struggles...

On the deck in these early hours I am enjoying the coolness.  It's so refreshing after the heat we've been experiencing.  I know it will return as soon as the sun fully rises.  But for now, I am enjoying the birds chirping, the squirrels running helter skelter through the tree tops, the soft whisper of the leaves as a very gentle breeze moves through. In the distance I heard the chickens waking up from their slumber, wanting breakfast I'm sure. I am enjoying a moment of solitude.

It's been a brutal few weeks.  Maybe I had too much fun on vacation.  Not sure. Karmic balance or something like that.  Professional and personal have been teetering on the point of almost too unbearable. The heat has only punctuated the distress that I've been feeling. 

Bless Hub's heart, he sure has done all in his power to make sure I don't implode.  Each weekend we have had adventures, riding for hours.  Laughing, talking and simply enjoying each other and our travels.  Short trips, long trips, dashes in and about town.  Lunches on waterfronts, winding back roads.  Picnics in Mark Twain's backyard.  New places, old places, silence and noise.  

So much hasn't gotten done, which stresses me a bit more.  But the things that have been done have made me feel light and carefree.  I've needed that. 

A few almost breakdowns. A few tears.  Lots of prayers and laying things at God's feet.  

Neighbors that are inconsiderate.  Jerks that hurt people I love.  Insurmountable deadlines. It's been high stress. I am tired of being called a racist every time what I am saying to someone is disagreeable to them. 

And now there is a jerk in the neighborhood that is making non-stop noise.  At first I thought it was a hammer, but I am not sure anyone without a dozen arms could hit something that many times.  It non-stop and loud.  A beating, almost pounding noise.  It is giving me one heck of a headache.  I wish whoever it is would simply stop.  Respect that it is only 8:30 on a summer morning.  

I gotta say I am so over jerks lately.  People that simply cannot be kind, considerate, compassionate. People that seem to live in their own personal bubble, feeling like they are the only ones entitled to exist, the only ones that have a "right" to happiness. 

I'm tired. 

I know I am not the only person that feels this way.  It's just that we were raised to consider others feelings before speaking our own thoughts.  

I am worried about people that I love.  So many are going through so much right now.  I would give anything to have a magic wand.  The kind that could make those jerks that cause the hurt and pain go away. My wand from Olivanders simply isn't doing the trick. 

Well... the racket in the woods is driving me to distraction and now another neighbor is mowing.  I am going to head inside and leave my little paradise. 

Just gonna leave it here... 

No one is more important than anyone else, and your words thoughts, and actions should always reflect a kind, caring  and loving manner to everyone and everything around you.  

Just my thoughts...

would you like some wine with that?

I have to wonder what it says about my week... I'm eating a bowl of Doritos with the remainder of my fabulous German wine from Hermann, at 8:40 at night.  Why?  Because I have no energy or desire to do anything else.

looking for beauty...

Thought about ordering a pizza hours ago.

The drama and torture of trying to change all of my financial commitments, has worn me out!

My "new" bank... The one that came into my existence at 2 pm on a Friday afternoon, this Friday afternoon! Suddenly nothing I have works anymore.  Our bank was bought out.  I get it.  I've received bits and pieces over the past few days.  Nothing switched until today though. Suddenly, years of having a bank I loved vanished.  The staff at our bank assured us this was an incredible change for us. I'm trying to trust they aren't lying.  The act of totally switching would be overwhelmingly complicated.

And of course my car payment coincides with the whole change.  But seems they don't answer their phones and their webpage is down.  Makes it hard to insure they get their money.  Stress... yeah thanks, I seriously do not need anymore right now.

All of this chaos is more "change" than I am up to right now.

It's been one of those weeks.

Evidently the kind of week that ends in a Friday night feast of Doritos and a delicate Vignoles from the Hermannhof Vineyards.

Probably going to feel strongly opposed to the combination tomorrow.

Tonight.  Well tonight it works.

I'm considering a career change.  I feel I should become a meteorologist.  I want to be a local weather person.  I want to be dead wrong most of the time and still get paid just for being cute or charming.

So many times in the past two weeks I've heard what a mild June we would have.  The rains and thunderstorms that we expected each day, never found their way here.  Instead it was brutally hot.  100 degrees showed on my car thermometer too many times.  The humidity was so high that I am fairly certain my hair hasn't been dry all week.  Even tonight as the "heat wave" moved east, and it was a balmy 96, its still sticky and warm.

I am not a mid-west native.  I am sure every year from June - August/September that I do not even want to be a mid-west resident.  I long for the cool ocean breezes that my sweet boy and his girl get to enjoy.  I didn't understand the lack of air conditioners on the coast.  Ours has been pumping it's heart out for months. Having been there a few times now, I get it.  I miss it.

My body does not like heat.  It's so painful for me. My muscles rebel.  Tight, angry, cramping.  Heat is my mortal enemy.  I wasn't prepared this week.

It caught me off guard.

Tonight sipping my wine, I am plotting.  I'm planning how to cut into my stress.  Which this week has been extraordinarily high. How to handle the heat.  How to cope.  How to make my knee stop aching.

Pretty sure wine does not head up the list of treatment for any of those issues.  

I'm equally sure that it is making it much easier to handle it all. I have friends that are going through so much more than I can comprehend.  I need to figure out how to support them.  How to be a better person. Especially when I am struggling so hard to take care of me.

The sweet Hubs loved me enough to bring me a special brunch yesterday, flowers in the afternoon and the most amazing chocolate.  I know he worries, I feel bad that it causes him stress.  I'm stronger than I feel.  I need to show that more to him, so he isn't worrying so much.

sorry didn't share... wow!

pure love

I have items in my professional world that have stressed me to the brink of insanity.  Things that are taking so much energy and stamina.  Things I am not sure I really possess any longer.  It's been too much lately.

I have several jobs that I cannot give away! Please don't tell me there are no jobs.  Please spare me.  The reality is that there are jobs.  There are simply more people that want to avoid working.  It doesn't suit them. I get it.  Many days I would rather stay in my jammies and rest.  I assure you my fibro would be so happy! But I stretch it out, take a hot shower and I get ready to face the day.

I have projects that simply feel bigger and stronger than I am.  I know they aren't.  But when you are battling your own realities... what isn't doesn't matter.  It becomes real.

Well... I am going to go and enjoy my wine, rest and pray that tomorrow is less complicated, less stress filled and more importantly... cooler!

Here's to good wine and a wonderful weekend for all... rest.

finding the road less traveled...

Hard to believe it's been over a week since I left LA.  Since looking down from 30,000 feet, knowing that somewhere down below me my youngest was happily going about his life, feeling a bit lost and disconnected. They grow up, they move on, and at some point you learn to accept those tiny snippets of time for the treasure that they are.

I've been home almost 10 days, I jumped back into insanity straight off the bat.  Long days of catch up, attending training, and dealing with so many things.  It's been stressful, sleep stealing and down right nerve racking.

Yesterday was all mine and Hubs.  Today was the same.  Wind in our face, sun shining down on us.  We've squeezed a few odd jobs in and yes we both know there are so many at home jobs needing done.  And no, we are fairly positive they will not all get done this weekend.

It's okay.

This morning I was sitting there surrounded by "my garden" if you can call it that, googling different things that could be wrong since my zucchini and cucumbers are not setting fruit.  Watching the clouds starting to roll in, I was worried we might not get our whole ride in.  Or if we did, it might have a soggy end.

No calls, no demands on our time, just whatever we want to do.  That is how we spent an entire weekend.

Sitting there enjoying a cup of coffee, listing to Hub's music - he simply cannot enjoy the silence that is nature. We are very different in that. I'm okay with it.  There is plenty of time for me to find beauty in the silence.  He didn't have music all day, I don't like it on the bike.  Too much stimulation for this girl.

We decided to run an errand for a friend yesterday, like we seriously need an excuse to take a long ride down into southeast Missouri.  And Trout Lodge is beautiful regardless of the time of year.  A blistery hot summer day was no exception.  I love that feature on Google maps that lets you avoid highways, etc.   We found beautiful winding two lane black top roads, the kind where the local farmer parks his equipment while going in to have lunch. Not on the side of the road, on the road, and it's all good.   We were probably the only folks past there all day.

As we followed those curvy winding roads and Hubs was concentrating I had the opportunity to simply disappear into thought.  Into daydreams and happy places.

It's so healing, spending time with my best friend.  Picnic lunches, miles and miles of black top slipping by under our tires as we found back roads and much needed peace. Yesterday found us down south, enjoying areas where we used to play, prior to getting our last Harley.  When we still had our property down there.  Zipping past we didn't feel the need to travel down the road that would take us past Woodland Lakes, I guess neither of us truly missed it.

A picnic lunch in Sullivan, with treats from Fricks.  Our favorite grocery/deli in Sullivan.  It hasn't changed a bit.

The evening was spent doing a few chores, not as many as we should have gotten done, but mentally... wow!

We headed north east this morning, both of us craving a trip along the river road. A bit of time spent buzzing through Pere Marquette Park provided us both with a respite from the heat.  There was supposed to be a storm rolling in, seems to have missed us.

A ride across the Mississippi and we were riding along the beautiful roads in Calhoon county.  We stopped at a local farmers stand, just for a few minutes to stretch and browse.  Ended up buying several homemade jams and jellies.  Hubs and I are both huge supporters of local businesses.

The roads there are smooth and winding. The barn quilts are in abundance.  We love rolling hills, the fields of wheat and corn.  It's some of the prettiest country I have ever seen.  And the temperature there is a bit more mild.  Probably because it is so surrounded by raging rivers.

We needed a rest after all those miles and decided to stop at the Grafton Winery.  What an absolute delightful break in our travels.  An iced bottle of wine, incredible anti-pasta plate, and live music.  That was an incredibly talented young man.  The whole place was dancing and singing along.  We will definitely be heading back there!

Unfortunately, the day wound down and it was time to come home.  Laundry was waiting for attention, groceries needed bought and the house needed love.  After all, tomorrow is Monday, the real world will be drawing us back into it's grasp.

I needed this weekend.  Time with my "BFF", a long chat with my girl and a long chat with one of my "b's"... Hours of wrapping my arms around my hubs, enjoying the sunshine and the beauty that is found down the roads less taken.  A weekend of laughter and love.