moving forward...

So very much has changed in a month.  

As I am sitting here snug in my pajama's listening to the wind chimes echoing throughout the house I can't believe it is already fall, already October.  I woke up this morning to a frost warning on my phone and a house that was all of 62 degrees. Even I agree that is too chilly and was thankful for Hubs turning on the heat.  

So many things are not even slightly the same as they were a month ago.  It feels like we are on this weird roller coaster.  And frankly the loops are intense!  Losing our last fur baby last month ripped our hearts in two.  We have long agreed that for now, there will be no more fuzzy faces to cherish. Our lives are simply too chaotic and we want time for us.  

The hours a day that were spent caring for our precious senior boy have given way to slower mornings, lingering over coffee on the deck, chatting and relaxing. We are still learning how to do this without looking for him, without turning back before we leave for the day for one more fuzzy cuddle.  We are healing. 

Slowly we are fixing or changing things that had to wait until we had no pets.  Yesterday found me painting a wall that was splashed and damaged from all of the fur babies brushing up against it, slobber and lord know how else they did it. Now that the room is torn apart, today is likely going to find us finally ripping out that carpeting.  WHO, I mean seriously WHO thinks carpeting in a dining room, when every other room is hard flooring, is a good idea?  I am seriously asking this question.  And cream colored at that... I am pretty positive we have decided on the floor and will head out shortly to pick it up and to dive in.  It won't take long, it's only a 10 x 12ish space.  The bay window will take the longest.  That and moving that darn china hutch that I love so much. 

My girl sent me the name of a guy to finally refinish the wood floors.  We've patiently waited, no need to do it when those strong nails were only going to scratch them again. I will probably reach out this week to at least try and get a bid.  We could do it ourselves, neither of us has any desire to do so. 

Our world has been upside down. 

We've run away - truly the only way I could think of to deal with the heartbreak of the last baby crossing the bridge.  Loaded up the car and took off. Finding solace in the journey and experience of no responsibility except to ourselves.  We've never experienced that together. A few short hours away (although we managed to make it an almost 8 hour trip) we arrived at a beautiful B&B on Lake Barkley.  No kids, no pets, just us. It was a stormy beautiful weekend, complete with moments bathed in pure sunshine.   

Last minute trips to Arkansas have happened. Just to finally see the family and spend some hours visiting. (Yikes... is my hair really starting to be "that" light?)

And true to form 2020 has been the year of changes, the changes in our personal life have been incredible, unnerving and shocking at times and life altering in many ways.  We are still navigating these changes.  I have to say I am so blessed to be married to this wonderful man.  Together nothing is impossible.  The only bitter part of the past month was our Neeko passing.  Although I wonder if the rest of the changes and new journeys had to wait until that time. 

Work is an ever changing jumble also.  People are in such a struggle place right now, that each day brings another challenge to navigate.  There were other big changes, I know they were for the greater good and had to happen, yet the pain I feel at the separation of the diva's and our leader is a bit more sharp that I thought.  And each day closer to the inevitable ending it feels sharper. I'm not sure I was ready to navigate this many professional changes after the year that it has been. 

We are trying to focus on time.  On us. On being connected with family, friends and each other. Dinner's with kiddo's, laughter at grands.  Although there are holes.  We miss the boy, he is so far away.  I simply would do anything to bring him home for even a weekend, now simply isn't a good time. 

This healing process is unique, different than ever before.  

It's time to finish weekend chores, consider making breakfast (of some sort), start a big pot of veggie stew - the weather is perfect for it. I have a few veggies still in the tree-house garden that need harvested, then finally get ready to finish that dining room. 

I've missed writing.  I had to finish the one I posted a short bit ago.  I had to finish, before I could start again. I'll see you around... 

good-bye (for now)

I don't know where to start. 

I opened my laptop, I've been meaning to write for a minute, but just haven't been able to make the words make sense in my head. 

I opened blogger, ready to try and process my thoughts and feelings to get slapped in the face with a blog I never finished from Sept. 6.  I don't think it will ever be published, I also know it will never be deleted. 

It was a morning so much like today.  The crickets were chirping, Hubs and Neeko had just left to get donuts.  We'd decided that sounded good that morning and Neeks was bound and determined he was going for a ride.  He hadn't been into riding much lately.  Getting in and out of the car had become a struggle and I don't think he was enjoying it as much. 

Fast forward to nine days later. I'm sitting out here on the deck, the crickets are chirping even louder than ever, the air is crisp and I am surrounded by the warm glow of lights on the deck.  It's a pretty bland morning in the heavens, the stars are dim and I didn't notice the moon at all.  Unlike that morning which had been crisp and bright, full of starts with a bright moon overhead. 

On Sept 10, Hubs and I were trying to figure out how to help our daughter and family feel wrapped in love as the honored the 6th anniversary of our son-in-law passing.  Should we take over white roses? Offer to take them to dinner.  There really aren't words or actions that make such a day easier, but we were both thinking about it. 

We took our Neeko for a walk, it was slow and lingering.  I guess now I realize he was savoring it because it would be the last one. As Hubs grilled our boy his breakfast steak we joked a bit about what the neighbors must think smelling the grill so early each morning. As we sat outside sipping coffee and chatting it didn't occur to us that Neeko hadn't wandered out.  He was napping.  

Just as his breakfast cooled and I was calling him to come eat, our world shifted.  

We'd known for a long time that every minute with that precious boy was a pure gift from heaven. He'd lived so much longer than was normal for his breed mix.  A massive seizure lead us to an emergency vet, as we struggled to comprehend what we both knew. 

The vet was optimistic at first, told us take him home, maybe a few weeks, if we were lucky a few months.  We were so hopeful. We simply knew in our hearts our love would keep him with us. A few short hours and one very long seizure (over 10 minutes) and we knew that we had to love him enough to let him go. 

Being stupid COVID, only one of us was able to be by his side, holding him and loving him as he crossed the rainbow bridge and ran to his brother.  I so wanted to be selfish, I wanted to be the one there.  Again, I knew that wasn't going to happen, nor would it be right.  His daddy held him close and whispered to him that he was deeply loved as he left us. 

As we gathered the information for the sweet lady taking care of his cremation we realized our sweet baby had been part of our lives for just over 10 years.  And I can still recall the day he joined our family like yesterday.  From the jarring truck ride, to the dash down Locust street in sheer panic, to an evening spent with my girl trying to coax him inside for the night.  Ten cans of vienna sausages later we discovered all it took was a leash to get him to come right along.  We also discovered that if it included food, that sweet boy was never going to miss something thrown in his direction. 

He was the biggest baby his entire life.  Always wanting non-stop love, never trusting enough to accept it fully.  He'd had a bit of a rough start, I don't know that he ever quite got over it.  He loved to play and had a bigger toy box (which he sorted through on a regular basis) than most children.  His passion for playing and treats was simply unrivaled. 

I will never forget the email saying "there is a 3 year old brown haired, brown eyed baby boy needing a home"... or my response.... "I don't care if it is 2 legged or 4 legged... the answer is no".  How little I knew. 

I started this so long ago now it seems.  I never had the heart to finish it. 

He's home now, his ashes sit beside all the other fur babies.  We might actually take his toys down to the basement today.  We haven't really had the heart and well frankly, why does it matter. 

There will always be a hole in our hearts.  He was such a sweet and wonderful addition to our home and our lives.  Letting him go was so painful, we both know it was the right thing to do.  We are at peace and we know he is too.  

Sweet Neeko... you will always stay in our hearts until we meet again at that beautiful Rainbow Bridge.