Saturday, April 19, 2014

The Thawing...

The soft green haze of early spring, buds just breaking out of the brown.  The fresh, warm inviting smell of newly turned soil. A purple haze of dead nettle across all the fallow fields.  Random bunches of tulips and daffodils sprout everywhere.

It would appear that Spring has finally made a decision to arrive in the Mid-West.  Magnolia blossoms have arrived and are rapidly falling to the ground in huge fluffy piles of white with pink edged flakes.  The red buds are starting to shimmer in the pink red glow that happens right before they burst into bloom, I even saw some tiny buds on the apple tree that is next door.  And everywhere you look the Bradford pear trees are in full bloom (beautiful to look at in the spring - these are just a horrible tree to ever plant!).  Early spring is breathtaking, the beauty is so quick, it's always like a flash in the pan.

It isn't that the beauty goes away, but the shocking change from the late winter blah's to the early spring beauty is so quick, that it appears like magic and then seems to fade as we get used to it.

Hubby and I have been working long, long hours lately.  The kind that make you crazy, the ones that insure you will not have the time or energy for anything else.  It's just the way life is sometimes.  Made worse by the fact that those kind of days cause major issues for me.  And being the kind of person I am, my personal life and private projects and dreams are what fall by the wayside.  It's all good, it's how life works... but it does explain the fact that I have written at least a hundred blogs in my head while traveling to and from work and none of them have made it to this page.

I've been in a kind of retrospect mood lately.  Not sure if I am coming or going.  So many bits and pieces need to be looked at, examined and then put back together.  I sure don't know why kids are always in a  hurry to get grown up and moving forward with their lives, honestly.. it is not all that great being an adult.  I guess if you aren't like me it could be awesome.  If you didn't take everything so darn responsibly.  But that is how I am.  And frankly... it is driving me crazy!

Responsible, committed, and reliable.  Now those are definitely qualities to look for in a favorite old pair of shoes.  But it sure does make it stressful as an adult.  There are so many big changes going on around me, things that strongly impact me, but that I have absolutely no say in.  Things that will impact every part of my life, and I have no say whatsoever.  I don't like feeling that things are being done to me, I don't like change that is done to me.  I am all on-board to be part of change. Heck I'm a military brat, I can do change well.    

All of this doin' to me has been making me feel frozen in place and time.  Can't move forward, can't go backwards, just kind of stuck.  I haven't been able to free myself to do anything.  It's kind of like a deja' vu that I do not want to be part of.  It is reminding me of the summer of 2002.  Not my best year ever... not is such a dramatic fashion, but in the paralyzing  feeling that I am stuck in the middle of.

I feel trapped.  I thrive on honesty, respect, truthful answers, and knowing the path ahead of me. Right now that has all been stripped away.  Not in a mean hurtful manner over all.  More so in the way of "protection".  Not just of me, but also of situations and other people.  I am not a fan of anyone else feeling they know best for me.  It isn't how I function, hmmm... and I wonder why this path our government is taking is driving me crazy???

I feel ready to burst into life like spring is doing.  It feels like the fall of 2002, when I was finally able to make a quilt.  I felt compelled, it felt healing.  I will never see that little quilt again, I didn't even take a picture of it.  In my mind I can still see the hazy edges, the feeling behind it, the significance that it had to me. I don't even know if the recipient ever got it.

It wasn't about the quilt, it wasn't about the recipient, it was like that children's game I loved as a kid, only in reverse, "Don't Break the Ice".  Only it was the final crack that broke the ice, it was what gave me the strength to quit pounding on that door that God had closed, and to start looking ahead for that better door that God had promised.

I feel like I am pounding on that door again.  I feel like God has been gentler in closing some, but I also feel that freeze.  So many things are waiting for me to do them, so many things I want to do, all only getting minimum attention.  My heart wants it to happen, my mind and body can't seem to get their act together.

The garden is laying their completely un-cared for, the only thing growing is an occasional Gator searching for a soft spot to sunbath.  My greenhouse, is still just a pile of wood, windows, plans and dreams.  The last pair of socks on my needles is still a lonely only waiting to be bound off and it's mate started, that happened almost a month ago. I have quilts in various stages of started and needing to be finished.  Our shed is waiting for a coat of paint, the yard needs shade blend planted, and we need to get the Mercury ready to sell....

Hubby and I took a few days off, to try to restore some balance to life as we move into the holiday weekend.  I am sure he's downstairs working on stuff for work, he is just dedicated like that. Thursday started off with a "quick" quilt project that has been anything but quick.  I finally finished un-quilting it so that I can repair the shaping and re-quilt it. Talk about stressful...

Then we were blessed to spend the rest of the day with the eldest and the grand baby.  She needed to buy a truck.  She got divorced about a year ago, but being nice left her truck with the ex, as they have remained friends it was agreed she could borrow it whenever she needed to.  We all know how well that never works out.  So hubby and I enjoyed a beautiful day helping her search.  And we found an absolute gem!  As a mom, seeing her smile was all I needed to enjoy the day.  As a woman that has been through a divorce, my heart was soaring with her's... I know what that independence day feels like... priceless.

Yesterday, after an hour finishing the un-quilting (by the way that is not nearly as fun as quilting for those of you that do not know), and a few hours cutting hair for friends, we took off on the motorcycle.  Well, sort of... It was a few more hours until we could actually ride.

Hubby's new sunglasses for the motorcycle were in - not sure how I feel about it, it is a totally different look for him.  But function is more important than beauty in this instance. And since we were there anyhow, I finally picked another pair of glasses, the ones I had fallen in love with initially... well let's just say it was definitely a one-night-stand.

Finally starving, we stopped at Chick-fil-A... I love that place.  I love their values, their food and their people.  They have the greatest business model, them and Hobby Lobby have my heart.

One last stop... while bathing the Harley Hubby noticed the high beam was out.  We needed to get that replaced before we could ride.  Changing out a light should be a quick and simple job.  Hubby and I have come to realize those are never what they seem.  Not only was the drive over harrowing, everyone and their brother was off work and shopping in our town yesterday, but the act itself was challenging (what a stupid design for a screw!)...

A full two hours later... we had left the chaos and busyness that life seems to have become behind us.  Lightweight jackets, sunny fields, the smell of fresh turned earth, the green and purple haze, the balance that comes with leaving life behind.

Hubby kept offering to stop for a drink or just to check out something we'd found.  Each time I refused, I didn't want to stop, I was loving the solitude, the wind, the sights and smells, the peaceful bonding.  I was balancing my world.  I didn't want anyone else stepping into it, I wanted it to just be us.

My bum was a little ticked off when I got home, but my brain was feeling clearer, it felt like my frozen stated had started to thaw, maybe even crack. The fact that I am writing this morning... well... that's an even better sign... maybe...