faster...

Do you deliberately do things that are super hard for you?  I mean, crazy hard? I love trying new and different things, I love stretching my skill set, but to say I deliberately do things that are physically hard... that would be a firm no. I've spent most of my adult life trying to avoid additional pain, working within boundaries that would not subject me to any further discomfort. 

Those boundaries were always far too fluid to push my luck, one wrong decision could end up with me longing for my bed for a week or more. The exhaustion button was far too easy to push for far too long.  

And yet during this healing process I have found myself deliberately pushing myself.  I am simply not that person.  So I am struggling to really get to know the person that I am becoming.  I like her, but I don't often understand or relate to her.  I am so proud of this person, I am comfortable in who I am becoming because of this journey. And each time I feel like not pushing forward, that small inner voice, that is rapidly becoming a booming megaphone says... nope... do more. 

I had planned on buying a recumbent bike to aid in my recovery.  And also so that Hubs could comfortably exercise without straining his lower back and hip.  I believe I mentioned that I couldn't wait for clearance from Doc to start using one.  I was unbelievably excited when I was told to proceed.  What he failed to tell me, was that I was not going to hop on one and start pedaling.  It wasn't for lack of desire or even knowledge of how to use one, it was a complete inability to move my leg for the full motion required to operate one. 

I slid into a bit of a funk.  I want to heal, I want to be strong, I want to tackle all of my personal mountains.  Oh yeah, this is where that lesson about patience sneaks back into the picture.  I can just imagine my spirit guides and guardian angel sitting just outside of my view laughing at me.  Gently shaking their heads and wondering if I will ever learn. 

I am not that obtuse.  I can be taught a lesson.  So instead of feeling like I could scale the highest mountains and conquer any obstacle, I reevaluated where I was and what baby steps I needed.  Slowly Hubs and I have walked practically daily.  The light poles as my guide.  Want your ego to get knocked down?  Set your fitness tracker and then start that .85 mile walk. When it registers 45 minutes... pow!  Right between the eyes. The old me focused on those two numbers right there, distance and time.  Those things determined success or failure. 

The me I am becoming, cherishes the journey.  The process.  Did I manage to lift my heel and walk in a complete "rotation"?  How normal does my gait feel and look? Did I manage to stand and have a conversation without reaching out to Hubs for support? How much difficulty did those tiny hills give me? Was I winded? 

Today, I felt like superwoman!  I did something really hard and I succeeded. 

I found out that I could use an elliptical/upright bike with minimal difficulty.  It allowed me to push my boundaries, to test the envelope.  So... "I did a thing" as my sweet daughter says and I bought one.  It arrived yesterday - typical some assembly required - so Hubs and I decided to assemble it in the morning when we were both wide awake and fresh. Some assembly jobs will test even the strongest relationships and we didn't know what we were walking into. 

Surprisingly the assembly was fairly uncomplicated and went smoothly.  At no point were cross words exchanged and the extent of injuries was my scraped toe.  My apprehension was through the roof.  What if when I'd tested them I was feeling extremely rested, what if I was having a really good day, what if, what if... yet even with that apprehension and those negative thoughts I gingerly climbed on, my bare feet on the rough steps.  We needed to set the seat where I could bend my knee enough to move the steps in a full rotation. 

The first few minutes felt like torture, not so much to my knee, but to my poor feet.  Shoes donned it was time to seriously try it. The rotations were far from smooth, my knee balked at the bending motion (whole reason I wanted it), but it made it.  

Like I said, I've become more reasonable, I set my goal at ten full minutes.  At about five minutes I was cursing myself, but moved forward - crazy slow, I was determined. At around the six and a half mark, I realized that it was uncomfortable, clunky and awkward... but it was getting easier.  My leg was bending in a normal manner. My arms were screaming, but my knee was bending and moving in a normal manner, it was working. 

I hit the ten minute mark to find my knee was actually enjoying it.  It was getting smoother, not faster, but definitely smoother. And I'd only had to sit and keep pedaling twice for less than thirty seconds each. 

I might have been able to go longer, I seriously considered it.  I quickly discarded that idea.  I wanted to be able to try again in the morning and not push myself to the extreme. I didn't want to be too tired to move or attempt it again. Or to even go about my daily tasks.  I have things to do ya know?

As I stepped off, slightly unsure of what to expect and a bit hesitant, I was met with a surge of personal power.  I was able to walk so smoothly, no stiffness, no jerking in my step.  I felt powerful.  I felt strong and I felt capable. 

In that instant it occurred to me that I also felt different mentally.  It wasn't just physical. From that moment in time I started to feel the forward motion inside.  I didn't feel like I was standing still, I didn't feel like I was frozen in time watching the world zip past me.  I felt in control. 

In control is a feeling I have been missing for the past two months.  Feeling helpless and needing others to be the support and mechanism of living my daily life. My conclusion, if you want to feel powerful and in control do something super hard!  Do it for even 5 minutes.  Push your own boundaries, expand your capabilities. The rush is unreal. 

Getting up with Hubs at 330 am was strictly driven by my desire to accomplish a task.  My energy levels are currently questioning my sanity.  My emotional levels are bubbling with the fire of success. The fact that that man loves me enough to work on a project like that first thing in the morning, for no other reason than for me to heal... my heart is overflowing. 

This journey has been the most unique one I have ever traveled.  I am daily forced to rethink what I thought was the path.  I am being asked to slow down, sometimes go completely in the opposite direction, re-evaluate, re-think, slow down some more and then proceed with extreme caution being ready to accept a stop or reverse at any moment. 

The more I comfortable I become with this new slower way to live and process life, the more I feel it's beauty and flow.  I wish I had done it years ago.  No... not the knee, although that would have solved a world of discomfort and pain, but living my life slower. With greater thought and intention.  

The success junkie in me is dying to go down and try it again.  The new me, is content to say nope, it will be there tomorrow.  And as I walk across the room the muscles that got put on notice that they were needed to step up to the plate and pull their weight... well they are saying maybe next year.  Tomorrow morning I will accomplish another ten minutes, and the day after that as well.  I don't know how long it will take to move past that 10 minute mark, to add another minute or two, I am prepared to go slowly.

I have a goal. By this time next year, the only thing that will give away my new knee will be the faint scar on my knee.  I will walk smoothly, I will eventually ride my bike, I will be able to go rafting or climb in our little fishing boat without fear or angst.  I will be able to stand for hours on end at my longarm. I will be able to play with my grands and enjoy my life. And no one will ever be the wiser.  

So... back to my original question... Have you ever deliberately pushed yourself?  Have you done the hard stuff?  Cause I gotta tell you, the feeling of accomplishment and personal power is incredible!  It isn't always the physical stuff, that was just what caused my ah-ha moment.  I am tired of living in my comfort zone, I'm starting to push those walls a bit further each day.  I am so grateful for this time, for this energy that I am living in and working through.  

Take the chance, do the super hard thing, you absolutely deserve that incredible feeling that comes with it!

breaking point...

How much more?  I mean seriously, I hate to put this out into the universe, but I am shocked by the humans of this world.  Shocked by how I am witnessing people acting, speaking and behaving.  I really wonder how much more can we take before society completely fractures.  Or is that the point?  

So many times I have read things along the lines of things must be completely destroyed before they can get better.  I understand that.  I mean if you are going to build a house on a lot that has the remnants of a long destroyed home on it, you have to completely clear the grounds before you can begin.  I get it. 

What I don't get is how humans can be so downright ugly to one another. Everywhere you turn there is a blame game going on.  It's always someone's fault for this or that.  Yet people are refusing to take responsibility for their own actions.  It's always someone else's fault or responsibility. 

This morning I noticed a post on Nextdoor.  The kind I pay attention to, someone had their car broken into. the double ah-ha moment for me, is that this is the second time in a year.  Last time they stole the truck, this time they just rummaged through her car and stole her vehicle documentation - so the damage there is identity theft.  That and the feeling for violation.  

About half of the comments were blaming her.  All those should have and could have and why didn't you... it was enough to make my head absolutely explode!  I mean fireworks central!!  Truth of the matter, the victim was further victimized by the keyboard warriors.  

I don't know if you have ever been stolen from.  If you have ever felt violated in such a way, but I have.  It was super minor - although I did call the police and I did press charges.  Yes it feels ugly to press charges against an 8 year old child.  But I do not regret it one bit.  She broke into my home, she stole things out of my home and when confronted by the police stated she felt it was okay, because she wanted what had been in my home.  Her parents saw nothing wrong with it either. 

So nope, no regrets.  Here is why, because until she was caught I was left with a haunting feeling that anyone could simply enter my home and take what they wanted.  That I was unsafe with two small children, my son was only a few months old at the time, and my ex-husband deployed most of the time.  It leaves you feeling helpless and unsure of anything around you. It is a feeling of complete violation. 

Once she was caught and had zero remorse and the parents didn't even feel it was worthy of punishment or an apology, that amplified those feelings to levels I can't explain.  She was a child from our neighborhood, which is why her presence in our stairwell did not cause me any concern.  She was not a child that played with my then six year old daughter, so she had never been in our home.  She just felt it was her right to be able to go into my home and remove the items that she wanted. 

I moved a short while later, I am sure the little girl received nothing much in the way of discipline, I am equally sure the father (the military member responsible for the actions of his family) did. 

The woman this morning was victimized not only by the person that violated her private space, but by her neighbors, by the community she sought to warn to exercise additional caution. 

This is just the latest example of ugly.  

I'm tired of ugly.  I'm tired of criminal actions, mandates, illegal rules.  I'm tired of freedoms and rights being stripped away.  When I hear what is happening in other countries, I am sick.  Absolutely sick to my stomach at the actions happening on a global scale. 

There is lying, cheating, abuse (both mental and physical), the double standards are extreme.  My heart breaks for those that deal with it on a daily basis.  The longer I have stepped back from the public, the more evident and glaring it becomes. 

People are becoming so aggressive.  Have you observed traffic lately?  The aggression being acted out while driving a vehicle is unreal.  Terrifying actually.  And half the time they are using their phone as they are driving aggressively - eyes not even on the road. 

The air seems filled with this sense of I deserve this and I deserve that. Give me my way or else.  Is this the result of years of everyone is a winner, everyone gets a trophy and prize?  Did society build this when they decided our children no longer needed to learn that not everyone is the best at everything?

I'm just speculating, I absolutely do not have any answers. I am asking each of us to truly step back and examine what is occurring all around us. 

I mean think about it, it's "my body, my choice" when referring to abortion (ironic when you think about it, as it involves another life) but not when referring to a desire to have or not have an unproven vaccination.  It's also I can put you down for anything I want if you don't have the same ideology, orientation, desires, fill in the blank that I have - but don't you dare say anything about me because that is a hate crime. 

The division, the anger, the inability to reason through and realize that we are all pawns on a giant board and we control the ability to stop being used as such if we would just step back and take a deep breath.  If we would simply remove ourselves from the game board. And look at what is truly going on. 

We have reached a point in society that we are frightened children lashing out at everyone around us, simply because we are being led to do so.  When is this all going to reach it's crescendo?  When are families going to become whole again and realize that just because someone doesn't agree with you, they aren't necessarily wrong.  They might just have other information, that might be worth exploring?  When do we as a society become whole again?

Last night at dinner out with friends, conversations inadvertently swung to politics in a twisted manner.  I was asked if I frequented a stop that sells quality spices here in town.  I do not.  My reason is personal, Hubs accidentally let the reason slip. Our friend's wife instantly took offense.  

It bothered me, because my reason is because of their extreme political views and the method presented.  I don't care about a companies views per say.  I don't care what party they endorse or support. Where my feathers get ruffled and I will quit being your patron is where you attempt to force your views on me, where you bombard me with propaganda and ugliness in email or when I come to your shop I am basically shunned and criticized for not wishing to engage in conversations around that topic. I will gladly support your company if you live and let live.  I will not support if you push your agenda on me, not that you are willing to discuss your beliefs (I will gladly discuss), but flat out rude behavior against someone that may or may not believe as you do - I can't do that. 

I attempted to explain this thought process.  Acknowledging that it was a personal feeling and that I could not support someone that used their business as a bully pulpit.  I didn't condemn her for shopping there, I didn't fuss at the comment that I should have ignored it. I did find it humorous, as that is usually the stance I encounter when I can't support those tactics.  Yet it is perfectly okay for people to completely malign a store like Hobby Lobby, because of the stance of their CEO.  I have never received threatening emails from their CEO that I needed to believe their way or I was not welcome in their store - that they did not need my business.  Nor have I ever encountered anything that would lead me to feel they were pushing his beliefs onto me. And no I am not endorsing his views, I frankly haven't dug deeply enough into them as they do not affect me personally. 

I am also grown up enough to decide when something doesn't sit right with me. 

That seems to be the world that we are living in.  We are forced to censor everything we say, think, feel or do through a lens of who will this offend.  The victims are the ones that are maligned and shunned, the aggressor could not possibly be responsible for their actions. It's a march in step or get the hell out of the way society. 

It's making me sick.  

My heart is hurting. 

I have strong views on a lot of things.  Unless you know me extremely well, you will not know those views.  I always try to look at the world through the lens of good. Sometimes I bite my tongue, sometimes I don't.  I am getting more and more to the place inside me that I have to speak up.  That being neutral and playing middle ground is serving no one. 

Is that where we are coming to as a society?  Is there no longer middle ground?  Have we stopped treating others the way we want to be treated? Has right and wrong or black and white become a permanent shade of gray? Has accountability and personal responsibility gone the way of the dinosaurs?

As you can tell, my head and heart are in a definite quandary today. Especially as I long for the days of old, where locking or not locking your door did not lead to you being to blame for a break in.  Where you immediately rushed to the aid of another human.  Where you weren't looked at crazy for offering to cook a meal, watch children or make a donation of any kind towards helping people through life. 

Guess what... none of us are getting out of this alive.  So know that if you need my prayers, they are there wrapped firmly around you.  If I can do something to make your life easier, I have got your back!  If all you need is someone to listen and give you grace and ease, I'm your girl!  I will always be there for anyone in need of anything.  This life is our lesson, our proving ground.  It is up to us how we accomplish that task.  

Shut off the television, walk away from social media, go out into the sunshine and be the sponge that absorbs all of the goodness around you so that you can easily squeeze some of it out on a hurting soul. And for pities sake... lets stop this world from being so darn judgmental and hate-filled. 

Surround yourself and others with peace, love and grace!

pause button...

Whew.  That is how I feel today.  Since waking up this morning, I have barely had a chance to sit. And the feelings it brings are a mixture of joy and accomplishment all wrapped up in exhaustion. It's definitely an odd place to find oneself.  I think I understand how the planet Mercury must be feeling today as we slide into our final retrograde of the year.  

I am making forward progress.  Lots of it, if I take a moment to reflect and be completely honest about it.  As I am puttering around the house, doing my chores and taking care of life, I feel an odd sense of accomplishment when I think back just a few weeks. And then I think further back and realize that I am completely moving in slow motion. 

I have been up for almost six hours, in a normal time I would have completed what's taken me six hours to accomplish in about two. It feels frustrating and wonderful.  Such conflicting emotions.  Because the truth is just a single month ago, I would not have accomplished this much in a week.  Two months ago, I wouldn't have accomplished anything. 

Life is so much about perception. Mercury is still moving forward, although to the naked eye, it doesn't appear to be. It appears to have stopped and started going backwards.  It isn't.  It's just that everything else is moving forward so much faster. 

That is me.  I'm still moving.  I am just doing it a lot slower and with far greater intention than in the past. I am also having to learn to slow my thoughts, plans and life to match the pace that this healing process is setting for me. 

For example, last week I set myself up for disappointment.  I started to say failure, but it wasn't failure. I filled my "to do" list, my intentions with great plans, huge accomplishments that would have seemed minor just a few short months ago.   I was excited to see all of it written out in such a way, where I could purposefully line through each accomplishment daily.  See my progress in living color. 

By Friday, as we got ready to head out for a weekend escape, I was exhausted in a way I could barely fathom.   Frankly, I barely had energy to make the bed in the camper to put my extremely weary body and mind down.  I was disappointed. 

We found a delightful little place to camp, close to where I wanted to go the next day.  In fact planning for this healing process is what led us to camp this weekend.  I was concerned that driving for two hours, walking for an hour or so and then driving back would simply be more than I physically could take.  Besides, camping is therapeutic and we both needed the therapy.

I always have a travel project ready, something I can take with me.  And this time as I carefully knit the beautiful scarf that I am working on, my mind really focused on my feelings of disappointment.  I had carefully planned all the things I wanted to accomplish.  And I was feeling like I had done nothing, none of the big things were lined through.  There didn't appear to be any forward motion. 

Each stitch gave me time to process, to think.  Had I failed?  Or had I just fallen into that trap of setting my sites on the "whole elephant", knowing full well that you can only eat an elephant one bite at a time.  So to speak. 

I gave myself permission this weekend to stop thinking about it, to stop stressing and to simply go with it.  Instead of fretting, I lost myself in the weekend and focused on what was really important.  Quality time with Hubs.  Walking (so slowly) to the little lake with Hubs, renewing my fishing skills with Hubs (I can still cast like crazy - and he is right casting is my favorite part). Sitting by campfires and staring up at the star filled sky so far from the lights of the city (it was like looking at a paint splattered blanket of deep velvet - so many stars), while drinking our Jack & Coke from our coffee cups.  Playing hours worth of Rummy, both of us having the joy of claiming victory a time or two.  Nourishing our bodies with the food that had been made at home, savoring the flavors of warm soup on a cool fall evening. Exploring the beautiful Log Cabin Village and all of the craft booths full of talented people and their wares.  Photographing sunrises and sunsets on their beautiful lake. In between I worked on my knitting project, slept, rested and did it all over again. 

We simply stopped.  

There wasn't a to do list. There was nothing much to accomplish, the entire goal of the weekend was to accomplish nothing.  I would say that we succeeded. 

So the question that I've had to ask myself is do we intentionally sabotage ourselves? Are we conditioned to move rapidly and accomplish super human things?  Are we genetically engineered to be that way?

By removing a to do list, what I found was we accomplished so much more than we thought we would.  It wasn't accomplished in the traditional sense, it was in the intangible things.  You can't measure most of them.  Yet they are priceless just the same.  We all need to hit that reset button periodically. 

This morning while heating my leg I worked on this weeks to do list.  I modified it.  I need the sense of normality it brings to me.  But more than anything I needed it to reflect goals that I could accomplish.  It needed to be completely realistic and specific. 

I am trying to learn that the healing me needs more time to accomplish tasks and that making a list of everything that has been waiting for me to be healed and thinking it will get accomplished is an exercise in futility. So I have re-evaluated my expectations.  I will still accomplish all of it, but at the slower pace that is my new normal (for the moment).  I am framing things differently. 

These are lessons I started learning earlier this year.  Ironically, I have been told I would keep being slowed down more until I learned these lessons.  I finally feel like they have started to penetrate my thick skull. 

Now I am wondering if more of us need to slow down, if the whole point of everything we are going through on this planet in this time, isn't meant to slow us down.  

I just got an email from one of our local groceries, stating that they would be shutting down earlier in the evening each day, additionally that instead of forcing people to be away from their families around the holidays they are actually extending the amount of time that they are closing to allow their employees to spend time with their families. Some of the changes will make it inconvenient to shop them, as some of the services that I use will not be available during the hours that I go.  I understand their reasoning.  I actually celebrate it.  More places should follow suit, we as humans will adjust.

As the sign a friend gave me long ago says "we are human beings, not human doings".  Maybe it's time we all started to remember that. 

Realistic.  

Push the pause button.  

welcome to the changes...

Hot coffee, warm fire, cool breeze, birds chirping, crackling wood and the peace of the morning while waiting for our yummy Lemon Ricotta muffins to come out of oven. Welcome Autumn, welcome Mabon this is a perfect start to my favorite season of the year!  

For me nothing beats the beauty and absolute peace that I find during this time of the year. The sudden shift in the weather has prompted the leaves to suddenly start to change, our tree out front has already started it's yearly leaf dump.  It doesn't gracefully drop leaves, a few multi-colored leaves per day, it simply dumps them all, one fell swoop.  One day full, the next day it's bare. 

I love the change.  It definitely fills my heart with absolute joy. 

I am officially past the seven week mark in my recovery journey and each morning has brought me a bit more in the way of freedoms and abilities.  I still wish that it wasn't so slow sometimes, but truthfully, I am slowly starting to move into a space where I appreciate it. It is teaching me to take a few more moments in time to savor things, to fully appreciate it all.  It is definitely the reset that I have needed after far too many years of moving far too fast.  No opportunity to slow down and savor the moments and life around me. 

my view doesn't suck

I am finding that I finally have the energy and time to make plans, to cook, to dream, to work on me as a human delving deeper than ever into my own spirituality.  It's invigorating. It's inspiring.  I don't think I ever really took the time in the past to dig into things that inspire me.  To find the things about myself that I find inspiring.

who knew grain-free could be yummy?

I don't miss the days of checking off boxes. 

Although it is very ironic I say that, because I have picked up a habit that I had long ago forgotten about, and it completely involves checking off boxes.  When I was a much younger woman, and trying to keep my life organized I make lists, LONG lists.  I did it a bit at work, but my home lists were the ones that I focused on.  To hold myself accountable to myself and my family. I stopped years ago.  The reason I stopped? Because it was depressing to see so many things left undone.  I was simply unable to keep up, if sleep was a hobby I wanted to continue to pursue. 

As I am starting my own business, creating the foundation and laying out my plan, I wanted to make sure that I organized all my bits and pieces.  That I didn't lose my way on my journey.  I do not ever want to return to the way things were. Where the everyday gets lost.  I need the every day, I crave it. I also know I am passionate about the path I am embarking on.  I need the two parts to come together seamlessly. 

I guess nowadays they refer to them as bullet journals, I don't know that I am that organized.  And I definitely know that I should have spent far more time practicing my penmanship as a young child if I was ever going to do one of those.  Mine looks more like chicken scratch, and I write far too large for a bullet journal.  I found a calendar that suits my needs perfectly.  It's spiral bound so I can write in it easily and it has LONG columns for the day.  I am able to put all of the things I want to focus on in it.  If it is completed it gets a highlighter line through it, if it lingers, it gets moved forward and scratched off.  If it is more personal healing type of item that I will not have the ability to complete on a new day, it simply gets lined through.  I know I didn't complete it, I gently scold myself and then set my intention to so better the next day. 

This is also helping with another issue I have found since I have walked out of the "real work world", for lack of a better way to put it, I finally remember what day it is.  I have lived in a bubble of not knowing for quite some time now.  Like a little child, time has become irrelevant, unless I had to be somewhere or someone needed something from me. Now that I am using my calendar, I can actually tell you the day of the week - if I look at the top of the column. 

We'd had a very busy weekend.  Installing fans/lights in the two rooms that had none - our friend definitely deserves a medal for his help with that beast of a project.  Tidying up from it was not a lot of fun either, but that is almost finished.  I need Hubs to carry down the supplies that will make me too off balanced on the stairs.  Taking the new mattress to the camper, woohoo, can't wait to sleep on something not sticking into my ribs and also hauling the old one into the truck - bulk pickup is tomorrow - goodbye old lumpy mattress! In the midst of all that we found time to drive through Lone Elk Park and take a walk or two and enjoy nature!

camera lens wasn't wide enough... full rainbow!

the harvest moon 2021

Monday as I was looking for something on "the desk" in the kitchen, I finally decided to do something about that disaster.  If you look closely in some of the pictures I've posted over the last few years, you will see it in the background taking on a life of it's own.  Anything not having a home, needing looked at again, or things needing shredded simply piled up there.  All of it was waiting for someday.  Guess what, someday simply doesn't come if you don't will it into existence.  And I knew I needed a clean work space.  I am that person that becomes paralyzed when surrounded by messes.  

my office space

It happens in my studio, it happens in the kitchen, when confronted with piles of ironing, etc.  I need it to be clean and organized to start, or I simply freeze.  I can't move forward. It's not even a matter of not wanting to, it's a matter of can't.  It's like my brain becomes obsessed with everything that isn't right.  Eventually, I will do what I did on Monday.  I will tackle it.  I will throw things away.  I will organize everything.  Or I will clean it to the state I need it to be able to function.  

Instead of a massive pile of crap, because most of it was just that.  I now have a clean desk set up and I even  felt brave and organized enough to get my new business cards out. I even started on my webpage.  It's not ready to share with the world yet, but the plan is coming to life.  Fresh air is lifting it higher into the light, simply by cleaning and clearing my space. 

Today I am going to clear space in my studio.  I am also going to start working on a project that has patiently waited for me to be strong enough.  I can finally stand and sit without my leg elevated enough to dig in.  I am fairly positive I will have the top and bottom of the quilt finished by the end of next week - normally it wouldn't take that long, but I have to respect my limits.  I will admit I am nervous of standing at my longarm machine for any length of time, but I also know that as quickly as I am healing, I might be able to move mountains before too long. 

Unless I get called for jury duty next week.  That will throw a monkey wrench in my plans.  I guess I will worry about that come Friday...

Well my friends... find a way to celebrate this wonderful first day of Autumn.  Celebrate Mabon and rejoice in the beauty that the changing world is showing us.  Life is far too short to not make time to find the joy in the smallest gift life gives you!

everyday life...

Chasing sunrises always starts a day off beautifully and this mornings did not disappoint!  Hubs came up from the man-cave just before sunrise and asked if I was ready for my morning walk.  I have to admit the twisted side of me wonders when he asks me that if I am his current puppy and feel the need to wag my tail.  But the normal side of me is so very thankful to his dedication to helping me recover and become strong and independent yet again. 

As we slowly made our walk, which I am excited to say I was able to add .1 miles to it.  That seems like so little, but for me it is a huge increase.  One more street light makes a world of difference. Every few days I am trying for another small victory, one more street light or maybe adding a small hill (not much - maybe just a few degrees).  The healing both physically and mentally is powerful! Add a beautiful sunrise and the happiness of the soul is elevated to an unreal level. 

I am sitting here "cooking" my leg right now, I have to do a full hour three times a day right now, and yesterday I missed one.  I didn't realize how important this step has been to my healing until I tried to sleep last night.  My leg ached no matter how I tried to sleep.  Note to self: Don't skip cooking! I cannot wait until it is not needed. 

This morning after our walk Hubs and I were hanging out in the treetop garden, the temperature at this time of the year is so beautiful and relaxing. Sipping coffee, watching the sunrise over the the trees and chatting is probably one of my favorite pastimes and I hate when we ultimately have to get up and get busy.  During the week that time always comes far too soon.  On the weekends we are often able to sit until we feel ready to start the day, today was no exception. 

We chatted about what the weekend holds for us, this is a honey-do weekend.  A friend is coming to help us install our fans/lights in the two front rooms, the guest room and and my studio get so warm and they do not have good lighting, which I can work around but it frustrates sweet Hubs to no end.  

I spent a few moments in my garden, harvesting tomato's and cleaning up beds as the season wears on and finally starting to really look at my fall planting.  I made a few a list of a few things I need to get and checked out my seed stock.  Pretty sure I can get another planting of radishes, lettuce and some spinach in before we have frost and as I have the seeds on hand, I believe I will.  I found my tools stashed in the garage, my seeds and gloves are ready, all I need now is some soil, the beds are a bit lean and could use a refill.  Depending on how install goes that might have to wait until tomorrow. 

I also noticed several of my houseplants need some attention also.  Sometimes it feels like there is more to do than there are hours to complete and others are semi-empty and the possibilities to fill that time are endless. 

Hubs is getting ready to pressure-wash the house and sidewalks.  I want to help so badly, I love pressure washing and the therapeutic nature of the back to back motion.  I know that I do not ready to tackle such a job, but it doesn't stop my desire to be out there.  I also know that pressure washing is not good for me with my mold allergies, it definitely stirs that up to the forefront. I wonder if he will notice if I am staring out the window longingly. Doubtful, he gets lost in the project also, so I know he will be immersed in his music and the rhythmic motions.  I guess I will leave him to enjoy it and focus on my own projects.  

He works so hard during the week, that I am super grateful for his willingness to spend the weekend doing the list of honey-do's that I cannot currently do for myself.  I get very frustrated when I cannot do the chores that I want to do.  One of my greatest joys of being home based now, is that I can take care of my home and provide a warm and welcome home for us. 

My contribution to the weekend will be doing some cooking for us.  I baked grain-free bread yesterday, it turned out amazing. Only needing to stand for a few moments of time is something I can easily do.  As he is loving that so much, today will involve making some grain-free nacho chips and of course he needs some cookies.  I think today will be pecan sandies.  Something perfect for enjoying with a hot cup of coffee or tea. 

I will also take care of washing the linens and those chores that will allow me to sit and rest when needed.  I feel like I am not carrying my weight in our lives right now, even while I try to remind myself that when he was so sick I carried all the weight. To me that doesn't really matter. I am not one of those people that believes in keeping score, I feel that we are both part of an incredible partnership and we each are responsible for lifting the other up when we are not strong enough.  I don't believe in 50/50, but at the same time I feel guilty when I cannot contribute at least that amount. 

I love these kind of weekends, they fill my heart with all the comforts of home.  The simple things that make a life and home.  Working with Hubs is one of my favorite things to do.  Whether we are puttering around the house, working in the yard, doing some woodworking, quilting, well simply anything it is perfect.  I am blessed, I love being married to my very best friend and soulmate.  I firmly believe that we were always meant to be together and I love the beauty that comes with that. 

Who knows what tomorrow will bring, if we get all our chores done maybe we will get to have a day of play or it may be a day of rest.  Some of it will depend on the weather and if the rain we are expecting actually decides to roll in. 

I hope each of you has time for things that fill your heart and soul this weekend... 

Love and peace...

weary...

I'm tired.  Simply tired.  Not physically, emotionally.  I'm tired of this phase our world is going through.  A phase where love and grace seem to be foreign words and feelings.  A phase where bullying is okay, were little to no thought is being given to the path others are walking before speaking our words and minds. 

It must be exhausting to live a perfect life.  One that has never been touched by anything painful or negative.  To be blessed with all of the answers and the perfect responses to everything. 

And it seems to be pervasive.  Every bit of life is overly full of negativity and hurtful behaviors. People that are full of would, should's and could's without a thought about the pain it is bringing another. 

I follow a couple of food blogs on Facebook, and I am stunned at the comments that show up daily, sometimes hourly.  These are simply people sharing recipes, trying to help others along a path to greater health.  If you aren't interested or it doesn't work for you, walk away. There is no reason to attack and write hateful comments.  Those are people writing and sharing, doing it out of the goodness of their hearts - but by all means - speak your hurtful truth if it makes you feel better.  So you didn't like it, okay.  I've made recipes that ended up being the opossums dinner, I never felt the need to go on the attack. 

It seems like every Facebook post, Nextdoor post, tweet or, well you get the picture, there is someone ready to jump in and be a keyboard bully.  Is your life so miserable, are you so afraid, are you so unable to reason through what was written that your first reaction needs to be an attack?  We've lost the ability to have a decent human conversation.  I remember a time when if you didn't agree, you could speak your mind respectfully, have a conversation of pros/cons and move on.  Still treating one another kindly and with compassion. 

Sort of like: 

>> I love cauliflower, it is so versatile and nutritious.

>>> I am not a fan, the mouthfeel is disturbing to me, I prefer to avoid it. 

>> hmmm... I can see where you would feel that way, can I offer you something else. 

And then dinner moves on.  Today it will evolve quickly into personal attacks and hatred. And yes I understand that example was a bit simplistic, but that was entirely my point. 

We are becoming a society afraid to speak our truth (no matter what it is) out of fear of what will come out of it. Is the person I am talking to going to lose their minds?  Are they going to be disrespectful?  Will they value my feelings as I am attempting to value theirs? Will my thoughts and feelings be disregarded because I am not walking in lockstep with their thoughts and feelings?

I truly am exhausted.  

I have several people that I love that are climbing personal mountains, ya know the Mount Everest type.  Life is throwing boulders at them, and solutions are few and far between. I don't have answers for any of them.  I have never walked in their shoes or carried the burdens that they are being asked to carry. All I know is that they are doing their damn best to hold it together and carry on.

Heck, I have friends that are battling things that I personally have battled.  I have walked in similar shoes, I have carried those boulders.  But the truth of the matter is that each and everyone of us is on a very personal journey through this crazy thing called life. Just because I have had a similar struggle through an illness that is the same, I have not walked in their shoes.  

I can only offer support, grace, a safe place to unload the baggage that they are carrying and pray with them.  Focus on them when I meditate and do everything I can to elevate their energy to make the journey a bit lighter.

Sure, I might share things that worked for me in a similar situation, if asked - but it will be more along the lines of a question, have you tried this or that? What research have you done?  What have you tried? And I will always offer to send them crystals... because in my world crystals make everything better. 

When I hear of someone being ugly, it breaks my heart. It's even more painful when they acknowledge that they are going to be ugly and you simply need to listen anyhow. 

I'm so very tired of ugly. 

Our entire world is hurting right now, for a myriad of different reasons.  And your truth is no more true than mine or the next person's.  We each have different things we are here to learn, different lessons and growth opportunities. 

I firmly believe that until we have slightly dipped our toe into someone else's pool, we cannot understand even on a surface level the feelings they are dealing with. Yet when we listen with compassion with the intent to understand, magic happens. 

I remember a long time ago, I struggled with speech.  The stress of my life at the time, the burden to try and hold it together caused a lot of problems.  I was incredibly hard to understand, my stupid tongue did not want to work, it felt frozen. I remember having tears burn in my eyes, willing them not to fall, when people couldn't understand me.  When I struggled to even order a cup of coffee.  I remember refusing to be in a situation where I had to speak, shoot I even told sweet Hubs that I wouldn't talk to him on the phone because he wouldn't understand me (FYI I did, he didn't - before we got married).  I remember my sweet 10 year old (at the time) son, losing his temper and telling off the cashier when she scolded me for failing to learn English when I came to this country.  Umm... I am definitely American born - wanna see my birth certificate?

I was tired and we'd been traveling a long time, I simply wanted a cup of fresh coffee to help me through the remaining 4 hours of our drive. Because she couldn't understand me, her assumptions roared to the forefront.  My sweet boy, stood as tall as he could and corrected her rather sharply.  Normally, I would have scolded him for being disrespectful to an adult.  Given that adult was acting like a two year old, I let it ride, I was so proud of him for stepping up like that. For protecting me, but in a greater way for protecting someone unable to "speak up" for themselves.  We went across the street to gas up and get coffee, without incident.  But that moment was burned into my brain. 

Many hours of speaking to myself in a mirror, practicing and failing repeatedly led me to be able to speak properly again.  That was a long year and a half.  I used to stand at home alone in the bathroom with tears in my eyes and heart, fearful that I wouldn't recover.  Determined to prove myself wrong.  I will never forget the first time I could pronounce my own name again.  The joy was and still is indescribable.  I danced around my house repeating my name over and over again.  I had conquered that demon. 

The reason I bring it up, is because during that time I dealt with a lot of hurt and contempt from other humans. I saw first hand how horrible and without compassion many could be.  It helped me to look at the other side of each coin.  I could decide that time in my life was a curse, instead, I choose to celebrate the lessons that not only I learned, but also my sweet son. 

Fast forward twenty years... and here I am learning another lesson.  Another opportunity for grace and compassion.  Walking and standing are still a bit of a struggle for me, oh who am I kidding... they are a huge struggle.  I want to believe that I am superwoman, but the reality is the act of shopping for groceries or going to a large store can be so exhausting for me. How many times have I been frustrated with someone struggling and slowing me down in the past?  I'm ashamed to even think about it. 

I don't like to use the motorized shopping carts, I feel I should leave them for someone that truly needs them.  I will admit when I need one and there are none available for use it is super frustrating and emotionally defeating.  One thing I have noted, and I am sharing with every store manager that will listen, is that maybe if they strategically placed some seats or benches throughout the store it would be an amazing customer service. Just a spot to rest for a moment, to give a person a chance to regain their own strength. How many of those people that used to frustrate me, simply want to be strong and independent?  They don't want to be weak or ill. And definitely do not want to lean on anyone else. I have experienced this first hand now, I get it. 

I am not going to say I have loved these lessons, but I am so grateful to recognize them for what they are and to hopefully take away the things I need to learn from them. 

Grace, compassion, understanding.  These things are becoming far too rare as we move through this phase.  It's so much easier to be harsh, to act like a dictator, a know it all.  To assume that we have all the answers because our lives are going to terrific.  

Are they?  Have you truly learned every lesson?  Is your life, your home, your career, your family going so wonderful that you are the expert in life?  Is your mental state so strong that you never question anything? 

Is it really going to cost you so much to simply be there? I know so many right now that are too busy, too wrapped up in themselves to simply be there for someone in need.  It doesn't matter if it makes you personally uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if you have other plans and want to do fun stuff.  Sometimes you simply participate.  You are there. Who gives a rats...  if it isn't your cup of tea.  Stop living in your selfish world and think about what your action means to another. 

We've all been in that place where we listen to the same story over and over, where we do the same routine for someone because we know it is what they need.  I challenge each of you to look at where you are, who you talk to, what kind of vibe are you giving out.  Is it truly going to hurt anyone to simply be there?  No questions, no judgment, no ugly... just be there. 

None of us are on the same journey, each of us has things that others can never understand.  Each of us has to get to the point that we remember some of the manners we were brought up with.  Not every thought that crosses our minds needs to spill out of our mouths or keyboards.  Each of us could do a bit more of simply being there for others, whether it is comfortable or something we want to do or not. 

I am incredibly grateful for the friends and family that have been in constant contact with me during this current part of my journey, where I was not able to really return those gifts.  The friends that came and sat with me, just because.  That came to my home without any expectations and made my load a bit lighter. The those that cheered on my journey, encouraging me and lifting me up.  My sweet Hubs by my side. There were times that random text or smile made all of the difference in the world to me.

For my friends and family that have boulders falling non-stop right now.  I need you to know that I am here.  I don't have answers.  I won't pretend I do.  I am willing to do whatever I can to help lighten your load. I am even willing to take a few of those boulders for you if I can.  I will listen.  I will brainstorm with you.  I will create and hold space for you. 

For those of you that feel you are perfect... well... perfect on... but please stop hurting those of us that realize we don't have the answers, life didn't come with an instruction book and we are all doing the best we can.  And please for the love of God, remember that in order to receive compassion and grace, you have to give compassion and grace.  Because what you give out into the world will truly come back to you magnified. 

peace and love... 

being Franklin...

This morning as the sky was just starting to lighten, the sun had not quite started to rise above the horizon when Hubs had the awesome idea to head outside, we all know I love to be outside, I added the idea of a walk and it was game on. I am not being stupid with my walks, I have accepted that I definitely have boundaries that require respect. 

As we rounded the corner at the end of our street, I started to wonder if my grand-cat Franklin would make an appearance.  He has become the neighborhood celebrity.  He makes the rounds every day, saying good morning and getting love from everyone on his daily journey. 

Franklin needs love, constantly.  If my daughter and her kids do not provide ample amounts (and I do not believe any human can meet that need), he just starts visiting neighbors.  I firmly believe that he has adopted everyone in the neighborhood.  Even folks like me that are allergic can't resist the urge to give him pet and a treat, if they came prepared.  

He is also crazy vocal.  Franklin wanders the sub-division singing the song of his tribe, it's like he is calling people and other animals to him.  

Since the boys passed we don't walk our neighborhood very often, the memories are a bit raw, even a year later.  I loved meeting our neighbors in the mornings, before everyone got busy with their days. As I am healing and need the short flat walks we have started to walk our neighborhood more, and at a more reasonable time than 4 am.  

Today was a blessing, as we slowly walked we started to encounter all of the people we used to see every day.  Everyone was enjoying the soft morning light and mild temperatures.  Living in the Midwest mornings like today are priceless. 

We stopped and chatted with the neighbor at the end of the road for a few moments, and then found Hubs young friend (a fellow veteran) just a short ways down the next road.  While chatting with him about his new career and the future (he is getting married to a delightful young woman next month) we spotted our neighborhood celebrity.  

Franklin was basically doing the same thing.  He was "chatting" with another set of our neighbors, oddly we don't know their names, even though we have been talking to them ourselves for years.  They are serious power walkers and every morning would chat with our boys while we were walking. Watching Franklin wrap himself around their arms and legs, encouraging them to speak his love language, I found myself mesmerized. 

Put me down Gramma, I'm not done
visiting the neighbors.

We kept walking up towards them, that was the direction we were heading anyhow, and stopped for a few moments to chat about Mr. Franklin.  We were all laughing that he was on his way to the bus stop, he has several kiddo's that he stops to see at the end of our street every morning.  He is always there to greet them as they wait patiently for their bus, he absolutely cannot get or give enough love.  He doesn't understand any of the things that divide us silly humans, he simply gives and gets love.  If you are near, you are his target. 

After chatting for a bit, Hubs and I continued on our walk, I stretch myself a few extra steps a day and this morning, I felt strong.  We were laughing at Franklin, as he meowed in our direction, but headed on his own journey to the bus stop and his friends.  He kept pace with all of them as they headed off.  

He didn't finish walking with them though, the intersection of the main street and ours seems to be his stopping point, he was ready to wait for his friends.   He spends most morning watching our neighbor complete her work out.  Watching for the dogs Holly and Kira.  He wants to be friends, but is cautious.  He has 4 other kitty siblings and a bunny sibling, but there are no dogs at his home.  

As Hubs and I headed back to our street Franklin decided we had not loved on him nearly enough and gave us the opportunity to rectify the situation.  As he started to ignore us, we decided to finish our short walk and head home to enjoy a small fire in the Solo before the day started to be busy and rushed. 

A few moments later I hear him.  He's chasing us down the road calling us, Franklin has decided today he is going to hang out with the grand parents.  He followed us at a leisurely stroll until Grampa opened the door, he was going to get a bowl of refreshments for Franklin, and evidently he knew it, because he poured on the steam and took off running after Grampa easily slipping in the door. 

We let him wander around and enjoy his treat (trust me that boy is not malnourished) for a bit, before escorting him back out.  I am allergic to cats and it's been almost two years since I have had a cat in the house, my immunity to them has disappeared. 

We enjoyed spending time with him, but it was time to go in search of kiddos.  So while he wandered off we headed to the treetop garden.  

It wasn't long before he was back, he must have heard us, not sure, but soon we spotted him in the backyard, calling us. When we responded he decided that he would like to visit the treetop garden and soon his little head was poking up.  We enjoyed him and our fire with out coffee.  Laughing at his constant need for pets and love. He made me move my coffee so that he could lounge be side me in front of the fire, the small table on my chair is perfect Franklin size and puts him right in arms reach!  Perfect for petting!

When it was time to come in he wasn't happy that he couldn't join us, and sat at the door yelling his displeasure - for a moment.  Franklin is never one to not be in search of another friend. He's a lot like Hubs. 

Franklin is unique and wonderful.  He occupies our neighborhood Facebook page to the point that we might need to rename it the Franklin Fan Page.  Neighbors spoil him and watch out for him.  His siblings all seem to stay in a tight circle of their home.  They are all extremely loved and spoiled, Franklin is just far needier than the rest.  He is "technically" my grandson's cat.  But when he went on to live his life, he stayed with his momma and his neighborhood of people. 

The beauty of Franklin is the unconditional love he approaches life with.  He doesn't judge (unless you don't offer sufficient loves).  And he is full of passion for living his best life.  I would say over the course of the day, as he makes his rounds, he probably travels five or more miles.  He has never met a stranger and talks to everyone.  

Can you imagine how different life would be if we all decided to be like Franklin.  So much of the division, hurt and hatred that seem to be invading modern life would disappear. We would all have time for one another, for chats and hugs (it might be weird if we start petting each other), to make each other feel valued and important. If we went out of our way to simply be there during important times of the day to lift each other up.  Not to mention the calm and peaceful feeling that each of us would feel by simply slowing down to enjoy life!

Wow... it could be the powerful shift this crazy world needs right now... 

I guess I need to start working on being more like Franklin... And if you are in the neighborhood and see our local ambassador don't forget to stop and offer him a few extra pets and maybe a treat (if you are prepared).  You will make a friend for life.