escape plans

Innocent words, harmless in their structure and meaning. Parts of random conversation.

Reminders.

I'm sliding off into an abyss.  I am not sure I am strong enough to take any more.

I'm sitting here feeling crushed.  Not even sure there are words to sort it all out.  None of the words or actions are wrong.

Problem is, they are far too right.

My sweet hubs is off on a morning ride to catch the sunrise.  He has no idea how much I have been longing for that very thing.  It was one of our favorite things to do when we had nothing.  Just an old used bike that he kept in good shape and time.

That's the problem... time...

I hope he finds the very joy we used to find together.  Down meandering roads, watching dear bouncing through the grasses. The mist hovering just about the ground and the sun taking a leisurely stroll above the horizon.

His heart felt note taped lovingly to the mirror, doors pulled shut so I could rest, was a dagger.  It was given in pure love.  An acknowledgment of the sheer exhaustion I am feeling and dealing with, pure love.

Our mornings are no longer our own.  Either he is working or I am.  I don't remember the last time I arrived home at a reasonable hour, so there is no time there either.

I am missing out on everything.

Life. Is. Too. Short.

I hate heights.  They make me sick.  Yet I'm standing up on the top of the highest cliff and there is no where to turn or run.

There is no out.

My grandchildren are finding other grandma's.  Because this one "is always working".

Anyone remember the song "Cats in the Cradle"? In this hurry, rush, move at the speed of light life that we seem to lead nowadays... it's becoming my theme song.

My dad was always busy.  Always gone.  I am becoming that person. I am living my life through a series of pictures, video clips and loss.

My daughter could tell I was hurting and upset last night, but not why.  And trying to put it into words, i couldn't.  It made me cry.  She had some pretty profound things to say, asking me if I had found a plan to make things better.  Wanting to know what my exit strategy was.  What was the path I needed to follow to get where I wanted to be.

As I sat quietly watching the shooting stars - the sky was full of them last night.  Making wishes and chasing dreams.  My heart was breaking and my mind wouldn't focus. It had been so long since I had sat and enjoyed the silence, stars and company of loved ones on a beautiful evening.

She left around 11:30, her older kids were coming out to spend the night and have quality mom time.  She isn't missing a moment in time.  She is making memories.

If I disappeared tomorrow, just got in my car and kept on driving, how long would it truly be before anyone noticed?  Work might be the first.  But my family and loved ones... Hubs would be next but not for around 10 hours (how far can a person go in 10 hours), unless someone from work called to see where I was.  My kids and grand-babies... who knows.  They have become immune to my absence.

It isn't just me.  I listened to a young lady asking what work life balance was, and was it worth the price. Because from her young space in the world, the price was far to high.  I celebrated knowing that another friend who has been working far too much told me she was taking some down time. She needs it.

What is the price?  I heard that very question asked.  And I felt the struggle all the way down to the depths of my soul.  How do you define the price?  How do you estimate the price?  The cost?  Do missed opportunities, lack of energy to be able to do anything else?  Does the loss of yourself have a price tag?  Is a person's life worth as much as they are being paid to do a job?

I'm always rushing in to concerts, recitals, missing important moments.  It feels like an eternity since I have been able to plan and execute anything?  People ask me for stuff and I have seriously reached the point the only answer I have is "no".

No, I can't do dinner.  No, I can't make plans.  No, I don't have time for phone calls.  No, I don't have the energy to engage in a block party.  No, I don't have the strength any longer for any of it.

I am surrounded by a life unlived.  I am checking off boxes and struggling as a human doing, when I crave to be a human being.  Planters unfilled, a beautiful deck paradise sitting lonely and bare. A big, well lit, sewing room, something I have longed for is still scattered with boxes, a path to the sewing machine is all that shows it can even be used.  Sweet Hubs was shocked when I told him I'd downloaded a class to help me learn to use my long arm quilting machine.  I guess in all the idleness he figured it was simply something that I had wanted for decoration.  My unspun roving hangs forlornly, on my beautiful spinning wheel. Another decoration in a life unlived.

The people I love are finding replacements to fill the voids left by my absence.  I'm not dead, although I am slowly being replaced.

One of my staff gave the mission moment this past week at a meeting.  Ironically, it was the poem "The Dash".  One of my absolute favorites.  She had no idea that was the case, she had no idea the power that had on me, has for many years.  Am I living my dash?  Or will it simply be just that, a dash.

My dear sweet Hubs saw my text.  I don't know what it said right now, it was a heartfelt response to the post-it on the mirror telling me he was chasing the sunrise.  He pulled over and called me.  He heard the hurt in my heart, not at him, but at the loss of an opportunity.

In his kind, sweet way.  He ordered me to go put on riding clothes, that he was on his way.  I didn't get to watch the sunrise.  I did get to feel the wind on my face, my arms wrapped around my sweet husband.  I did get to enjoy the beauty of the countryside as it woke up to a beautiful Sunday morning.  The cool, crisp morning air only brought home a bit more strongly the need and desire to make a change. We found a precious little family restaurant for breakfast - down the road and around the corner from no where close.

The universe has been giving me messages.  Some have been far more subtle.  Friends posting quotes.  An overwhelming feeling of loss.  Some have been razor sharp, harmless words that cut all the way to the bone, because the truth they carried was more than could be measured in that moment.

I need to start listening.  I need to follow the advice I received last night sitting under a starry sky filled with shooting stars.

What is the escape plan?  And just what does that mean?

raging...

I've spent several exhausted evenings looking longingly at my computer.  I've written out numerous blogs in my head.  There is much circling around, trapped.  Thoughts that seem to be trying to force their way out.  In my tote there are piles of scrap paper with notes scribbled on them.

Writing is one of the ways that I balance and order my world.  I don't really have a purpose to it, or even a rhyme and reason.  One of my cousins when I first started blogging told me that I needed to find it's purpose if I wanted people to read it, to gravitate towards what I was putting out into the universe.  I didn't do that.  Because it wasn't about a how to, it wasn't tips for life, it's simply thoughts, ideas, and my own willingness to be vulnerable.

What I have found over the years that I have managed to find a moment here and there to jot down my thoughts, hopes, dreams and ideas is that the people that read and respond... they are my tribe.  They are the like minded souls that I needed to find.  Most of them are now very dear friends.  I need their lives to help balance mine.  There is even a deeper connection with family members.

Sitting here watching this raging storm surrounding me, it kind of matches where I have been lately. The whirlwind and storm that is bending trees and creating rivers in the road matches my internal struggles.  The thunder is pounding the very earth with it's sound.

I feel at peace.

Do you ever feel that you give too much of yourself to any cause that has value to you?  Do you find yourself feeling run down and worn because you are determined to make a difference?  I have found those are the people that I gravitate to.  If you are strong influence in my life or one of the people I hold most dear, you are definitely like me.

Which makes me wonder if I am destined to belong to a tribe of worn out, bone weary, coffee slugging givers.  People that struggle with boundaries, correction people that struggle with setting boundaries to protect themselves.

The past ten months have been exhausting.  Emotionally draining and frustrating.  I look around my home and realize that it has been completely neglected as I have been grasping at all the loose threads spinning rapidly around me. I wonder how much of everything in my life has been the victim of this storm.  I feel in many areas I am literally struggling to just survive, it's become a day to day battle.

One that is starting to wear on my health.

I wake up, start dealing with work, walk the boys more dealing with work, eat breakfast (on a good day), get ready, get in the car go to work (where I try desperately to at least get a call into mom - friends - I love you all - but I am truly fraying at the edges).

Work for the next 9 - 12 hours - always intending to leave at a reasonable hour, but getting stuck dealing with the unfinished business that those who feel their work/life balance is far more important than everyone else's, if I am lucky, I get home with enough time to fix and eat dinner before crawling in bed and giving up for another day.

I will fully own that some of this is my own choice.  For me failure has never been an option.  At least not in reference to other people.  I will sacrifice whatever is needed to keep a promise, hold tight to a commitment or obligation.

Yet things that bring me joy and peace, they get brushed aside.  I have so many unfinished projects.  So much of what fills my own bucket is brushed to the ground.  I am simply one person, and I always seem to honor and value the needs of the people that I perceive as being more "important".

The weekends have devolved into a time to catch up on rest, therefore sitting mindlessly and resting body, mind and spirit.  Or a mad rush to complete chores and plan for the coming week ahead.

Lately there have been a few things that are taxing my temper and patience. I have to find a way through it.  Because truthfully, it's exhausting.  I have members of my tribe that are as deep in the thick of things as I am. Deeper.  I'm trying to lift them up and support them, yet I know that I am not succeeding. I need those "selfish" people to stop for a minute and realize the universe simply does not revolve around them, that in order for any of us to get out of this alive it's a team effort.  Maybe if there was less "I" and more "us"... everyone would be in a better place. I'm tired of the mentality that it is a team effort when it benefits me, but not a team effort when it is for everyone.

I am truly tired.

I have nothing left to give myself and therefore nothing left to give others. Many of my tribe are in the same place.  Stay strong dear ones.

The storm is definitely raging...