I was having a quiet celebration of the weight I had lost since that appointment. I think deep down I knew that what I was doing was not healthy for me. I mean after all, if it had been wouldn't I have been feeling so much better than I felt? Yet, I've never had a doctor look me in the eye and tell me why it wasn't good. And give me a list of books and readings to follow to learn on my own. To actually give me the facts behind their suggestion for my health.
My primary care doc simply said lose weight. No guidance, no information, no direction to follow. In fact when I returned to see him shortly before my surgery for clearance he didn't even celebrate with me that I was going into surgery over twenty pounds lighter than when scheduled, just six weeks previously. His response was "oh... yeah he (the knee doc) recommends that way of eating, I'm not sure I agree..." really? Following my primary care doc had only increased my weight, my pain, my discomfort.... but hey whatever.
I cherish the wisdom of my knee doc. He is very nontraditional in his approach to most everything. His style, his approach, his wisdom and knowledge. I have immense faith in him as a healer. In fact he is one of the few doctors that I have encountered that I would not say is practicing medicine, he is healing people.
I no longer eat any grains and I stay away from any sugars. I had to give up veganism, it was destroying my bones and hurting my health. It was a hard step. I had deeply immersed myself to following that path and struggled with walking away.
If I had only known the difference it would make to me as a human. I feel so much better now than I did before. When I was able to read the research behind what he was asking of me, to truly understand that there was a fully researched and documented reason behind it all, it made a huge difference in my understanding on a deep level.
The comment was from a person that had traveled the journey he was asking me to travel, who wished he had known many things earlier in life.
I've been pondering that statement since Tuesday. It keeps rattling around in my head. Bouncing back and forth at random times of the day. It wasn't said strictly in terms of weight loss or even basic health. Maybe a bit more mournfully, from a man deep in his 70's with a passion for life, a passion for doing the right thing and for fully understanding that everything is not as it appears. He and I align on many things, I feel I could learn a lifetime of knowledge from a deep conversation with him.
I am still not sleeping great, at least not for long periods of time, it is strictly that my muscles start to ache when not moving for long. And once I am awake my brain is kicking into serious overdrive. So much is rattling around in there that it takes an hour or more to silence the noise.
Last night, I got hung up on the things I wish I had known sooner.
As I lay there in the darkness, with only the soft whir of the fans, my mind insisted that we revisit so many things. Things I wished I had known and realized sooner. I am not a big fan of living with regrets or living in the past for that matter. Frankly, I often struggle to even remember the past, and I am very much okay with it I believe.
Yet, I did start to reflect. Almost 19 years ago, my sweet Hubs tried to instill in me that I was very capable of starting my own business and being successful at it. I still remember one dark star filled night when we stood in the driveway of our old home, in our pajamas in the middle of the night. I guess sleepless nights have long been a thing for both of us. It was a beautiful night, the stars were really showing off, it was silent and peaceful. He was trying his darnedest to help me see the future that could be laying right in front of us. He used his words and hands to try to help me visualize the garage he wanted to build there in that space, one that would never hold cars, but would hold the longarm to allow me to follow my passions. A space that could hold my quilting, needlework and a plethora of hobbies that brought me so much creative joy. Where I could create for others, bringing in an income, but still be connected to home and hearth. And also have time to create simply for my soul.
His vision was beautiful. My ability to see and understand it was lacking. I'd been programmed to believe that the only way to be able to take care of my family was to get a traditional job. To punch a clock and bring home a paycheck. So I closed my eyes to that beautiful vision. To the possibilities, because I didn't know, what I didn't know. Because I was fearful of stepping out in faith.
I don't regret the journey that has brought me full circle to where we were standing outside in the cool night air. I don't regret it at all. I have learned much, I have met wonderful people (and not so wonderful people) each piece has been a needed part of my "knowing".
This year has been one of growth. I'm not done growing, nor am I finished learning. Although I feel like I am in a much better space for it than ever before. Will I admit that there are times the old mindset tries to sneak in and flip a switch on me. Oh definitely! There are many times when fear starts to sink in, to get it's ugly teeth deep in my heart and soul. To try to convince me that I am not a strong enough person to follow my own dreams, that I need someone else to set the perimeters of my life, to paint the path I need to follow.
Oh the things I wish I knew sooner!
This year has been scary, exciting and nerve-wreaking. I never dreamed that as we are heading into the final months of the year, so much of what has happened has. If I had known, I think I would have been anxious, terrified, and probably fighting every step of the way. Instead... I am joyous, calm, excited and wrapped up in confidence. The phrase you don't need to see the next step to start the journey, finally has powerful meaning to me. I am flying blind, but I don't have the fear that life used to fill me with.
In a few moments I will make a call that will start another HUGE forward step in my life. It won't happen instantaneously, it will take a bit of time. Yet it's a snowball that I am getting ready to roll down an incredibly steep hill. It's the next step in my "professional" journey - although I am loathe to put that title on it. It is much more accurately the next step in a journey that should have started 19 or so years ago, when I let fear detour it.
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| first true walk... |
My healing from surgery has also taught me much. Yesterday afternoon I asked my sweet Hubs to take me walking, not just the slow shuffle around the house, but a true walk. I did concede that he was a bit wiser than my bravado and walked a route far closer to the truck in the event that I couldn't make it all the way. I was super slow, I remembered whipping around that park and logging 3 miles while Hubs walked our boys. It was a bittersweet memory for a moment. Until I realized that for the first time, I wasn't in extreme pain as I walked. My speed and distance will improve.
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| finally able to wear "real" walking shoes |
I have many things I am learning. And each one brings me far greater peace than I ever felt possible.
I'm not finished thinking of that statement, "things I wish I knew sooner", but instead of looking at them from a wistful sense of loss, I am looking at them as a sense of opportunity. The first steps in a new kind of journey. One that is truly about the path that I want to take. My health, my heart, my passions. And from a new place of joy and understanding.
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