the view...

I'm sitting in one of my two favorite spots, enjoying one of my favorite views.  The sitting room has a huge eastern facing bay picture window.  I can enjoy it from in there when a fire is burning.  Although my favorite place to enjoy it is from the front room.  It's perfectly framed by the arch between the rooms.  I love sitting in the darkness, the only light from the rising sun and the globe with my Dad's ashes. 

Watching a sunrise out that window from the distance feels energizing and reaffirming.  I enjoy watching the vibrant oranges, reds and golds breaking through the trees.  My plants create an indoor jungle in front of the window.  No matter the season there is a green canopy the sunrise shines through. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about 2020.  Maybe it is because it's already December and we are within weeks of the end of the year.  Maybe it's because for so much of the year it has seemed dark. This week, I have been doing some soul searching.  I've really been trying to block out external influences and go deep within.  

I am often in search of the lesson we are here to learn as I strongly believe that we are not just here to wake up, go to work, and eventually die. I have always firmly believed that we are here for a purpose, to learn lessons, to become more than we are. 

Maybe it is the reason I often push back against accepting the norm.  It's not my thing.  I don't do well when placed inside a virtual box and told to accept what I am being told. I resist. 

For me 2020 has been a year of revelations, experiences, awakenings.  Thoughts, feelings and concerns that were blurry items just out of my line of sight have been brought more into focus. Parts of who I am and things that have always made me feel odd and out of place have finally started to make sense. 

Maybe that is some of the reason that I find such solace sitting here in the darkness watching the show that the morning sky puts on. I am definitely a person that thrives in nature. I can easily loose myself in a forest, sitting on the edge of a lake, or most definitely walking along an empty beach in the early morning hours.  It's been several decades since I have done that. I miss it.  

I cherish the moments of revealing.  This morning I sat here for almost an hour, in the darkness, staring out the window, drinking coffee and reflecting.  Reflecting on the year, reflecting on this past week.  On thoughts, feelings, hopes and prayers.  

The view before sunrise is varying depths of deep blue/black velvet.  The sky shimmers with splashes of light, the woods behind my home are still and a almost impenetrable violet.  At that time of the morning the nocturnal creatures are returning to their resting areas having finished their nightly hunts and scavenging.

I hate to turn on sound, lights or anything that might disrupt that moment.  I think that is one of my favorite things about weekend mornings.  I am fairly sure the only thing I am okay with stealing that deep, dark silence is when Hubs and I enjoy a fire either inside or out. The natural light does not bother me one bit. 

Most people I know describe this year in negative terms.  They either didn't or can't look for the light in the darkness. 

I have to say, as much as I miss my children (even the one close, they are on their own soul journey's) I have found much to celebrate and experience this year. For this old fashioned girl that has never fit into our modern world, I feel blessed. 

This past week was a prime example of what I am talking about.  It had the possibility of being just another horrible event in a year that has brought out some of the worst in people.  Instead, I felt like it defined lessons that we've been learning, albeit the hard way.  A person I know found that due to some job changes, a quarantine and other stupid stuff they would be going for a month without a substantial paycheck.  That's a long time in the best of circumstances.  But in a month that has the promise of cold weather and Christmas when you have children, it could have been devastating. 

My heart was hurting so bad and I lost many hours of sleep.  I was praying and trying to find a way to help. This person was so gracious, although you could see the hurt in their eyes.  I can only imagine the stress and pain it caused.  It was only Monday, I was crushed.  I hate feeling helpless in the light of a fellow human suffering, it sometimes consumes me. 

 

By Wednesday, I watched people helping people. By Thursday, I sat and cried. Tears of pure joy. Prayers were answered, hope was restored.  You see, for me, I believe that we are here to learn to simply love unconditionally.  To give without question and to lift each other up. 

I think that is what I love the most about my job.  I really couldn't care less about the fitness part.  I know it's value, but it isn't by any stretch my passion. But as I watched the Angel Tree applications roll in I was terrified.  Our membership is down, people are afraid to come in, it's frightening to see so much need and not know how it will come together.  The tree went up, the Angels gently placed, wishes to heaven from families that this year has caused greater struggles. In the midst of helping our friend I forgot to get my Angels.  I will pick them Monday, hopefully there will be a few left. I love the human connection. It fills my heart to help others.  Those little white angels are literally flying off the tree. People helping people, regardless of their own situation in life. 

I'm tired of the ugly, angry, divisiveness that the world has suffered from for far too long.  Hatred over stupid things that simply don't matter.  Religion, beliefs, color, politics, masks... when do we realize that these things and many others that are causing pain are man made.  Created to cause hurt and pain. Judgement is not ours.  We need to stop. Our very souls long for connection and wholeness.

I am ready to leave the darkness behind.  I am ready to walk in the light of love and joy. I long for a world filled with love, compassion, caring, where we call all acknowledge that we are one.  Where we can realize that together there is absolutely nothing we can't accomplish.  For a very long time I have watched.  I will continue to watch because that is how we learn.  

Every year my Christmas wish is peace.  It still is.  Although I feel it needs to expand.  It needs to also include love, compassion, knowledge, discernment, a willingness to learn, love and grow.

Have I finally lost it?  Have I finally asked for far too much? 

I'm not done learning.  I am sure there is much more I am here to learn... 

lazy...

a beautiful friend at the intersection

How to spend a peaceful Saturday after Thanksgiving... hmmm... for me it's been two quiet days of movies, knitting, cutting soaps, a few errands and a tasty late lunch out with Hubs.  A quick drive through Kimmswick, a bit of time wandering the Shaw neighborhood visiting the shop of a sweet woman I have known for a long time. It's ending up with me sitting here in the semi-silence, semi-darkness lingering over what remains of my Hot Buttered Rum, never tried it before, and was searching for substitute for my rum spiced wine from Germany.  Not the same.  Not close, but it is definitely warming. 

I'm also reliving the past.  Seems like only yesterday my sweet mini-me was deeply in love with anything Barbie.  I'd made her a box of clothes for her barbie collection.  Different styles and colors.  She couldn't care less about that barbie collection now, except for the clothes.  She definitely doesn't want to share them with her little sister, baby dragon does not get the original dragon's barbie clothes.  It is definitely not happening. 

Fast forward almost a decade and baby dragon is all about the barbies.  Every time we are together I get the sweet little smile and the plea to play barbies. Something tells me that she needs her own collection of barbie dresses, jackets, sweaters and skirts. Treasures for her to guard jealously as she grows up. 

So while Hubs naps, he's feeling a tad under the weather, and I am sitting here in silence I decided to start looking for patterns.  I've spent about an hour picking out the ones to make for her.   She is still young enough that there will be years for her to enjoy them. I'm also being fussy, I want them to be easy enough for this gramma to be able to put on and take off a few dozen times in an hour.  No tiny buttons for me. She will need some blankets, pillows and stuff for her barbie house too. 

I love that she wants these things.  As much as I loved it when her sister did, and their mom before them.  It seems like this little window of time doesn't last very long.  It's important to me to take full advantage of this time. My various skills have ebbed and flowed.  As each one has come about I have learned new skills. Who knows what the sweet baby dragon will end up with. 

I am enjoying this time of stillness.  I have not given myself this opportunity for far too long.  Our days of vacation are rapidly fading.  Tomorrow is the final day. It will be gone like a blink.  I'm not really ready to go back.  Still so much that I long to do, but a part of me knows it's time.  I have work to do.  I have responsibilities.  

We haven't put up our decorations yet, a dear friend has been telling me literally for months I needed to watch the Hunger Games series.  She told me I would understand, I would see the correlation.  So bag of yarn in hand (no I cannot watch anything unless my hands are busy creating) We spent hours curled up together in the man cave.  A full scarf later, I can now say I have watched it.  My anxiety in knots for most of it, calmness at the end.  I think that bright colored scarf will come to be known as the Hunger Games scarf.  

Christmas boxes are still waiting downstairs. We're still trying to decide on doing the floor before we decorate. We should know for sure if we are going to wait for spring and will decorate next weekend. We've both felt super lazy these last two days.  So the waiting time isn't a problem. I don't know if it is the culmination of a vacation gently fading away, the feelings of Thanksgiving, the angst of missing the boy, or a combination of it all. 

I barely left the house yesterday - only the 10 minutes it took to head to the girls house to pick up ham and pie for Hubs.  I don't do Black Friday shopping.  And I am struggling with the sheer volume of ads I have received all the while telling people to skip family gatherings.  I have deleted over 100 ads in 48 hours.  It's been insane. I can't process it all. Family bad, shopping with strangers in mass quantities good?  I don't do well with those types of thought processes. 

Today we ran to the mall for a short while.  We were worried they would be crazy busy, and were pleasantly surprised.  Less than 30 minutes later, the curtains for the man cave in hand we were gone.  I hate shopping.  Absolutely loathe it. Add the mask mandates, the direction signs throughout and I might slide darn close to losing my mind. 

I sweet talked the Hubs into a quick trip to Wild Olive Provisions, I wanted to support a small business and what better way than to frequent a long time member of my Y's. A quick chat with my friend and we were homeward bound with a tote full of fresh breads, cheeses and fine wines.  How better to end the only shopping I intend to do this weekend. Later when Hubs is hungry I will have snacks to feed him. 

Well, it's time to wander back into the search for barbie clothes. Back to my memories, plans for future memory moments and some time with sweet Hubs.  

the beginning...

This is by far my favorite time of the day.  Surrounded by silence. It's still dark outside.  The coffee is hot and my mind is still clear. The hustle and bustle of the world hasn't crept in.  

It's still. 

I thrive at this time of the day.

The peace of this Thanksgiving morning made me want to pause, to reflect. As I was waiting for my coffee and tidying up the kitchen to get ready to make pies my mind and heart started to drift backwards. 

Instead of a giant turkey sitting in the sink ready to be prepped for dinner there is a smattering of dishes from Hubs and I being too tired to wash them last night.  My counter tops are covered with painting supplies, not ingredients for a feast. 

For a moment in time, I felt disconnected. 

I remember almost a half a century of Thanksgiving dinners.  When I closed my eyes and stood there I could see my mom and dad starting the early morning prep when we were all so small.  Thanksgiving has always been wondrous, a time of gathering, a moment of pure love. I'm old enough to remember long before simple holidays were a reason for political statements and discomfort. 

I remember watching them prep that big bird, when you are a family of 6 with a guarantee of at least a few stray airmen far from home, it had to be huge!  The stuffing was made first, there is always a pot of giblets, gizzards, the heart, neck and Lord knows what else was pulled out of that bird simmering with celery, onions, water and whatever seasonings they felt needed to be added. 

Soon enough us girls would be coaxed into sticking our little hands filled with stuffing into that cold cavity.  I remember how absolutely gross it was as a little girl. I knew it would end up being wonderful, but that was not my favorite part of the day. 

Over the course of the morning any remaining sides and pies that hadn't been made the day before would magically start to appear.  Platters of olives, pickles, cheeses and crackers.  

As the anticipation of the Macy's Day Parade would grow like wild fire.  No matter where we lived we could always count on the parade and Santa kicking off the Christmas season. 

This morning I am wondering what a television only Macy's Day Parade would even look like.  I am in mourning for all that has been lost. I think I will skip it, I looked at the previews, I do not care about the commercialism that is left. I long for the marching bands full of kids that have worked so hard for that place of honor, the delight on the faces of the people bundled up and watching in awe.  The moment that Santa arrives, the sounds of joy and the laughter.  For me... I can definitely live without a stream of over-sized balloons hyping the latest toys and video games. 

We can't even go to our own Thanksgiving Day parade - as they are proudly boasting it will be a virtual hour long television special. No thanks.  The excitement of the moment, bundling up against the cold, maybe taking a thermos of spiked coffee and sitting with loved ones.  Enjoying the energy of the day and being together. 

So much has slowly changed over the years.  

Our boy and his girl got their Thanksgiving dinner delivered over the last few days.  It makes me beyond happy to know he will have his turkey, ham, cranberry sauce and Hawaiian rolls.  That is all he ever eats for the holiday.  His girl will make a few more sides that will suit her just fine.  I know their tree is already up because he sent me a picture the day it arrived. 

Soon my girl will be awake, for the first year she won't be cooking a huge feast today.  We are all going to celebrate with Hub's oldest girl for dinner.  

Last year at this time I was standing outside in a cold drizzle with my sister and her friend getting ready to step off on my first ever Turkey Trot.  It was so much fun, I was in good shape and looking forward to the long version.  Hmmm... hindsight being 20/20, probably should have done the short one, who knew Little Rock had so much hilly terrain? I won't be doing a trot this year - even if I could find a live one.  My knee is still ticked off at me from last year.  It was so much fun.  We were cold, wet and worn when we finished, but it was so worth it! 

Soon I will make the pies, pop the mixing bowl in the freezer and get ready for the day. But for now, I am lost in memories. 

Getting out the china, setting the table just so.  Always showered and in our Sunday best. Carrying dishes to the dining rooms of yesterday.  Dad is watching us from above, all of us have raised our own families and every year we are creating new twists on the old traditions.  Striving to make them work in this strange new world in which we now reside. 

My heart knows that this is simply a season in time.  I feel strongly we will once again gather, celebrate and rejoice with loved ones.  But I definitely believe it will never be the way it had been.  I still stand firmly that we are never going back to the way it was.  

I personally believe we are going forward to something full of love, personal power, and with a sense of gratitude and love that has been missing for far too long. I know personally I will cherish the ability to spend time with my loved ones, family and friends.  To feel the love coming from a true hug.  To sit with those I have missed for far too long and be filled with joy and gratitude at the most mundane chatter, simply because I can. 

I still long for those long, lazy days that were the start of the holiday season for me.  The frantic preparation of a meal that would leave everyone regretting that last wonderful bite, followed by a lazy food coma.  I miss the excitement of pleading with Dad (he was always the hold out) to decorate the house for Christmas on the day after Thanksgiving. I didn't know what Black Friday was until my late 30's.  It simply wasn't a thing for us.  

We looked forward to the start of the Christmas markets. Hot chestnuts fresh from the roaster, stinging my fingers as I peeled the first few, because patience is a virtue I don't always have. The hot gluhwein, steaming in the treasured little mugs, although I admit the last few years I fell in love with the Feuerzangenbowle at the Frankfurt market.  That rum soaked sugar dripping from the fire into the mulled wine was incredible. Definitely not a drink I can make at home. The little shacks filled with treasures, the smell of the wood burners making keepsakes, the glitter and twinkle of ornaments.  Candy shops filled with lebkuchen and iced treats, nuts of all kinds being roasted.  Oh the memories.

Tonight I will roast chestnuts - although not the same as fresh from the roaster, and I will warm a cup of gluhwein.  I will officially turn on my Christmas music (we all know that I listen to it year round - so...) and I will savor my absolute favorite time of the year. I will celebrate family and friends.  I might even spend a few hours writing out Christmas cards.  Dust off an old tradition, that this mailphobic crazed person has been avoiding. Goodness knows I've bought many that I haven't mailed over the years. 

But for now, there are pies to bake, memories waiting to be made. 

A few more moments in front of the fire, a few more sips of coffee. 

Don't let restrictions, fear, disagreements and all the rest of the crap 2020 tried to use to break our hearts work.  Find a way to reach out, find that moment to say I love you and I am grateful that you are in my life.  Share laughter, smiles and love. 

Enjoy this day and all that follow.  

progress...

Dreary, wet and cold.  Yep that describes today.  Perfect.  For the first time in forever I slept the full night, woke to rain hitting the chimney. So calming.  Yesterday was full of activity and I am sure it exhausted me.  I was so wrapped up in what I was doing that I lost track of time. Before I knew it the clock was telling me that it was hours past my bedtime. 

I finished three soaps.  They are setting up and I truly hope when I unmold them in a couple of days that they will have turned out as wonderful as I hope. Oat Milk, Orange Rose and Sunshine are all sitting on shelves, waiting.  

They all need at least 24 more hours before I can try taking them out of the molds and cutting them.  The scents that filled the air were fresh and energizing. I think that is one of my favorite things about making soap. The scents.  Our house is filled with the smells of orange, yuzu and a hint of rose. There are other scents that linger in the mixes that I can't even begin to describe the scent of the Oat Milk soap as golden oat (the name of it) doesn't help in the least.  It's clean and refreshing.  

Oat Milk Soap

Orange Rose Soap

It takes about two hours to make a batch.  A lot of which is spent waiting, waiting for oils to heat, waiting for lye and oils to cool to the same temperature so that they can be mixed into a creamy soap. To fill all that time waiting, I cleaned out my soaping closet, figured out that I truly need to stop buying shea butter.  Seems I have forgotten I had plenty of it at least 5 times.  I am now in search of lots of soaping recipes that need shea butter.  Would hate for that to go rancid. As I went through my supplies and molds (goodness - I believe I already admitted to a terrible addiction) unfortunately I only have one tall mold or I would have made a few more bars. 

After hours spent standing in the kitchen making beautiful soaps it was time for a break.  I really shouldn't spend hours looking through Pinterest. Should have focused on the projects I had already decided on or maybe taken a nap. 

Instead, I daydreamed.  

I have to admit when I am finally able to retire, I will definitely never be bored. 

I had planned to cut out mittens and sleds yesterday morning, Hubs had other ideas.  He was out in the garage working on his desk project.  A friend gave him a rather beat up look old desk.  You could tell it was most likely handmade and it was definitely old.  Probably 80 or 90 years old.  He's been sanding it and getting ready to stain it.  Yesterday, he reached that goal.  I was not going to be using the saw in the garage.  

That desk though...

I've been pleading with him to keep it, to do away with his industrial style and enjoy the beauty of that antique.  During a soaping break I thought I would peek out and check on his progress.  He was so engrossed in the stain work, that I am not sure he even noticed I was there. Cigar held tight in his teeth, focused on each swipe of the brush.  He looked so calm. 

I have a covered deck now and it was fairly warm, it was an easy fix.  Hubs helped me set up on the deck and I started cutting.  It's been years since I have touched a saw.  Years since I have lost myself in the intentional act of carefully cutting out traced lines.  Breathing in the scent of sawdust.  Gently blowing it away so that I could focus on the lines.  It made both of us remember the past.  

It seems so long ago. We'd spend hours in our basement, cutting wood shapes, crafting gifts when money was too tight to go shopping. Those days, that time filled me with joy.  Yesterday reminded me of that sweet time. As I cut the shapes, Hubs kept me company, we chatted like it was over a decade ago. Nothing earth shattering, just chatter, about family, friends, ideas, thoughts hopes and dreams.

I don't know what was better the act of using my hands, muscle memory snapping back in an instant, or enjoying that simple memory of a much simpler time.  Not as much money, far more time for making memories. 

I'd put the base coat on all of my painting projects last night, I'd forgotten how easily time slipped away when I had a paint brush in my hand.  This morning fueled by copious amounts of coffee, I sat down on the stool at the kitchen counter and started painting. The mittens are rustic, they are mindless work, hours later I finished all but the final four.  I vaguely saw the clock, the hours of the morning slipping by... seven, eight, nine, ten... just before eleven Hubs came in from the garage.  Starving.  Seems I forgot his breakfast.  

I forgotten how much I love to paint. Even simple projects bring joy. 

I cannot for the life of me believe that tomorrow is already Thanksgiving.  Half way through our days off.  Normally time flies.  It hasn't been.  It's been leisurely, calming and relaxing. For the first time in far too long, I feel rested.

Tomorrow will be a day full of traditions, pies to bake, cream to whip.  Our offerings to the meal are mostly purchased, but one simply needs homemade pies. We will work on continuing to blend our family.  We will miss our boy, maybe the smallest girl (she might be with Dad) but we will celebrate family and each other. 

Tomorrow might be void of creating material things, but full of creating memories. 

I'm excited, nervous, and full of anticipation. 

I am curled up with my mug of hot Gluhwein, listening to the wind moving my beautiful wind chimes and celebrating life. 

Thankful... you?

time...

Roaring fire, hot coffee, a good night's sleep and a day stretched out before me with absolutely nothing scheduled. 

I feel like a kid in a candy store. In fact I feel a bit like a 3 year old surrounded by every favorite treat trying to figure out which one I want the most! I feel a bit overwhelmed in the most wonderful way!  It has been so very long since I have had a treat like this.  A chance to simply fill my own personal bucket.  To stay inside my home and do what makes me happy. I can honestly admit that I am being a bit of a spoiled child and doing just that. 

I mean, I did my chores, most of them.  The house is clean except for my play areas and they are functional clean - let's be honest you can only keep a space in use so clean. I will admit I haven't ironed yet - but work is still 6 full days away.  There is time for that next weekend. The rest.  It's done. 

Playtime can commence.  In the three days I have been off, I've completed quite a few candles, 36 to be exact. I'm not sure that I am finished, I have some beautiful jars that I want to fill, trying to decide what scents move my heart the most. Those will no doubt become gifts.  I might not be finished, but for now that is tucked back away in it's little spot.  I have moved on to another project or two or... 

Just a few that have already shipped

Soaps have been started, even the lumps of coal, yesterday alone saw 3 different kinds of soap created.  I will probably get one or two more done this morning.  Or I might be a big girl and complete all of one project - soaps - I think there are 5 more that I want to get done this week. Might be more.  Recipes and supplies are overflowing the shelves.  But then so are the soaps.  Awe, I know creator challenges, I guess it is a bit first world. 

Lumps of coal

Just a bit of soaping chaos

Kokum and Eucalyptus soap

Eucalyptus and Cotton

I have a couple of quilting projects going on right now.  Hubs is going to help me put one on the long arm.  And I have a couple that I need, and want, to get finished.  I spent a chunk of Sunday helping a friend learn to sew so that she could make some memory sachets.  Gifts for family to remember a dear loved one that passed this year. 

Friendship quilt - started 2001

a treasure from Paducah, KY

It filled my heart to pass along the skill, ironically her text came as I was working on a small quilt I had started at the last quilting class I had taught - so many years ago.  I'd been so busy helping others that my own project never got finished.  I'd found it while looking for something else, tucked away in a bag.  Waiting for love and attention. I will finish it this break. 

Almost done, finally...

Helping her was the highlight of that day.  I didn't do much, showed her the skills, and stayed to help through the hiccups.  I tidied my sewing room - maybe I should call it a studio - ya know sound fancy. Nah... I'm not a fancy kind of person. I folded up the bits left from all the mask making I have done this year.  I will be thankful when that is simply a bad memory from a long ago time. I emptied out an assortment of craft bags that were just tossed aside once the project was complete. And as she gained confidence and started whipping through the project, without any assistance, I curled up in the big chair Hubs hauled in for me to sit in while I helped and worked on a special Christmas gift for one of our great nephews. 

Cute, am I?

She completed around 60 small sachets and I finished the gift I was crocheting. 

currently on the needles

Evenings have found me sitting beside the Hubs enjoying some down time with knitting needles in my hands.  I have found a new scarf pattern that I am over the moon in love with! It's quick, mindless, flows so gently (no matter what kind of yarn I use) and creates a beautiful scarf.  One can never have too many scarfs, right?

dyed by my favorite artist

Hand spun and knit by me 

I am currently trying to ignore the call of my spinning wheel, trying to finish other projects...

So lonely...

If I am going to be completely honest, I might have an addiction or twenty.  I love to create, it fills my heart, it makes me feel calm, centered, productive.  I love the feeling that comes from giving a gift that I personally created. Nothing against shopping (which I hate), I know that just as much love goes into searching for the perfect gift as making one. For me and my well being, I love to create. 

The challenge comes in, that I have so many different things that I love to do that I sometimes feel like I am spinning in circles.  Torn between far too many loves.  

After soaping today, we are going to get out my new scroll saw, it's new, never been out of the box, although Hubs bought it for me several years ago.  When my old one died mid-project and I'd had to improvise to finish it. I was just doing wood working back then.  But today, I am going to be breaking out my paints.  So many have joined our family since the last time I cut wood or held a paint brush. Mittens need to be made.  Sleds need updated.  Ornaments are waiting for paint. I can't wait!

I've also found time and the desire to write. I was pretty sure that was never coming back. 

There was a time that I was much better at prioritizing my life. Even working a 40 hour a week job and raising kids there was always time for things that filled my soul.  Slowly, other things wore me down.  

I am going to count this time as another gift from 2020.  The gift of time. I feel refreshed for the first time in a very long time.  I am finding calm and focus.  I know, ironically, as our world is wrapped up in chaos and confusion, stress and anxiety, I am calm. God is in control of the things that were wearing me down. I don't have to be. 

As much as I am enjoying sitting here warming my toes, sipping my magically refilling coffee (yep, Hubs still believes what I told him so very long ago - even the Bible says it's his job to take care of the coffee - "HeBrews") and munching on my yummy Lebkuchen cookies that I found at the Global Foods market, it's time. 

Who knows what treasures I will have to share the next time I write...

pickup man...

Brrrr... I had to give in, I was sitting out on the deck with my sweet Hubs, enjoying the cool fall evening and a restful day of vacation.  I guess I am not as tough as I thought, because I am still shivering.  The deeper the sun sank the more bitter the cold wind became. Even my jacket and fuzzy blanket could not compete.  

He will just have to sit out there alone, smoking his cigar, listening to smooth jazz and laughing at funny pictures and pranks.

I am so blessed to have this sweet man in my life.  He tries so hard to never let anyone see that he is nothing more than a marshmallow.  Even his outside isn't as rough as he'd like you to believe.  And his inside, is more the consistency of a toasted marshmallow. 

We ran a few errands today, we needed to pick up a few supplies at the hardware store.  His determination, the "no challenge I can't solve" mentality are fun. He was determined to make that old receiver pick up more channels, no sense in getting something new.  I needed some odds and ends for gifts I am making. After wandering, searching, asking for help and finding a "solution" we headed out.  I'd skipped breakfast and couldn't wait to get home for lunch it was after one and I was working on a massive headache. 

Lost in chatter and plans I saw the moment it happened.  There was a lady and her teenage daughter trying to shove a 4 x 7 piece of plywood into the back of her Kia Soul.  It was definitely not happening.  His eyes wandered over a couple of times as we walked past and got in the pick up.  My little 2 x 4 sheet of wood didn't even need the bed of a truck, and there she was trying desperately to put it into the back seat by this time. I don't know if you are familiar with the size of a Kia, but I can tell you, it stuck out the door by a good 2 feet or so.  

I kept telling him, go ahead, I can see it on your face, you are going to go help her.  There was that little twitch in his dimple, the one that always lets me know I am dead on target. A slight glimmer in his eyes.  It's who he is.  He might talk gruff, he might tell you he isn't going to do something, and all the while his very soul is moving him into action. 

As we pulled beside her and offered to drive it to her house, she was flustered and embarrassed.  I would have been too. As she reluctantly agreed he pulled up behind her so they could put it in back. 

I'm not sure if it was the gesture, the attempt to appear tough and inconvenienced, those sparkling pretty blue eyes or simply him being him, but the words to "Pickup Man" by Joe Diffie started playing in my mind.  "There's something women like about a pickup man..." yep, there is!

He is definitely a pickup man.  

The whole way to her house we were laughing, because it looked until almost the last moment, like she was going to our own neighborhood.  It was close, just one street down and around the opposite corner. It took mere moments out of our journey home.  Seeing the car in the drive - there was no way that woman was getting that plywood home without help.  The SUV in the drive was even smaller. 

She'd sent her daughter scurrying for cash, I think she might have offended him a bit with that offer.  In that soft way of his, he just asked her to pay it forward. 

That is one of the things I love the most about him.  He is always paying it forward.  He will by a meal for an officer, one time he bought lunch for an entire group of soldiers, he simply doesn't think about it, he just does it. 

When I get crazy ideas, because I might top him in the crazy sometimes, he is always there to be my partner in crime.  He's always the first to offer a hand, to do a random act of kindness that no one will even catch. Oh he will grumble, that is who he is.  He can't let you see the softness.  He can't appear to be sweet. But he is. 

Today I was having problems with my foot.  As he worked to remove the knots in the muscles and release the pain, he noticed that I was drinking coffee - still and also notice that I hadn't been drinking much water.  A few moments later he appears with a cold class of mineral water, to make sure I was okay. 

He's a grumpy old guy some times.  He can growl with the best of them.  But under it all, is this amazingly attentive, dedicated, loving soul.  A man that builds me a fire and makes my coffee while allowing me to sleep to the very last moment, because he knows I need my sleep.  The guy that brings me dinner when my frantic rush to get things done around the house, means I forgot to pack dinner and I work late, he can be exhausted, wanting nothing more than to be asleep and he still shows up with something yummy. 

He is my soul mate.  The one I was meant to be with forever. I know this.  Time seems to flow.  Laughter seems to always happen.  Neither of us are perfect by far, together... well together we definitely seem to be. 

He carries hurts that I can't imagine. And still finds endless amounts of love to give.  He lost more than most, but if he doesn't tell you, you will never know.  He will tell you more inappropriate jokes than you can imagine (it's simply who he is) and he will do anything at all to help you find a smile you may have lost. 

I cherish my grumpy, ol' pickup man! He's always regretting being older, longing for his youth.  I wouldn't change a thing about him.  I know he came into my life at the right time.  I wouldn't have gotten along with him when he was younger. I love the softer, kinder, gentler, life worn man that I have.  I'm sad that he's had the blows that he's had, I firmly believe they have created that kind gentle soul. 

If you are ever struggling, I hope someone like my sweet Hubs is around to help you out, in fact if a guy with beautiful blue eyes, sparkly white hair and a bright red pickup asks if you need a hand it might just be him.  And if you ever meet up with someone that needs a hand, always try to pay it forward. 

grateful

Sitting out back with Hubs listening to the sounds of this early fall morning was such a refreshing start to the day.  The ducks and geese calling to one another as they are heading to warmer ponds.  You can barely make out the dark shapes in the sky, yet their call is echoing loudly. 

In the distance is the sound of the early morning trains, all of them seem to hit that part of the raised bluff between four and six each morning.  Last weekend we were at the site of the original tracks and the tunnel through the bluff, from when the Pacific was new.  It's now moved a short distance away, abandoning the tunnel. 

We were looking at the stars and planets, they seem to get more profound as the year has moved on.  I have seen several shooting stars in the past month.  In fact standing on this same deck on Wednesday night talking to my mom and watching the sky grow into the deep velvet that comes with the changing season I was blessed to watch one flash across the sky as it burned out. Seems I always see them in the direction of my daughters house.  I saw the last one while driving down there to pick up the baby a couple weeks ago. Today, we noticed how brightly several were sparkling.  Like diamonds, shimmering far off in the distance.  It was peaceful to enjoy. 

This week has been draining.  I can't believe that Friday has actually arrived.  I've been multi-tasking in the extreme and it is not my default method of working.  It drains me, stresses me out.  I am a linear person.  One task at a time, through to completion. But life lately has a way of testing all of us.  This week was a test for me. Trying to complete my own tasks, cleaning up the chaos left by a departing staff member, dealing with the hurt feelings caused by the chaos.  It's been a long and rough one. 

Yet Friday arrived, like it always does.  

This year alone has been brutal and draining.  Hubs and I both have so much vacation that we are trying to use up.  So today when I close my laptop, water my office plants and head home it will be for a glorious 9 days with Hubs and family. 

It will be a time of planning for the official start of the holiday season, I have to admit all the folks that have already started decorating have filled my heart with such joy.  Normally, I'm in the wait for Thanksgiving group, this year, driving home at night and seeing all of the lights and sparkling trees has filled me with hope. A hope I think I have needed. I am sure we will start decorating and wrapping a few presents up. 

It will also be a time to celebrate family near and far.  Our boy won't be home, but I am hoping to actually talk to him for the holiday. We are planning an adventure with the girl and her kiddo's.  Not sure if it will be all of them or just the girls.  And we are going to spend time getting to know Hubs' oldest and her family.  

A couple of months ago I got a text that took my breath away, for a moment.  Since September we have been on an interesting journey to say the least. I think I have talked about Ancestry a few times and a quest for more knowledge of the past.  Truthfully, I did not expect it to bring more recent stuff forward, although life being what it is, it definitely has done that.  I have had the blessing to meet a cousin I didn't know, but more recently we have been blessed to find that sweet Hubs had another daughter. Even without the DNA (which we have) you can tell by their smiles and loving spirits that they are blood.  

In the blink of an eye, through a Facebook message our family grew.  More to love and cherish! In a strange and wonderful way we now have another daughter, son-in-law and 5 more grands (some of which are married).  We've met the three youngest, not the oldest.  I see so many incredible traits that match my sweet Hubs in his daughter and 2 bio-grands.  Those genes are strong! They have the same smile and sparkling eyes.  And frankly that wicked sense of humor was not something I was expecting to be hereditary. 

We are blending our already very blended family even more, we are celebrating it all.  We are so very blessed. In our family - yours and mine equals ours.  We never had children together, yet here we are with a wonderful loving clan.  

This holiday season will be different, for many reasons.  Despite the state of the world, God has blessed us fully.  I am looking forward to spending time with our amazing family.  Having adventures with the girls & grandson, being part of sweet Hubs getting to know and love his oldest and the "newest" grands, missing my sweet boy and his girl - while figuring out ways to connect with them.  All while living my best life with my best friend!

Stress doesn't stand a chance when there is so much to be grateful for!   I guess I was feeling a bit sentimental as we head into the week of Thanksgiving.  Normally my Facebook feed is filled with everyone saying all the things they are thankful for, this year it's been oddly silent.  And sitting out back, drinking coffee and watching the sunrise, my heart was filled with joy.  I have so much to be thankful for.  And so many things to celebrate.  

I hope that each of you also have blessings, the gifts you have been given that you can take out of your heart and hold close, to remind you that even when things are stressful, tiresome and just plain soul wearying you are blessed!