shhhhh...

That's not your path, that is not the way you should go.  This is not the journey for you.  Do you ever hear those soft voices?  Do you listen or do you ignore them if you do?  I have always heard those soft voices in my head.  Too many times in life I have doubled down and run head first into those gates.  Willing to shatter them to bullheadedly have my way.  I didn't want to hear those soft voices.

Each time, it ended poorly.  I don't think I truly started hearing them until my world crashed down on me in 2002.  I fought like crazy, I knew better than the universe.  I knew better than all of the powers that existed.  I was going to have my way.  Period.

That year full of two's was a turning point for me.  A big one.  It was very late in that year, when broken, damaged and willing to give up, I finally chose to give in. I let the highest powers finally guide my life. I guess you have to hit that point, I guess when you are down as far as you have the ability to fall is the moment that you can finally learn to listen. 

I had to be humbled.  I had to be brought to my knees, literally. Once I gave up and stopped fighting, I was gifted with many things.  A new life, a loving husband, renewed health and a chance to find me.

Each year I have learned to be quieter to listen more carefully.

I am learning each day.  Today after work I decided I needed to walk.  It's been a rough week.  Full of challenges, full of things that a few years ago would have leveled me for a moment or two. I needed the beauty of nature, the healing power of the sunshine on my face and the joy that comes from simply being with the highest power.

I haven't mastered it, that is my current path.  Yet when I listen, when I follow where it leads me, I find greater joy in life.  It's the smallest things that fill my heart and soul with pure beauty.  I am trying to always follow where I am led.  Be it a walk in the park, into a conversation that needs to be had.  To a quiet dinner or movie with my sweet hubs, or even just a moment to unplug and create.

I am learning to find the paths that are meant for me.  As I was listening to my podcasts today and walking through those beautiful gardens I felt renewed.  It was talking about spending your time and energy on the good things and walking away from things not meant for you.  That life is supposed to be full of love, light, laughter and joy.  I could not agree more.

This journey is meant for me.  The sunshine, the peace, the steps, the food.  The time with my Hubs, my kids, my grand-kids, and my friends.  Frolicking with my sweet fur baby. And finding great peace and love in where my life is taking me. 

This is another year full of two's.  It's definitely going to be one that shapes and molds me...

powerful...

Strong. Steady. Focused.

This morning as the sky had barely started to lighten, still no promise of the rising sun gently kissing the sky.  I laced up my walking shoes and for the first time in three days I felt ready to deal with the world.  A minor bug had sidelined me a bit.  Life's way of saying stop, rest.

It was a whopping 25 degrees of bitterness, as it had been so cold before, it felt like a minor heat wave.  As I popped my earbuds in and opened YouTube - looking for the speaker my dear friend recommended (Abraham Hicks for anyone feeling so drawn) - there it was.  At the top of my screen "A Message from the Universe".  All decorated in pink flowers, bold and clear.

I was drawn to it.  At first when it said it was recorded in May of 2019, I almost skipped.  I told myself it was because I didn't want to take my gloves off to push the buttons.  That it was simply too cold.  Besides it was less than 15 minutes.  I could handle anything for 15 minutes.

I started my walk.

My steps were strong, they haven't been.  My energy has been very low and I've felt less than.  I wasn't fast, that is never the point of my walks.  I hadn't decided how far I was going to walk, just knew that I needed that time in the fresh air.  I needed to clear my head to be ready to face what promised to be a long day. I knew that the glittering stars and the crisp morning air was calling to me.

Initially, I was only semi-listening to the words in my ears.  I think I heard them, because bits and pieces were resonating with me.  I usually think about a blog while walking or in moments of peace.  So much inspiration is there when it becomes silent.

As I allowed my mind to quiet and my heart to start listening to the words, I felt validated.  I felt like it truly was a message that I needed.  It focuses on becoming selfish.  Not out of a lack of love for others, but out of a strong desire to be more loving.

It gave me hope to remain steady in my journey.  Each of us is on a journey.  Each of us has the absolute power to create a life of love, plenty, joy and fulfillment.  Not all of us are ready to hear that, to internalize it, or to move forward.  To be steady.

I am nearing the end of the 7th month of my journey, my intentional focused journey.  There are missteps.  There are moments that I feel defeated.  There are moments that I allow negative energy to invade my most inner energy.

And then magic happens.

Was it a random algorithm that selected that as my listening option this morning?  There are thousands of other talks that could have shown up.  There are other speakers, topics and directions the algorithms could have selected.

This mornings talks held me focused.  They reassured me that I am on the right path on my journey.  That I am healing my body, mind and spirit.  As I wandered my neighborhood at a steady pace, I was able to bask in the brilliance of a breathtaking and inspiring sunrise.  As I came around the corner at the crest of the hill I was walking on, I had to stop to take the picture.  To capture the gift given to me. Another mile in I was able to lift my face to absorb the rays of a dazzling early morning sun that filled the horizon before my steps.

As I completed my remaining laps and listened intently to the series of 10 to 15 minute talks, I had not realized that I had already walked over 4.5 miles.  My legs were freezing (might need to invest in some lined leggings for the winter months), my toes a bit frosty also, but my heart was full, my soul felt refreshed and ready for whatever lie ahead.

As I sat down to eat my sunshine inspired breakfast of mango and blueberries, I felt peace.

My head still hurts.   But I know that the journey is right.  I am searching for ways to help heal my sweet hubs naturally.  I really have a visceral hatred of medications and a medical field that seems intent on prescribing to the symptoms and refusing to see and or treat the causes.

He's not sleeping well... We are now trying Golden Milk (yep... went with the vegan options).  Last night we both slept deep and woke well rested.  No one night does not equal success.  But we will keep on trying.

Each of us has a different journey.  May I encourage you to reach deep and find that place in your most powerful inner being to follow your hopes, dreams, to be okay with asking for and living in abundance. Since I was a very young adult I have resonated with the statement "what you think about, you bring about".  Reflecting on my life... wow... that is an entire other blog.  Maybe I will explore all the times the universe has shown me the truth in those words... but not today.

Today... I want to thank the universe, the powers that be, the messengers that insured I heard what I needed to hear.  I want to celebrate the power and energy this morning gave to me...

Strong, Steady and Focused...

buckle up!

It's a new year, new decade, new moment in time.

I've been a bit silent.  I am still processing many things that are manifesting themselves in my world.  Most external things are just as they've always been. My Hubs, kids and grands fill my world with love, meaning and purpose.  I have a career that most of the time I love, and the rest of the time challenges me to grow as a person. 

And I have me.

I don't understand the significance of 2020 to me, but for some reason it is resonating and demanding my attention.  All of this is a season of change for me, the person.  I will be 55 in this year.  I was talking to my girl the other night and casually made the comment "I'm only going to be 55 this year"... she laughed at me, I think with a bit of disbelief.  I am not sure she is handling her number this year so easily.  It was what she said in response that has made me really climb into this deep level of thought and processing.  Her comment was "yeah... I feel like you are starting the second half of your life..." there was other parts to her comment.  Parts that circled around the journey's that I felt inclined to start last year. 

The me part of this is hard.  I am not a person that puts my own needs or wants first.  Before anything else I am a wife, a mother and grandmother. I've always squeezed things of importance in my life into the cracks left after being those things and a dedicated employee. I feel I am probably a very slow learner, because I think the first thing I truly did for myself was this blog.  I started writing it to sort out my thoughts, hopes and dreams.  Truthfully, I don't know how much sorting I have done, but as it has ebbed and flowed over the years I have learned to live a bit more holistically.  I have slowly learned that all of the bits and pieces come together to make a whole person, if you pay attention.

In July when I lost my heart boy, my sweet and precious Gator, I felt another piece snap into place. I had to work through the grief, the pain, he'd saved my heart so many times.  I was struggling through some health issues that I didn't want to deal with.  I didn't feel like it was important enough.  Correction, I didn't feel that I was important enough.  I was biting my lip and dealing with pain that was almost unbearable, and I was doing it in silence.  Because I hate leaving my problems for others. When I picked up my sweet boy for the final time, worried that the pain would stop me, I knew it was time.

I scheduled appointments, discovered what they believe was causing it and found out that doctors today don't really care about you as a person.  You are simply a paycheck in far too many instances. That's fine.  I am a strong researcher, I will find holistic ways to deal with the problem. 

The universe had been guiding me towards the answer for almost two years, but in my stubbornness and single focus on just surviving life, I refused to see the signs or hear the messages.

Enter whole food, plant based.  It's been six months now.  As long as I focus on clean plant based foods, I am in great health.  There is no pain - not even fibro pain.  I have energy and clear focus.  There are days that just like every human on the planet, I can be lazy and don't have the energy for a clean plant based diet.  I slide into the world of vegan junk food.  Things that are fried or processed.  Whatever it takes to get through the week.  I can tell instantly that I have done it.  The scales goes the wrong direction from massive sodium intake, I ache, I'm sluggish, and just feel yucky.

I'm digressing.

2020 has been consuming.  I've been digging deep into many things.  I'm still digging. I haven't created a rock solid plan, but I don't believe that there is a rock solid plan.  I believe that it's important to flow with the universe.  To follow the guidance that exists in our very souls.  We just have to listen. The mind is a powerful thing.  Words are a powerful thing.

I started walking and was evening trying to escalate to a bit of running.  That did not go well, the running part, so I will not do that again.  And even though at the time, I could barely walk on my "good knee"... I signed up to walk a total of 2020 miles this year.  The only person I am racing against is me.  I want to prove to myself that I can do it.  It's such a powerful feeling.  I also now know that I will never be a runner, unless I want two knee replacements, I don't.

2020 is my year to explore me.  To dig into what makes me tick and feed it. For the first time, I am giving myself total permission to fill my bucket first.  I started slowly last year.  I actually asked to explore the Great Smokey Mountains and add an unexpected day to our journey.  My sweet loving Hubs knew it was important, he didn't hesitate.  Even when we both were getting super tired and longing to stop driving.  We celebrated the moments.

What I am finding is that by saying something is important to me and acting on it, it doesn't diminish my ability to be a loving partner and mom.  I feel happier.  Hubs can do the things that fill his bucket, I don't have to sit and absorb another movie for the 50th time, just because he loves it.  It doesn't make who we are less important.

That is a lesson I am still learning. I love to walk with him.  It was our thing for so very long.  When he stopped, I stopped, I felt guilty continuing.  Like I was betraying an "us" thing. We have so little time that we get to spend together, I didn't want to steal minutes from that bucket simply for me.  When I started walking again a few months ago, I knew it was something that I needed, I was very mournful at first.  I was hurt that he didn't want to walk with me, when I had not wanted to walk when we first started walking together.  I felt resentful, I had done it for him, yet he wouldn't do it for me. Then something magical happened. 

I was able to set my own pace, be lost in my own thoughts and music, call loved ones and spend that time catching up with them.  Hubs was filling his bucket and I was learning to fill mine.  I was learning crucial lessons. 

I am giving myself permission to be me.  It's scary!!

I have always believed that I had to be just so to be part of a marriage, a friendship, as a parent, as a person.  I've always smashed my essence down to lift up what I believed was needed of me.

For almost 18 years my sweet Hubs has been teaching me that it was okay to be me.  I might not have always heard it.  In fact, I would say I have rarely realized it.  I was forcing myself into the role I thought he wanted from me, when all along he was okay with who I am.  My heart knew it belonged with him, that he is the person that completes my quirkiness.  We are not really remotely the same as people, but we are a love that was meant to be.  We are each others Yin and Yang.  Somethings we both love, others belong strictly to one or the other.  We support each other.  He has never told me no.  I have told me no many times.

2020 is a year of expansion, of exploring passions and desires.  It will be a year of much and a year of less. 

I don't know how much I will write.  I am still determining that.  I also don't know that it will follow the same style.  Probably will, as I believe the way I write is a true reflection of my soul.  I am a very simple woman.  There is very little complexity to me.  I am open and honest.  I feel that will remain. 

I have a wonderful life.  The bumps, bruises and tears only make the fabric of my life blanket richer.  I am focusing on doing things that fulfill me.  I want others to be part of my journey, but I need to finally realize that self-care is not selfish.  It isn't always about massages, facials, or manicures.  It is about experiences, it is about following your very heart, it is about being still and listening to the voices that are guiding you.  It is about the very power of the word NO.  Not using it abusively, but judiciously.  It is also about realizing and internalizing that you are not alone in this world, that your words, actions and beliefs can cause harm and hurt.  It is about knowing yourself and creating a harmonious life journey.  Lifting others as you lift yourself.

At least that is what I am coming to understand.  It might change as I continue to grow and as I continue on this journey that is filling my heart and making me feel strong.

I'm ready to tackle the next half of my life.  I am excited to celebrate my 55th trip around the sun and I plan to do so in the best physical and mental shape of my life.

I am ready!!