my wish for you...

It's hours before it officially strikes midnight, I know for a fact that I will not be awake to ring in the new year.  I will be curled up with my guys, sleeping soundly.  I am sure in the distance I will hear fireworks and from the sheer number of cars parked up and down the road I am equally sure that many of my neighbors will be ringing in the new year in grand fashion.

Hubs and I will ring it in our fashion. Sound asleep.

I have to admit I am not sad to see 2018 leave.  It has definitely not been a pleasant year.  It has tried me in ways I never wanted to be tried.  I love the saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, after this year... I feel that I am able to bench press a tank.

2018 has taught me so many lessons.  Given me so many opportunities to grow. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn, I just wish the lessons hadn't had to be so painful.  So many losses, so many uphill battles.  Challenges with Hubs health, career changes, time without my kids, and so much fear of the unknown yet to come.

Yet, here I sit ready to welcome 2019 with an open heart.  Ready. Okay, readyish. Is that a word?  Tonight it is. 

I can't say that I trust the universe quite yet, it's thrown me so many curve balls. I am not all together sure that the changing of the calendar is going to change my reality. 

I am definitely hopeful and full of faith in the magic of the new year.

I hope and pray that all of my family and friends have a safe, peaceful and prosperous new year.  That the wishes and dreams you have come true.

May you find hope in your most hopeless hours and faith when the world doesn't seem willing to allow it.  May all of your loved ones find the same.  And maybe, just maybe 2019 will bring a bit more love, kindness, acceptance, support, joy and happiness to everyone. 

Maybe...

I lift up my peppermint tea and toast each of you as we draw this year to a close. Let the ball drop, the confetti fly, let's thank the old for the lessons and growth it gave us, and soar forward into what lies ahead.

how do you say hygge?

Are you living a hygge life? 

I'm not sure the first time I heard the word, probably in regards to certain essential oils from the company I buy most of my soaping supplies from. Being the type of person I am, I immediately started to explore what they were talking about.  Were they talking about fragrances or was it more.

What was this strange word that I definitely could not pronounce?  I am actually still struggling to say it correctly.  My brain completely does not see hoo-ga when reading those letters.  I'm not truly sure I have learned enough to fully know if I am even capable of living a hygge life. At least not where I find myself right now. 

Yet, while watching the flight progress of my kids - I hate when they are on planes - I worry endlessly, I realized that maybe the Dane's don't have a complete stronghold on this wonderful, hard to explain state of mind.

The bits and pieces that I have read thus far all talk about a sense of home, peace, a joy in the simple things, cozy, warm, welcoming, comforting and calm.  Granted they are things that I feel Hubs and I have moved away from right now, I also feel those very things pulling us back. 

After leaving briefly to drop the kids at the airport, we came home.  At first Hubs had wanted to go out and have lunch at one of his favorite places.  Then he remembered we had noodles at home.

Home was calling. 

We fixed a simple lunch and he headed up for a nap.  Me, I lit my candle, the same one that for some reason has burned most of the day and it's just a normal votive.  I curled up with some needlework and a historical documentary to keep me company.  The very act was working magic.  I was calming, I couldn't begin to tell you what I watched, I truly wasn't watching.   It was just background noise.

As the day wore on, I realized that without thought or planning we were doing so much that was listed as a reason the Dane's are some of the happiest people alive. Candles were burning, we shared mundane shows that required little thought - just allowed us to be together.  I made hot tea for each of us and while Hubs made his sandwiches from leftovers, I prepared my chestnuts to roast.

There were no screaming children.  The drone of noise from everyone around us was beautiful, simply by the absence.  We were in our own home.  We chatted and puttered in our kitchen, not making anything substantial, I started the beans to soak for tomorrow's dinner.  A bit later sweet Hubs made a tray of chocolate chip cookies.  Total indulgence, just being.  Our dinner is not going to win any awards for being nutritious for the body. The nutrients it fed our souls, I feel it held that in abundance.

I almost laughed over the fact that we were both wearing our lounging clothes.  Socks to warm our toes and neither of us in a hurry to put away the beauty of Christmas.  Allowing the calm and essence to simply fill our souls. 

We have a few errands to run tomorrow, I think both of us would prefer to stay in our comfy clothes and continue to absorb this hygge lifestyle that we are living without planning it.  For too long we have filled our non-working hours with errands, chores and somewhere along the way we - or maybe just me - forgot to stop and simply be.

Tonight when I spray my pillows and blankets with rose water, a new found joy of mine, it is so calming and beautiful, I will send all my gratefulness to the heavens.  As I do every night.  Yet tonight, I will also say a thank you.  I love when my eyes are opened.

I've been thinking and writing about my need for balance, a need to recenter and to move forward.  Mourning the loss of my garden that brought me joy, the lack of time to write and to create.  The loss of the things that bring me joy... and here it was in my power all along.  Feeling a bit like Dorothy tapping those red slippers together. 

All the things described above are things we always used to do.  We saved dinners out for special things, now that is cooking at home.  We somehow foolishly gave up the very things that made us feel whole.

Hubs asked if we could go riding next Saturday - it will be fairly warm.  Normally, I would feel that I was giving up time to do tasks.  Today, after this time of realization, I was excited at the idea.

Is this sudden massive following of hygge, this quest for balance and happiness, an indicator that we as a society have forgotten to simply be?  I would hazard that is a big yes!

I'm going to continue on this path.  I like the way it feels.  It reminds me of when Hubs and I were first married.  We didn't have much money, but we definitely made time for each other and we were creative in finding ways to spend quality time together and not spend a lot of money. 

Anyone else find that they are traveling the same path?  That without realizing it they are following a hygge life and probably could count themselves as some of the happiest people in the world? It's not about money, it's not about being social.  It might just be designed by introverts like me, what are the odds of a whole country of introverts? I am going to continue studying, striving to understand.

Now where did I put those cards?  Maybe I can talk Hubs into a Rummy rematch tomorrow... I mean, do we really need groceries?

healing and growth...

Today's silence makes me sad. It's that lonely one that comes about when the presents are all opened, the meals have all been shared and the magic that is Christmas starts to wane.  

I hate it. 

The last two kiddo's have headed home.  Dropping them at the airport caused me to cry.  It always does.  Probably because I never know for sure how long it will be until I get to spend time with them again. My boy is starting a new job next week, making travel plans difficult for both of us.  

I try to console myself with the knowledge that what is meant to be will be and that we will make a visit happen at some point.  I have been blessed to see my west coast babies twice in one year this year, who knows maybe next year will bring the same blessings. 

While chatting with my youngest this morning as he played his new favorite game on the computer I was doodling in my planner for 2019.  Starting to organize my thoughts, my plans.  

I've determined that 2019 is going to be the year of less. 

Like I said this rat race is wearing me out.  There has been a lot in 2018 that has worn me out and made me feel off balance, out of sorts, not moving in a positive direction. 

A couple of weeks ago I had someone tell me that I come from a long line of healers.  I sort of laughed, especially when she said that I am a healer and I am not following my destiny.  I truly believe I come from a long line of healers, how you define that depends on you and your beliefs.  I don't doubt it runs deep and strong.  In this generation many of my family are in the medical profession. 

I believe that you can heal in different ways. It isn't always about physical healing. I will never work in the medical field.  It is not my path.  My belief system runs counter intuitive to that.  Heck I don't even like being prescribed medications.  Yet I believe strongly in healing. 

I also believe that you cannot fill another's cup from an empty vessel. 

2018 has emptied my vessel.  

I've given pretty much all I personally have to give.  My plans for 2019 are to heal myself.  To refill my own reserves, so that I can continue to share.  I am also at a point in my life, that I am finally ready to give myself permission to explore the things that I want to learn and grow from.  

Other's opinions be damned.  

I need to clear the clutter that surrounds me. Physically and mentally.  

Hubs and I are always saying we need to clear out the garage, the storage room, etc.  I haven't even set up my craft/sewing room.  It's a room filled with stuff that doesn't even belong there, junk and clutter abound.

My sweet daughter must have felt my soul's needs before I did. Almost all of my Christmas presents from her are to make my room not only beautiful, but functional. Including the words that will go on the wall stating "The desire to create is one of the deepest longings of the soul". Those words are very true, particularly for me. 

I don't know that I will start today, but I might, I want to clean out my room.  I want to donate the stuff that I have "hoarded" for far too long.  Years of living where the items needed for my projects were too hard to get or not having the money to get more supplies lead to the obsession.  An obsession that I am ready to let go of.  I want to clear out the chaos, I want to donate the items I've been saving for some day to people that might actually use them.  I want to create a functional and cozy space.  

Somewhere I can refill my bucket.  A place to find the salve that will heal my broken parts.

Over the course of 2019 I intend to shed a lot of things.  Not all of it will be physical possessions.  

I've already started a bit of it on social media.  I'm tired of the sinking feeling that we are all being manipulated on a daily basis.  That others are pushing us with their beliefs and ideals and we are simply moving along based on whoever is yelling the loudest.  I've deleted a lot of sites I used to follow.  I've unfollowed friends that I find cause angst in my heart. I will never tell anyone how to think or feel, I grow weary of people saying and doing the same things they are criticizing others for.  Name calling, bitterness and anger driven righteousness is not right no matter who or what you are shouting for.  

I think things were much simpler and kinder back when the motto heard around the country was "live and let live".  It's where I tend to exist.  As long as your choices are not harming me or the ones I love, I will never challenge your rights to think, feel or act in a way that makes you happy.  Each of us has the right and the responsibility to live our life to the fullest without harming another.  So part of my healing is removing myself from those realms.  It's not out of lack of love for others.  It is purely self-preservation. 

As 2018 draws to a close I'm choosing to take the painful lessons I have learned this year and use them to my advantage.  I want to live a life full of love, cherishing time with family and friends, I am going to work on more balance and less stress.  

I can't go back and change the past.  I can't make the trips that I put aside because there will always be tomorrows. Guess what - there isn't always going to be tomorrow, a painful reality that was driven home this year.  

I can go forward and take the lesson learned and grow from it.  I choose growth! There is much to learn, there are trips to take, there are adventures to have, and many skills to hone.  

I will also be finding more time for silence, sunlight and getting back to the very roots that make me strong. It's time to take chances and to live with abandon.

It's time... Anyone else planning a forward path this year? 

preparing...

Woke up a couple of hours ago to a message.  The kids were getting ready to board their flight home. They are on their way.  I'm so excited to see them and to celebrate Christmas with them today.  And at the same time I am feeling guilty.  I know they will be terribly jet lagged and I will be surprised to hear that the mini one slept much, meaning mommy won't get much sleep either.

And yet, I got up super early to prepare for our Christmas celebration.  I mean not that being home or any gift I have under the tree can compare to a trip to Germany and Amsterdam for Christmas, but... for me it will be the perfect Christmas wrap up!

I have a few errands to run and a few things to do today.  My oldest grand daughter text me a request for help and of course you know that I will make sure she gets all she needs.  I have a few presents still waiting to be wrapped.  I guess I could have done them when I was wrapping everything else, but honestly I was tired and knew it could wait, so... it waited.

I think my on-going theme for the balance of this year is that things can wait.  I am in no hurry to do anything, and honestly it feels like heaven! I'm spending more time enjoying things and less time being stressed about things I cannot control. It is amazing.  I wonder where I would have been mentally earlier in the year if I had taken the opportunity to do this.  I don't think I was in the right place to do this earlier.  Too many moving parts, too much that couldn't be put on hold.

I am a firm believer that there is a time and place for everything.  I definitely believe this is the time for this.

It's quiet, I know Hubs is up in his man cave, but he hasn't wandered to the main floor and I've been to busy to wander down the stairs yet, I will do that shortly.  But not right now.  Right now, I am feeling deja vu.  Kind of like that weird movie Groundhog Day.  I am sitting in the same spot, bathed in Christmas lights and candlelight, drinking my coffee and typing away.  I don't hear the wind chimes today, it's still out, the front that was rushing through yesterday dropping our temperatures has moved on. 

I spent a portion of yesterday completely phone free.  I was trying to get the Fitbit app to update.  I have reached the point I do not care if it ever updates!  Two full days of trying has me feeling less in love and more in hate with the stupid electronic tracker. But the time spent without a phone was almost magical.

Silly, I know, but it reminded me of years gone by.  Hard to believe as a teen we didn't even have a house phone much less cell phones, they were still a decade or more in the future.  If we needed to talk to someone we walked to the Bundespost (to use the phone if the person we wanted to reach had one) or to their house.  If they wanted to talk to me, they walked to see me.  There was none of this instant contact stuff. We also didn't have email.  It was slower, it was softer, life was far more balanced.

In fact stuff waited.

I got a little frazzled last night I was looking at the status of the update and checking the status of my kids' flight before I went to sleep and made the mistake of looking at my work email because those annoying little numbers were showing at the top of the screen. So I gave in and looked. 

I wished I hadn't immediately.  Everyone knows I am on vacation.  This year, I have desperately earned it. And yet there were emails asking me to take care of things and when I didn't reply, an exasperated one saying never mind I will have someone else do it. The someone else could have done it all along.  Why was it necessary to reach out to me?

The frazzled part was in the remembering that slower time and how we used to respect people's time away from work.  I can't remember which country, but I read not too long ago that there is a country that has said that expecting responses to emails after hours was basically illegal. Now I don't want to make technology go away, and there are times that it is critical to be able to do the things that we do.  And then there are times that it most definitely is not.  I think that is where I am at.  That line between the two is far too blurred.

I cherish that my daughter was able to send me a simple message that they were on their way home.  I hate that mundane things have been elevated to emergency status.  There are moments any more that I want to check out of the rat race.  Because the truth is the rats are winning. And I am finding that the more I return to a life of less, the happier and more well balanced I am.

Yesterday I finished the scarf Hubs asked for.  In case you hadn't guessed those pictures of yarn and knitting were the progress.  I started it on Tuesday as we headed south.  I finished it curled up in my favorite chair yesterday. Lost in thought as each stitch slid across the needles. I bounced between making lists in my head of gifts that have been languishing in my dreams for the people I love, plans for the future, and simple counting 1, 2, 3... as the hand spun alpaca slid softly across those warm wooden needles.  The fact that I spun that alpaca wool making it all the more precious to me.

Yesterday, cut off from instant communication, I found time to be more present.  I found myself enjoying the comfortable silence with Hubs that was uninterrupted. And I found myself thinking and dreaming more.

I was daydreaming about what 2019 could hold.  And making a plan to realize those dreams.  For years I have been planning a few of the things in my head.  Wait maybe not planning, because when you follow a plan things happen, so maybe just dreaming about them.  I am actually working on a plan now.

I'm sorting through the life I have, I'm looking at things through a clearer lens.  Balance has become imperative for me. If I don't find it, I will lose me and I'm not willing to do that. I'm weighing out friendships, hobbies, belongings, what I spend my hours doing and how to do them better.  I'm looking through what is important to me and what truly is not and evaluating why allow each part that is unimportant to even exist in my world.

I'm not ready to share it, it's still an embryo, but each day it is growing. 

For now, it's time to finish up the chores, wrap those last few gifts, plan a nourishing dinner and simply enjoy the day.  My babies are closer to home, according to the flight status they are just clearing the coast of Canada.

Soon...

being...

The peaceful days between Christmas and New Years are probably my favorite.  It's a time to relax and just unwind.  To enjoy the beauty of simply being.

When I switched Y's a few months ago one of my dearest friends gave me a candle and a small poster - it hangs where I can see it every day... it reminds me that we are not human doings we are human beings. That simply line has been a beacon for me this year, I just didn't know it at the time.

Hubs got me a new Chromebook for Christmas - it has tons of neat features, probably the best is that I can turn it into a full screen for watching video or make it into a tablet.  Initially I was upset.  I am on a journey to more me time and my brain freaked out - I immediately went down the path of work.  I didn't want to go there.  So I didn't.  I am refusing to even open my work email on my precious Chromebook.  It is strictly for me. For my journey.  I have a work laptop, it is with me most of the time.  This is for me.

Sitting here listening to my wind chimes and enjoying the mix of my candles, Christmas lights, and Dad's globe, I feel peaceful.  I don't feel hurried or rushed, I simply feel peace.

I have been craving peace for quite some time without truly realizing it. I don't think my mind made the connection between the things I was doing and searching for even if my heart and sub-conscious self had. As I have been scrambling for time to do the things that center me, that calm me, and feeling more frantic by the moment, my heart was trying to make my over busy mind slow down. To take stock of where I needed to be.

I am a human being.  I will only get one chance to live this life, and frankly I want to live it on my terms. Hubs and I have both said many times lately "remember when we could afford this", "remember how we used to spend our time", "remember making all of our gifts at Christmas"... the list has gotten rather long and distinguished.

Those of you that read my blog know that I have been neglecting it.  Along with most everything important to me as a person for far too long.  I've toyed with tucking it away with the rest of my untouched treasures and joys.  In fact I have almost stopped completely numerous times.  I have simply felt too overwhelmed with life. Too twisted up in the external that I completely ignored the internal.

This "vacation" has been what I needed.  For the first time in a very long time I feel calm and centered.  A holiday season that I was dreading has been almost life giving.  Hubs and I have completely thrown all of our traditions in the air like confetti and simply been.

We split up the gifting time with our children to work around their scheduled trip, tomorrow will find the joy of Christmas morning returning to our home, and our daughter's.  As we will celebrate once again upon their return.

We chose to celebrate our Christmas on the 24th, so that we had a time for just us.  To share the treasures that we had carefully selected and wrapped for each other.  In our comfy pj's, sipping our coffee and enjoying the fire in the fireplace.  It was beautiful.

Then we packed up our little car - loaded to the absolute edges - added our precious fur babies and headed "home" for Christmas.  I'm not from Arkansas, it has never been my home.  But it is where my Mom is... so it is home!  Such a joyous time. I missed my baby sister and her family, but truly enjoyed the time spent with my other two sisters and the kids that came.  My nephew always manages to show up when I go home.  I cherish that.  He has held my heart strong since he was a little guy, he radiates love and one of his hugs will hold you for a year or more.  I delighted in giving his boys their gifts and they definitely were the life of the party as they enjoyed them.

Tomorrow we will start again.  The kids will be home by the afternoon.  I am sure they will be exhausted. But they will be home! I've missed them something terrible.  And Facebook has been a blessing and a curse all at once.  Seeing them enjoying themselves has been bittersweet.  I want them to have an amazing time with their Dad, I want them to enjoy life to the fullest, but the childish side of me wants them here with me.  The baby sister and family will join us tomorrow.  The third sister and family will too.  Both of the grandson's will be present and it will be a time of love and joy.  It isn't about the gifts. It's about being present.

I've deliberately focused on hearth and home.  I've been creating the life I have been pushing aside.  I've been bringing back those "remember when" moments.

When I selected gifts this year, with care and love, I inadvertently selected hygge gifts for most everyone. Things that would provide something more to life than clutter and stuff.  Needed items, things to occupy the hours and hands and fill the heart calm.

The more I learn about hygge (hoo ga) the more I realize that it has always been a part of who I am at my very core.  I just didn't realize it.  I am not done with that journey, I need to dive in deeper.  I need to bring more of it back to who I am and where I am needing to go.  It's more than comfy woolen socks or a marketing ploy - which I have noticed some of the businesses are trying to make it.  It's far deeper than anything that money can buy.  In fact, it's not about money at all.

I feel 2019 is going to be an incredible year.  I like the path my heart is leading me to follow.  For weeks now I have been creating again.  I haven't spent every waking hour consumed by work, I can't do that any longer.  I've been creating soft spaces, I'm starting to cook again, I'm watching shows with my sweet Hubs and I'm excited for long walks in the crisp air with him.

I think I have finally found my personal path to balance.  I feel like I am going in the right direction.  I am learning things that bring me joy.  I am surrounding myself with energy enhancing people and experiences. I am getting back to who I am at my center.

I'm not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions - I feel they set you up for failure and disappointment.  Another friend asked about New Years Intentions - I felt I liked that more, but I feel that personally, I will use my new year as a chance to reset.  This time away has been just what the doctor ordered.  My headaches are fading, and while the muscle pain is still pretty strong - it is mellowing.

Candles, fireplaces, soft woolen threads and wooden needles. Calm, family, friends, quiet and more.  This journey of mine finally feels right.

I am challenging everyone I know to light the candles, read the books, lounge around in your cozy pj's or sweats or whatever makes you happy.  Create if your soul calls for it, enjoy family and friends without the phone or device in your hands.  Laugh and make make memories, and hold on tight to those "remember when" moments, while making even more of them each day. Cook dinner at home, listen with your heart and simply be present in life. We are all human BEINGS - we do best when we are being.

Now keep it going....

my present...

I was really struggling with Christmas this year.  It's literally my favorite time of the year.  It's when family is together, I love giving gifts, and I love the stillness of it all.

I was craving all of that and hating it at the same time.  This is the first year without Dad.  Or at least it felt like it was without Dad.  I've spent the majority of the last two weeks hovering somewhere between denial and absolute devastation.  There really hasn't been a happy medium. It's taken less than nothing to make me cry, build walls and just plain want to cancel everything.

And I was dreading my year long decision to spend Christmas in Arkansas. I hadn't spent Christmas with the family since my youngest wasn't quite a year old. Twenty-seven years.  That's an incredibly long time.  Last year when I made the decision I had no idea how much the world would change.  When the kids said they were going to Germany, I'd decided we were going to come home.  Home was going to feel very un-home I decided last week.

At our home Hubs and I took care of the things that made life feel a bit more complete.  Presents are wrapped for the kids to return to yet another Christmas.  A beautiful pine cross is resting on Daddy's grave.  All in all, it's was horribly sad and eating at my heart.  Pulling into the driveway felt empty and like the joy had been sucked out of life.  My eyes were burning from the tears I was not about the shed as we got out of the car and started gathering our bags full of gifts.


And then I realized Dad was there.  Maybe not physically, we couldn't hug or kiss him.  Yet his essence and love for us radiated through out everything.  Each of us carries a bit of him in our actions, mannerisms and laughter.  Mom still had the lights on Dad's tree (he picked it) cycling in between her elegant white and his festive multi-colors.  I must take after him, I love the multi-colors too. 

Mom is right, you can feel him there.  She enjoys being home, because he feels like he is there in every way.  Except that his chair is empty most of the time. 

I was also worried about the dynamic of us girls being together.  We love each other, we will fight any fool brave enough to hurt one of us, but... when stressed or hurting we are not always nice to each other.  We push back, we say things that none of us truly means and we build walls to protect our hearts. The first Christmas without Dad made me nervous as to where our hearts would be.   Each of us has a loving partner in life that will protect us, only complicating things further.

As I sit here this morning, relaxing in the silence, Hubs is outside puffing on a cigar in the rain and I haven't allowed any noise to penetrate my world, I am thankful.  Soon we will meet up with Mom and my first sister - I'm the oldest so she was the first to make me a sister - for breakfast and a bit more visiting before it is time to head north.  Our visit ends today, it's almost time to return to our home. 

My first sister and I have the most contentious relationship.  We have since we were teens. I used to think it was because we are so different.  As we age, I've come to realize that it is because we are so much alike.

We both have the same she lion tendencies when it comes to protecting our families and loved ones.  We truthfully have incredibly similar hobbies and things that relax us.  Watching her pure joy at creating has really brought it home for me.  In fact, she made us all matching shirts for Christmas - I am over the moon at this!  I am fairly sure that none of my sisters has ever made me a gift for Christmas.  Although the second sister is a demon at making afghans and the first sister is just as crafty and creative as I am. I will treasure my crazy sister shirt forever! She is so talented and I enjoy that we have so much in common.

I am filled with joy that she rearranged her schedule to be able to spend a few more moments with us.  I think that is the greatest lesson all of us have learned from this year.  To be more present. To be more focused on what really matters.  To share in the joy of simply being with the people that make the differences in our lives.  Our baby sis wasn't able to come, and we missed her laughter and joyousness so much.  She couldn't be here because early Wednesday morning she had to work.  Her work gives love to others that need it so much. Yet through the magic of Face Time she was with us.

As this year wraps up, 2018 will go down in our family history as one of the most loss filled years ever.  Dad's side of the family lost 3 this year, as we are racing towards 2019 I pray that is all.  We need time to heal. There have been so many harsh changes and things ripped away from us. Yet the lessons learned have been powerful. 

I actually feel more present in life than I have for a long time.  I feel like I was rushing through life missing the important things in pursuit of things. Trying to fill imaginary holes while missing out on the parts that are most valuable.   Hubs and I have been going too fast.  This slowing down that is happening feels good.  It feels life giving. Spending time with Mom and my sisters laughing, talking, cooking, sharing.  My sweet Hubs and the brother-in-laws have been doing all the same things.  It has felt refreshing.

I'm glad we came home.  I'm glad that I didn't let the fear of the pain keep me from enjoying the past few days so fully!  I am eagerly awaiting the kids coming home, I can't wait to hear the excitement of the kids as they share about their fabulous Christmas journey. 

I'm loving being more present.  Maybe that is the Christmas Present that Dad gave us all!

my tribe...

The fireplace is dark, the house is silent.  Hubs hasn't stirred yet, but his phone alerts woke me up over an hour ago.  It was all the opportunity my very active brain needed to start functioning today.

Every time I feel my lowest, I am reminded there are some truly amazing people in my tribe of life.  I was feeling crushed the other day.  My faith in humanity low, my heart throbbing with the pain of lies and deceit. I sat in the silence pouring out my heart and fighting my way through it all.

Within hours my eclectic tribe of people.  The ones that make my heart feel whole and full started reaching out to me.  Checking in, asking how they could support and if I simply needed a hug. The power of that is amazing!

In the five days since, I have had people in my life lift me up, give me the hugs and understanding that I've needed.  I might have freaked a few of them out when I carelessly shared where my heart and feelings were leading me.  I am not going to do what I was thinking.  At least not yet.  I am not to that part of my journey.

I haven't had all the conversations that I need to.  I sort of had the important one, but the thing I have realized is that it isn't a conversation if only one person is ready to have it.  It's a lecture.

Instead, I have stepped a few steps back.  I've taken more than my share of deep breaths.  And I am working on bringing focus, light and clarity to my world.

I should have finished the needlepoint I am working on.  But I needed something far more active.  So I've been creating soaps in between the stitches. I've been focused on finding my happy place. And realizing that it's okay to say no to some things.

I've sat and enjoyed Bloody Mary's with friends.  Chatted on the phone and sunk soap balls while talking about the important things in life.  You know things like hopes, dreams and goals.  Things like trusting your heart and following your natural intuition.  And do you think that soap colorant will really stay that orange the answer to that appears to be a resounding YES! (I'll know for sure once it finishes curing.)

Hubs and I have had some meaningful conversations too.  This year of loss hasn't ended yet, with another person losing their spouse the other day.  I think that one might have shaken my sweet Hubs to his core.  I mean to be talking to someone one day and find out they suddenly lost their wife of decades the next, particularly in this year of heartbreak and loss.

I was recently told I needed to immerse myself in music.  I wasn't sure about that, as I am as tone deaf as they come.  But as I am opening myself up to different ways of thinking and receiving messages and thoughts in my world, I've also noticed a wide assortment of opportunities to experience music on a deeper level.  I was considering going to a Gong Bath this coming weekend.  But as I am still on call at the same time, I feel I would struggle with immersing myself in anything except for fear of being called into work.  After chatting with one of the people that fills my world with so much light and energy last night she might have found the solution for me.  It's the following Sunday, after my kiddo's head off on their grand adventure.  I feel I will be signing up.

This new journey is centering me.  My tribe is lifting me, I hope that I am doing the same for them.  I have so many friends and family that are journeying through similar perils.  I am finding the silence is helping.  I am simply trying to be there and support them also.

Time is ticking away this morning.  The small chores that make me feel either accomplished or a total failure are done.  The loss of sleep was okay as it allowed me to start this morning feeling like I am already at the top of my game. Small blessings.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week.  That hopes, dreams and happiness are on your calendar.  We tend to fill up our lives with far too much actual garbage and forget the important stuff.  So while we are living our dash, make it count.  Find your own tribe that will lift you and love you... that is where the magic happens.

standing on the edge....

It's 2 am.

I can't sleep.

The house is quiet, to the point that I cannot even hear any of the boys (Hubs included) snoring. Outside it's calm.  The raging winds of last night are gone. 

It's absolutely eerie, the silence is sort of deafening.  You can hear nothing.  Just your own breathing and thoughts.

That is what has had me awake for over an hour now. My thoughts.

I need to sleep.  Tomorrow is the end of this mini-staycation that has refreshed my spirit and renewed my very soul. 

And yet, I cannot sleep. 

I hope sorting out the thoughts raging in my mind will help me close my eyes and rest for a bit. I've tried meditating, and imagining myself in my favorite places. Nothing is working tonight. Or I guess I should say this morning.

I'm struggling with people.  In general.

The lack of respect and caring for others is completely wearing me out. The need to constantly monitor my own thoughts and words for fear of offending or upsetting the apple cart of another person, when there is little to no consideration for my thoughts and feelings is exhausting.

I'm tired of group think.  I'm tired of feel the way I want you to feel or you are a bad person.  I'm simply worn out. 

I'm tired of "do gooders" and back stabbers.  And lately it feels like that is the world that I am completely submerged in. Maybe it is the one we are all submerged in.  I know what is bothering me tonight.  I received a couple of emails and a comment yesterday that really wore me out.  I haven't been able to shake them.  They need a response, yet I am weary and I don't want to lift that sword and deal with that battle again.  I don't have the emotional energy left.

I've been expending far too much emotional energy this year.  I've lifted others up, when those that I've needed haven't been there for me.  I worry too much about stomping on another's feelings, yet struggle to speak the words when they do that to me.  Simply because I am not always strong enough to deflect their reactions without owning them.  I end up absorbing the energy that ultimately causes me sleepless nights and pain.

This year has brought too much of that.  To the point that locking myself away is starting to sound like a viable option.  It's been a very long time since I have felt the urge to run.  To hide.

I'm searching for my happy place.  I'm looking for somewhere or something that will bring back balance. Because somewhere, somehow I've lost it.  Not even just a little bit.  A lot.

I've been on a journey.  I'm trying to sit quietly and hear the directions being given.  Yet there is so much background static, that I am struggling to focus.  I can't see the path, it's blocked.  And I am not sure what is blocking it.

I'm starting to feel invisible, where I most need to be seen.  I am fairly sure I am allowing that to happen. Out of fear, maybe.  Frustration, possibly. 

I'm strong.  Emotionally, mentally, and physically I have fought some hard battles.  I feel I have won them all, I'm still here able to type them out. And yet at times I feel that I am my own worst enemy. My heart does not ever want to cause another person hurt or grief.  I allow myself to be used and abused by others, often to protect them from feeling the same way they make me feel.

Yet, as I lay there this morning in the silence, my mind wandering all over.  I realized that it is by far not a "me" problem.  It is a humanity problem.  There are so many people in the world today that want everyone to think and feel the way they want them to.  So many people are literally shouting what they want and what will make them happy, yet they won't sit in the silence and listen to what other's have a right to want and need. To hear and feel with their hearts.

Too often anymore I am listening to sharp words, the criticism when you don't think and feel the same way.  An unwillingness to truly listen, because your way is "right" and they are only doing it in someone's best interest.  My question is always, whose best interest?

I fear I am awake at this hour, sorting through these thoughts because I need to take a stand.  And I simply don't know if I am ready. I know what's right, I have been listening and learning for quite a long time.  It is a pathway that I can see very clearly.  But is it a journey that I am emotionally ready to take?

My father crossed over this year.  He started the next part of his journey.  In my worry about making other's uncomfortable or inconvenienced I shoved a lot of that grief and hurt and loss down into the deepest part of who I am.  I haven't let it show, I've dealt with it silently and sometimes alone, because I know that others pain is just as acute as mine, that it is just as real, that each of us has to meet it on our own terms.  I know too many that have suffered great losses this year and that healing is not an overnight process.

So much of it feels that it is coming home, like a cauldron deep inside is bubbling up. I've allowed things to happen to me and ridden the wave, just hoping to stay afloat. I haven't practiced self love or self care. Instead feeling that it was selfish and wrong to put myself first.

Afraid to speak up and let my own voice, feelings and emotions be heard. 

I think I am standing at the edge of something far more powerful than I ever imagined. I don't feel that it will lead me away from my loved ones, in fact I feel it will draw me closer.  I don't feel like it will harm me.  Yet I feel that it is going to require far more strength and self-love than I have ever been able to muster.

I have had three different people, that do not know me, in the past 5 months tell me that I am strong, that I come from a long line of strong women and that it's time for me to step into the light and stop hiding who I am.  To come to the front of the line and stop standing in the shadows.

Is that what I have been doing?  Have I been hiding in the shadows because it doesn't take as much energy?  Have I stopped being true to who I am to blend in?  To simply be accepted?

I don't know.

Yet I know that a new day is dawning, literally and figuratively. I am finding that I need to be loved,  accepted and respected for who I am.  That being the person other's want and expect me to be is simply not working for me. 

I'm tired of being taken for granted and I'm very tired of being invisible. And in far too many ways that is where I am at in life right now, and I'm not okay with it.

I don't know where this journey is going to take me. 

I know there are people I am leaving behind.  I know there are things that I am no longer interested in. I know that I am refusing to be a door mat or stepping stone.  I completely believe in lifting others up, but I will no longer do it at the expense of myself.  It's a journey we take together or not at all.

There will be casualties in this battle for me.

thank you...

It's quiet, Hubs and the boys are snoozing.

It's been an emotional day.

I'm worn.

I want to believe that this year and all the loss and changes haven't beaten me.  Some days I believe it.  Most... I just put on a smile and pretend.

The 2:30 am wake up call from work did not help matters.  On top of being emotional, my sleep got interrupted. Luckily, sweet Hubs knows that building inside and out and was able to help me deal with it.  I also realized for the first time in over a decade I'm in a building that I don't know.

It's unsettling.

I wasn't looking forward to taking Dad flowers.  I'm used to calling him on Veteran's day.  I'm used to calling and chatting, asking where he was going to go and get his free meals.  I hope they are serving something special in Heaven. As I knelt before that cold stone, my head resting on top, tears running down my face.  I felt all the pain wash over me again.  I doubt it will ever get easier.  Hours later, I want to go back and sit there.  I want to feel the imaginary hug that felt so real as I knelt there.

Hubs was talking to another man.  So much older than my Daddy even got to be.  He was sitting a few rows over, on a small folding chair.  He was wrapped in grief, his tears flowing freely and his shoulder shaking in that deep sorrow that you never fully understand until it comes into your life. I am not sure who he was crying for, I saw a woman's name on the cross as I walked past, quickly needing to not absorb his pain. 

Trying to deal with my own.  The coldness of the day, matched the wall I keep putting up of my own.  I took a picture of my sweet Hubs kneeling beside that cold cross.  A picture of my two veteran's.  I love it, no... I hate it!!  I wanted the picture to be like the one I love so much of the two of them sitting out front smoking their contraband (even though no one liked them doing it) laughing and telling jokes.  I can still hear Daddy's broken words telling Hubs "you full of shit". He struggled with many words... that was not one of them.

After leaving Dad and the grieving man behind, we headed across the river to pay respects to Hubs brother.  He served his country so honorably.  He served in 5 major battles in WWII, he served his country and the expense of himself.  Hubs says that he never spoke of it.  The horror and pain simply too much.

A gloomy cold afternoon spent celebrating my own vet, eased my heart, but not enough.  I feel as though the wall that I keep building to block out the pain is getting higher and colder.  I am trying to tear it down.  I'm not sure I'm doing very well at it.  I am struggling to be open to other's pain.  To their grief, I feel like I don't have the ability to bring anymore into my own heart. 

I'm drowning in it this year.

We spent the evening inside.  It's cold and dreary.  Losing ourselves in the Smithsonian channel.  Watching history unfold, showing us things that we have lost over time.  Things forgotten, parts of the past that were not pretty, right, or even human wrapped up in some of the brightest moments of our country.  I'm finding it to be engrossing and distracting. It's giving me things to think about that are more reflective than something needing my reaction.

As it played on tonight my fingers stitched on my project.  I am pouring as much love into it as I can.  Each stitch is revealing the beauty of the design.  I hope I can complete it in time. 

There are many more veteran's in my life.  People that are deeply important and a part of my everyday world and people that simply dance in and out.  I am so thankful for what each has given. I am also thankful for the recognition that seems to be spreading like wildfire.  Sweet Hubs is from that era of Vietnam that wasn't thanked - ever.  They were blamed for something they had no control in.  Yet to hear so many people, old and more importantly young, reaching out their hands and saying thank you for your service.  It makes my heart soar!  Veteran's have all signed a blank check, to the American people, knowing full well it could be payable with their very lives.

Yet they did it anyway.  They deserve our love, respect and gratitude.  Even if the war was unpopular, they have done what their country asked.  They have all served as the first line of defense in protecting the freedoms we hold dear.  If you don't think that is powerful, spend an hour or so at a National Military Cemetery. I come from a line that has served this country since it's inception.  I am thankful for them all... I am proud of all of my veteran's and thank them for their service.

p.s. don't forget to thank them while they are still here if you can.  That cold, hard stone was so painful...

cough, cough... blowing away the cobwebs...

Pretty sure that dust flew from the keyboard this morning when I opened blogger.  The past few months have been a bit crazy and chaotic. I'm not sure that I am past that point in my life, but the fact that I am sitting here with a cup of coffee, cold feet and my laptop on this cold, crisp, snow dusted fall morning feels pretty darn nice.

I'm wondering if Hubs is right, he keeps saying it is going to be a really brutal winter.  It's been a long time since I remember snow on the ground before Thanksgiving.  But this year has been an odd one all along.  We didn't get spring until well after summer had started and fall has been doing an odd dance with summer, neither one taking the lead and now it appears that winter is planning to cut in early.

I guess it goes well with a year full of heart ache, loss and turmoil.  It feels that this has been the longest year.  It started bitter, it's so hard to believe we have started the first holiday season since Dad passed.  I am not even sure what lies ahead, this is new and uncharted territory.  There are days that I find I miss him beyond comprehension and other days I am sure that I can pick up the phone and hear his voice.

Walking my boys this morning, watching the sun rise slowly behind the brilliant colored leaves hanging on for dear life to the trees, everything dusted with snow flakes, I was feeling a bit reflective.

Over the course of the past few months so much has changed.  I've left my MX Y behind.  So many memories, so many friends.  I truly put so much into the Downtown Y.  It was like leaving a family.  There was a beautiful party and ironically a day dedicated to me by a congressman.  Seems it will live forever as my day in some storage place in Washington DC.  My home is filled with beautiful plants  gifts from them and my life is full of memories and joy from my time there.

I've returned back to where my Y career inadvertently started.  Before Hubs even became Hubs, I volunteered at South City with him.  I was filling some serious voids in my life.  I was new to the area, I didn't know anyone, I was recovering from the lowest my life had ever gotten.  My health was almost destroyed, I couldn't be understood when I talked, and I found a place to heal and start being human again.

When I was volunteering doing odd jobs, playing Mrs. Clause, painting walls and murals, during that time I had no idea what the future would hold.  I didn't intend to find a career, I didn't intend to find family, friends, and a place to call my own.

Fast forward... I am settling back into the very place I started.  Most days I don't find a moment to stop for lunch.  Most days are very long.  Part of me is working so hard because that was Hubs' original Y home, I want to take care of his memories and honor them.  Part of me is working to give back what was given to me.  I'm not sure when that realization happened.

I have had to take some hard steps, have conversations I wasn't quite ready for.  During this time I have laughed and cried.  I have felt confident and completely overwhelmed.  I have set up an office that is completely designed to be functional - yet comforting.  Not just for myself, but for my team.  A sanctuary of sorts.  I knew there would be conversations that would be difficult, that there would be moments when a cup of coffee and a willingness to listen would be just what someone would need.  And I knew that there would be times that someone might be me.

I am learning my new family.  I am learning that maybe it isn't so terrible to be in a Y with kiddo's.  As I've been blessed to watch their smiling faces through things like a Pumpkin Splash and a Halloween parade through the offices with the little kiddo's in their costumes.  I'm learning that the teens are searching for a place to belong and we will solve that soon.  Or at least we will try.  Seems to me that teens have been searching for that since time began.

Somewhere in the midst of all of that, I am still trying to have a life.  I haven't been very successful.  I'm trying.  Dinners are rushed affairs - all too often at a restaurant surrounded by people we don't know, mediocre food - that loving hands have not touched.  To be followed by an early bed time because Hubs and I are exhausted.

We are trying to balance it.  We've taken in a few shows.  We've enjoyed a few fires and hung out in the cul de sac with the neighbors enjoying the the aftermath of the subdivision Halloween parade.  We've even managed a few motorcycle rides. Slowly life is returning to some semblance of normal.

Today, we will enjoy the crazy weather with a bit our own crazy.  We'll tidy the house, go out and celebrate veteran's day a bit early - I want to be sure to celebrate and thank my veteran, maybe even do a bit of shopping.  The snow sure is bringing home the fact that the holidays are creeping up super fast, that will be a bit wonky for a ton of reasons this year also.

It's odd, as I got older I thought things would become more routine.  I thought that the bits would move into a settled journey, kind of like the night follows day over and over.  I don't know if it is normal to feel like that isn't how the journey is going.  I wonder if I created that image from far too many episodes of cheesy old black and white television shows.  Where mom wore heels and pearls as she went about her daily chores of waiting on the family and doing little things to make them feel loved.

I hear my sweet hubs downstairs, he was cleaning out the fireplace and I hear the wood being stacked and the flame of the propane torch that he always lights it with.  Hubs doesn't do anything small, maybe that is what I love the most about him.  He loves completely and does the sweetest things to make people happy.  Me in particular....

I have so much swirling in my mind lately, and I know that is a sign that I need to take a few more moments to simply write.  I've missed writing, but as you can see it's been a bit busy. Now I am going to sit in my comfy blue chair, enjoy my beautiful fire and maybe work on the Christmas presents that I am determined to complete this year.

Then its a day with the Hubs!

in the silence...

The rain has been falling for two days, it's so therapeutic for me.

Having spent most of my growing up years in Germany, I feel most centered and at home when it rains.  I love the sounds, smells and the feeling of the air.

I also enjoy the fact that it forces us to slow.  I have a book I want to read (I haven't started it yet, but I will), I started a project that means a great deal for my heart.  It's a gift, so I can't even show you a picture.  Starting that project gives me the permission that I find I desperately need to stop and slow down, to simply sit with Hubs and enjoy a show.  To allow the therapy of a needle and thread to still my thoughts and draw me into the beauty being created.

Yesterday was the monthly psychic fair at my favorite little shop in Maplewood.  I feel drawn to it each month, like a moth to a light.  I don't want to miss it. Something about that little shop makes me feel calm.  It instills a peace in me that I find I truly need in my life right now.

I've been trying a different reader and medium each time.  Each time has been uniquely different, and at the same time all of them have given me something to think about. I think that is what I find so freeing about my monthly trip there.  I did need to get my sage, and I forgot to pick up the candles that I wanted, but I had so much to swirling in my brain that I simply wanted time to process it.

What we did remember to buy was a small xylophone for Hubs.  While I was doing my first reading I heard someone playing with the different bowls and pipes.  It was calming and beautiful.  As I finished and turned around - there was Hubs.  Completely engrossed in the Free Tone. The sounds softly filled the shop and it truly resonated calm and peace. The music was naturally pouring out of him and his calmness evident.

I didn't think twice, I simply bought it.  I want my sweet Hubs to be with me for a very long time, our life journey is definitely together and I might be a tad greedy.  Therefore anything that can bring him that much peace is a definite must have.

He loves music and sound, I often tease him that he needs a soundtrack to his life.  Honestly, maybe he does.  Because the music he was making yesterday could definitely be a soundtrack to mine.

I had wanted to spend a bit more time in Maplewood.  The small shops bring me happiness.  I could spend hours lost in most of them, which is saying something since I hate to shop.  I really enjoy the quirkiness of those kind of places.  I want to support them in a way I am not drawn to big box stores.  Unfortunately, some of them have put a bad taste in my mouth so to speak, so I didn't choose to linger,  I went in search of other places and experiences.

Then this morning as I am surfing through my emails quickly, looking to see if there was anything I truly needed to read or if it was simply junk mail, I was assaulted by more of what had bothered me so deeply just yesterday.

I am a pretty big proponent of live and let live.  I am not going to tell you how to feel, who to love, who you should pray to, or well basically anything.  I firmly believe that each of us is on a journey in this life and none of our journey's are the same. I don't care what your political beliefs are - nor will I beat you up for them.  I am not here to judge if you are thin or heavy, eat meat or don't. I don't care about basically anything except how you treat others.

Are you a good human?  Do you treat people and animals with care and love?  Cool, you are a rock star in my book.

So I prefer to not have a daily dose of politics, hatred and assaults on anyone served up with my interactions with companies I purchase things from.  An example is a spice shop I used to love, I can't deal with the hatred spewed by the owner in the guise of peace, love and hope.  It doesn't matter to me who you vote for, what your beliefs are, etc.  What matters is that we all respect other's thoughts and beliefs, while being true to our own.  Wouldn't it be an incredibly boring and unfulfilling world if we were all the same?

I mean seriously... I am a totally odd duck.  Most people never get to know me deep enough to understand who I am and what makes me tick.  And frankly, I'm good with that.  Because bits and pieces of a person do not explain the whole.

Yet this individual spews so much hatred to push his own beliefs that he doesn't care about the people he might be hurting in the end.  He's gone so far as to say too bad if they don't think like I do they can stay away from my business.  Yet, it's all about hope, love and acceptance.  To me... those things do not describe the daily tirades that he sends out.

There are other spice shops, there are people working in them that treat everyone with value, love and acceptance.  Those are my people.  I will find them.  I have worked hard to eliminate the haters from my life.  I don't need to support them financially.

I really wish that companies would stop playing into the divisiveness that is ruining our country.  That they would stop feeding that ugly beast. Maybe that is why I find peace when I go to Mystic Valley.  It's like a judgement free zone.  My inner hippie child is able to just be one with other people that all want the same thing.

Wow, I guess I've rambled on about some serious randomness today.  The laundry is waiting and so is my project.  I want to work on it for at least an hour, but this felt pressing.  Who knows why.

I am thankful for another rainy day.  A chance to slow and connect with the world. How about you?