I have been working on completing some walks through Yes.Fit, this journey I began in earnest back in July is pushing me forward. I'm not rushing it. I am letting my body and mind guide me. Which is a very strange place for me. I usually want to control situations regarding me. I don't usually have patience.
Yesterday roaming the streets of my adopted home town, I realized that for the first time in my life, the only one I need to really be responsible for is me. It was a shocking realization. I want to bring Hubs along, But his journey is his and I need to understand that. I would love to engage all of my loved ones on my health quest. The realization in the bright sunshine had been bubbling up for a long moment or two. I'd seen glimpses of it the past few months. I just hadn't finished processing it.
Sure when my babies were young, I was responsible for them. But my babies are grown. My youngest baby will start his 29th year this coming year. They are grown.
As I am working through my own 54th year, many things are becoming clear. This morning Hubs and I took our sweet old man up his favorite park for a walk and some sniffs. Probably more sniffs than walks, Hubs told me he wouldn't mind if I did a faster, longer walk than they were doing. I was longing to stretch my legs and stride - if a shorty like me can stride. Shuffling along was making me antsy.
But I felt guilty. Yesterday I walked over 8 miles, it's been a few years since I have done that. It felt incredible! I felt I should stay with them. I love my time walking with Hubs and Neeko, but this morning, I felt a powerful need to walk and think. To clear my thoughts and absorb my surroundings. My sweet Hubs understood that need.
So guilty or not, I decided to go. I stopped periodically to snap some pictures. For the time being it is about distance, not time. I am taking baby steps metaphorically. And I know that Hubs is not really ready to walk too many long distances with me yet. I needed to be okay to take those steps on my own. I love my sweet Hubs, I spend as much time with him as I can, I rarely do things solo, I enjoy doing them with my best friend. I do need to respect that he needs to be ready to do things on his own.
This year has led to several doctors appointments, tests, needles, ultrasounds, etc. No solid answers - I will honestly say my disappointment in the state of our medical system knows no end right now. They gave me random statements, with no solutions. My liver is damaged and swollen, my gallbladder was "acting up", maybe it's your heart - no it's not your heart - it's in great shape. Maybe, maybe, maybe... As much as this year of indecision has cost me, you would have thought they could do better than prescribing a daily antacid and Tylenol.
If you know me well, you know that is not an acceptable answer from a "professional" - in a profession that I do not trust.
I dove head and heart first into research. I needed to know how to cure myself, since the doctors are not any help. I was tired of being doubled over in pain. I was tired of feeling stabbed while trying to live my life. The exhaustion and inability to sleep were more than I could deal with.
Based on the little information provided, I decided it was time to go whole food, plant based. It was time to leave all that processed crap behind. And to walk away from all dairy, meats and processed oils.
My sweet Hubs has had a few health issues of his own. He's been struggling with many of the same responses or lack thereof and issues with the "professionals" that I have. I need him to be healthy and happy. I need to take care of him.
Hubs has done well, although he gives in to little things more than I do. If it has any of those items I will not eat it and go hungry. He isn't as stubborn. I've learned to always pack my own meals when I have a function to attend. I am never going to put myself in the position of going backwards.
I can't.
I've come too far.
We were at an event last night, that literally had no food we could eat. Nothing. We had snacked before, so it wasn't an issue. Yet as I watched the people around me all struggling with health issues, it made me sad. I wanted to scream out loud the difference it's made for us, but... each of us has our own journey. The woman sitting at the table with us was mocking me for not wanting a plate of food that would make my body hurt. Asking what do you eat? Lettuce. How stupid. That went on for quite a bit. I finally started to ignore her, not mature, but you can't have a discussion with someone that can only see one side.
I don't hurt anymore. So many things that were wrong, four months later are better. Four months ago, just walking the boys was a chore. Yesterday was an 8 mile day that didn't even remotely make me tired. It gave me energy.
Today, we came home from Sugar Creek Park Hubs and Neeko went up for a nap. He'd been up since 330 am - I know, I was awake then too, but I went back to sleep for hours. He was exhausted.
Me? Well I am only 16 miles from completing my first race. I went walking! Race is an odd term, because the only one I am racing is myself. My original goal for the first 50 miles was a moderate 20 days, each time I log in and it tells me I will finish in x number of days faster than my goal, I simply want to challenge it. I want to prove to myself that I can do better.
I walked to my favorite park, it's tiny and tucked away down a steep hill. It's worth the walk. I soaked up the beauty of the trees, walked under a juniper tree that was shedding it's berries, enjoyed the scent of wood fires and just absorbed the gifts that nature was giving to us. I was lost in my thoughts for an hour.
Hard to believe that an hour can give so much, when you choose to do so. I think of all the hours I have spent killing time, well it's never too late to start!
This journey... I am loving this journey!
Good one!
ReplyDelete-JW