random musings...

Should I?  That is the question racing through my mind right now.  

I had a delightful time playing with my Singer 99K yesterday.  It is an absolute dream to sew on and I finished the baby quilt top I was working on late last night.  In all honesty, the top probably took about 5 hours, and that included my definite struggle trying to decide what fabrics to use from my stash.  I wasn't about to buy new fabric when my cabinet is absolutely overflowing. 

I gave it a very quick oil yesterday, yet it still sounded a bit louder than I expected.  Of course inquiring minds need to know, and yep that is me.  I am quite mechanically inclined and I am definitely not afraid to tackle most anything.  As anyone that has read this for a while might remember... that whole ice maker thing with my fridge... I just need the right information and I will completely tear apart anything and put it back together. 

That being said, last night I woke up for some reason at 3 am.  I guess that is my wake up time when I am excited or engaged deeply in something, I simply couldn't fall back asleep, my mind was spinning.  It was not my fault that I opened my YouTube account and there staring me straight in the face was a series of videos about refurbishing vintage Singer sewing machines and their cases.  

My case is very rough, so that was the first thing I watched and I feel like Hubs and I together can definitely repair that baby and make it better than new.  I have a beautiful scroll saw that was simply made for that kind of work. Instead of making me tired, that video only inspired me to want to learn more.  Did I mention that I love learning new things?  

The next set of video's was geared to the Featherweight Singer 221 machines, and I don't know if I mentioned it yet, but... well... I might have bought one of those as well.  It should be arriving today. 

I can honestly admit that I have spent evidently the past two hours deeply engrossed in videos that show how to completely disassemble, clean, oil and service both the 99K and the 221.  Now my head is spinning and I am ready to engage the mechanical side of my brain.  Sweet Hubs might come home to find out I have disassembled my 99K. As much gunk that I have removed simply from the bobbin casing area tells me the rest of it hasn't been cleaned or dealt with in a very long time also. 

It is dangerous for me to have time to do the things I love.  What I find is one thing leads to another, which leads to another, which... yeah you get the idea. Yesterday was a day of chores for the most part. Paying bills, making appointments, grocery shopping, cooking.  It wasn't very creatively productive at all until about 4 pm, and then I almost forgot to make Hubs dinner, I was far too wrapped up in working on the baby quilt top and learning my new to me 99K.  

Heck, I even got Hubs working on it.  As I mentioned he is planning a project, and initially he proved me right when he said he was definitely using the Pfaff, now I get the feeling he is not so sure.  I understand.  These old machines are absolute gems. 

I didn't even manage to do much work in the treetop garden, except watering it and harvesting some lettuce and a few more of the radishes (they are almost done for the season) for our dinner salad.  I need to weed a few of the boxes - birds keep planting their seeds - guess they don't feel I am keeping the feeders full enough - or they want something fresher.  I also need to get the basil planted before I kill this batch also.  

I simply do not know how anyone could have ever told me I would be bored being home. Truthfully, I am so busy it isn't even funny.  And I love it!  

I love that in the middle of the day when my girl stopped by to drop off some pavers, we are going to eventually use on our hill, I could stop and sit out in the sun and chat with her. She is quite a hustler and her time comes in small doses in between projects and jobs. As much as I hate the summer heat, sitting out front in the sunshine and chatting was incredible. 

I simply do not understand how anyone could get bored or not have enough to do in their own homes.  On the flip side, I mourn at the amount I didn't get done when I worked.  Armed with a cup of coffee (or glass of ice water) I can keep myself entertained and deeply engaged in stuff all day and then some.  In fact, I think my brain not shutting off at night is partly due to the fact that I simply don't have time to explore everything I want to during the day. 

I feel our world is changing. I see so many help wanted signs, everywhere I go they are desperate for more workers.  Part of my brain believes it is the crazy stimulus stuff that happened in the past year.  And I definitely believed that firmly a few months back.  Why work at a job that wasn't paying you a decent salary when you could stay home and make more. 

Now I am wondering.  

Is it that they are making more on stimulus?  Or is it because once you are exposed to the freedom of exploring things that fill your soul on a deep level. Once you have time to enjoy your family and participate in the day to day.  Once you can follow your dreams and imagination. Once you are exposed to all of that, do you have a taste or willingness for the mundane?

Is that 8 - 5 job worth the losses of new found freedom's and ways to express ones self?  A lot of the people that were doing those jobs took that time to explore their passions.  To figure out what they really wanted out of life. And maybe those passions don't align with making a burger or working somewhere that they didn't feel respected and appreciated. Where the exchange of their life, those precious waking hours, were not being cherished. 

I have had many jobs in my lifetime.  A few I would do again in a heartbeat, they filled my passions and fueled my soul.  That number is very low.  Most careers are not people's passions.  Most people fall into a job because they have bills to pay, need medical, etc.  

I wonder if more and more people haven't spent this time over the past year or so, processing the same thoughts and ideas.  If they were temporarily laid off when the world closed, did they experience a feeling of loss of value and stunned shock?  Of being tossed aside, even though they could understand it on a higher level, what did their heart feel?  I know when I was afraid of being one of the ones let go to save money, I understood, but I felt devalued.  Then when we were not laid off, it was a completely opposite feeling.  I have chatted with a few of my friends that worked through the "pandemic" and it brought about a feeling of disregard.  As if we were disposable and didn't need to be protected from the pandemic. 

Speaking with friends that were laid off, I hear almost remorse that they were called back.  Some found other careers in areas that filled their purpose, that gave them time to have a life.  People started doing things differently and found that they were happier. 

I personally don't think that taking away the stimulus and extra's is going to flood the job market with more employees than they know what to do with.  I think many people have found other ways to take care of themselves and their families.  That they have discovered ways to fully explore the world around them, to engage with others for the same things that they had before, but in a different way. 

I am wondering if employers will ultimately realize that when the world was shut off seemingly overnight, it signaled a bigger change in the world than anyone expected. Maybe it was the start of a global shift in a way that wasn't anticipated. I have my own thoughts and beliefs on the whole scenario and I don't believe that the plan was to shift the world into a kinder and gentler way of living.  I do believe it was meant to fracture us, to keep us separated and estranged from one another.  

Oddly, I feel strongly a very different outcome is happening. Some are still separated by choice, but others are closer.  They are leaning into one another to learn to be more self-sufficient.  I marveled from a distance at the sour dough bread craze that happened at the start of the shutdowns.  I was still working full time, I didn't participate.  I thought is was an odd expression of where folks were, but I enjoyed watching people become more self-sufficient.  Gardens popped up, meals were prepared at home.  People were walking and riding bikes.  Kids were outside playing. Adults were out in their yards chatting to other adults. 

In the process of disconnecting us from everything, we started to reconnect to the root of our humanity.  Our need to be with one another, to help and serve one another.  

Are people just struggling with the call to return to a normal that benefited their companies and employers, with little regard to their need to be humans.  The need to be a productive part of a larger pack? The need and desire to truly be creative and connected?

Wow... I guess I needed to finally get those words out.  They have been simmering in my brain for a while now. It's all part of the process of karmic healing and it's generations old.  There is much healing that needs to happen.  If you are into astrology and listen to anything out there, you know we are in a period of time where much must be completely destroyed - it's too far gone to correct the course and continue forward.  

I think that there are many out there that have been reduced to ashes and now it is the time to rise like a Phoenix out of the ashes and live the lives we have always had the desire to live.  We just weren't willing or brave enough to light our own matches to burn it down.  Yet, as the flames cool and the winds shift, now they are rising!

I am finding so much that I thought I had lost of myself and my passions. I am sure other's are too.  These are miraculous times we are going through. 

So the question remains... should I?

day dreaming...

Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in the here and now that I loose track of time, space and people. That was yesterday.

I got a new treasure on the way home from Branson, a 1956 Singer 99K.  She is in incredible shape.  But boy oh boy was she dirty!  I think I might have cleaned a small animal out of her gears based on the amount of lint I removed.  Next up, I cleaned the machine itself.  Ugghhhh, I'm not sure how long it was sitting on the shelf gathering dust and grime, I was just thankful the rag was blue not white.  I am pretty sure my gross out factor would have been off the chain. 

I still need to oil her, but impatience got the better of me and I had to make a few rows of stitches.  A test drive of sorts. Have to admit I am extremely pleased with my new treasure.  So much so that I cut out a quilt yesterday afternoon.  

I don't need a lot of excuses to do something creative, so I can't really blame it all on my new machine.  I had picked up the pattern and template for a project that Hubs wants to do, at least that was my reasoning.  Honestly, I love the hexagon patterns and I was in love with it.  Although, half way through this quilt, Hubs is going to love it for his project! The youngest grand baby might be stealing this quilt as she fell in love with it lain out on the floor. If she wants it of course she can have it.  

I also realized as I struggled to kneel on the floor, pain is not a great combo with creativity, that it was time to invest in a design wall.  I never bothered thinking they were a) expensive and b) took up too much space. I was wrong on both counts.  I assure you my stupid knees are definitely looking forward to the walls arrival.  

Before I even started playing with my new toy, I decided that I had to finish block number one.  As block number two had arrived on Monday.  And I refused to even open the box, until the first one was finished.  Tempt me not!  Instead of writing yesterday, I wrapped it up.  I am very happy with how it turned out and I admit, it is going to kill me to have to wait a whole year or even a bit more to see it completely done.  I guess it is a dose of my own advice, patience is a virtue.  Like I have patience, geez!

I also found time to play in my tree top garden, good thing I was harvesting as Hubs might not have gotten lunch. Nothing beats the joy of eating food fresh from the garden.  It wasn't a huge harvest, but it was definitely enough to enjoy.  The crispness of fresh radishes and peas on a Buddha bowl is wonderful. 

If it hadn't been for plans with our kiddo's I am fairly positive I would have forgotten to make dinner for the family also.  

As I was planning out that silly little quilt and figuring out ways to bust my stash of fabrics, I probably have the ability to make at least 25 or more quilts just out of what is currently in my sewing room, I had so many random thoughts bouncing through my head.  I would love to teach beginning quilting.  Like I did so long ago at the old Downtown Y.  My sweet sister in law (also a quilter) said with my collection of machines I could start a sewing class.  One thought led to another, and now I am seriously considering it. 

By Tuesday of next week my newest treasure will be here.  Hubs got me a 1950 Featherweight 221.  I am over the moon in anticipation.  I have drooled over it forever, but I am a cheapskate. That is what we were searching for in all those antique stores.  Most folks get one from the year they were born, but sadly they'd stopped making them by the time I was born.  And I thought about getting one from Hubs year.  But I decided to simply find one that was in great shape and go with it. 

I am fairly sure I cannot afford a collection of featherweight machines, but I could afford a couple more 99K's. As nice as it sews, it would be kind of cool to teach a beginning quilting class on those sweet babies.  They are unbelievably simple and such work horses.  I was trying to explain to one of my sisters that is in the market for a new machine that she should consider one, I think she thought I lost my mind.  

I'm not giving up my Pfaff, that machine is an absolute dream to work on.  But so are the others. I just have to remember to not mix up which machine I was working on, as it would completely mess up the quilt. No two machines sew exactly alike. I am wondering which one Hubs will chose for his project?  I am thinking the Pfaff (it's the one I taught him to quilt on).  Who knows he might fall in love with one of my new treasures... 

I am so very excited by all of the possibilities before me.  And I am seriously considering offering to teach again.  I love exposing people to hobbies and crafts.  Home Ec is barely taught anymore, and the skills are falling by the wayside.  Automation has stolen the joy of creating. It isn't about the task. 

You can buy a blanket at any store, even cheaper than you can make it in most cases.  Yet, nothing beats the incredible feeling of resting under a blanket that you have made with your own two hands.  Very few people gift me with handmade treasures, but my favorite quilt to sleep under was made by my great grandma.  It is thread bare now, so I can't enjoy that warm loving feeling.  It rests in my sewing room as inspiration now. Her sewing was what inspired me to start.  I lived to far away and had to learn on my own.   I guess that is why I love helping others start their journey.  

I need a bit less day dreaming, it is going to get me into trouble.  

best life...

Rested.  Oddly that is how I feel.  Mentally rested.  Friday started the peace for me and it only snowballed through to this morning. I'm sitting in my favorite spot, watching the rain gently falling outside my windows, drinking my coffee and reflecting on the past few amazing days! Trying to will my slightly sluggish mind to wrap around sliding back into my "normal" routine. Immediately realizing I haven't established a normal routine yet. 

I went to the Farmington area on Friday.  One of my dear friends had asked me to join her for lunch and a catch up time.  It was amazing.  As someone that often drives past Farmington on the highway as I am traveling to see family or jumping off with Hubs to go to our favorite restaurant, I admit to being woefully uneducated about the richness of the area.  Truthfully, it always felt like it was simply a stopping point along the drive.  From the highway it never really called to me to explore it at a deeper level.  It was a conversation spot for Hubs and I, he was once married to a young lady from Fredericktown and I always get the two mixed up.  

The area is only an hour from home, yet we have never fully explored the entire region. My girlfriend shared with me the amazing things she is doing in her home region.  And I was lucky enough to pull up just as they were delivering the first part of an incredible project to help the unhomed survive in this crazy day to day world that they are often trapped in. 

For years she has told me about all of the great things that surround her home, why the travel to and from the city was okay for so long, why they were going to stay in their sweet little paradise. I hated driving 30 minutes to work, so the thought of at least an hour each direction was not something I could wrap my head around.  

I get it now.  

As she took me along back roads to the Amish store, I was regretting the incredibly warm temperatures and no safe way to transport the beautiful vegetables that surrounded me.  I'd never been to a true Amish store - Hubs and I will definitely be going there! I was lost in the ambiance, the feeling, windows wide open to allow a breeze to flow through to combat the temperatures of the day.  The horse and buggies just out the back window.  The miles of farms all being worked in the simple, plain way.  Listening as they spoke amongst themselves, so easy to remember being back in Europe.  To watch the young men traveling the road between the farms and store in their buggies.  I felt such apprehension for them on that narrow road with all of the cars rushing past.  She'd shared with me that there had been a horrible accident not too far in the past involving a vehicle and a buggy, you can imagine that it did not turn out very well. 

Along more back roads we found our way to a delightful little cafe.  In what felt like the middle of nowhere, but was actually in Fredericktown.  I have lived in the hustle and bustle of chaos far too long.  It reminded me of the quiet little towns that Hubs and I would find and enjoy in our travels. I could have lingered there for hours. My friend is very talented, not only in her kind heart and people caring ways, but in her skills at design and I was very much enjoying hearing about the things that she was doing with web-page design during her "free" time.  Yep, like that is a thing. 

A short while later we had found ourselves back in Farmington for the Community Festival. We'd driven past a blueberry farm - again Hubs and I will be exploring this - it was acres and acres of blueberry bushes.  Pick your own.  I can't wait!  I did that a lot in Washington with the kids, at the small little blueberry patch in our old town.  I miss it! 

She pointed the direction to travel to find wineries, oh that is also on the future agenda. And we wandered the streets of downtown.  She introduced me to an incredible little store that resulted in the acquisition of another singing bowl. This one small and mellow in its beautiful notes.  Her's is green, mine is black.  The tones are different, we each resonated with a different one. I will always remember my wonderful day exploring a new part of the state I now call home with my friend to guide me and introduce me to the beauty that surrounds her daily. 

It was the start of an incredible weekend.  Filled with beauty, love, chaos, rain, laughter, pain and the overall joy that comes from being with your soul mate!

A few weeks back Hubs saw a commercial for the play Jesus in Branson. He'd wanted to go and see Noah when it was playing, but work got in the way and we weren't able to carve out the time.  Once time became more fluid, I immediately looked into it.  I was concerned it would be stupid expensive, most live plays are not easy on the budget.  So I was pleasantly surprised at the cost and the ability to get great seats.  Play tickets were booked and a plan was set in place. 

We hadn't been to Branson since the Christmas of 2003.  Simply didn't seem to rate the time again. It was a bumpy experience during a seriously volatile time in our life (so much was changing and so much was happening all at once).  I can honestly say I have nothing against Branson.  It's tucked into a beautiful part of Missouri.  It has something to offer most everyone, I guess.  But for me it was far too commercial and even more far to congested. I was happiest once we were able to be far outside the chaos.  Because I am sure that is a surprise to everyone. 

I am fairly certain that we will spend more time in the Ozarks.  Not in Branson proper, but in the surrounding areas, exploring and experiencing not only the beauty, but the treasures and people you find there. 

If you haven't been to see Jesus I can highly recommend it!  It isn't only for Christians.  The story was beautifully brought to life.  I have never experienced live animals in a play and how they pulled off some of those scenes was an engineering miracle in itself. 

We also went to see Legends.  It was okay, but I think we were both getting tired and we were definitely getting fussy by that point.  Elvis and the Blues Brothers were incredible.  I am not too familiar with Freddy Mercury as a whole (just the big hits) but the young man impersonating him was extremely talented.  The Lady Gaga impersonator was definitely fantastic judging by the reaction of the people in the theater, as neither Hubs or I are huge fans of Lady Gaga, it was extremely painful for us. 

Hubs had not had a good day.  If it could cause him grief, it did.  He had his own personal gremlins after him all day! He was fussy and a bit barky all day.  He seemed to have a dark cloud over his head.  The icing on the cake was the traffic of the "strip" and hitting a curb with the running board.  That definitely made for a highly stressful evening and a grumpier Hubs.  I don't blame him.  I just hope it is an easy repair.  His truck is his baby, his pride and joy.  Watching him struggle to deal with the situation without tools (we'll be taking a small tool kit with us from now on) in the drizzling rain with a wounded finger was awful!

In another time I would have eagerly gotten on my knees and helped, unfortunately my knees were definitely not willing to help do anything. It hurt my heart to know there wasn't much I could do physically and to watch the hurt in his eyes make the frustration he was feeling even worse. 

After a bit of trying to figure out how to reattach it, we simply gave up and he removed it completely.  You would have thought the image of his short, chubby, non-flexible wife trying to climb up in that big truck without running boards would have had him cracking up.  I promise the irony was not lost on me, and I was quite humored at the spectacle I must be making.  

I'd hoped that enjoying the Legends show would have calmed things, that the gremlin would have moved on and simply let him be, but that wasn't the case and on top of it all he'd pinched another finger on the wounded hand in the door lock at the hotel causing pain and so much blood.  Then he almost broke his glasses. That poor sweet man had suffered enough for one day.  I had felt the gloominess of the day before we left, I had almost called it off.  By the time we'd lain our heads down, I was wondering if I should have. 

Thankfully Sunday dawned with our gremlin friend having moved on to some other poor soul and we made the decision to completely change our plans and after a very early breakfast and a few hours wandering historic downtown and a few antique shops, sometimes in the rain we did what we do best and took some roads less traveled. We'd enjoyed the view of the river while drinking our coffee watching the mist rise from the water and the ducks and geese living life in the shallow waters at the edge.  We managed to find a beautiful conservation area to watch the sun rise and roads that allowed us to avoid the chaos of the city. Yep, all of that definitely set the stage for a different kind of day.

We wandered back home via the long way.  It was well after 9:30 pm when we arrived home.  Weary, but laughing.  We'd enjoyed our "three hour tour" home.  It only took us about 13 hours and we found so many wonderful places.  I am usually not fond of antique shops, as most are too moldy and mildew filled for me.  I guess finding a vintage Singer 99K (of course we brought it home) at the first one, lead me to be willing to risk it and go treasure hunting with Hubs for the rest of the day.  

Might be why my eyes are burning today, but the hunt was incredibly fun.  We found some fantastic shops and some not so fantastic shops.  We stopped and explored things that caught our interest - often at the last moment. We really wanted to visit Smallin Civil War Cave, but were afraid my stupid knees would revolt. At the absolute last minute Hubs decided to get off and head into Springfield.  We were going to the largest Bass Pro.  Holy Moses.  I don't even know how many hours we wandered through there.  I admit the alligators were a bit of a shock. That place is HUGE!

We had played so much we almost didn't have a chance to go back to Uranus.  We'd stopped on Saturday and wanted to return on Sunday. Luckily they stay open later and we were able to enjoy all things in Uranus, including the jokes that would make a young boy proud. We took in the sideshow - not my thing at all - but definitely true to it's origins.

The storms we'd driven in most of the day decided to subside in time for a spectacular sunset display that seemed to last for hours.  Vibrant, deep reds and pinks filled the bright blue of the sky that had finally made it's appearance. 

It's incredible to spend the weekend just living life.  Not stressed wondering if you can still get everything done. To simply live your best life. 

decisions, decisions...

I had to chuckle when I drew my card this morning.  It was walking away and starting fresh.  Yep, that is me!  I am definitely in that weird phase of ending one part of my life and starting fresh with another phase. And it feels, well... strange, exciting, scary, exhilarating, confusing and clear all at once.  

I have always been blessed with a strong ability to walk away, probably my military upbringing.  When you grow up always changing direction it becomes second nature. Indecisiveness does too. 

That is where I am right now.  Not indecisive about my next steps or what I want to accomplish.  I am pretty darn firm and set on that front.  In fact, the more time I have to devote to it, the more passionate I am becoming. I am pushing myself to be friendly in unknown situations and I am meeting incredible people that I otherwise would not have even spoken to. 

Honestly, without the "face" that I always had to don to be part of the professional world, I do not put myself out there.  I am super happy to move along the fringes of life, observe and do my own thing.  I have very little need to engage in the act of speaking to strangers or even attempting to make friends.  The silence of my own space is a fantastic spot for me!  

Which is ironic, considering once I decide to make friends for the most part they become permanent and irreplaceable parts of my life. 

A few weeks ago, I was convinced that I had finally found the long arm that I really wanted.  The one that met all my needs.  I chose to be patient, that is a lot of money to invest, and I truly want something that will make quilting a joy, not a struggle. I've been researching the various brands, learning the pros/cons from others that have invested already. Yesterday, I decided to go on a mini-road trip.  I've been all over the metro area and slightly beyond checking out different brands.  Touching them, feeling them in my hands, playing with them.  I am not done with my research.  Although I do believe that I have decided against my original choice, I think...  

See what I mean?  I think I might sign up for a certification that one of the shops offers, it's reasonably priced and will give me the ability to "rent" various machines at their shop for a minimal price and actually see which one I am the most comfortable with. It doesn't include the first one I looked at, nor the last one yesterday.  But I have a feeling those two really are basically the same, just more expensive. Besides the more research I do, the more convinced I am that I am going to go with one of those four machines I looked at yesterday out west.  

I'm thankful that I took the time to wait, to research and to process. I am feeling much calmer with the leap into this next step, because I didn't rush. I took a deep breath and waited.  I'm not always patient when I am ready to start something.  I am sometimes a leap before I look kind of person.  

Today will be more of a play date.  I don't think any research is going to happen, unless I find a shop to stop at on my way south.  I am fairly certain that this morning will find me sitting quietly in my corner seat and finishing up as much of my first block as I can, I've got to run out and get a thread color - considering I have literally hundreds of skeins of embroidery thread the fact that I am missing one of the three I need is annoying. I am still waiting on the threads that I couldn't find locally, such a bummer, so I will probably not get it completed before block number two arrives.  Yet the lesson learned will be that I need to look at all the colors I need the day the box arrives so that I can complete them in a timely manner. 

This afternoon will find me down south in Farmington and surrounding areas.  I'm meeting a former co-worker turned amazing friend.  She is going to share with me her little community, the amazing homeless shelter creation that she is a key part of and we are even going to find time to walk through a the community festival.  Somewhere in the midst of that we will stop and have a lunch and catch up!  I am really looking forward to this day.  I am excited to enjoy a dear friend in a new environment and learn all about her current adventures. 

I know I have said it a few dozen times, but I am so very thankful for the time and energy to enjoy this crazy life.  I have missed so very much! This weekend will involve a trip to Branson, it's a quick one, just staying overnight.  We are going to watch a play that Hubs is looking forward to seeing and then we are going to wander the town.  Who knows what we will discover as we explore and enjoy simply being. 

unique and wonderful...

Off to a very slow start this morning.  We had an impromptu dinner with friends last night at our house.  I am not usually up being friendly at 10:30 pm, so this morning I am feeling the effects of too little sleep and a new brand of margaritas. 

I also do not usually host dinners.  Never really had the time before, it used to fill me with immense anxiety and stress.  Yesterday, it filled my heart with joy when Hubs asked if I minded his inviting friends over for dinner and without a moments hesitation I could say of course.  It wasn't a fancy dinner plain old chili mac and peach cobbler.  Yet it was an incredible feeling to gather around a dinner table and simply talk. 

I am starting to feel that it is the fact that we are all simply too busy to just talk that is causing so much of the discord and fracturing that we see in society today. In my previous reality we worked to force "living room conversations".  It always bothered me a bit.  Not because I am afraid of controversial conversations or even being the only one in the room with a differing point of view.  I mean, if you ever have a true conversation with me you will find out that I explore tons of different ideas, I dig to find meaning and answers.  I cherish the time to truly understand someone. And lets be real, I start each day with energy work and reading my cards.  I definitely do not fit in many folks ideal of the norm. 

What bothered me about them was the "forced" factor.  It was an intentional gathering of people to have conversations. As if in your living room with a group of friends the way it used to be. 

There were moments last night that I felt a bit anxious, thank you society, moments when Hubs' passionate feelings slammed right up against one of our guests equally passionate feelings.  And yet, as we poured more margaritas and continued to talk, I felt that both came away with a slight understanding, if not respect for the other's point of view.  It was intense for a bit. 

Yet sitting there glass in hand and observing I was far more engrossed in the strong feeling that it was exactly what needs to happen on a global scale. There were four very strong and different perspectives sitting around our table.  Yet we were talking, agreeing to disagree, sometimes finding common ground, laughing and having a great time.  

No one walked away feeling beaten up or even unheard.  We shared a simple, yet nurturing meal, both for our tummies and our minds.  

It tickled my brain a bit, I remembered way back to the past, when my ex would often invite strangers to our home.  My dad used to do it too. I remember vaguely being angry and stressed because at the last minute I would need to scramble to put together a meal, worried it was not going to be good enough.  I remembered having those kinds of conversations around the dinner tables. Heck, even Hubs and I used to have a standing Friday night dinner at the neighbors place so long ago.  

Simplicity.  Come as you are, shoes and/or make up optional.  Dinner, imperfectly perfect.

How many are still gathering around the table at night?  Or having a Sunday dinner where everyone is gathering at Gramma's or Mom's and eating a home cooked meal and sharing their thoughts and ideas in a safe space.  Knowing that there could be some arguments or disagreements.  That someone would say something that would cause hurt feelings, but also knowing that at the end of the day they were still safe and loved? How many of us have felt like we were the black sheep one moment only to be wrapped in unwavering love the next?

This week has been filled with these moments and I was almost too wrapped in the minutia of my own thoughts that I almost missed it. 

The past weekend was spent blending our family.  Creating our clan in a stronger more dynamic way.  My sweet girl is a convener.  I don't even know that she realizes it, that her role in this lifetime is to bring people together.  Her part of our clan is filled with joy, compassion, drama, differences and most importantly love! She pulls people together.  She acquires children and adults that are lost or drifting and gives them space to find their wings.  Some fly off, never to be seen or heard from again, others attach themselves to the family unit and never drift far from the proverbial nest.  

As we all came together, floating from one spot to the next, I fell deeper in love with our clan.  I didn't realize it at the moment (some of that was from trying to keep my teeth from chattering) but I was thriving in the diversity that makes us whole and unique.  

Each of us was fighting battles within ourselves, we were all in different spaces in our journey's.  But sitting around various campfires, talking about a million different things, no one condemning anyone for any actions, beliefs or thoughts. Simply surrounded in acceptance and love.  

If I had a magic wand, the ability to grant the world anything at all, it would be the ability to slow down, to reconnect, to talk, to listen, to spread unconditional love. The ability to realize that we are all connected, the bloodlines aren't as diverse as some would have us believe.  And that we are all connected by heart. 

It's crazy the things that a simple dinner with friends can make you stop and think about.  I am sad for all of the opportunities that I missed running as fast as I could in a rat race that I shouldn't have been part of. 

I am thankful for life bringing Hub's oldest daughter and her wonderful family into our daily lives.  I am thankful for time with family and friends. I am thankful for the bubble I was in bursting wide open to expose me to the joy of this life I now have.  I am thankful that my heart is opening to a greater experience and to not only feeling accepted, but to accepting all. 

For too long I was in a bubble of fear.  I think too many of us are currently there.  

Each of us is a beautiful, pristine, perfectly made piece of the puzzle of life.  Each of our thoughts, feelings, ideas are meant to fit together to create a greater awareness.  Right now, it feels like we are too wrapped up in things we are being pushed to think and feel.  When we meet each other are we reacting to the outer package and constructs that we are being fed?  Or looking into their eyes and smile and finding people full of the same thoughts and feelings as our own.  

Are others as fearful of not being welcomed and accepted as we are? 

I think so.  We are all here to learn to love and give love unconditionally in my opinion.  To learn to listen and explore. 

I am excited for more of these opportunities. I am eager to experience the growth that comes from connecting on a deeper level.  Having tough conversations and coming out on the other side a stronger human with a broader perspective on life and living. 

Each of us is a million things, we are all small particles of our journeys, joys and trials.  Each of us has the ability to help the other heal, to hear and be heard.  There is no ideal.  And none of us are getting out of this classroom in these human forms.  At least that is what I believe. 

Hard to believe all these thoughts flowed out of a dinner of chili mac.... 

daily living...

Well, today is sure a mixed bag of tricks!  

I am feeling super accomplished, having finished my almost completely hand pieced and quilted little wall quilt.  I love it!  I am so happy with how it turned out!  I am fairly positive that I am going to add some tiny straps at the top and find a beautiful stick to hang it from.  I have another one like that and love it! I can think on that for a moment, because despite what the thermometer says it is actually only June. 

The flip side, is that as I am getting ready to make my block for May, it occurred to me... well it's already June.  In all fairness it didn't arrive until around the 8th, so I guess that gives me a bit of time to be "on time", but geeze I don't want to start the block of the month behind.  That will definitely not bode well for me.  

Next thing on today's agenda, getting started!  

I'd planned to work in the treetop garden and front beds this morning.  I noticed some weeds in both areas and I really need to get the basil pots prepared and planted. I also need to figure out how to discourage that silly squirrel.  We took down the bird feeder that they could reach, but every time I peek out there I see a bit of gray-brown fur racing around. I don't wish to harm them, but I am tired of the damage they are doing.  Yesterday, as I went to refill my coffee, I could not believe my eyes.  Evidently one of the crafty little buggers had ended up inside the screened area.  He was mellow as can be until he saw me in the window. 

He lost his ever loving mind!  His partner in crime left him to his fate fairly quickly, as the poor fellow got so flustered he couldn't remember where he had entered from.  Watching him fly around was stressing me out, I was wondering how many times he would miss the opening before chewing his way out.  I was in the process of trying to decide the wisdom and safety involved with going out there and unzipping it as the little guy went berserk on the deck when he discovered an alternate exit that didn't involve damage to my gazebo, him or me.  A complete win for all of us involved.  Bonus, I had an old song that makes my heart happy trapped in my head the rest of the day.  

For those of us old enough to remember - "The day the squirrel went berserk" - Ray Stevens.  Ahhh the memories.  Sitting on the floor in my mostly empty townhouse apartment in Charleston, surrounded by the most random fabrics in the world (it was all I could afford at the time) with my oldest, dearest sister by heart  cutting out squares and rectangles to make quilts for Christmas presents before I moved to Germany back in the mid-eighties.  Our sound track always involved Ray Stevens. It was a fantastic diversion on a cold and dreary day. 

I miss my sister by heart.  We chat occasionally on the phone or in messages, but this August will be six years since we last spent time together in person.  We definitely need to plan a time to get together.  I will probably go there, I have less holding me in one spot.  Besides, she came to me last time. I don't know if she quilts anymore, but I do know she makes some fantastic metal work if anyone is ever interested!

Today won't involve working in either garden, my knees do not like the damp cold.  And I am not fond of gardening in the rain.  I am watching my Japanese maple closely, when the helicopters fly I want to see if I can start a couple of trees from seed.  Mom would love one, but they are crazy expensive and she simply isn't about spending the money.  Besides... I simply want to know if I can do it! 

I don't believe today is going to involve any outside time.  It's raining pretty steady. Perfect day to run out and get some fresh veggies and make a pot of veggie stew with some fresh baked bread.  Although I believe I am also making a pot of chili and some vegan tamales for Hubs and his buddy for dinner.  He has brought up the tamales about 20 times in the past month.  I am guessing he is hungry for them. 

I am cherishing this space I am in.  I know I need some structure, I am well aware of that.  But this free flowing space of time is so calming.  I am so blessed to be where I am right now.  I feel like my stress is almost gone, I am not anxious, and I am sleeping soundly. 

I feel like I am healing from a lifetime of self-induced trauma.  I have always tried to fit myself into someone else's box of what success looks like.  From rushing around trying to make sure my family was cared for and had everything they needed.  

Yesterday, I accomplished far more than I realized.  Laundry, ironing, two meals prepared, vacuuming, heck I even remembered to fill out my ejuror form (not that I am excited about it, but I sure did it).  All of that around a day of creating, chatting with friends and terrorizing squirrels.  I feel like I am able to do so much more with my life in a way that brings me pure joy. 

I read a little quote this morning that every so often pops up... You only live once... wrong, you only die once you live every day!  It is definitely a choice.  And one that I wasn't doing a great job at making.  I feel like I have finally learned a great lesson in life. 

My dear friends, tomorrow isn't promised to any of us, so get out there and live your absolute best life, every day!

June...

May's last sunset.

A full month has gently drifted by.  It was filled with myriad feelings and thoughts.  As the month wound down I discovered that even going into a Mercury retrograde, that the majority of feelings were relief, calm and joy. Things that I had been depriving myself of for far too long. I do miss some my friends that I was used to seeing daily.  That daily connection was incredible. 

As I move into this new month, I am joyful, calm, relaxed and full of hope and optimism.   I woke up at 4:45, although I allowed myself to linger in that zone of not really sleep not really awake, processing through thoughts, feelings, plans, my to do list and what felt like a million other things until a voice very forcefully in my head yelled GET UP! I jumped out of bed, it was the strangest feeling.  I told myself before laying down last night, that I needed to be up by 5:30 am to give Hubs his haircut.  Seems my inner voice was a bit impatient with my laziness this morning. 

I am setting my intention for June to be the month I get it together.  I will load quilts on the long arm, I will develop my routine, and start taking those full steps forward!  I spent May sorting through the past, it had to be done.  Not all of it is finished, but enough that I feel accomplished. I did the clearing I needed - both mentally and physically.  June is the month of ground work and starting.  During this moment in time, it is good to simply learn and plan.  Explore the different ideas and thoughts and start to lay the ground work.  I need to be ready and able to initiate my plans by the end of the month. 

Strange thoughts, but I do believe in the power of this retrograde and I will not put anything important into play until it is over.  I read a very interesting article last night and it said for the next 23 or so days to put "re" in front of any action steps and spend the time doing things like review, rethink, recreate... you get the idea.  That resonated so strongly for me.  I feel I am in a phase of learning self-love and compassion.  Considering for the 3rd time in a row I have drawn the card connected to that. 

When you ask for guidance and that is what you get consistently, it is time to listen!

This is the month to do my research, gather my data, make my concrete plans and be ready to start.  It's also time to work on that darn routine.  I will be far more successful as a human when I have a routine, I need the structure or I go off into a strange spiral where nothing gets accomplished.  I guess it has a great deal to do with the fact that I have worked for others for over 40 years of my life.  

I know my inner voice is anxious for structure, because for the past few days I have found myself thinking "Monday's should be laundry and linens... Tuesdays..." etc... for home based chores.  And at other times, planning mentally when my optimal times are for working on various projects. My inner guidance is ready I do believe. 

Either that or it is simply reminding me that left unsupervised, i.e. using a list, I will spend all of my time lost in my sewing and crafting rooms.  Sweet Hubs will starve and run around without clean clothes. I know this is a fact as I currently have 4 or 5 projects in some stage of progress.  Planned, cut out, waiting for attention, almost complete or simply a day dream in my head that I am working through.  I need to stop browsing quilt patterns... they are a bit addictive. 

I am bouncing around a bit this morning, so it is time to focus in and get things done!  I can't play until the chores are done, and my fingers are aching to play!