranoid mama.
By the time Neeko and I are at the ridge, looking over a portion of Valley Park, in the distance... just past the next ridge, is morning.
It's not ready to wake up, they sky is turning that soft water washed color of early dawn. The colors just starting to stealthily make their presence known. It's the tinge of red, maybe a hint of gold, and just the smallest touch of a lighter blue against the still velvet sky, far in the distance... it's coming.
As Neeky and I walked I thought some more. More of our neighbors were stirring, random lights had come on, seems mostly in the kitchens. Maybe my neighbors are like me and cannot function without coffee.
I am realizing I am not jealous, maybe a twinge envious, I truly feel like I would love to sleep the careless sleep of the young. Then I realize that I am really okay with where I am. Is my life perfect... heck no. It's a work in progress. Lately it has felt like all of that work has been spent running in circles. I know it hasn't. Slowly things are coming into focus.
I feel alive.
It's my duty weekend, things are different now, and it simply means I am on call. My last duty weekend, I didn't work. I was trying to help my daughter and grand daughter deal with the sudden loss of our son-in-law. It seems so long ago, but its not even two months.
Surrounded by the beauty, beautiful colors and what promises to be a great day. I feel blessed. I feel peaceful finally. The week has been brutal and I needed to find center... I am pretty sure walking the boys this morning in the beauty of this awakening autumn morning has helped.
I am not jealous, nor am I truly envious. I am blessed. I have never believed that God will not give you more than you can handle, nor will he fail to provide you with what you need to be able to take on what is given. You just have to be open to receiving it....