Deep fog, to the point that you could not see the length of the headlights in front of you. And so very cold. 39 is a bit cool. Two sweatshirts, thicker sweat pants (way too big - but that is okay they kept me warm), and a set of gloves, Hubs and I set off to walk.
We try to go to the river to walk on the weekends, it is a bit flatter, not so hard on the Hubs. This morning it was downright surreal. To the point that Hubs made the comment, I wonder if this is what the afterlife looks like. I didn't disagree. Moving just 20 feet away meant that you lost sight of the person you were walking with. The trees and town made ghostly shadows and it was so wet!
Hubs injured his back at work a few weeks back. And has struggled to walk each day. We were up to an average of 4 miles a day. Even topping out at 5 or 6 on the weekends. Now he barely makes the 2 miles without slowing and being in pain. So, how is a girl to get in her steps and exercise while still spending quality time with hubs? Well, she starts putting some slow jogging into the routine.
I am so stunned that for two days now I have been able to jog for a total of .5 or more of my three miles. I've never been a runner. Probably never will be. I have horrible feet and we already know one of my knees feels like it should be 80. I also am fairly certain that I don't truly like jogging.
But... I love that I am able to do it. I am beyond pumped. In January I could barely walk. As I struggled through therapy and multiple draining and shots in my knee, I was sure that I was never even going to go for a nice long walk again without intense pain. I was fairly positive I would never see my calf or ankle again. And that toes and not baby sausages were going to be the norm for the rest of my life on the left side. I limped very painfully and just walking the boys was enough to require a hot Epsom salt bath if I wanted to make it through the day.
By May when I went to see my son, I had reached a "fake it" point. I could force it through the day, the swelling was still unbelievable and I jokingly referred to it as my "fat" leg. I was always worried that it was a sign of some horrid health issue. I suffered through it, smiling, pretending. Sucking down anti-inflammatories and praying I could make it until July/August when I could have another shot. I was completely depressed.
This morning as Hubs moved along at his steady pace, too slow for me to get a good work out where I am now, but fast enough for a brisk walk, I took off jogging again. I'd run until I could no longer see him through the fog and then turn and head back, going each direction that way for a few times. Until my legs felt week and my breathing became labored.
This morning I realized it wasn't a fluke. It wasn't an accident. This morning I realized as I was drifting through the early morning fog, My hair drenched from the mist, my glasses fogged up from the cold air against my warm body, I realized that I have reached a turning point. For the first time in my life, I have intentionally made a change, a difference in who I am and what I want to accomplish.
One of my friends posted on Facebook about accomplishments. That really resonated in my head and heart. Am I up to a full mile, oh hecky no!, but I am going a bit further each morning. Today, my total running was .6 of a mile. Yesterday it was .5. Who knows if my legs can take it maybe tomorrow will be .7, or maybe I will slide back to .5. I am definitely feeling the exertion today. I am always brutally aware that I have FMS, that I will always struggle to keep it on an even keel.
Today, running along the top of the levee, through the mist, with a mix of the theme from Rocky and Happy playing courtesy of the Hubs who always loves to make a sound track for life, I felt a bit like a super hero. I felt invincible and strong. It didn't bother me that I couldn't run solid for the entire length of either song. It made me feel empowered that even when my legs and lungs couldn't take it I didn't stop. I simply slowed down to a more reasonable pace. And my sweet Hubs cheered me on! Even when his back wouldn't let him walk further, he followed me in the car to make sure nothing happened to me, cheering me on, talking to me on the phone.
I am reaching for those stars... I am climbing the mountains before me. Both real and in my mind.
I was right, 51 has proven to be a powerful year for me!
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