finding grace...

There is an older country song... it has a line in it "what a day yesterday was"... it is referring to a wonderful yesterday full of love, hope and dreams. 

"Yesterday" for me was definitely filled with stress, chaos and unhappiness. But what a day it was!

I woke up to my alarm going off at 5 am, just like it does most days.  I'd finally had a full night's sleep and was really feeling ready to tackle the world. The linger effects of the sinus infection had cleared up for the most part. I'd finally had a long rest without worry or stress.  It seemed like it was going to be a darn good day as I lingered in bed snuggling my little old baby boy, thankful for another morning of his being beside me.  Knowing the morning is going to come when it's a memory. 

The bliss ended rather abruptly. 

Hubs came upstairs, he'd been awake for a bit, with the news that the pain was more severe, in his shoulder and running all the way down his arm.  Accompanied by tingling and icy cold. Not news you want to hear first thing in the morning after checking out of the hospital two days before for evaluation.  Hadn't I gone and gotten all the med's the doc said I needed?  

As I am lying there sorting through the rearrangement of my day and arguing with Hubs that he probably needed to be seen again... the phone rings.

As I put on my glasses and picked it up wondering who was calling off work and what in the world was going on, I see it's one of my sisters. 

Took a deep breath before answering, a 6 AM call from one of my sisters is never good news. 

It wasn't. 

My Dad was in the hospital. He'd been out for dinner with Mom and starting feeling bad.  Winding up in the ER confirmed that he'd had a heart attack. Mom had been with him all night and sisters were on their way to take over waiting with him for a room, so Mom could head home to rest. 

I didn't feel dread, I truly feel like both of them will be okay. But anxiety was definitely rearing it's ugly head. 

Sisters said while Dad feels like crap, he will be fine.  Doctor said it was not life threatening. So I was able to focus on Hubs. 

While still arguing with him about being seen, because evidently it's okay to stress me out, to be in pain and scared and to tell me to just go to work and he'll drive himself to the ER. I had just finished telling him that I am a very strong woman because of a long line of jerks and I was not going to accept it from him, when...

The phone rang yet again. 

Trust me at that point the day was already getting old and I was thinking of chucking the phone out the window.  That call brought the news that a water main had broken and they were closing our building.  We're tenants, we don't really get a say in any matters like that. 

Calling my boss, working on helping put all the pieces together that come with an emergency shut down while trying to hurry and get ready to take Hubs to the doctor I was starting to feel very stressed and very angry.  It'd been enough for one morning. 

Slipping off my heels - as I no longer needed them on to look professional, putting on my fun vans... I mean come on doesn't everyone smile when they are wearing van's with cherries on them? I grabbed the bag with my laptop, some knitting and water.  I'd learned my lesson on Tuesday.  

We'd called his primary care doc and the heart doc that had released him.  Neither of them would see him.  Take him straight to the ER.  I knew it was going to be a long wait. 

It was.  

But... if I needed to have a moment to take care of everything and put it back into balance.  Yesterday ended up being the day.  With my building closed, I no longer needed to rush anywhere. And I could focus on the Hubs.  My sisters could keep me posted on my parents.  And I could stop for a moment in time, get some work done in silence and move forward. 

As luck would have it, the Doc that we got in the ER didn't stop looking for the problem after determining that it wasn't his heart.  That the blood pressure being so high might be a symptom of something else.  She started looking deeper. 

After a few more tests, and a few shots to bring the pain he was feeling into check, she determined that he has a pinched nerve. Something we had been wondering since Wednesday.  The arm that is hurting is one that he had surgery on a long time ago.  As they controlled the actual pain the blood pressure fell to a normal range.  Good news!! 

A call from a sister told me that my Dad was doing okay, they were working on stabilizing his blood pressure and that they would be keeping him for observation for a few days.  He will be okay too. 

And just as they were coming to a conclusion with Hubs, the phone rang.  The landlord was letting me know that we would have water again momentarily. So I was able to start reversing the tasks of the morning.  Needed to call all the workers back and get us back open. 

Sitting in the ER listening to broken conversations, beeping monitors and rushing steps in a very uncomfortable chair I was able to feel peace again. I was able to wonder at the power God has to make things happen the way that they need to.  Even if in that moment in time it doesn't feel like it. 

This morning I got up bright and early and started to get things rolling.  I am hosting a Pampered Chef party at my house.  This is a first for me, I never HOST parties.  I will attend, I will host an online, but I am definitely not a hostess person. Remember, I am not exactly friendly or sociable.  That being said, I happen to adore this sweet woman and would do anything I could to help her out. 

So... Fajitas and Margaritas are happening in about 9 hours.  I've invited everyone that I could think of and bought the best ingredients I can find.  The B's and my girl will be here and who know's who else.  I have enough to feed an army so hopefully it isn't just the seven of us. And if it is, well we'll just enjoy each other, laugh a lot and have a great time. 

For now... I'm catching my breath.  Tomorrow will find me back at work fighting the good fight, today, I need to have a bit of me time.  This stress is wearing me out!

thankful

Soft snores.

Beeping alarms.

Scurrying feet shuffling just beyond the closed curtain. 

That was about 18 of my last 24 hours.

Hubs was having some problems.  Mostly self-inflicted.  We are only given one body and we really do need to at least try to take care of it.

Luckily we came away from this scare with just a few medications and mostly lifestyle changes.

When I got the text message that involved words like ambulance, something on the EKG, the first reaction was fear.  I love that crazy fool and that is not the text that I want to receive following a lunch time phone call:

Hubs: I'm having some chest pain I think I'm gonna get a doc appointment.

Me: I can come out and meet you.

Hubs: No, it's not that bad, just figured I should get it checked out.

What?  That is not how any text message should come.

Almost 4 hours in the most HORRIBLE ER that we have ever been in, totally a repeat experience from several years ago.  I desperately try to avoid that hospital for that very reason. The hospital itself is full of caring, competent nurses, doctors, technicians.  I love the fact that they have morning and evening prayers, it calms my soul.

But that first 4 hours, waiting for them to even care enough to check his blood pressure - the main reason he was sent to the hospital in the first place.  Or consider running any of the tests that the nurse running triage in her snarly disrespectful manner kept insisting that they had already run.  Those wore me OUT!

What I witnessed from that charming woman was a direct contrast to all the signs placed about the room claiming that compassion and respect were their greatest attributes. I understand feeling overwhelmed and searching for your calm.  I've been there.  But to witness that to people that were ill, scared, feeling neglected and uncared for.  It was simply more than I could handle for a few hours.  And to keep stressing that a four hour wait was okay, well actually no it isn't.

I was distressed to see so many people using the Emergency Room as a general care facility.  Didn't all of our co-pays and cost for health insurance go up so that folks could see doctors?  What is up with all these Urgent care facilities.  I watched a man bleeding profusely wait for over 4 hours to be seen, he was told his bleeding was not as important as the steady stream of people coming in laughing, walking on their own two feet unassisted, carrying a full size pizza for the wait stating "yeah, I've had this stuffy head for a few weeks now, decided I'd better get it looked at".

Why is that still a thing?  I understand that Doctors are tough to get an appointment with, but seriously every Walgreens has a clinic and there are literally Urgent care clinics on every corner - most of them open until at least 9 pm.

I was worried about my sweet Hubs.

I'm still worried about him, but I have to admit that the stress of the past almost 24 hours at this point is tinged a bit with an odd mix of relief and anger.

I will admit to pure joy disposing of tobacco products might have had me a bit giddy! It has caused me so much stress.  The mom in me has been going crazy wanting to protect him from himself and unable to do anything.

I feel like I have an army surrounding us.  People have been calling, texting and emailing all day.  Full of support and love.  I know that many people love him and want the best for him.  I know that this army, this Y family as well as blood family and dear friends will help him when it feels too much.  He is going to get past this hurdle and be moving forward in no time at all.

I've dusted off my cookbooks and YDPP books, the same formula that worked before can work again.  We will start walking short walks as soon as he is feeling up to it.  By full on motorcycle season he will be healthy and strong again.  And I won't have to worry about that pesky tobacco.

Based on the past 24 hours, it's hard to believe we spent the weekend out on the motorcycle stealing the first full weekend of 2018 that was warm enough to ride.  If I had known he was worried about pain I wouldn't have ridden.  But knowing him.  I know exactly where his mind went.

Tomorrow I will return to my work world, he will rest in bed a bit longer.  Doc feels a couple of lazy days will do him good while those med's start working their magic.  We will all benefit as he adjusts to a bit less coffee and those first days away from tobacco from him resting at home.

Life is far too short and sometimes we need wake up calls.  Hubs is a very special man, I sometimes doubt he knows how loved and respected he is. His generous and loving spirit impacts people every day.  His gruff man in charge attitude is his shield. 

Every day I am thankful that I rarely if ever encounter that shield.  That instead, I am often his real life shield.  I am blessed to be able to protect and shelter that loving, kind and gentle man.  When you take a moment to know him... you truly understand why.

Now this very tired woman is going to sleep.  Four tortured hours of sleep in the midst of dealing with hospitals, pharmacies, and going to get his car and making healthy meals has me remembering that I am not superwoman and that I need rest also.

Hug your loved ones.  Because they are truly a blessing in this life! And thank the family and friends that are there when you need them, hands and hearts outstretched when you are worn and weary.

and it's over for now...

And just like that, in what seemed like the blink of an eye the magical trappings of Christmas vanished.  This morning the tree still glittered bright, the lights at the mantel still charmed and the magic of having my babies and both my grand babies home for Christmas seemed to have only been a moment ago.

Sitting here in the stillness, with no colored lights and the everything "normal", I realize that it's been a few weeks since my youngest and his sweetie headed back west.  They are back living their lives, in fact tomorrow is my youngest babies birthday.  I wish I was there to celebrate with him.  Instead I will go to work and it will be just another day.

I haven't even spent much time with the oldest.  Although we did go to the Ice Festival yesterday. Despite being freezing, it was great fun and I was in awe of the skill of the ice carvers. I can't even imagine trying to carve ice.  The cold factor alone pretty much guarantees I will not even try.

I finally gave in and went to the doctor on Friday.  Seems I should have probably went to an Urgent Care when I was unable to get an appointment. Luckily it wasn't the flu, just one of the worst sinus infections the doc has seen in a good long while.  Lots of meds and she is hopeful I will feel normal in about 3 weeks, optimist that I am I asked if she meant 3 weeks from when I got sick (haha - it's already been over a month) she didn't even find that amusing. She also said it could be 3 months before I get all of my hearing back.  WHAT?  Let's hope she just has a thing about three's and its much sooner than that.

Sitting here listening to Hubs finish up the dishes and the wind blowing outside, it feels sort of anti-climatic.  Snowy village is boxed away, there are simply no remnants left.  Unless you count the bowls of peppermint puffs that there were not enough kids willing to eat.  Or the random bits of chocolate in various candy dishes.  I still need to put the games downstairs to await the boy coming home again.  And I need to mop. 

Being sick for so long has worn me out.  I am considering calling it an early night. All the stuff on my to do list or wanna do list for the weekend is still out there, it's waiting for another minute.  I will probably cut out a few of the lip balm holders that I promised my younger sister, I don't think I will get all 10 finished today.  I didn't get the soap made.  And I definitely didn't do the laundry. But Christmas magic (because to me it truly feels like magic) is tucked away for another year.

Well, much to do before I lay my head on my pillow tonight, I will be back soon, I promise.  This funk in my head is clearing and this has literally been the first time I've even been able to string together thoughts.

Soon...

and a new one begins...

Happy New Year!  Can you believe we've already hurried through another year?

Final fire of 2017...

2018 came to the mid-west in a bitter fit!  It's cold!  -6 is not a temperature that I am used to waking up to, that's for darn sure.  And I have no idea if it was colder before I looked at 730 am. Sad to feel thankful that it's climbed to a balmy 9.

Today marks the start of another 365 days to have great experiences and enjoy life.  Although I am pretty sure that could be said for any day.  I am not sure what makes January 1 so significant.  It really is just another day. A bitterly cold day this year, but it really isn't all that special.

It's a day.

Now it is a day to slow down and enjoy family, friends and life.  And for that I am grateful.

Both of the "B's" were supposed to come ring in the new year last night, but unfortunately one of the B's was sick.  And although we missed her, it was a fabulous time for us to visit, talk, sip wine and enjoy the fire.  The Hubs used his new indoor/outdoor bbq grill and made us steaks that we enjoyed with baked potatoes and roasted brussels.  It was fabulous to just enjoy time.

a bottle of red, a bottle of white... 

Hubs gave up early, later than usual, but still early.  We rarely ring in the new year, we usually snooze through it. My B and I made it to midnight - barely!  We were chatting away and almost missed it, if it hadn't been for the fireworks we would have never noticed.

Soon we will get the other "B" over here and we will do it all over again.  I've decided things like that are missing in my life and I am going to spend this year working on fixing that.  I often feel like if you are "blessed" to call me friend - then you have really gotten the short end of the deal. A blessing it is not.

I am a terrible friend.  I barely keep myself in line, so many things going on, and I often forget things like birthday's and special anniversaries when my friends may need me.  I can become quite oblivious.  Not out of maliciousness, simply because I struggle so hard with things like memory and balance.  If I'm being truthful, and I am usually that to a fault, friends aren't the only ones I do a lousy job of keeping track of - family too.  Hubs, kids and grand babies have all suffered as a result of my scatter brained way of being.

It's not because of lack of love.  It's simply me. I lose track of days, weeks and often months.  I write notes upon notes to keep myself organized and on track.  I don't always succeed.  I try to remember if there was ever a time that I didn't struggle so much.  If there was, I have long forgotten when it was.

So I am going to try again this year.  But truthfully, if you don't get a birthday card or a call, know it isn't because I don't love you, it's simply that I have gotten lost in life again and wasn't successful at the goal.  I have an entire shelf that is full of birthday cards, baby cards, sympathy cards, thank you cards, and many others.  Each bought with an intention of mailing them to a loved one.  Each one still living here.

There are truly times that it feels like my brain is full of worm holes, like the kinds from the old Star Trek episodes.  Do you remember?  You go in at one spot and who knows where you will come out.

The people that make up the fabric of our lives are so vitally important.  And while I am lousy at remembering the conventional things, I assure you, nothing comes before someone that needs me.  My family and friends know they can wake me from a dead sleep, send me a text that says I need you, heck I'd say smoke signals - but I don't know how to read them.

I try to be present and giving to all I meet and encounter.  Maybe I do it selfishly, because it makes me feel so alive to truly enjoy others.  But something as silly as the sweet lady at Walmart with the heavy accent of a new immigrant, that felt I looked safe enough to ask a question about cream, I enjoyed helping her solve her dilemma.  Too many times I have lived in another country and had to figure out how to make my favorite dishes with ingredients that are just not quite the same.  I hope her dish turned out like she expected it.

I also enjoyed immensely the young lady at the mall that was willing to laugh with us about me sharing a chocolate covered strawberry with my sweet Hubs.  In this city of ours where the divides sometimes feel deep and painful, she willingly bridged that divide to tease that I must love him to share those strawberries... We all were laughing and wishing each other a happy new year.

I want more of those experiences.

I want to take time to share dinner with my children, to laugh at my sweet youngest grand daughter as she learns to explore life and celebrate the changes as my oldest grand daughter leaves childhood behind to become a dreaded teenager.

To laugh with my B's and enjoy their company.   Not work related.  Love related.  As they are important to me on many, many levels.  I want to find time for my other two besties also... I wish they weren't so far away!

And always to spend time with sweet Hubs.  He and I are the perfect matched set.  As we will celebrate our 15th anniversary this year, with February 21 marking the beginning of our 15 years together, I want to rejoice!  All those years ago so many naysayers said it would never last.  I wasn't his type, he would leave me, the age difference was too much... oh the stories I could, but won't, tell.  He and I have been through so much together.  Laughter, tears, joy and sadness... through it all... we are still us!  I can't even fathom that 15 years have flown by.  It feels like we've just begun.

To anyone taking the time to read this, please take a few moments each day to celebrate the people close and more distant that make your life the rich tapestry that it is.  And while you are at it, maybe take time this year to smile at strangers, help people in need and simply be the person that you want in your life.  The power of it... is AMAZING!