He was up checking on his new phone several times last night and since I didn't see it or him this morning, I am assuming it finally finished transferring and his need to things like that to be completely ordered took over. He was probably up for half the night fidgeting with it. I know around 2 am I was aware of sound coming from the guest room. He needs his rest, so I am trying to be super quiet and not really go through the house looking for him. He will show up when he's well rested.
Yesterday was such a wonderful day. My girl had free time, no kids and no commitments and showed up to spend the afternoon with me. It was so wonderful. I miss those days. Just as I was starting to slink into that spot of loneliness and frustration the door opened and in she came with coffee! Chatting and running around for a bit we ended up enjoying a nice evening of pedicures. It was wonderful. I miss my babies, I miss them needing me to be a daily part of their world. I know they have lives, I know I raised them to be strong and independent, but I miss them. So it is a gift that I am extremely grateful for! She could have taken that time and rested, Lord knows she could use it, so I am even more thankful for those precious hours.
I am well aware today is the twentieth anniversary of 9/11. I am wholly aware of where I was and the conversations swirling around me. I remember the feeling of sheer disbelief, my sweet boy being angry because it preempted his cartoons, he was only 9 (when that was a truly young age). Our day was just wrapping up, we lived across an ocean. I remember my ex sitting up in his recliner and walking to the bedroom to get dressed in his uniform, saying well my vacation just cancelled. I remember wondering if my girl was still across the street at her friends house. I remember chatting with my mom on AOL messenger as I stared silently at the screen watching that second plane. I remember the silence. We lived on an airbase, that connected to a major international airport. I remember the fear, the loss, the emptiness. I remember holding my babies just a bit tighter, wondering what the future held.
It's been twenty years. Unfortunately many of those thoughts still bubble up. A deep questioning has filled my heart in those twenty years. Maybe it's because I'm older and not as distracted by the immediate feelings of horror, shock and disbelief. I look at it all through a very different lens. The questions that echo'd in my head back then, scream loudly now. Too many things don't add up. Too many thoughts lead to darker and more ominous thoughts.
I still mourn those lives stolen. Although, now I question who really stole them. Twenty years and one day ago we still had freedoms and rights. Now... I question how many rights we have left. I guess for me it marks a different kind of loss. And I am not really doing well with it.
Many don't remember the life we used to have. Many never question how everything was blown to bits, yet miraculously the "passports" of the terrorists survived in nice little zip lock bags. So many things make less sense now through the lens of time than they did in the haze of the dust.
So much senseless loss. Family that never came home, lives utterly torn apart. I still question for what. Although now, I am more likely to question the who and why. It is far less clear now that the dust and ashes have settled. Particularly in the light of where we are now.
There was a moment in time when we were all one. We were American's. Our country was attacked, or so it would seem. I lived an ocean away, but on the other side of that ocean, our German friends were wrapping their arms around us in a soft unspoken solidarity. I know I have mentioned before that the picture burned into my brain of that time was one my ex took. A single rose wrapped in cellophane was shoved into our locked gates in the rain. He'd taken it in black and white. It seemed to completely define where hearts where at that moment in time.
Fast forward to now and so many divisive lines have been drawn. It seems like every year more and more has been thrown out there to separate the very hearts that were drawn tightly together in solidarity that horrible morning.
I question so much. I no longer trust. I long for others to start questioning, to wonder, to look at things that have been hidden but are now showing up. I feel that there have been many lies, all connected to that moment in time, and I feel they are a spider web that was woven to harm as many as possible for a reason that will cut like a knife when revealed.
As a result of that day so many young men and women stepped forward to defend the country they love, so many are gone as a result or living the rest of their lives with physical, mental and emotional scars that will forever challenge them. They didn't hesitate. They proudly called themselves American's and stepped into the void. Patriots each and every one.
Yet here we are on this somber anniversary and our own government has basically handed our embassy and bases back to the very people they accused of causing this great wound. We have American citizens, some just children trapped there and no effort on our governments part to bring them home.
I feel a deep depression for our country. The past twenty years has only brought forth more questions, less freedom, and more hurting and division. Was that the plan?
This was never going to be a positive upbeat posting. I struggled with myself as to if I should have even written it, I can't wrap my head or my heart around the senseless insanity of it all. And I often ponder where it will ultimately lead to. The people that enacted 9/11 on us all, didn't care about the sanctity of human life. They didn't care about the cost.
Are we any safer today? Or have we traded our freedom and lives for a bit of false security? I don't feel any safer. In fact I live with greater fear today, but it is fear of a different sort.
Today, I will rest my eyes for a moment as I offer prayers for those sacrificed today and in the years since to a quest that I cannot process or understand. I will offer hope that their lives have not been in vain and that we once again become the power, undivided people that we were on 9/12. And that we also become the free and hopeful people that we were on 9/10.
Today is a day to reflect, remember and to reclaim who we were.
Well my sweet Hubs has awakened and we are heading to the treetop garden to watch the sunrise.
Pray for one another and lift each other up for the greatest good.
Good one! 381!
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