memory lane...

Was it waking to the sound of the rain hitting the tin on top of the chimney stack?  The sound of the crackling fire sweet Hubs had built to start the weekend?  Maybe it was the picture my sweet boy sent me last night of his Christmas tree decked in lights.  Or was it the scent of the evergreen candles that I have cooling on the counter?

Maybe it was all of this and so much more. I'm in a nostalgic mood this morning.  This year has been the ultimate roller coaster. And where we are right now is exhausting. So many feelings and emotions are swirling, not just in our own country, but globally. 

As I was pouring the wax into the little jars that I found for candles, with the smell of a crisp evergreen forest swirling all around me, I glanced out the window. The sky has lightened and the storm I've been listening to with occasional flashes of lightening is now exposed.  The beautiful colors of fall have faded away, the few remaining leaves with the exception of the purple/red of the Japanese Maple out front have all turned a dark brown. Clinging hopelessly waiting for the final wind that will rip them away.  Falling to the ground to finish their life cycle, becoming first a place for a variety of larvae to nest until spring and finally to serve as fertilizer for the spring rebirth. 

The smell of the wood fire, mixed with evergreen has Christmas carols playing in my head. Day dreaming of the upcoming holiday and how different it will be.  I woke this morning from a dream where I was making Christmas lists, too bad I couldn't remember what I had written, it seemed like a great list.  Thought and care going into exactly what we wanted to give to each person. 

I find myself sliding deeper and deeper into the core of who I am.  I don't agree with much that is going on in the world right now.  I fear we are being lied to on a grand scale.  I don't know.  But I have no faith or trust. The only faith and trust I have rests with God. I know that things are happening according to his plan and I need to simply pray and rest in that knowledge.

This is what is drawing me back I feel.  That wax pouring reminded me so much of Christmas as a child.  I don't remember what state we lived in or how old I was.  I remember all of us girls with Mom and Dad making Christmas candles.  There were evergreen trees that we carefully put whipped wax on to look like fallen snow. It seems they may have had glitter sprinkled on top, but I can't see them in my mind's eye that clearly.  I remember the Santa ones, climbing into the chimney, colored red with the whipped wax for his beard, the snow and fur on his suit. I remember pouring candles, laughter and love. We were never rich in dollars, but boy oh boy we were rich in love!

The candles that are cooling now are ear-marked to send the boy and his girl. I am going to go down shortly and find the box of his ornaments.  I think it is still separate.  Although I'm not sure.  Last year when we put the tree up he wanted them on the tree and when I said should I box them for you to take home, he hadn't wanted that.  He was not planning to spend Christmas at their home. But 2020 has changed that. 

I want to make sure he has some of the magic that makes Christmas special for them.

This is the first Christmas that I am struggling with gifts and ideas.  So many are struggling on different levels.  My heart says stay practical.  Make it something to cherish.  Make it something that is needed.  A few things made for some, a few things that have been found in many places.  No clutter or waste.  Some treasures of love and time, wrapped up in memories to share. 

Gee that doesn't sound intimidating at all does it? 

The embers of my fire are almost gone, the coffee is getting cold.  I heard the laundry ding, and I am sure my wax is just about ready to check on.  I have soaps waiting for attention and chores to complete.  I want to finish up the stuff to mail and check in with the girl to see if she came up with any ideas for the day tomorrow (this rain is supposed to pass).  I need to figure out what my contribution to Thanksgiving will be - since I am the difficult one to feed.  I have scarf's needing blocked and a few other projects to work on. We need to get wedding cards to celebrate family and friends and have gifts to wrap and send. 

Why is it that the week seems to stretch out forever, yet the weekend get shorter and shorter.  

This year has changed so much for everyone.  For us personally, it's been huge! And most of it has not been gloom and doom. As I travel down this path of nostalgia today, I think the greatest gift it has given me is gratitude.  2020 has been an absolute b$tch.  She has rocked us all to our very core.  But as we stand up, dust ourselves off and move forward - I'm thankful!  I'm thankful for family, I'm thankful for the lessons of gratitude and praise, I am thankful for all of the exciting changes and blessings that have entered our lives. Yep, Hubs and I are very blessed!

I am thankful!!

moving forward...

So very much has changed in a month.  

As I am sitting here snug in my pajama's listening to the wind chimes echoing throughout the house I can't believe it is already fall, already October.  I woke up this morning to a frost warning on my phone and a house that was all of 62 degrees. Even I agree that is too chilly and was thankful for Hubs turning on the heat.  

So many things are not even slightly the same as they were a month ago.  It feels like we are on this weird roller coaster.  And frankly the loops are intense!  Losing our last fur baby last month ripped our hearts in two.  We have long agreed that for now, there will be no more fuzzy faces to cherish. Our lives are simply too chaotic and we want time for us.  

The hours a day that were spent caring for our precious senior boy have given way to slower mornings, lingering over coffee on the deck, chatting and relaxing. We are still learning how to do this without looking for him, without turning back before we leave for the day for one more fuzzy cuddle.  We are healing. 

Slowly we are fixing or changing things that had to wait until we had no pets.  Yesterday found me painting a wall that was splashed and damaged from all of the fur babies brushing up against it, slobber and lord know how else they did it. Now that the room is torn apart, today is likely going to find us finally ripping out that carpeting.  WHO, I mean seriously WHO thinks carpeting in a dining room, when every other room is hard flooring, is a good idea?  I am seriously asking this question.  And cream colored at that... I am pretty positive we have decided on the floor and will head out shortly to pick it up and to dive in.  It won't take long, it's only a 10 x 12ish space.  The bay window will take the longest.  That and moving that darn china hutch that I love so much. 

My girl sent me the name of a guy to finally refinish the wood floors.  We've patiently waited, no need to do it when those strong nails were only going to scratch them again. I will probably reach out this week to at least try and get a bid.  We could do it ourselves, neither of us has any desire to do so. 

Our world has been upside down. 

We've run away - truly the only way I could think of to deal with the heartbreak of the last baby crossing the bridge.  Loaded up the car and took off. Finding solace in the journey and experience of no responsibility except to ourselves.  We've never experienced that together. A few short hours away (although we managed to make it an almost 8 hour trip) we arrived at a beautiful B&B on Lake Barkley.  No kids, no pets, just us. It was a stormy beautiful weekend, complete with moments bathed in pure sunshine.   

Last minute trips to Arkansas have happened. Just to finally see the family and spend some hours visiting. (Yikes... is my hair really starting to be "that" light?)

And true to form 2020 has been the year of changes, the changes in our personal life have been incredible, unnerving and shocking at times and life altering in many ways.  We are still navigating these changes.  I have to say I am so blessed to be married to this wonderful man.  Together nothing is impossible.  The only bitter part of the past month was our Neeko passing.  Although I wonder if the rest of the changes and new journeys had to wait until that time. 

Work is an ever changing jumble also.  People are in such a struggle place right now, that each day brings another challenge to navigate.  There were other big changes, I know they were for the greater good and had to happen, yet the pain I feel at the separation of the diva's and our leader is a bit more sharp that I thought.  And each day closer to the inevitable ending it feels sharper. I'm not sure I was ready to navigate this many professional changes after the year that it has been. 

We are trying to focus on time.  On us. On being connected with family, friends and each other. Dinner's with kiddo's, laughter at grands.  Although there are holes.  We miss the boy, he is so far away.  I simply would do anything to bring him home for even a weekend, now simply isn't a good time. 

This healing process is unique, different than ever before.  

It's time to finish weekend chores, consider making breakfast (of some sort), start a big pot of veggie stew - the weather is perfect for it. I have a few veggies still in the tree-house garden that need harvested, then finally get ready to finish that dining room. 

I've missed writing.  I had to finish the one I posted a short bit ago.  I had to finish, before I could start again. I'll see you around... 

good-bye (for now)

I don't know where to start. 

I opened my laptop, I've been meaning to write for a minute, but just haven't been able to make the words make sense in my head. 

I opened blogger, ready to try and process my thoughts and feelings to get slapped in the face with a blog I never finished from Sept. 6.  I don't think it will ever be published, I also know it will never be deleted. 

It was a morning so much like today.  The crickets were chirping, Hubs and Neeko had just left to get donuts.  We'd decided that sounded good that morning and Neeks was bound and determined he was going for a ride.  He hadn't been into riding much lately.  Getting in and out of the car had become a struggle and I don't think he was enjoying it as much. 

Fast forward to nine days later. I'm sitting out here on the deck, the crickets are chirping even louder than ever, the air is crisp and I am surrounded by the warm glow of lights on the deck.  It's a pretty bland morning in the heavens, the stars are dim and I didn't notice the moon at all.  Unlike that morning which had been crisp and bright, full of starts with a bright moon overhead. 

On Sept 10, Hubs and I were trying to figure out how to help our daughter and family feel wrapped in love as the honored the 6th anniversary of our son-in-law passing.  Should we take over white roses? Offer to take them to dinner.  There really aren't words or actions that make such a day easier, but we were both thinking about it. 

We took our Neeko for a walk, it was slow and lingering.  I guess now I realize he was savoring it because it would be the last one. As Hubs grilled our boy his breakfast steak we joked a bit about what the neighbors must think smelling the grill so early each morning. As we sat outside sipping coffee and chatting it didn't occur to us that Neeko hadn't wandered out.  He was napping.  

Just as his breakfast cooled and I was calling him to come eat, our world shifted.  

We'd known for a long time that every minute with that precious boy was a pure gift from heaven. He'd lived so much longer than was normal for his breed mix.  A massive seizure lead us to an emergency vet, as we struggled to comprehend what we both knew. 

The vet was optimistic at first, told us take him home, maybe a few weeks, if we were lucky a few months.  We were so hopeful. We simply knew in our hearts our love would keep him with us. A few short hours and one very long seizure (over 10 minutes) and we knew that we had to love him enough to let him go. 

Being stupid COVID, only one of us was able to be by his side, holding him and loving him as he crossed the rainbow bridge and ran to his brother.  I so wanted to be selfish, I wanted to be the one there.  Again, I knew that wasn't going to happen, nor would it be right.  His daddy held him close and whispered to him that he was deeply loved as he left us. 

As we gathered the information for the sweet lady taking care of his cremation we realized our sweet baby had been part of our lives for just over 10 years.  And I can still recall the day he joined our family like yesterday.  From the jarring truck ride, to the dash down Locust street in sheer panic, to an evening spent with my girl trying to coax him inside for the night.  Ten cans of vienna sausages later we discovered all it took was a leash to get him to come right along.  We also discovered that if it included food, that sweet boy was never going to miss something thrown in his direction. 

He was the biggest baby his entire life.  Always wanting non-stop love, never trusting enough to accept it fully.  He'd had a bit of a rough start, I don't know that he ever quite got over it.  He loved to play and had a bigger toy box (which he sorted through on a regular basis) than most children.  His passion for playing and treats was simply unrivaled. 

I will never forget the email saying "there is a 3 year old brown haired, brown eyed baby boy needing a home"... or my response.... "I don't care if it is 2 legged or 4 legged... the answer is no".  How little I knew. 

I started this so long ago now it seems.  I never had the heart to finish it. 

He's home now, his ashes sit beside all the other fur babies.  We might actually take his toys down to the basement today.  We haven't really had the heart and well frankly, why does it matter. 

There will always be a hole in our hearts.  He was such a sweet and wonderful addition to our home and our lives.  Letting him go was so painful, we both know it was the right thing to do.  We are at peace and we know he is too.  

Sweet Neeko... you will always stay in our hearts until we meet again at that beautiful Rainbow Bridge. 

this journey...

Good Morning!  

Did anyone else wake up to a beautiful "fall-esque" morning? I sure did.  It seems we might be moving into the part of the year where I thrive.  I have to say, I need it. I have been silent here and other places because I am not in a good place.

I am working hard to get back there.  I am fairly sure it will require more changes than I have already made.  I am very sad at the world today.  I am struggling with the things I am seeing.  The sadness is almost overwhelming at times. 

Friday at work was hard.  I'm leaving it at that.  The events do not matter the result did.  I was up for many hours after I finally got home.  I was unable to sleep.  My stress level was higher than it has ever been.  The experience had a profound impact on me. 

Many times in my life, I have experienced these kind of events.  They are usually my tipping point.  The time when God is speaking the loudest to me, telling me to give it to him, that I needn't worry myself.  

After much prayer on Friday night, trying to navigate my feelings and emotions, overcome with tears out of a mixture of anxiety, fear (mostly of the kind of world we are creating), sadness and frustration, I finally felt semi-calm.  An hour of meditation allowed me to finally rest.  I have turned it over to God.  He will lead me through the next part of my journey. 

On my drive home Friday, I dropped the top of my sweet little bug and savored the beauty around me. The moon was divinely bright, with an almost golden hue - not silvery at all.  I could see Mars and Venus shining bolder and brighter than the stars that they dwarfed. I didn't turn on music, I simply drove in silence.  I think that is when the processing started.  

I've been too overwhelmed to write. In fact I have been almost incapable of putting together a sentence or thought for quite some time now.  I wasn't able to find solace in any of the things that usually bring me great joy.  I've been going through the motions.  Checking off boxes that show I am alive.  Sleep... we'll give that one a half check, waking... double check there, moving through the day... okay check.  You get the point.  

I am fairly sure that most of the planet is with me on this.  We are all dealing with and processing what we have endured at varying places and through varying actions. We all have to find our way. 

I took a week off, a few of those days I simply checked out of life.  I puttered, I created, I spent time with the my sweet pup.  Hubs was visiting his sister.  I was numb to life. 

I've been looking at life through a different lens for over a week now.  I guess that is what made Friday so profound. In the peace and tranquility, I started to realize all of the hurt, suffering, angst, and overwhelming need for grace all around me. I started to realize that globally we needed to heal, that we simply all need a bit more love, compassion, understanding and faith. 

I made my team some Yep's.  It was me being silly as that was the acronym for a new program we are starting tomorrow in an attempt to serve the people around us. I also wanted to see them smile. It worked. Yesterday as I was struggling still with the profound sadness and sense of loss that Friday left me with, I picked up the remaining yarn and a hook and sat listening to some podcasts and made 21 reusable water balloons for next years camp. The thread sliding through my fingers provided a stillness that was needed. 

I was feeling balanced, enjoying the cool breezes and rest.  

A few phone calls and emails later, the anger and angst returned. 

Again, after much time in prayer and meditation, I slept.  

The fact that I can say I slept is powerful.  That is two full nights of sleep.  It has been so very long since that was the norm.  For months on end I have slept fitfully, tossing, turning, waking, having horrible dreams and living a life filled with restlessness. 

This morning I woke up to the sun rising in the east and a pup anxious to go outside.  Normally, I wake up in the dark, jarred awake by nightmares.  It was so refreshing.  After walking outside, regretting my decision to not put on a sweatshirt, I felt energetic and alive. 

I spent an hour cooking Neeko's breakfast and working in my beautiful tree top garden. 

I snipped the marigold heads, remembering as a child Mom and Dad showing us how when they were teaching us how to grow things in our little garden plot.  I can't remember where it was, what we grew, or even if we grew things successfully.  I do remember snipping marigold flowers that had finished blooming, to prepare for the years yet to come. 

I will let them finish drying and then package them up.  Mom has been wanting marigolds for a few years now and never seems able to find them.  I will be sure to send her a package for her garden next year. 

Last weekend I made some pepper jellies from my garden, I will probably make a couple more today.  We love them and that way even in the dead of winter, we will be able to enjoy the flavors of summer.  I am hoping the ones I harvest today will have a bit more bite, the one's last weekend had to have help from some I purchased at the store, they were mild, with no bite. 

As I was snipping those flowers and caring for my precious veggies (even the carrots have decided to grow!), I felt an overwhelming need to write.  The words kept coming together in my head.  My desire to tidy my kitchen and work on things I needed to get done was pushed violently aside by the words rushing around in my head, looking for a way out. 

I'm still deeply saddened by the world we are living in.  I cannot comprehend some of the absolute vileness that I am witnessing.  I don't know that I am in the right place at the right time.  I am feeling more strongly every day that I am not.  Yet I have faith that the Lord will put me where I am supposed to be. 

I am a firm believer that if something feels wrong to your heart and soul, it is not for you.  I am wondering if that is where I am now.  I guess time is going to tell.  

Thank you for being here for me.  

healing...

... wow, it has been a very long time since I have written. I just haven't had it in my heart.  There was no room for much of anything as I navigated my thoughts, feelings, emotions and concerns. 

So much has happened in 2020.  It's been full of chaos, uncertainty, fear, anger and so many other things. I have been learning, growing and expanding my own consciousness. I have been silent on social media, in life, I have had very little contact that was required for me to exist. 

I am healing.  I am not the same person I was when I started this year.  Many things that were important... they no longer matter. That doesn't mean the people don't. Slowly I am adding people and things back into my bubble.  I am just being very careful as to how I do that. 

Yesterday started my 55th journey.  

So much has changed.  So many things are different.  My lens has changed.  Dramatically.  One of the reason's I haven't written.  I am still processing my thoughts, studies, the information I am weeding through. No one needed to be completely part of that process.  My poor hubs has probably felt I am a bit off my rocker, but in true Hubs fashion has followed the path and journey with me. 

I am filled with love and hope for our world, I am grateful for the amazing people that are traveling on my journey with me.  I firmly believe that God brings you the people you need when you need them most.  I am blessed by many.  Grateful for their love, energy, thoughts and prayers.  

2020... You are definitely a year to remember.  I am not sure that I will continue this blog. It may have run its course and filled it's place in my life, I am still working through it.  In fact I am considering a different platform... a new journey. I haven't decided.  I am still working through this portion of who I am and the journey that I wish to continue.  To me 55 is a bigger milestone than 50 was.  It's a turning point in my head. 

This morning as I prepared to return to work, I found myself choosing to wear colors that are completely not me.  My daughter gave me a beautiful dress that I would have never bought myself.  I am loving the light and airiness of it.  The colors and style are liberating.  I'm definitely not wearing my signature black.  It was a choice.  I like it. 

I needed these 5 days of nothingness.  I feel refreshed and ready for this moment.  Not excited about the a/c situation awaiting me, but... 

Thank you all for being a part of my journey.  Thank you for filling those holes in my life when I have needed it.  And thank you for allowing me to be your bridge when you weren't able to do it yourself. 

I am not promising that I will be back.  I am still deep in prayer and meditation about where my journey is going. But I will completely keep you in my heart forever, regardless where this journey takes me...