one.year.later.

It's been one year and 3 1/2 hours since I got that call.

He was gone.

4:55 am this morning I woke up and looked at the clock.

One year later.

Last year my sweet Hubs held me as I was finally able to stop, it was pouring down rain outside.  I felt like the heavens were sobbing with me.

As I pulled into Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery this morning I felt a familiar thought.  It was blanketed in white, bitter cold and everything was frozen.  Kind of how my heart is feeling today.  As I wrapped my arms around the headstone that guards a few of his ashes Mom let the military have I didn't feel much of anything.  I felt as frozen as the ground I was walking on.

I know he's not suffering and I know that he is with me with every breath that I take.  My ring with his ashes is sparkling bright today.  Maybe it's my imagination.  And if so... thank you.  Because today in particular I need to feel that closeness.

My sweet Hubs drove out with me to the cemetery, he held me tight as I cried the only tears I was willing to shed.  He was heading about 20 miles in the opposite direction.  He needed to be there the same as I did. I'd planned to sit and have coffee, enjoy the beauty and solitude.  Maybe even watch for a cardinal or two.  Five degree's is far too cold for that to be a thing.

I stood in the snow, my feet are still feeling frostbitten 30 minutes later, and let the little girl in my heart mourn the loss of her hero.  I placed my cheek on the frozen headstone and let a tear or two fall. Then I turned away.

My Dad isn't there.  It's just a place to remember him, to honor what shaped the man he became.  To show respect for a lifetime of sacrifice.   My Dad is all around me.  I have random pictures and a lifetime of memories.  Sometimes when I look in the mirror or at my kids and grand-babies I see glimpses of him.  He is all around me.  He helped my mom shape who I became.  Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but always with love.

Today was going to be a hard day.  I knew it.  I'm choosing to not let it. It will be a day to celebrate my Dad finally getting the rest he was ready for.  He didn't leave.  He simply passed to another realm.  He is as close now as he was when I could physically touch him.  I won't lie... I would love to wrap my arms around him and press my cheek to his.  I would love another of my Dad's kisses and I love you's.

I think... I will just continue to live a life that will make him and Mom proud of who I am and who I have become...

I miss you Daddy.  And I will love you forever!