What if? I'm sure you've asked yourself that very question. Maybe in terms of a dream, an idea, a hope. Questioning some unseen outcome. I am firmly starting to believe that anymore we are programmed from a very young age to accept that dreams are simply something to linger and cause discontent, not an actionable path and journey.
It feels like we are pre-programmed to accept that those very dreams aren't a road map, a goal, something to strive for. Because if we don't want to follow them, then we stay stagnant. Pliable, controllable. We are not someone to worry about if we are moving in lock step, if we are doing things in the accepted manner. If we aren't pushing boundaries and chasing different rainbows then our choices don't make waves for others to navigate in the systems that surround us.
I've never fit inside the boundaries. I can't color inside the lines. Sometimes I really want to, I want to be just another brick in the wall as Pink Floyd used to sing. I want to be normal, sort of, well not really.
I'm 61. This morning long before the sun has considered rising I was outside in my garden. Sipping coffee, staring at the stars above and finding pure contentment in my often chaotic world. I watched my pups rush down the stairs to let some invisible intruder know that this was not their morning to be in our yard. I let my mind wander for a few minutes. Holding a coffee that was far too hot to be trying to drink, taking baby sips and pretending that I had let it chill for a moment or two in my impatience.
I'm 61. The other day Hubs made a comment while we were walking, that he had more years behind him, than ahead of him. It hit, hard. Not just for him, but for me also. It made me pause. It started the conversation that has been rattling in my mind. Dashing off into an entirely different directions all at the same time.
For most of my 61 years, I have spent the majority of my life in a serious people pleasing mode. I'm gonna say that is probably the operating system I received as I entered this life. Don't make waves, don't be different. Don't listen to that drummer in your spirit that is playing a different beat from the people surrounding you. Shut it off, ignore it. Fit in.
The problem as I see it, is that I don't fit in. And frankly, I don't want to.
The Dixie Chicks had a song when they were trying to mount their comeback. "Not Ready to Make Nice". Different lines have been playing in my head, mixing and dancing with my own thoughts lately. The circumstances of their song are different than how my brain is processing it. But I truly am not ready to make nice anymore, I'm not ready to back down. I want to be who I am.
I want to chase dreams and be comfortable being an extremely social introvert that is always willing to discuss quilting, knitting, crochet, soap making, herb and garden growing, and of course any form of natural/healthy living. Count me in!
I briefly mentioned the quilt I have been commissioned to make. I am going to start it this morning once the coffee kicks in. It will be queen sized, it will be made from a veteran's uniforms and a panel that represents his service to our country. I am so excited for this project. I love that I have a basic direction and then the rest of it is up to me. I made a choice to charge a lesser fee than most other's would charge. Not because I was trying to undercut them, I definitely wasn't. But because to me, it's about the person. It isn't just a job. You can't always define things by an hourly wage, when I did that math, heck it made me sick! I don't truly understand when life became about how much you could get for it. I am doing it because I love doing it, because it is for a veteran and it is all about cherished memories. I will definitely take you along on the journey.
Yesterday we decided to participate in the city wide yard sale. I wasn't excited, I am not really a yard sale person, I am more of a take it to the thrift store and move on kind of person. Yesterday might have changed my thoughts a bit. First off it was crazy busy, so I didn't have much down time, but I did find a bit of time to work on my latest cardigan. I also lowered the prices on most of my craft show items, frankly, they needed to go. With Beau's medications and the crazy high prices that are being charged for booths, it simply wasn't feasible to continue on that path.
So many people scolded me for how low things were priced, pointing out that I probably had more in materials than I was selling them for. And in some cases, they were right. In other's... not so much. But the truth of the matter is that they have been sitting in tubs, lingering. It was time for them to go to new homes. As a result of the conversations I had, I have 2 women that I am going to teach to crochet and or knit, I have two more that want to learn to sew the little bags I made. And one lady ordered two more baby quilts.
Truthfully, my spirit is soaring! I love passing skills on to other people. I've had to struggle a bit to acquire some of my skills, people weren't sharing when I was learning. I am seriously self-taught on many things and before YouTube the library and out of print books were my best friends.
If I couldn't fail, if I wasn't risking falling flat on my face... where would my dreams take me? If I was brave enough to risk displeasing some, failing in front of others... oh my...
Oh let's see...I'd have a small hobby farm, not huge, but big enough. It would be a gathering spot, for people wanting to learn all those silly granny crafts. The things that are being forgotten. I'd gather lots of skilled friends willing to share their knowledge. Some for free, some for a fee, none of it so much that it would cause a financial hurt to someone. Knowledge should be shared. Openly, willingly. A place where we all could grow and expand.
A kitchen to learn meal prep and canning. Somehow we have several generations now that cannot do that easily. A garden to grow and learn in. Oh my if dreams didn't cost so much, what a dream to have. Oh and it would need a pond, good sized, somewhere for Hubs to teach kiddo's how to tie their lure's on and fish for hours. Let them experience the peace and self-satisfaction of bringing home a few fish for dinner.
Can you picture it, a small cabin like building, big enough for like 20 people at a time. With gardens and maybe even a few farm critters, chickens, maybe a goat or ... well that is out of my range of knowledge so lets stop at chickens.
Open it to all ages, as long as the skill was skill level appropriate. Groups, individuals, scouts, home school kiddo's. The list is endless.
I've taught 2 and 3 year old's to cook, garden and do simple crafting. So nothing is truly off the table. A chance to gather those pesky tweens and teens to create something, to plant or care for something. For the most part our schools do not teach true life skills, they teach us skills that will benefit businesses, not individuals. My opinion.
I will forever remember almost twenty years ago and being assigned a group of tweens/teens that had never touched tools to build the benches for the Kaboom park we were building. It was probably one of the most rewarding experiences in my life. These kids worked through the challenges, came together as teams, learned to back out stripped screws and try again (so many times) and at the end of the day, I handed them a sharpie and let them all sign the underside of the benches. I tasked those kids in a city filled with graffiti and destruction to protect their work. I haven't been by there lately, but I know that 5 years ago those benches were still standing strong and serving the community. The pride in their work protected them.
So many adults are longing to learn those skills, social media is filled with it.
Can you smell muffins baking in the oven while you are teaching someone to make a quilt, to alter or change worn out clothing into something else. To stretch their dollars by learning life skills? Or working in a woodshop, building their own flower beds, cutting boards, oh my that list is endless too!
I feel we would be a whole lot better off as a society if we could simply bring some of those skills back. If the world stopped being disposable. If it returned to being precious and treasured.
Whenever anyone asks me a recommendation on a sewing machine, I immediately say a vintage machine, whatever you can afford, but I will quickly tell you my personal favorites if pressed. I do the bulk of my sewing on machines that are 76 years old. They are easy to maintain, they make the most beautiful stitches and they bring me complete joy. They aren't fussy, they don't need special anything, just a bit of oil and some TLC and they are ready for their next 100 years.
So what if?
I feel like I am mentally standing on a personal precipice. I just don't know what it is, and I am equally unsure of how I fit in this world. Pretty sure I don't fit at all. And that is just okay. I've spent 9 months of this year changing physically, that journey continues, but I have other changes I am wanting. Dreams I want to chase, might just be about time.
Well, I need to finish morning "chores" - butter needs made, the tallow is already in the crockpot. And I probably need to finish tidying up the garage from the yard sale and bring the albums up from the basement, we found someone that will cherish them as much as Hubs does - yet has the ability to play them.
Then my focus has to turn 100% to the quilt.
Have a mentioned how much I love my life? In during the chaos we are currently dealing with, there is a current of peacefulness to lean into. There is calm. It's amazing!
Start dreaming, then start doing, let's start our own revolution of dreamers!
much love,
b
This one is exceptionally good. Pictures are a great touch! 381+
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