Wednesday, June 17, 2015

A living or a life?

Dinner is simmering... hopefully Hubs will enjoy it.

I am seriously debating on a glass of wine.

And it's not raining.  Note I said "not" because it's been a very damp summer. And it hasn't even officially started yet.  The weather channel is promising more rain as Tropical storm Bill is heading our way.  My boys are not enjoying the moisture.  And frankly, I am tired of trying to balance an umbrella and hold a leash and bags.  I have resorted to simply going with the soggy look.

Hubs is having a rough one, he pushed a bit too hard yesterday.  I know he's dedicated, and that he want's to accomplish as much as he can in the next 12 days.  But at what price?

I worry that he is causing more damage.  I worry that he can only handle so much pain.  I am terrified that he is going to push himself too hard.

And then I wonder... Do we spend too much time and energy focused on the wrong things? The new doctor won't say how long he will be out, his paperwork will say TBD (to be determined).

TBD - I wish the last doctor had thought in those terms.  I wish he hadn't promised he'd be dancing a jig in 6 weeks.  I wish that he'd been more careful in his care and treatment.  But wishing doesn't change anything.

I keep hearing the strains of an old commercial "in this work a day world..." I don't remember the commercial who it was for or what it was about.  But that phrase... What is our focus?  Are we making a living or making a life?

If I left for work one day, to never return, what would my legacy be? What would any of our legacies be? When my children came to clean up the remains of my life, what would they see?  How would they feel? What would they think?

Would they see the alpaca fibers on my spinning wheel languishing there for almost two years now, waiting for me to find the time to return to them.  Their beauty and softness sitting there patiently.  Or the various projects that I have started, some of them gifts for them.  Would they wonder why I never found the time to finish them.

Would they see they avocados sitting in the bowl, too ripe to use now, because I was too busy making a living.  Would they wonder what I had planned and why?

Would they notice the dishes still sitting in the sink since breakfast?  Or the ironing, that I slowly work on, never quite finding the time to finish it.  Would they notice the Easter Bunny decoration, that I keep forgetting to gather up and pack away, too exhausted to worry each time I notice it?  Fooling myself that it blends with my decor?

What will their thoughts be about it all?  There is a poem about the dash... how are we using our dash?  Are we spending all of our time on things that matter strongly to someone else.  Searching for approval and striving to be more to more people?  Focusing on that dollar?

In the end, do any of us really want our tombstone to say "she wished she'd spent more time at work"?

All of the stress and strain.  All of the health crisis's of not just hubby, but also close friends and too many people that I spend time with day in and day out.  It's wearing heavy on me and it's making me question too much.  Way too much.

This has been an incredibly long month, waiting for them to finally heal hubby feels like it is taking forever... Is it about making a living or making a life? For both of us... maybe the humbling will open our eyes and our hearts?

Life is short. We need to be enjoying the ride. We need to leave a legacy of love, where our children walk through the door at the end and they smile, savoring the memories.  Not regretting what we didn't make time for.